17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

[erinsmith]

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

@SleepingStandingUp

Oh did I miss the bit in the op that it was covered in sex fluids? If I did I apologise and yes that is gross. Well it didn't sound like she's changed the bedsheets and if teenagers changed bedsheets after having sex in their parents bed, I think far more parents would be aware 😂😂. That's the bit that grosses me out, not the physical structure of the bed but the bedsheets.

But surely the op would have noticed a bed covered in sex juice? If the dd used a condom, as I hope she would, there wouldn’t really be any would there?

One of my boyfriends brothers (when I was a teen) had anal sex in their parents bed and left a big mess. that was really really really gross.

Sex in your bed is a bit grim, but other than that, it's norman teen behaviour. A chat about safe sex and precautions to take when talking to someone online is the only thing you need to do when you return her phone.

At least she had sex in her own home. It could have been a much worse location.

I used to go and stay at my mums to watch the animals when she went on holiday at 17. I took my then boyfriend, who I lived with at the time, with me. We definitely had sex in her bed. It wasn't gross. There wasn't another bed in the house. We also had sex on her stairs, living room floor (several times) and even did it in the kitchen once.

I have a few friends in long-term relationships from Tinder. My brother met his fiancé on Tinder!

Obviously some people use it for hookups, but that's not really all it's used for. And OP's daughter has apparently been dating this guy IRL since September, so it's not like he's a total stranger by now.

The shagging in my bed is what I would be absolutely pissed off about!

My brother did it in my parents bedroom as a teenager. Only once. His room was a tip so decided my parents’ bed would be more suitable

It took my mother literally 5 seconds to suss out someone had been in their bed as the duvet was upside down and the pillows were in the wrong order.

Thanks OP I had forgotten about that incident and now I can add it to my ‘you must never ever do this’ list to the DCs as they approach adolescence.

It's too late for the sex talk. I understand you're from a different culture but did you expect her to wait till marriage? You're massively overreacting.

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@MrsKoala

Having sec whilst your children are in the bed/the room is child abuse.

Obviously when they are babies it isnt, but as they grow up and reach toddler hood you cannot do that. You need to sort out your room and their room and keep that differentiation. You have sex in your room when your children are not there.[/quote]
Tbf that's categorically NOT what she said. She said there were several beds and people slept on whatever. That's entirely different to suggesting she's abusing her children by performing sex acts in front of them

One of my boyfriends brothers (when I was a teen) had anal sex in their parents bed and left a big mess. shock that was really really really gross.
Ewwww

Re mess, depends on how much attention she paid when she slipped under the duvet, colour of sheets, all kind of things. At the v least it's had sweaty teen bum all over it. Eugh. At the least I'd expect them to change the sheets

I did exactly this at 17 but it was my long term boyfriend who came to stay. Not much changes, does it?

This is what 17yo's do when parents go away for the weekend. If you don't like it, then don't leave them alone.

But having sex in your parents bed is just weird!

Ah this thread is MN GOLD!

@MrsKoala well done for not punching people but I’ll never forgive you for ‘sex juice’

The way this has gone from ‘my 17 yr old is shagging’ to ‘YOU’RE HAVING SEX NEXT TO YOUR BABY ’ is both brilliant and fucking tragic.

I also did this but quite a few years younger than 17!. I think the sleeping in mum and dad's bed thing is generally because having sex is a grown up thing to do and parents rooms are more grown up than teen rooms. Decor-wise I mean.
I'd not have taken her phone away.

Oh also parents beds are usually bigger than teens beds.
It's all coming back to me now I deffo had sex a few times in my parents bed.
Once, my mum asked why I'd washed her bedsheets!
I didn't tell her it was because id been shaggjng in it or that my friend came down and spewed on the sheets too lol
Nope, I told her I just thought it was a nice thing to do and thought she'd like coming home to fresh sheets
😇

You should be happy she is happy and socialising.
Yes she did wrong using your bed.
If she had asked would you have allow.
My dd 17 asked last night could she stay in a hotel with her boyfriend they are not together long and I said yes if the hotel let's you in that is ok with me. If I had said no they would sneak about anyway so it's better to be open

Your daughter hasnt done anything wrong . Give her the phone etc back.

This reminds me when I worked as a nanny the parents went away with the baby. Step child had their lover over and slept in the parents bed. Hair was found. Cheeky sod blamed me .

@erinsmith I feel for you as this has been a character assignation and full on criticism of your parenting. My dd is also seventeen and I expect will be having a physical relationship soon with her boyfriend. It is hard to parent teenagers at times. Most of us just want to protect them from pain and parent the way we think is best.

Talk to her. I think most agree she was completely wrong to use your bed but priority should be, was it consensual, did they use condoms and is she emotionally okay.

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

Ah this thread is MN GOLD!

@MrsKoala well done for not punching people but I’ll never forgive you for ‘sex juice’

The way this has gone from ‘my 17 yr old is shagging’ to ‘YOU’RE HAVING SEX NEXT TO YOUR BABY ’ is both brilliant and fucking tragic.

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen
That was meant to be a commiserating laughing face.

@Frequentflier

I think the cultural differences are going to get in the way of you getting any relatable advice on this thread. You are going to get yelled at for being controlling. I am not British and I understand your reaction. It's very complicated and I think you will get better advice on another board, maybe the intercultural one.

Finally, something that makes sense to me.

There is an intercultural board? Let me make haste.

I think the issue for me would be random bloke in my house, even before they got to the bed.

Yes, 17yo having sex, fine, would be ok with that but in the dd's room, not mine.

But I have a house rule that if I'm away my teenagers can't have sleepover guests unless I know exactly who we're talking about - I'd take a pretty dim view of inviting anyone to stay without a specific agreement in place that 'yes, it's fine for Jack to stay over'.

No parties & no strangers (to me) mooching about the place in my absence.

Obviously, I expect that rule will quite possibly get broken at some stage behind my back, but the dc do know that it would be unacceptable to me & I'd be less inclined to trust them in future.

I'm very easygoing about guests - we aren't quite at the teenage shagging stage, 16yo eldest is more likely to want mates over for a couple of beers & an Xbox marathon - but I like to know who is on the invite list,

When I was aged 17 I had a 20 year old boyfriend who I then married and 22 years later we are very happily still together with 2 children. I think at her age you need to treat her like an adult, of course she is going to be interested in having relationships and of course she isn't going to tell you all about it. The only issue I can see with all of this is the sex in your bed, that's pretty disrespectful but meeting the boy in town and having him over for a few beers whilst you're away? I don't see the harm. She's obviously old enough to be left alone for 2 nights so what did you expect? I'd be relieved she didn't have a party and trash the place! Talk about contraception and give the poor girl her phone back!

The oy thing i would be annoyed about there is the fact they had sex in my bed, when I'm assuming she has her own bed. She's not 12 ffs!

@CorvusPurpureus

I think the issue for me would be random bloke in my house, even before they got to the bed.

Yes, 17yo having sex, fine, would be ok with that but in the dd's room, not mine.

But I have a house rule that if I'm away my teenagers can't have sleepover guests unless I know exactly who we're talking about - I'd take a pretty dim view of inviting anyone to stay without a specific agreement in place that 'yes, it's fine for Jack to stay over'.

No parties & no strangers (to me) mooching about the place in my absence.

Obviously, I expect that rule will quite possibly get broken at some stage behind my back, but the dc do know that it would be unacceptable to me & I'd be less inclined to trust them in future.

I'm very easygoing about guests - we aren't quite at the teenage shagging stage, 16yo eldest is more likely to want mates over for a couple of beers & an Xbox marathon - but I like to know who is on the invite list,

I think this is a great approach.

It embodies that guests are people we know and trust, who are welcomed, and in turn, because we know and trust them, behave with respect.

It also has the safety considerations built in: no strangers, and no secrets.

@unmarkedbythat

Having sex doesn’t mean you disrespect yourself. Accusing people who enjoy sex of having no self respect is assumptive and judgemental.

Having sex doesn’t mean you disrespect yourself. Accusing people who enjoy sex of having no self respect is assumptive and judgemental.

Of course but we all know instances, sometimes involving insecure teenage girls/young women where it can mean this, ie, they are not yet at the point where they value themselves enough to put boundaries in place and say "no" or stand up to men when they are not comfortable in a specific situation.