Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

Yes...

I live with two teenagers.
Both are Autistic (struggle socially - HUGELY)
Both are also Dyslexic (therefore struggle at School academically despite being very bright)
Their Father buggered off as 'family life is too tiring'.
Yes. I am their Carer (quite high needs re ASD etc )
But... they are also teenagers. I have to constantly 'set the boundaries'
I cry most days.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain

Your poor dd.

Yet to experience this one but I hear never slag the boy or friend off in the moment. Once she has got over it a bit you can but not now. Just give her cuddles and suggest nice things. A movie and nice meal. Buy her a treat. Just be there with tea and sympathy basically.

Yeah that's largely the approach I'm taking.

Her dad (XH) and I have both failed on the not slagging him off over the last few weeks though!

She's mostly shrugging off cuddles and if I ask what she wants to eat/drink/do the answer is either 'don't know' or 'don't care' 🙄.

She's up to her eyeballs with college and uni applications atm so I just really want to keep her afloat so that's not impacted.

Having a girls day out at the end of the month...might pop and get her some flowers for her room later.

Oh massage!
Not a feeble one a proper deep shoulder massage

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

@steppemum

I have a confession. Last week I had to attend a family funeral, 3 hours drive away early in the morning.

I booked a hotel for the night before, set off mid morning, did some Christmas shopping, then went for a mini spa sesh at a Bannatyne place just down the road from the hotel (swim, jacuzzi, steam room, massage and facial).

I had steak and chips for dinner in the neighbouring pub and a large glass of red then retired to cosy hotel room, put on my favourite PJs and fluffy socks and chilled out for the evening.

It was blissful!

Oh I am so jealous!

I am away next week. Work at a conference in Germany.
I love my job and at one level I am looking forward to the conference. At another level I am wondering if I can duck out and have a shopping day. (useless as it is in the middle of nowhere, and i am one of the speakers 😂)

4 blissful nights away with no responsibilities. (first night will be in the terminal at Heathrow though, due to crap connections)
But dh is also away, so a friend is staying at our house.
She is amazing, my kids know her well, but when I get back I know that I will get the backlash from dd2 of me being away for a week.
<sigh>

It sounds you are doing great.
She needs to know you are there for her. Making her favorite dinner, movie and day out with her sounds fantastic.
It's normal She doesn't want to discuss the ins and outs of what happened with that boy with you, and prefer to do it with her friends.
Maybe while you are with her you can mentioned some past story where you as a teen broke up with a boyfriend when and you were in bits for a while...but at the end you met someone so much nicer etc....
Anyway the idea is that we don't ask them for info but tell them stories they can relate with.

I think you are doing really well providing support xx

The above meant to be for @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain

MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain

when ds was in similar post break up low, I remember I made him bacon sandwiches on saturday with a mug of tea - breakfast in bed. he was surprised and grateful, and I just said love you and left. He told me later is meant a lot. Something to show you care without overwhelming them.

Thanks all. It's just so hard not being able to do anything.

I've picked her up from college (a friend took her in as she's had some work done on her car today) and she's basically just come home, curled up on the sofa sobbing and fallen asleep.

She didn't eat any lunch so don't know if the lasagne will tempt her.

Maybe while you are with her you can mentioned some past story where you as a teen broke up with a boyfriend when and you were in bits for a while...

She knows all about my 'first love' as I'm still in touch with his mum. Unfortunately after we split and I had a few more boyfriends I met her dad from whom I'm now divorced. Meanwhile FL married, had 3 kids and died suddenly age 39 from an undiagnosed heart condition, so it's not the most cheery analogy.

@steppemum hope your trip goes well and you get some downtime and minimal aggro on your return.

After a nightmare morning just had a lovely conversation while she was coming home on the bus

Sometimes we have the best convos on the phone. Hold onto the little moments.

@steppemum what a great idea, breakfast in bed! I take note.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain sorry you can't use your first love story. Must be heartbreaking to see your DD on the sofa like that. Soapy first love movie with you with hot chocolate might work, picked my her.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver that's great news, it's all about the little good moments. My DD13 goes from 'I hate you' to 'you are my best friend' within the same day. Its all drama.
Enjoy those conversations with her.

Well she ate the lasagne and came back for more garlic bread.

She's had a heart to heart with one of her oldest friends and seems to be processing it all now so fingers crossed!

hello please can I join you? I have DD16, DD14 and DS10. DD16 is the most hard work. She’s been referred for autism assessment but declined as she didn’t want a label (which is absolutely her choice) but it does make parenting her more challenging at times - imagine teen lack of empathy doubled! And there are many rules in her head and a lot of masking which makes her exhausted. Yesterday evening she told me to ‘shut up’ and ‘shut your face’ and thought I was being ‘stubborn’ when I told her that was not acceptable. Then 5 mins later she’s showing me her art homework like nothing happened. This sort of thing happens a lot.

My question is - do I just let it slide because I love her and being 16 is difficult and I’m glad she talks to me when she’s not been unimaginably rude? It feels wrong in some ways but in other ways not worth prolonging the fight - I wouldn’t live with a partner who was so rude on a daily basis- but on the other hand when she’s not being rude she talks to me about what she’s doing and her friends etc and I know that she’s putting a huge effort into managing everyday. And she eats now (sort of, but that’s another post!) and she’s going to school no problem which wasn’t always the case.

I feel like having children has taken a huge part of who I am and it’s only now I’m starting to get it back. I’m sure this is not what was advertised!

I feel like having children has taken a huge part of who I am and it’s only now I’m starting to get it back. I’m sure this is not what was advertised!

couldn't agree more!

I have gone a bit tough love this week. I have said absolutely no to me being sworn at. They go to school. Whining in the morning needs to stop,

ask me next week if it’s still my strategy!

They both dress like Julia Roberts in the first half of Pretty Woman

😁I love this! 😄

I also agree with this. I think our generation has possibly invested more in our parenting than that of our parents, or we have been more hands on, certainly different things were expected of us as mothers I think, and it's left us more exhausted as a result.

Oh this thread might just save me a fortune in therapy!! Though I think I need it anyway.

I’ve got two teen boys, 15 and 13. 15 yo has given me a false sense of security that teen years aren’t that bad (barring the odd bit of vaping and having a bedroom like a cesspit) but 13 yo is on a different level, and we’re only at the beginning of what I feel is going to be a long and painful few years ahead.

I’m really struggling with the loneliness of parenting teens. To go from being the person they always need, arranging your whole life around them, to suddenly not being needed or wanted is really difficult. Plus that constant feeling of wondering if you’re picking your battles or burying your head in the sand, or overthinking everything and being too harsh on them…either way the guilt and the blame is always there.

May the force be with us all as we battle through this xx

I’m really struggling with the loneliness of parenting teens. To go from being the person they always need, arranging your whole life around them, to suddenly not being needed or wanted is really difficult.

Yup...since DD turned 18 a couple of months ago it's like I'm not longer relevant in her life...and we've always been really close.

She's been moping around like a dementor the last couple of days...I've been permitted to hug her a couple of times and she's slept in my bed the last two nights, but otherwise seems to have confided far more in her dad and yesterday asked me when her godmother (my best mate) is next coming round...

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain that lasagna strategy worked out, congrats!
@steppemum I agree this generation of parents have invested so much in our parenting, more than any generation before. DD is doing exams now and I have to admit I'm helicotering around her in a big way, which I know it's not good for her independence at all. I wonder how I can let go and let her learn with consequences...and this is on top of my full time job and adding other two DC and 1 DH to the mix. I am exhausted.

To quote DD16 ‘academic success is social suicide’.

It’s a bit frustrating because she’s quite a clever young person but I think when I was growing up there was too much emphasis on exam results and I’m not sure the outcome made us any happier just under more pressure. I had to stop helicoptering for my own sanity and also it won’t work - she’ll just be more stubborn.

Why on earth do they make 16 year olds take exams that might have an influence on the rest of their lives. This is the age when they are most likely to think they know everything and least likely to make sensible decisions!

(As an aside, DD14 told me to stop smiling at her today)

I love you guys.

your honesty.

knowing I can check in here on a night to share the highs, the lows, the middles.

knowing I’m not alone in my teen tribulations!

Oh my goodness-
my week so far with my 15yr old -
im not hungry at mealtimes, snuffling around the kitchen hoovering up snacks, all the time !!
clothes thrown in the laundry after being worn for 5 minutes!
more friendship issues
panic attack at school - unexpected test thrown on the class and ex- friend threw a dirty look her way….
homework not completed-can I write a note saying the computer froze ???
can I sleep in your bed with you mum ?
what’s the budget for my Christmas presents ?
can I have a lift to meet ex-friend to have a catch up, not an ex-friend, keep up mum !
want to drop out of out of school activity -
no one likes me there -
can my boyfriend have a sleepover here ???
😩😩😩😩😩
HELP !!!
I’m DRAINED !!!

…. And this morning …. I can’t go to school my throat hurts ….
here is paracetamol and lozanges
If you aren’t well enough to go to school, no seeing boyfriend tonight …

in car on way to school - massive strop - my face is orange …
i hate my face
I hate myself
punching self in the leg
tears

I’m supportive and reassuring - you look fine, lovely etc
I’m told I don’t understand

I tell her that she needs to count blessings - there isn’t anything wrong with her face

she looses her shit at me

i shout - what u going to do ? Buy a new face on Vinted ??

she says I hate you - I am never talking to you again - you are lucky I am not cutting myself again ….

I say well I want you to keep talking to me, I love you very much,
but hating on yourself is hard to hear and you need to recognise what you can’t change and not bully yourself about things you can’t change - only you can do that -

I drop her off at school
all this emotional distress before I even start work ….

feel broken sometimes 🥲
I want her to grow some resilience / esteem
i know the teenage ego is so fragile
but how do I stop support being a crutch that gets in the way of development self regulation skills ?????