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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To insist on good morning even when grumpy?

205 replies

Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:03

My teen dd isn't a morning person and goes to bed way too late too.
In the morning she's storming about and doesn't answer when I say good morning or have a good day when she leaves. Gets unpleasant when we hurry her so she doesn't miss the school bus (as then she has no way of getting to school other than us driving her).
I've told her that it's really not nice for us and that while she doesn't have to be cheerful or chatty that a minimum level of politeness is expected. A good morning to my good morning and a thank you to have a good day and no rudness if we need to hurry her so that she doesn't miss the bus.
This morning I said to her good morning and she refused to respond. When I told her it's not acceptable, she swore at me.
So now I intend to discuss and punish her.
My dh think iabu and that I should just accept she's grumpy in the morning and not speak to her at all. I think the basics of politeness are important in any family. If one of her friends or teachers was there, she would manage to be polite, that's for sure, so she's entirely capable of it.
Aibu?

OP posts:
WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 22/04/2022 01:18

Pick your battles tbh. She’ll come back around.

Signed,
Grumpy night owl with small children

PS don’t even speak to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Kanaloa · 22/04/2022 01:21

Depending on her age (different if 13 or 16!) I’d be telling her she needs to organise herself onto the bus in the mornings or she will lose pocket money/have to pay for a taxi etc. Put the responsibility onto her and not onto you nagging her.

As for her not saying thank you when you say have a good day I don’t think I’d really be making that my hill to die on. It’s not going to be genuine anyway, is it? So I’d focus more on pushing her to be independent in the mornings then limit interaction at that time as you know she prefers to be left alone.

Marblessolveeverything · 22/04/2022 01:25

The teen years are long pick your battles.

Topseyt123 · 22/04/2022 01:28

My DD2 is 23. It is a family joke that we just grunt at each other in the mornings. She's perfectly polite when it really matters, including to us as her parents.

Pick your battles. I sometimes don't feel all that responsive in the mornings and in my own home I hope that my family will let me be.

I am, of course, polite and respectful on the rare occasion we might have a guest. So long as DD understands that and behaves accordingly then I would leave her be most of the time.

Topseyt123 · 22/04/2022 01:33

Topseyt123 · 22/04/2022 01:28

My DD2 is 23. It is a family joke that we just grunt at each other in the mornings. She's perfectly polite when it really matters, including to us as her parents.

Pick your battles. I sometimes don't feel all that responsive in the mornings and in my own home I hope that my family will let me be.

I am, of course, polite and respectful on the rare occasion we might have a guest. So long as DD understands that and behaves accordingly then I would leave her be most of the time.

I mean of course, leave her be as long as she is ready for the school bus in time and doesn't miss it.

Has she ever missed the bus, or given you cause to think she will? Has she form for that? Mine were all capable of all manner of arsing about, but actually none of them ever missed the bus.

ispepsiokay · 22/04/2022 01:35

She doesn't owe you a good morning, it's a ridiculous hill to die upon.

Maybe you could consider being less cheerful and chatty in the morning as it can be as annoying as hell 😂

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:49

I didn't say I was chatty and cheerful. But surely if someone, anyone, says good morning to you, the minimum expected response is good morning back?

It seems like what I'd expect as minimum standard of politeness and respect is too high? I've had nights with no sleep and yet still managed to return a good morning to random strangers. Seems this isn't the standard anymore? We can all just ignore greetings because it's morning?

She's not missed the bus but has been late and her sister asked them to wait and hold everyone else up.

OP posts:
RockItLikeRocketFuel · 22/04/2022 01:52

ispepsiokay · 22/04/2022 01:35

She doesn't owe you a good morning, it's a ridiculous hill to die upon.

Maybe you could consider being less cheerful and chatty in the morning as it can be as annoying as hell 😂

Back when I was still living with my parents, I'd have given my right arm to get out of the house in the mornings without enduring any human interaction. My DP is 39 and is still like this.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:53

She's not independent in the mornings. Asks us to wake her (which i hate) because she doesn't wake from the alarm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:55

@RockItLikeRocketFuel
You may have wanted to or not liked it but I'm pretty sure you were capable of a good morning response. Or would you just ignore everyone?
I honestly don't get it. I've been grumpy through lack of sleep too but still been able to have a minimum level of politeness for those around me.

OP posts:
RockItLikeRocketFuel · 22/04/2022 01:57

Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:53

She's not independent in the mornings. Asks us to wake her (which i hate) because she doesn't wake from the alarm.

She hates it even more than you do.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:59

@RockItLikeRocketFuel
If she hates her parents waking her, she's MORE than welcome to do it herself. She's asked us to do it.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 22/04/2022 01:59

She needs to become independent and start sorting herself in the mornings. Then you can limit interaction.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 02:00

And I'm not sure you understand how much I hate trying to wake her up...

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 22/04/2022 02:00

Just because she’s asked you doesn’t mean you have to do it. You can just say ‘it’s causing too much aggro in the house. You need to learn to take responsibility for this yourself now.’

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 22/04/2022 02:01

Honestly, I'd just ignore everyone. Not because I wanted to, I knew full well it was rude, but that was simply my state of mind at the time. I got used to it, maybe she will too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2022 02:04

My theory is that if you ask people to perform happiness and gratitude, it makes the real thing much less likely. Same with apologies.

IME forced happiness, gratitude and apologies make people resistant and avoidant.

She shouldn't be actively rude if hurried for the bus as that's non-negotiable. But making her thank you for wishing her a nice day does seem unnecessarily confrontational.

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 22/04/2022 02:05

Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:59

@RockItLikeRocketFuel
If she hates her parents waking her, she's MORE than welcome to do it herself. She's asked us to do it.

Some young people genuinely find it difficult to wake up early. I did. If she's asking you to wake her up it's because she knows she needs to but can't rely on herself. It puts you in a bad mood, so I'd cut her some slack.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 02:08

@MrsTerryPratchett
But most of us don't actually mean gratitude when we say thanks, it's just politeness.
Saying thank you when someone wishes you a nice day is just being polite. Of course, this on its own wouldn't be a massive issue but it's a minimum level of politeness and respect I would expect from anyone really.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 22/04/2022 02:09

I think it’s rude to to reply when spoken to. But I realize I come from a different era and most parents wouldn’t care about this. I just think it’s rude.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 02:17

Sunnytwobridges · 22/04/2022 02:09

I think it’s rude to to reply when spoken to. But I realize I come from a different era and most parents wouldn’t care about this. I just think it’s rude.

That's my feeling too. Just a minimal response to a normal greeting. I'd expect DD to do the same to the bus driver or whoever. But maybe it's a generational thing and ignoring people is now OK.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2022 02:19

And I don't want politeness and manners. Or respect for that matter. I want consideration, and hopefully to raise a happy, grateful, kind person.

Every family has a different value system and yours can be that manners is basic. That's OK. I just think it makes other things less likely.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 22/04/2022 02:20

I say good morning to my kids it doesn’t even register to me if they say it back (pretty much never with my eldest as he doesn’t really do greetings). If I say it to my team in work I get ignored my most of them 😁

I wouldn’t be happy with the swearing but that would just be pointed out at the time.

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 22/04/2022 02:22

It's not a generational thing. Teenagers have been surly and monosyllabic since I was a teenager and probably before that.

She isn't a morning person (yet), get over it.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 02:38

@MrsTerryPratchett
I'd disagree. I think politeness is actually all about consideration and kindness. And you can fake it until you make it. Enforcing politeness is not going to be at the expense of kindness.
As I said, if the bus driver says good morning to her, I'd equally expect her to respect him and respond appropriately whether she feels like it or not.

OP posts:
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