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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

225 replies

erinsmith · 09/12/2020 14:33

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
severussnaperus · 09/12/2020 14:35

You've taken away your daughter's phone? At 17?

You're speechless that she's interested in the opposite sex?

Have a chat regarding safe sex, return the phone and have a word with yourself

helloxhristmas · 09/12/2020 14:36

I think you need to accept she's 17.

Hairyfairy01 · 09/12/2020 14:37

I would be annoyed by the lying and having sex in my bed and those issues need to be addressed. I think she's too old to have her phone etc taken away, she could be in uni in sept. I think you need to discuss it as adults.

GlennRheeismyfavourite · 09/12/2020 14:38

It's pretty gross they used your bed so I'd be having words about that - ie respecting your space also about whether this is a relationship or just a one night thing but other than that I'd give the phone back and talk to her! She is 17!

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 09/12/2020 14:38

Um.... is this a joke? She’s 17, not 12. You need to respect her choices and work on creating an environment where she doesn’t need to lie to you or hide things.

NewIdeasToday · 09/12/2020 14:40

She’s 17. This is entirely natural and understandable behaviour.

What I’d be worried about as a parent is that she didn’t feel able to talk to me about this in advance and agree a sensible approach. I’d give her phone back and try to have some grown up discussions about how to judge who you can trust, how to be safe etc. And keep communications as open and non judgemental as possible.

Parkandride · 09/12/2020 14:40

Best bit about your parents going away surely.

Using your bed is grim though. And she's rubbish at covering her tracks. I'd focus on making sure she's OK, imagine its not like a long term school boyfriend if she just met him on tinder.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/12/2020 14:40

I agree with PP. Accept that at 17 your daughter is going to have boyfriends and sex, give her the knowledge to do this safely and show her she can trust you.

Turn on the wifi and give her back her phone.

todayIdrankmilk · 09/12/2020 14:41

She's legal age op. Not much you can do besides telling her to stop usingYour house as a knocking shop or to move out and be independent in her own life.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2020 14:41

You left your 17 alone overnight. Count yourself lucky she didn't have a party!

I assume they used contraception.

mumonthehill · 09/12/2020 14:41

I will admit it is a shame that she did not feel able to tell you about him before. I think it’s a bit disrespectful to use your room, and I would certainly have a chat about that and around safe sex. But she is 17 so old enough to make her own choices and I would be pleased that she was responsible and safe in her own home. She should not be made to feel bad about this situation.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 09/12/2020 14:41

I left home a week past 17...
Ott op.
Ott.

PatriciaPerch · 09/12/2020 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jojojo32 · 09/12/2020 14:43

She's 17, she sounds quite sensible for waiting and not being in a park or random places etc I would be more bothered about her being in my bed, that I find weird.
I would talk to her ask how she feels and give her phone back, sex is natural.

Ohalrightthen · 09/12/2020 14:43

Not good that she was drinking and had sex in your bed. Not good that she invited a boy she'd never met into your home.

Very reasonable that she had sex. Very reasonable that she waited til you were out to do it.

If i were you, I'd address the fact that she felt she couldn't tell you what she was up to, and the fact that she seems to be bolstering her self esteem by fucking randoms. She needs good contraception and better support from either you, or a therapist.

PatchworkElmer · 09/12/2020 14:44

I’d be really cross about them having sex in my bed, but I think I’d not make a huge deal about the rest. Have a chat about staying safe with Tinder dates etc. I think you need to treat her as an adult here, not a naughty child.

Screwcorona · 09/12/2020 14:44

Jesus I was renting a flat with my boyfriend at 16. What an overreaction. Annoyed about being in your room is ok, but you cant essentially ground a 17yr old over sex

PatriciaPerch · 09/12/2020 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RudbeckiaGoldstrum · 09/12/2020 14:45

My oldest is 17, so sympathies OP.

The letting go is so hard, but really, they are making their own choices now and lots of them are going to be dumb.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/12/2020 14:45

I agree with PP’s, I’d focus on her safety and the risks of inviting someone over whom she’d just met on Tinder.😯. That’s the real issue, it was extremely dangerous.

Plus having sex in your bed is grim.

I’d have a talk with her about safety and meeting someone new in public places until you’ve got to know them well. You can’t prevent her from having a bf or having sex though, it’s legal and she’s nearly an adult.

LaceyBetty · 09/12/2020 14:45

Wow. She's 17. Pretty grim that she did it in your bed, but still. Have a discussion about that but you're treating her like a much younger teen.

billybagpuss · 09/12/2020 14:45

If she’s in her final year she’s nearly 18. Honestly you have no input in who she spends time with/sleeps with. However you do need to tackle the lack of respect. Sleeping in your bed and having someone in your home is what you need to tackle.

Keep the lines of communication open, any conversation needs to be non judgemental and helpful.

You need to decide your rules beforehand. Personally I always let them be together in their rooms but certainly not mine.

Phone and internet probably won’t help much as you need to get your head around the fact that you are now dealing with an adult and she’s not your little girl anymore. Having said that, she’s still got a lot of growing up to do.

Brokenchair1 · 09/12/2020 14:47

My biggest concern would be ensuring she was safe eg how many times had she met him, did they use condoms, did she consent etc. Apart from that as Pp say she's 17 and could be living on her own next year so better have an good relationship where she feels she can come to you.

That said, i think having sex in your bed was a step too far but she's still young. We've all done stuff without thinking it through.

AlternativePerspective · 09/12/2020 14:47

There are two issues here.

The first is that she’s seventeen and having relationships and sex is part and parcel of growing up.

I wouldn’t necessarily be asking questions of yourself as to why she didn’t tell you, a lot of posters on here will tell you that their parents didn’t know everything they were up to when they were teens.

But her having a boy over to sleep in your bed is a betrayal of trust and I would most definitely be addressing that.

At seventeen you should be able to trust her if you went away, and I would have the conversation along the lines of that if you can’t trust her to not invite boys into your bed then you will no longer consider it ok to leave her alone overnight and will make alternative arrangements in future.

Having a boy over to stay is something which should IMO be agreed in advance. And your bed is off limits, make that clear in no uncertain terms.

But have the conversation about safe sex if you haven’t done already.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 09/12/2020 14:48

I mean, the sex in your bed thing would be Not OK. But 17 year old meets boy, invites him over when the folks are away and proceeds to sleep with him?

Totally normal & to be expected.

Calm yourself and make sure she’s on top of the safe sex / consent issue.

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