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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

225 replies

erinsmith · 09/12/2020 14:33

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Enko · 09/12/2020 15:49

Phone back Internet back

BIG conversation about boundaries (your bed is YOUR space)

BIG conversation about how you all can trust each other better.

Legseleven1990 · 09/12/2020 15:50

Seems like a sure fire way of getting her to move out as soon as she turns 18...

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 09/12/2020 15:50

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

She has known him since September.

Yes it is legal for her to drink alcohol in her own home. If in the UK (but the OP says Euros so...) it is not legal for her to buy alcohol, but she say the boy brought it, and he is 18.

I have gathered that teens use tinder to meet people as boy or girlfriend, not just for sex hook ups.

But OP, you need to make sure that he is 18 and not older and potentially predatory, that she feels confident on the relationship - chat to her about what she likes about him / the relationship.

Also talk to her, helpfully and constructively, not berating - about alcohol use. How it blurs your decision making, loosens inhibitions, and takes a while to act so you can end up drunker than you expected.

It was gross to use your bed. Tell her that is bad manners.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/12/2020 15:51

I read the OP differently, hence I said that them meeting alone was dangerous. I thought she’d been hanging out with other friends since September, but had only recently connected with this boy on Tinder, I.e. last weekend was the first time they’d actually met in person??

If they’ve been meeting in person for three months, that’s not so dangerous.

ravenmum · 09/12/2020 15:51

I would honestly assume she either shares a room, or does not have a decent bed...

AfterSchoolWorry · 09/12/2020 15:51

🤣🤣

noonethereyetialwaysam · 09/12/2020 15:51

Things u do

  1. meet the lad get to know him ,they been dating 3 months that's a lot to teenagers
  2. talk safe sex
3.buy her double bed so she don't use urs again

Things you don't do
Treat her like a child unless u never want her to confide in u again

katy1213 · 09/12/2020 15:53

Have you considered that the reason girls at school think she's weird is that you're treating her as a 12-year-old? Internet privileges and phone bans? At her age, I was living away from home - drinking and having and sex and making mistakes that are part of growing-up.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/12/2020 15:54

We bought my DD (15) a new bed this year....I figured it may as well be a double as therer’ll be someone else in it with her at some point and I’m not buying another new bed in a couple of years.😂

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 09/12/2020 15:55

It worries me that she felt she could not tell you she was seeing someone and wanting to have sex. This stuff should really be out in the open. Taking her phone and Internet away is inappropriate - you're treating her as if she's 12. Perhaps her unwillingness to talk to you about these things and your way of imposing sanctions are linked. Time for some change on both sides, I think. Your relationship with her needs work, as does hers with you.

Allington · 09/12/2020 15:55

I'd be worried about her lack of friends, which makes her vulnerable in all sorts of ways including looking for approval through sex.

I would say 17 is young for meeting up through Tinder - if it was a young man she met through education/similar interests I wouldn't be bothered as it would be more likely to have developed naturally. Tinder suggests seeing sex as a way of making friends.

Punishing her is not the way forward, though, I would be trying to find out how she is feeling about herself and her life, and possibly be trying to line up some counselling. She sounds lonely.

Greysparkles · 09/12/2020 15:55

We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do

I suppose you could get a good old fashioned chastity belt

RayOfSunshine2013 · 09/12/2020 15:55

Not surprised she lies to you if you take her phone off her for having a boy round at 17. Isn’t she a bit old for having her phone taken away? Can’t you have the conversation about contraception or something if it makes you feel better, rather than treating her like a 12 year old?

Bit weird shagging in mums bed though, thats not cool Confused

sunsalutations · 09/12/2020 15:56

I left home at 17 too. You need to adjust to the fact she is a grown up now

Standrewsschool · 09/12/2020 15:56

What jumps out at me from your post was that she invited a stranger she met on the Internet back to your house. That’s the biggest issue here.

Isabella70 · 09/12/2020 15:57

Can I ask the OP at what age she or her husband first had sex?

I googled this (on someone else's computer of course) and the average age according to the NHS is 16-17.

Lsquiggles · 09/12/2020 15:57

I don't want to offend OP but do you remember being 17? The only thing I find inappropriate is her having sex in your bed. Punishing her when she is basically an adult will only encourage her to lie in the future and have sex with boys elsewhere, places likely less safe than your home

ikltownofboothlehem · 09/12/2020 15:58

One post only - never been back. Hmmmmm.

unmarkedbythat · 09/12/2020 15:58

Using your bed is a bit grim but otherwise... she is 17, over the age of consent and allowed to have relationships. Give her phone back and approach this as parents of an almost adult who want a mutually trusting and respectful relationship; the path you're taking makes no one safer or happier.

Plsv87 · 09/12/2020 15:59

Haven't read the full thread but your daughter has done nothing wrong. She met a boy, has been seeing him and they had legal and consentual sex. I can see from your reaction why she lied to you tbh.

LindaEllen · 09/12/2020 16:00

If she's old enough to be left on her own for a weekend, she's old enough to have sex.

RayOfSunshine2013 · 09/12/2020 16:01

Also, you're possibly the reason other kids “find her weird”

Being treated like a kid just means they lie more, and do what they want anyway.

I’d much rather mine tell me what they're doing and where they are than have to hide things and end up in a sticky situation they feel they can’t tell me about for fear of being shouted at or having their toys taken away.

Elfieishere · 09/12/2020 16:02

She hasn’t done anything wrong in the sense of having sex but using your bed is fucking grim.

What was wrong with her own room? I’d be more fucked off she used my bed then her own!

Lovemusic33 · 09/12/2020 16:03

I don’t think taking her phone and internet is expectable, she’s 17. The only thing she did wrong was to use your bedroom. The rest is pretty normal 17 year old behaviour. If she’s looking at going to uni next year then she’s likely to get up to a lot more and you won’t be there to stop her?

I would be angry about her using my bed to have sex (and not thinking to tidy up afterwards) but I think she’s a bit too old to be punished by removing her phone.

lazylump72 · 09/12/2020 16:04

She isnt daft your girl is she OP? She leaves traces and clues to try and open up a conversation with you and tells you honestly what shes been doing so she doesnt have to sneak around and lie anymore.Makes me wonder what kind of relationship you both have when she feels the need to go to extreme lengths in order to have a conversation about relationships and sex with you....
Let it go give her her phone and dont be daft. Set an exaample although you are cross she didnt trust you enough to be open and honest use it as a starting block to reassess your relationship with you as mum and her as a young woman.Mind you if she used my room I would be telling her never again that was rude.Keep her phone and treat her like a child you will loose her...Lead by example and show her the right way.

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