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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

225 replies

erinsmith · 09/12/2020 14:33

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Frequentflier · 09/12/2020 17:09

I haven't seen anything to suggest the OP is treating her daughter " as a commodity" or marrying her off before 18. Am leaving this thread now as have said what I wanted to say to the OP anyway. Who has probably left.

Smythering · 09/12/2020 17:09

Having sex in your kids beds is reaaaaallllly weird.

Smythering · 09/12/2020 17:10

Op, you’ve over reacted. You’ve realised, now hold out an olive branch; I believe this may be the making of a stronger, more understanding relationship between you both.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/12/2020 17:13

You haven't taught her anything about sex, boundaries, what's normal or acceptable, and you magically expect her to know and abide by the rules in your head?

The poor girl is learning about this and navigating her way through, by herself. Of course she is going to fuck up sometimes, you have left her to learn alone.

She is being a normal teenager with very closed minded parents.

You need to work on your attitudes, not hers.

Lilswan21 · 09/12/2020 17:13

I would sit her down and tell her you were wrong, I think these days 17 is a damn good age to be starting with boys, myself and my partner have been together since we were 14 and now have our own house and a gorgeous little girl, try to accept that she’s growing up. As long as they’re using protection that’s all that matters

DumplingsAndStew · 09/12/2020 17:14

@Frequentflier

I haven't seen anything to suggest the OP is treating her daughter " as a commodity" or marrying her off before 18. Am leaving this thread now as have said what I wanted to say to the OP anyway. Who has probably left.
Yes there's probably dozens of other threads this evening for you to pretend to read, then make up the content of 👍
DumplingsAndStew · 09/12/2020 17:16

MrsKoala, I hope you never have reason to find yourselves on the radar of social services for self guarding concerns. Having sex in your children's bed because you think they are too young to understand would be a huge red flag to them.

LaceyBetty · 09/12/2020 17:17

I agree with other posters who have said sex amongst 17 year olds may not be as common as it's made out to be but, I don't think punishing a 17 year old for having sex with someone about the same age, that she's know for at least a few months and in a safe place is a good idea. Although a talk about respecting your bed would absolutely be in order.

GameSetMatch · 09/12/2020 17:18

Nothing, you do nothing she’s 17 and had sex. Taking away her phone and internet access is awful she’s practically an adult. I would expect her to have a small party or a guy around whilst your away. I think the only thing she’s done wrong is have sex in your bed, but a quick conversation about how you do t want her in your room and make her wash and change the sheets would suffice in this situation.

Happygogoat · 09/12/2020 17:19

Using your room is not on and you need to talk to her about boundaries but otherwise a 17 year old having sex should not make anyone speechless.....

I had a boyfriend at this age who my parents encouraged me to have over when they were away so I wasn't alone!

Have a chat about safe sex and stop treating her like an 11 year old, maybe she won't lie in future.

MrsKoala · 09/12/2020 17:20

@Smythering

Having sex in your kids beds is reaaaaallllly weird.
Well dd’s bed is inherited from her grandparents so they probably had sex in it at some point too!

And the idea that SS would care that we had sex in a king size bed (I’m not talking about a toddler unicorn theme here) which happened to be in the room which we were sleeping in but which was allocated to a 1 year old is a joke. What about when guests stay and you give them a child’s room for the duration? How is it any different?

FPS123 · 09/12/2020 17:21

I think 17 is the average age to have sex for the first time in the UK. Some will be older, some will be younger.

I don’t think OP’s daughter is sleeping with strangers. From my reading of the OP her daughter has been seeing this lad since September.

coffeelover3 · 09/12/2020 17:22

OP I have a 17 year old daughter but she would never do this - she trusts me, and I her, so she tells me what she's doing. She had a boy over today :) I really don't think you should punish her, but talk to her, or rather listen. I'd be worried she feels isolated without girlfriends to confide in. Who is the guy. Be her friend please, she's just had sex, for the first time? She's probably longing to have someone to talk to, and you're just making her feel ashamed. Be wary of pushing her away. She's nearly an adult.

Mintjulia · 09/12/2020 17:25

Op, I can see how, if this isn't your culture then it may be a shock.

Before you give your daughter a sex talk, be aware that in the U.K., the national curriculum covers sex in increasing detail from the age of 8. So your daughter is fully aware of the How/why. She may need help with accessing contraception, having the confidence to say no to anything she is uncomfortable with or generally being a bit streetwise. That is probably where she will need some support. Check she used a condom, encourage her to talk if she wants to and you will have a much better relationship in the long run. Good luck Brew

nicknamehelp · 09/12/2020 17:27

What I find odd is that at 17 she didn't feel she could say she had a bf and had to sneak him in. Even if you don't meet him you need to make sure she is using protection and make it clear its not the done thing to use parents room why did she? Does hers need a make over to make it more grown up to reflect her age?
But left alone even for an afternoon this is what 17 year old do.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 17:29

@MrsKoala

Having sec whilst your children are in the bed/the room is child abuse.

Obviously when they are babies it isnt, but as they grow up and reach toddler hood you cannot do that. You need to sort out your room and their room and keep that differentiation. You have sex in your room when your children are not there.

MrsKoala · 09/12/2020 17:32

Having sec whilst your children are in the bed/the room is child abuse.

ERRR NO NO NO. I have never ever had sex with my children in the room even as babies. We rarely had sex at all but if they were all asleep in our room we would go into another bedroom- which happened to be theirs. Not that they ever fucking sleep in there! But it’s there for when they are ready.

NiceTwin · 09/12/2020 17:33

I would ask her not to use your bed in future but I think you need to lighten up.
If sex is the worst thing she's doing, count yourself lucky!

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2020 17:34

Oh did I miss the bit in the op that it was covered in sex fluids? If I did I apologise and yes that is gross.
Well it didn't sound like she's changed the bedsheets and if teenagers changed bedsheets after having sex in their parents bed, I think far more parents would be aware 😂😂. That's the bit that grosses me out, not the physical structure of the bed but the bedsheets.

CorianderQueen · 09/12/2020 17:35

@BailarLaBamba

She's 17... doesn't everyone do this at 17? Right of passage

Which part? Having sex in your parents bed? No, I never did that! Gross!

I had a tiny single bed until I was 18. So yes, I did it in other beds. It's just a bed.

But, in this case I meant sneaking boys in for sex.

Mmn654123 · 09/12/2020 17:35

MrsKoala - my interpretation is that you sometimes leave the bed you are asleep in with the kids, and have sex in another vacant bed. Others think you are shagging with the kids asleep (or possibly awake) beside you. Did you know that's what they think you mean?

Mmn654123 · 09/12/2020 17:36

@MrsKoala

Having sec whilst your children are in the bed/the room is child abuse.

ERRR NO NO NO. I have never ever had sex with my children in the room even as babies. We rarely had sex at all but if they were all asleep in our room we would go into another bedroom- which happened to be theirs. Not that they ever fucking sleep in there! But it’s there for when they are ready.

Cross posted!! Thanks for clarifying..... ;-)
Fruitsaladjelly · 09/12/2020 17:37

I had sex in my parents bed at her age....it fills me with horror now and I’d hit the roof if my teen did the same but it not really shocking I’m afraid. I’d be more concerned about the Tinder bit, that app is notorious and I’d be worried who she was hooking up with and about her getting used and hurt

Outbutnotproud · 09/12/2020 17:39

some = most?!
She's 17! At 18 he is the same as her regarding legally having sex! Give the poor lass(almost an adult!) Her fecking phone back and get over yourself. She shouldn't have done it in your bed. Shes lying for a reason here quite possibly predicting your over zealous ways. If you want a relationship with her stop being so odd. You cant blame your own childhood for it!

CorianderQueen · 09/12/2020 17:40

Also not having sex until marriage in the UK is extremely rare OP. The average age to lose virginity is 18. Many many girls have sex before this. Perfectly normal and no reflection on her self respect or worth.

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