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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To insist on good morning even when grumpy?

205 replies

Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 01:03

My teen dd isn't a morning person and goes to bed way too late too.
In the morning she's storming about and doesn't answer when I say good morning or have a good day when she leaves. Gets unpleasant when we hurry her so she doesn't miss the school bus (as then she has no way of getting to school other than us driving her).
I've told her that it's really not nice for us and that while she doesn't have to be cheerful or chatty that a minimum level of politeness is expected. A good morning to my good morning and a thank you to have a good day and no rudness if we need to hurry her so that she doesn't miss the bus.
This morning I said to her good morning and she refused to respond. When I told her it's not acceptable, she swore at me.
So now I intend to discuss and punish her.
My dh think iabu and that I should just accept she's grumpy in the morning and not speak to her at all. I think the basics of politeness are important in any family. If one of her friends or teachers was there, she would manage to be polite, that's for sure, so she's entirely capable of it.
Aibu?

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 22/04/2022 06:57

Do you often enforce your will on other family members OP, you want the control and are looking for the fight with her with you insisting on her interacting with you in a specific way of your choosing

Id have a look at threads wher OP has gone no contact with parents so you can prepare yourself for the future relationship you won't have with your daughter

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 06:59

@MrsTerryPratchett

But it's not insistence. As I wrote, I had been letting things slide. This morning was the first time I insisted.

As I said, it's a whole package of unpleasant morning behaviour. She's rude , she's unpleasant, she storms about. I get that greeting is only one part of it. To me, it seems a general part of being polite to one another but if it were isolated on its own, it wouldn't matter so much.

I'll take to her when she comes home. I appreciate the point about empathy which is always helpful and a good reminder. She finds morning hard and she does have an early start which we know isn't great for teens. But it's still not OK to behave like this in the morning - again, beyond any greeting (which is what I find particularly annoying), it's her whole morning behaviour. As I mentioned, pretty sure lack of sleep is contributing here too. She was much better during lockdown when she was sleeping more and in holidays no morning probs at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 07:01

JustAnotherPoster00 · 22/04/2022 06:57

Do you often enforce your will on other family members OP, you want the control and are looking for the fight with her with you insisting on her interacting with you in a specific way of your choosing

Id have a look at threads wher OP has gone no contact with parents so you can prepare yourself for the future relationship you won't have with your daughter

Oh puleez. Do me a favour with the hyperbole and armchair psychology 🙄

OP posts:
soupmaker · 22/04/2022 07:04

There's your answer OP. She needs more sleep. The issue here seems to me to be the late night device use. We have a DD same age as yours. She doesn't chat much in the mornings and is best left to get on with it - she's like her DF. I've never insisted on morning chat but I do insist on devices downstairs out of bedroom by 10.15pm at the latest on school nights.

Moochio · 22/04/2022 07:08

Have you tried giving her a hug lately?

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 07:09

More worried about her reaction about device removal than I am about addressing morning behaviour! it will not be easy. I did try when regular school resumed about 6 months ago but pushback was pretty intense as we'd been lax while schools were online and it's hard to re-establish these kind of things. She assured she was mature enough to handle having the devices in her room. But guess it might need to be done since she does have such as early start.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 07:10

Moochio · 22/04/2022 07:08

Have you tried giving her a hug lately?

Yes of course. Frequently and often. Last night in fact. She is a much-loved child even if I don't like her behaviour in the mornings.

OP posts:
pilates · 22/04/2022 07:11

I insisted on gadgets out at night with both of mine while they were at school much to their annoyance.
The swearing and slamming doors is not acceptable
I would stop the “good morning” as it’s obviously annoying her but just wish her a nice day as she leaves.

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 07:13

If we're going for removal of devices, it's gonna be a much larger battle than any good morning might ever have been. Not looking forward to this one but gut feeling that it might be necessary.

OP posts:
ScaldedBy · 22/04/2022 07:24

Reminds me of lord of the rings and the line that goes through my head every time someone says it to me:

"What do you mean?" he said. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?"

I'm a morning person but most of them aren't good. Morning will do if you get a grunt so be it... I wouldn't worry.

Momicrone · 22/04/2022 07:24

Just stop saying good morning, she'll have left home soon enough. The main thing is she gets to school.

apricotlane · 22/04/2022 07:25

Try something different. Forced politeness is not fun. I would say to my daughter 'Morning lovey, how did you sleep?' It's a direct question.

I think if she is trying to press your buttons you should have a chat as it is rude - I do think she should be encouraged to respond in some way but I don't think specifically think the phrase 'good morning' is that important.

HoyaSaxa · 22/04/2022 07:29

I would not force a lot of interaction but I would make it very clear that swearing/ door slamming is unacceptable.

And let her get herself up. She can’t do it because she knows that you will step in, and that her Dad will have laid out her stuff like a toddler.

So you can say that you won’t demand chattiness or much in the morning, but she is now responsible for herself.

I would also ask her to think about things from your point of view. How would she like if if she had to wake early, try to get someone up who refused to speak to them and swore at them? How does she think that makes you feel?

i don’t think children should feel responsible for anyone else’s feelings, but they have to be helped to realise that their actions affect other people.

if they don’t they can get a nasty shock when treating people carelessly means that they are not liked/ treated badly themselves.

Templeblossom · 22/04/2022 07:30

Would she storm about and swear if you werent there?
Back off
New rules
She gets herself up, you stay out of the way.
No lifts, no swearing
She gets up at 6am to leave at 6.35 and you are in her way , wittering on?
Some people struggle with mornings, shes one of them.
Op you sound like you lack self awareness.
You are provoking her instead of leaving her to it and then punishing her .
Awful

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/04/2022 07:31

I would be grumpy too if I was a teenager and had to leave the house at half past six in the morning 😳

I agree with PP - pick your battles. Loads of people don't want to talk in the mornings - it's not personal so stop taking it that way. I'm in my thirties and when DH says good morning before I've had my coffee, a grunt is still all he'll get in response 😬

The more you push it, the more of a battle it will become and believe me, it won't be one you're going to win.

stuntbubbles · 22/04/2022 07:31

Could you switch devices? My friend’s teens are barred from phones and tablets at night but they are allowed an ancient iPod and headphones to listen to stuff - music, podcasts, whatever - so they don’t feel totally deprived (lol). Invariably they end up going to sleep much earlier than they otherwise would, because they’re not sitting in bed scrolling, they’re lying down listening. Everyone wins.

It does sound horrendously early for a teen to get up and smartly out the door. But I would 100% let go of wanting or expecting a “good morning” or any interaction whatsoever. I wouldn’t want that as an adult if I needed to get up early and out quickly. It’s her home and she has a right to just be.

switch the battle to devices and sleep, buy her one of those fire alarm-decibel alarms that scamper around the room hiding so you have to get up to deal with them, and let her deal with the consequences of lateness/missing the bus/etc.

thesearetherichesofthepoor · 22/04/2022 07:31

How old is your DD? Apologies if I've missed that.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 22/04/2022 07:34

She has to leave at 6.30?! My teen wouldn’t cope with that at all.

Saying that I’d be refusing to wake her up for sure. It’s up to her to get organised / out for school. I’ve seen parents in this cajoling role up until late teens, does no one any favours imo . That way you can step back and limit morning interactions

LizzieSiddal · 22/04/2022 07:41

He does the wake ups too because I refuse to do it as it's so unpleasant

Just leave your H to it! Him wanting to help his Dd in the morning has got nothing to do with you, let them get on with it.

Ive got two Dds through tennagehood and out the other side. You see so fixated on this “polite to me in the morning” thing. What is she like at school, does she have friends? Is she happy generally?
you really need to learn to pick your battles, and I’d bet you a lot of money if you lay off this insistence on her saying “good morning” to you around 6 am each morning, she will be a lot more pleasant to you!

soupmaker · 22/04/2022 07:41

You're right OP. It's not going to be easy to reinstate rules around device use late into the evening. But it'll be worth it. Our DD1 is up at 7am, so much later than yours, hence why her bedtime is 10.30pm on weekdays.

If you're going to reset the boundaries for your DD make sure your DH is with you on it!

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 22/04/2022 07:41

First teenager OP?

Copasetic · 22/04/2022 07:46

Just don’t say good morning and have a nice day and problems solved. Stick to the bare minimum and then if she was actively rude I’d agree with you.

PurpleParrotfish · 22/04/2022 07:51

Ok, so pick your battles, could you offer a deal if she manages to hand over devices at 10.15 for a week then she gets some kind of reward. And I might include getting all her own stuff ready the night before to avoid last minute crises.
End goal - to avoid stress and meltdowns on all sides in the morning. If you achieve that and she wants to get out of the door without speaking in the morning I would say that’s 100% fair. 6.30 is early!

SmallPrawnEnergy · 22/04/2022 07:54

Aibu has descended a bit into the ridiculous which is a shame
It used to be really useful but now it's just becoming silly
You know full well you could have posted in the relationships or teenagers board and gotten good advice, yet you chose to post in aibu, not known for constructive advice but frothing black and white responses. Yet it hasn’t gone the way you want so you’re complaining

More worried about her reaction about device removal than I am about addressing morning behaviour!
yet you chose to post about a good morning rather than the thing you’re apparently most worried about?

@MrsTerryPratchett has a LOT of sensible advice as others yet any suggestions that goes against you is refuted. One wonders why you even started this thread

Original poster
Sawadeekaka · 22/04/2022 07:57

apricotlane · 22/04/2022 07:25

Try something different. Forced politeness is not fun. I would say to my daughter 'Morning lovey, how did you sleep?' It's a direct question.

I think if she is trying to press your buttons you should have a chat as it is rude - I do think she should be encouraged to respond in some way but I don't think specifically think the phrase 'good morning' is that important.

That would be even worse!!! A direct question that requires her to formulate an answer!

OP posts:
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