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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To insist on good morning even when grumpy?

205 replies

Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:03

My teen dd isn't a morning person and goes to bed way too late too.
In the morning she's storming about and doesn't answer when I say good morning or have a good day when she leaves. Gets unpleasant when we hurry her so she doesn't miss the school bus (as then she has no way of getting to school other than us driving her).
I've told her that it's really not nice for us and that while she doesn't have to be cheerful or chatty that a minimum level of politeness is expected. A good morning to my good morning and a thank you to have a good day and no rudness if we need to hurry her so that she doesn't miss the bus.
This morning I said to her good morning and she refused to respond. When I told her it's not acceptable, she swore at me.
So now I intend to discuss and punish her.
My dh think iabu and that I should just accept she's grumpy in the morning and not speak to her at all. I think the basics of politeness are important in any family. If one of her friends or teachers was there, she would manage to be polite, that's for sure, so she's entirely capable of it.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 02:40

Maybeitstimeforachange · 22/04/2022 02:20

I say good morning to my kids it doesn’t even register to me if they say it back (pretty much never with my eldest as he doesn’t really do greetings). If I say it to my team in work I get ignored my most of them 😁

I wouldn’t be happy with the swearing but that would just be pointed out at the time.

I couldn't imagine my team at work ignoring me if I said good morning or similar to them. I feel a bit like I must be in a parallel universe where what seems to me the basics of politeness seem to be totally disregarded by others. I just could not imagine not returning a greeting of good morning to anyone, seems the height of rudeness.

OP posts:
Yellowpens · 22/04/2022 02:41

Enforced social interaction, all designed to placate/satisfy/validate the person who WANTS to interact.

Ugh.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 02:42

ENFORCED social interaction because of a good morning? This is getting even more bizarre. I forgot how insane AIBU threads can get 😂

OP posts:
Noname1999 · 22/04/2022 02:44

She's a teen - let it go! There are more important battles to fight.

Support her to get up on her own. Multiple alarms or whatever it takes. And depending on her age a few natural consequences might do her good.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 02:47

Yes, that might be the way to go. If she's not capable of being polite in the morning, she needs to do it all herself.

Bit of a problem that my DH is a softie and probably wouldn't allow the natural consequences to happen but that's a separate issue! He actually lays out all her stuff - mask, shoes etc - to help her get out the door. He does the wake ups too because I refuse to do it as it's so unpleasant.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2022 03:16

And you can fake it until you make it.

You can, I can. Teenagers struggle with it.

And feel free to disagree. It's only an opinion. I've seen too many grown adults who see apologies and thanks as something to be avoided because it was forced and policed. By winning and losing. Which is why people say 'pick your battles'. It's all about relationship at this age. If you can preserve the relationship, you will have a great adult. Win too many battles and they lie and avoid until they can leave home.

I do think a conversation at a neutral time when you are assertive and kind is a good idea. Say you get shes grumpy but it's not balanced for you to do everything and then be ignored. Give her the option, do everything for herself and slide out without saying anything. Or you help her up and help her get ready but she can't be a total grump. You'll have to get DH onside though.

You do sound like you want to win. Which I understand because when someone throws a ball we chase it. But her being childish is forcing you into an authoritarian place. You are trying at this age to change the communication to adult to adult. You have to stay adult. Not turn into the nagging and repeating parent.

Ponderingwindow · 22/04/2022 03:18

She isn’t out in public. She shouldn’t have to be “on”. While she shouldn’t make anyone else’s life unpleasant, home is the place she should be able to drop the artifice off social convention. Wearing that public mask is exhausting. Why would you want to put that wall between yourself and your child so young? It may come some day. She will treat you as yet another person she has to put on a mask for and perform. Right now she still treats you like one of the trusted few.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2022 03:18

If she's not capable of being polite in the morning, she needs to do it all herself.

Not this BTW. That's a punishment. Rather, you pick together an option which you can both live with. Not 'fine see where that gets you'. More, 'I find this hard you find that hard, what should we do?'?

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 03:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2022 03:18

If she's not capable of being polite in the morning, she needs to do it all herself.

Not this BTW. That's a punishment. Rather, you pick together an option which you can both live with. Not 'fine see where that gets you'. More, 'I find this hard you find that hard, what should we do?'?

Its not a punishment but a consequence. If you dont want social interaction in the morning, ok, but then the result is you have to do it yourself.

But agree we will have to logically lead her to this conclusion by explaining the impact of her morning unpleasantness on others.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 22/04/2022 03:33

Yellowpens · 22/04/2022 02:41

Enforced social interaction, all designed to placate/satisfy/validate the person who WANTS to interact.

Ugh.

This. Why does your wish for pointless chatter trump her wish for quiet?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2022 03:38

@Sawadeekaka

Its not a punishment but a consequence. If you dont want social interaction in the morning, ok, but then the result is you have to do it yourself.

But agree we will have to logically lead her to this conclusion by explaining the impact of her morning unpleasantness on others.

No, it's a punishment. It's all in the delivery. Consequences are natural and you empathise. It's the delivery. If you start it with, "if you're not capable of..." everyone knows it's a punishment. If you start it with, "I know it's crap to be late for school and I understand..." that is a consequence.

It's a tiny adjustment but it's incredibly important.

Fewest words possible, not gloating, not 'I told you so', not winning. Empathy and understanding and emotionally mirroring but keeping the boundary. Agreeing boundaries at a calm, neutral time.

I promise it works. Or you can play to win and get more of the same.

myveryloudsun · 22/04/2022 03:45

@Sawadeekaka

ENFORCED social interaction because of a good morning? This is getting even more bizarre. I forgot how insane AIBU threads can get 😂
What do you want out of this thread?

You sound argumentative and needlessly confrontational. Maybe why she doesn't want to engage with you.

myveryloudsun · 22/04/2022 03:46

@Ponderingwindow

She isn’t out in public. She shouldn’t have to be “on”. While she shouldn’t make anyone else’s life unpleasant, home is the place she should be able to drop the artifice off social convention. Wearing that public mask is exhausting. Why would you want to put that wall between yourself and your child so young? It may come some day. She will treat you as yet another person she has to put on a mask for and perform. Right now she still treats you like one of the trusted few.
Exactly! Great post
myveryloudsun · 22/04/2022 03:48

@Sawadeekaka

Its not a punishment but a consequence. If you dont want social interaction in the morning, ok, but then the result is you have to do it yourself.

But agree we will have to logically lead her to this conclusion by explaining the impact of her morning unpleasantness on others.

How is she unpleasant?

You sound very transactional. Are you a warm person? Because your posts sound cold, or like you don't even like your daughter

NurseBernard · 22/04/2022 03:52

Surprised at the responses.

Or maybe I’m not. This is MN…..

I wouldn’t have dreamt - or even wanted - to speak to my parents that way.

She can be moody if she wants, but she can’t expect people to like or accept it.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 03:54

myveryloudsun · 22/04/2022 03:48

@Sawadeekaka

Its not a punishment but a consequence. If you dont want social interaction in the morning, ok, but then the result is you have to do it yourself.

But agree we will have to logically lead her to this conclusion by explaining the impact of her morning unpleasantness on others.

How is she unpleasant?

You sound very transactional. Are you a warm person? Because your posts sound cold, or like you don't even like your daughter

And you seem very judgemental. Yuk. My posts sound like I don't like my Dd🤣

No, indeed, I don't like her much in the mornings. Still love her of course. Mostly like her at other times. I don't think there's any parenting requirement to like your children at all times regardless of how they behave. Do you have teens?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 03:57

How is she unpleasant? Sweaing, slamming doors, shouting
Just don't think this is acceptable

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 22/04/2022 04:06

YABU - she's a teenager, why poke the bear. Just continue to say good morning without demanding a response

myveryloudsun · 22/04/2022 04:07

@Sawadeekaka

How is she unpleasant? Sweaing, slamming doors, shouting Just don't think this is acceptable
Drip feed
Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 04:08

NurseBernard · 22/04/2022 03:52

Surprised at the responses.

Or maybe I’m not. This is MN…..

I wouldn’t have dreamt - or even wanted - to speak to my parents that way.

She can be moody if she wants, but she can’t expect people to like or accept it.

I know right? Some really weird posts.
But also some good ideas about how to approach this from others so guess you have to take the bizarre with the sensible!

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 22/04/2022 04:08

This isn’t the hill I’d die on, but also, I’d stop waking her her up. She needs to learn to do that herself so she’s not blaming you for waking her. Get her an Alexa or someone’s and let her accept the consequences of being late a couple of times.

WildFlowerBees · 22/04/2022 04:23

MN at its finest "Is this a hill you want to die on op" or "pick your battles" only ever said on here. 🙄

It's not unreasonable to expect a little courtesy but here on MN we must revere children and except all forms of behaviour and we wonder why young people today are so rude and entitled.

DropYourSword · 22/04/2022 04:51

I think the basics of politeness are important in any family

Agreed. Which is why I don't think you're being very polite being goady with this and forcing a response. Just leave her be while she gets her head into gear and sorts herself out.

Moomeh · 22/04/2022 05:53

So now I intend to discuss and punish her.

I think yabu, huge overreaction

SnowyPetals · 22/04/2022 05:58

I am with you OP. I am surprised by the responses on here. If my teens were that rude in the mornings there would most definitely be discussions had. And the swearing at you is totally unacceptable.

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