Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

Oops sorry should have read the thread before posting!

@Fififizz and @RoyGBivisacolorfulman sorry you’re also struggling with an ASD teen.

Yup one of mine is autistic. The other two aren’t.

yup to feeling like you’ve failed as a mother.

you really think sometimes; what the fuck have I created? (Excuse the French) yet you know if you completely take your hand off the wheel, like they goad you too, what would the situations be like?

Hardest and least enjoyable thing I’ve ever done in my life so far. Like walking a tightrope with sharks underneath some days!

Huge tears today.

mine.

how are you all?

Mine is home from college. Not going back until next year. In his final year but decided to take time out as he couldn’t motivate himself to go to classes. Difficult as I don’t know what to do. He has to motivate himself but he also has to do things just because he has a responsibility to himself and other people.
We all find it difficult to motivate ourselves sometimes but have to push on through.

Start of the holidays for us. Mine has been rude and unpleasant which is normal sadly but I’m finding it really difficult to reset myself and stop it getting to me. It’s so draining…..

Mine is probably plotting my downfall

About a week before the holidays school said year 11 and 13 had some catch up lessons being held over the holidays. Which frankly, god bless the staff doing that because they won't be paid and it's their break too. DD was very happy to sign up and I was pleased they looked to be taking responsibility.

They then fell out with their friendship group and now school is the enemy, everyone is vile, they're a leper in their year.

They did go to the first one yesterday, 4 hours of English. They complained bitterly about it before going. Luckily no one from the group was there. However, the tutor said to turn to the right and speak to the person on that side about the text book. The lad sitting next to her turned, looked "horrified" and spoke to girls he clearly knew. I would imagine he wasn't horrified but knew the girls. One girl said she liked DDs bag which they made themselves so I said she should've continued a conversation about the band on the front.

It's art today but last night they were trying to get out of it. It's literally 6 hours of it but they really need it. Tutor was very much adamant that every student needed to be there. It's DDs most hated subject though but I will be firm.

How are you all?

Not great. I find the holidays difficult with lack of structure and routine and mum guilt that holidays should somehow involve more activity. But with an only ASC teen and friendships being difficult and no real suggestions from the him as to what he ‘realistically’ would like to do with this time I can’t see the solution. I think he’s probably ok with the opportunity to game veg out, interspersed with food being delivered and resting with the odd activity thrown in. I’m just feeling hormonal and down about everything. Hope others are faring better.

Mixed bag here. I got my teens theme park passes so they have somewhere to be most days in the holidays (we’re local). BUT I’m really worrying about money - same as everyone really, increasing costs yada yada. I’ve turned into Tupperware mum where I won’t buy anything when we’re out. I feel grinchy and mean.

tbf teens aren’t complaining about anything but I’m managing to suck the joy out of it (in my head). I know we’re in a fortunate position btw. And trying to keep it to myself.

my ds has a tutor booked to start after the holidays it’s just one more thing for me to fret about but it’s like err an investment? He can’t get this time back and I can’t help him.

god tutors and merlin passes - what nice problems I have

Reading this after a really difficult day/couple of weeks with teens. Both have told me they hate me and dh and I believe them😥.
I know I've made a mess of some things over the years but I can't change the past. I actually felt suicidal today but don't want to mess them up even more. Feeling so terribly guilty.

@beachruns I totally understand where you come from. Everything is more expensive these days and we have to be more careful with money, hoping one day they will realise how much we are investing in them.

Therapy for DD13 costs a fortune and I feel she is not making a real effort. Feeling a bit low about it.
@Fififizz I hope you find something to do with your DS that is bonding. Maybe even playing a game together might be a start. Feeling for you.

@losenotloose sorry I just read your update now. Very sorry to hear how bad you are feeling. Please be compassionate with yourself and go tomorrow morning to your GP and ask for help. xx

@girlswillbegirls thank you. Unfortunately when I've been to the gp before I've been offered CBT which I didn't find helpful. The waiting list for talking therapy is massive and the low cost option is £25 per session, which I can't afford. I feel like I'm going in circles.

It can be so difficult being a parent and some parents have an extra difficult time. Please don’t blame yourself.

@losenotloose Sorry to hear you cannot afford the therapy you need. Would you have a good friend you can trust? Please don't blame yourself, teenagers are difficult and it will pass. Keep active, go on long walks and meet a good friend over a cup of tea. You will feel so much better after that xx

Back to college here and lots of tears, wants to quit but hopefully will see it through to the end of summer term. Not sure what the options are as she is yet to pass english and maths, not for want of trying. She gets an A for that. She struggles so much socially, to get along with others. RSD is a major obstacle. Inside I want to yell get a grip but I know that wont help. I'm feeling drained but know I have to stay strong and hope she'll find her way.

We have reached nemesis day- Art GCSE
5 hours today and same again tomorrow.

Considering they've done three years of (until Covid, their school started GCSE at year 9) I'm proud they got this far.

DD though reckons they don't want to do it. They'd rather be in media (do they heck, they moan about that as well usually). Total aversion tactics.

They will go obviously and will do it, but I know there will be tears before during and after. The tutor has said as it's art so no written work, those who wish can wear headphones with music low. So we have made sure their iPod (a lifeline of calm) is charged up and appropriate music selected.

Then next it's all the written exams from the 15th May. We went to a exam stress buster evening and they have been staying after school for catch up sessions too. And they finally reported the boy who has been vile to them for months so hopefully he gets what's coming to him.

Feeling for you all with older teens going through exams. Very relaxed here as it’s been a three week school holiday and teen DD has been away with family for a few days. I’m preparing myself for a lot of anxiety over the weekend, but have missed her being here.

For me it's the lack of control, there's literally very little I can do when its DD sitting the exam. I can't do it for them. I wish I could! Its why I say I'm more worried about these exams than I ever was my own, because mine were all up to me so only I could get the grades I wanted or needed.

I'm trying lots of positivity, lots of re-enforcement of we believe in their ability. I also bought them some This Works stress busting roll on and they've been using that. I'm sure it's mind over matter but that will do!

Hi all, been lurking on this thread for a while. I'm sorry to hear that so many of us are struggling with our teens.

I have a DD aged 13 who has eating disorder and is now self-harming. We know what's behind it all, which is something I suppose - it's body image, hating her body and how she looks. Which we can do nothing about other than positive reinforcement.

The self-harm has pushed me over the edge and I'm anxious most of the time. She's already seeing a counsellor privately although I struggled to find someone who had a space so I'm not sure this counsellor is the right fit for her or has enough experience (she's very young). I'm trying to find someone else.

Have spoken to the GP who seemed clueless about a referral to CAMHS but he has done this; we've received a letter suggesting we self-refer to something called First Steps. No idea what this is but will go ahead and do it.

However, my friend has suggested finding a private psychologist but I have no clue where to start other than Googling someone local. I don't know anyone who can recommend someone.

Has anyone been down this path and how did you find someone suitable?

Oh wow that's really tough. I know nothing about eating disorders.

I know Caitlin Moran's daughter found support from BEAT. I listened to CM's book (how to build a girl? I think?)

Anyway it was so moving just hearing from a Mum worried about her daughter feeling helpless.

Thanks @biehrvduevr I'll take a look. It's the self-harm that's more worrying for me right now as although she's all over the place with her eating, she's not underweight. Both clearly need addressing, but the cutting is just so shocking.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My eldest daughter had an eating disorder from the age of 11 to 13. The earlier you can get help the better. My daughter got very unwell and was in hospital for about 6 weeks. The Gp didn’t refer her to cahms as she didn’t meet the criteria!! We saw a private dietician and she was admitted straight to hospital from that appointment. The GP later write me a long message apologising. So when you see the GP don’t hold back on your fears. Your daughter should also be having her blood pressure and heart rate checked and a blood test so there is a base line - and it can get very serious if the heart rate gets low. Also if it is at all possible sneak in any calories you can eg, if I made dinner I would put in extra olive oil or even sprinkle some ground almond in it just to get calories and fat they need for the brain to function better. Or if I made a smoothie it had double cream in it. Anythung with high calories but low volume. Fresubin drinks were prescribed for us - a tiny fruit juice but it had 300 calories. You really need a good community ED nurse who can do a meal plan with you. For support I found Beat good and a forum called - around the dinner table. Also Eva Musby does some good books and YouTube’s about how to communicate effectively and calmly - as it’s so highly stressful. I would get as much help as soon as you can as it’s too hard to do it on your own, esp now with self harming too. Maybe the school can help too - they did in our case - as they have seen it before and know where to get help and can help you get it - and can also provide support for your daughter too. I’m wishing you better days ahead and hope you can stay strong to work through these difficult times. And sending you a hug x ( just to help you stay positive too - is my daughter recovered and I don’t even think about it much these days - so you can beat this) x

Thanks @Suffolkcatlady - DD isn't underweight, she has bingeing episodes (will eat a whole cake) and then not eat much other than chicken and green beans for a day or two. So I think calorie-wise she's not massively down but I could be wrong. She is very controlling and very bright so no chance of getting accidental calories into her! The GP said she wouldn't meet their threshold and even if we saw a dietician, I don't think we'd have much success without mental health treatment to complement it.

The issues all stem from a hatred of how she looks. She's incredibly tall for her age (and I mean incredibly - 6ft 1in at age 13), and well-developed (big boobs) and looks so different to her peers. This wasn't a problem really until secondary school with boys making crass comments. So now she's fixated on her looks, and the cutting seems to be linked to stress-points e.g. going back to school and not having to wear her blazer (summer uniform rules) but she hates how she looks in her blouse and jumper. So she's been self-harming in response to that stress.

I just need to get her some proper help but don't know where to start. I think I'll call a couple of the charities - Young Minds seems to come up on a lot of searches. I know that the ED and self-harm is the outward expression of her body image issues. That's what we need to get treated.

Hi I @TeenagersAngst sorry to hear you are going through this -
i have experience of working with eating disorders -
i would agree that she needs specialist eating disorder support
are you midlands ?
in midlands there is a very good eating disorders service called first Steps -I wonder if that’s what you have been sign posted to ??
with binge eating / restricting, check if she is purging - vomiting / laxatives etc
if so, talk to GP she may need a blood test to monitor electrolytes
BEAT is a good resource
the recommended treatment for binge eating type eating disorders is CBT
cognitive behavioural therapy
but you need a CBT practitioner who IS trained in eating disorders as it has a very specific treatment protocol that the therapist needs to be trained in
best wishes