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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

225 replies

erinsmith · 09/12/2020 14:33

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 09/12/2020 15:27

I agree with others, massive and possibly harmful over reaction.

wildraisins · 09/12/2020 15:28

This is completely normal teenage behaviour.

Anyoldname12 · 09/12/2020 15:30

Is op in the U.K.? Trash isn’t a word that would be used a lot here, and lots of states legal age of consent is 18 so perhaps this is more akin to finding your 15 year old has been sexually active?

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 09/12/2020 15:31

I know I am the fly in the ointment but I don't know about this.

There don't seem to be any recent stats so it might have changed dramatically but the last figures show that it was just over a third that had had sex by 17 and that just over 50% regretted having sex so young. Just because it's legal doesn't make it right. Indeed, itI wasn't as if this is someone she had known for a while. It was someone she met on tinder which, through the minimum of research specifies that an 18 year old should not be able to search for 17 year olds. So that raises questions in itself....

Plus, whether or not she is legally allowed to have sex, she was not legally allowed to have alchohol so I can totally understand why the OP isn't happy TBH.

Haffiana · 09/12/2020 15:34

I am really baffled to the point of disbelief that a 17 year old is using Tinder.

Has she been stopped from meeting boys and having boys as friends, OP? Would any real parent be so stupid?

Or is this thread a wrong'un altogether?

ApolloandDaphne · 09/12/2020 15:34

I would be cross about using your bed. However it sounds very much like you are infantilising her and not allowing her to act like a fairly normal 17yo so she is hiding her behaviour from you. Give her back her phone and sit down and actually talk to her.

chocaholic73 · 09/12/2020 15:35

Other than showing disrespect at using your bed, your daughter is behaving normally. I'm in my sixties and this sort of thing was happening when I was her age and younger. She does sound vulnerable so you are right to have concerns there but reading the riot act certainly isn't the way to go.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 15:35

The only thing to be angry at here is that she had sex in your bed. That's really not OK and very strange behaviour on her part. There needs to be a talk about respect and boundaries.... but that goes both way because to obviously need a talk about boundaries and respect too.

At 17, if she was too afraid to tell you she had met a boy then you've gone wrong somewhere. Given your reaction to her having sex, I'm not surprised she never told you. She isnt doing anything wrong. Sex isnt dirty or wrong. She should have felt confident enough to tell you about her boyfriend. She didnt. Ask yourself why.

EmmaMY · 09/12/2020 15:36

Give her back her phone and let her shag the boy, but talk to her about protection and STIs and trusting people online etc... you can’t lock her in now at almost 18 years old!

Dullardmullard · 09/12/2020 15:37

Christ on a bike you took a 17 years old phone away for having sex with a lad she’s known since September.

You’d better hope she doesn’t get pregnant then as she’ll hide it from you as she’ll be unable to talk to you at all.

Time to have a wee talk to yourself and then the talk with your Lass

nimbuscloud · 09/12/2020 15:38

We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

Give them back to her. Hope that they used condoms.

ErickBroch · 09/12/2020 15:39

'Internet privileges' - she's 17! As PP have said, in your bed is grim but she sounds repressed. You say people find her weird and she struggles to make friends, seems like she felt a dating app was the only way for her to meet others if she struggles socially. Your response makes it clear she is treated significantly younger than 17.

TrialOfStyle · 09/12/2020 15:40

Plus, whether or not she is legally allowed to have sex, she was not legally allowed to have alchohol so I can totally understand why the OP isn't happy TBH.

Well if she's in the UK, she can drink alcohol at home at 17.

Honestly, I really hope you will apologise for your overreaction OP, give her back and explain the real concerns here (not respecting your boundaries in your bed, concerns about meeting people online, etc). Punishing her just means she'll never open up again.

MrsGulDukat · 09/12/2020 15:40

She's 17 for god sake.

Only things you need to do is:

Talk to her about the dangers of inviting randoms home when she's vulnerable/being vulnerable when drinking.

Talk to her about the disrespect of having sex in your bed.

Talk to her about staying safe if she's having sex.

If you talk to her calmly and rationally, then she can learn how to make smarter decisions and trust you with helping her make them.

Unicant · 09/12/2020 15:40

Nothing. You do nothing. Except perhaps tell her the you are sad she lied to you because she should always feel she can be open with you...make sure that she used protectionand has access to contraception... and also that it was not okay to use your bed because thats a bit grim, how would she like it if you had sex in her bed?
But removing her phone etc is a really bad idea... shes a grown woman... I assume shes only months away from being 18. You need to foster an open trusting relationship with her now before its too late. Acting like shes a young child who you can still punish in this way is not going to achieve that its only going to make her more likely to lie to you about anything important going on in her life.
This shouldnt be about punishment it should be about you having an honest conversation with her.

elenacampana · 09/12/2020 15:41

I think you may be speechless that she grew up and forgot to tell you. She’s been under your wing with you paying for her weekends etc. Her behaviour is normal for 17 and your reaction is a bit much. 18 year olds are living at uni doing whatever they want - she will be that she soon enough.

I was beginning to date just as the internet was becoming a thing. When I look back now, I see how unsafe my behaviour was sometimes. Lots of meeting lads online and being in their houses too soon etc. I’d suggest a conversation about online safety and a gentle warning not to use your bed for her intimate connections again.

She will get into the habit of hiding things from you if you overreact.

houseinthesnow · 09/12/2020 15:41

I too find it slightly uncomfortable that a seventeen year old should be expected to be having sex too, thats not my experience either.

I would hope my dds take their time, be in decent relationship with someone they know well and trust, or better still in a loving relationship so that their first experiences are positive ones - and they are completely ready emotionally and physically. Pref with some discussion about contraceptions etc beforehand.

I don't buy into the sex scene online, and find it all a bit cheap and degrading.

PiccalilliChilli · 09/12/2020 15:42

Make sure they had safe aex and that she understands what safe sex is.

That's it 🤷‍♀️

triceratops12 · 09/12/2020 15:45

You need to apologise to your daughter for over reacting and give her, her phone back.

Pringlemonster · 09/12/2020 15:45

Oh for god sake
How quick do you want her to move out at 18?
Keep this up ,and it will be as soon as you like.

Maybe83 · 09/12/2020 15:46

My dd is 18. She has recently met another 18 year old on tinder and met him for a date after talking for a number of weeks this week.

Your dd didn't just meet him on tinder on Friday and invite him over. She has been getting to know him since September.

I wouldn't be happy if my dd used my bed, she has her own and her own room. So I would find that an invasion of my private space.

I would have told her that she should have told us so that we knew for example if we didn't hear from her from a safety perspective.

At 17 when my parents were away I had some of the best parties. So for me I would be reasonably grateful my house hadn't been thrashed and trampled in by a group of excited teens.

Punishment like that at 17 is ridiculous. She isn't a child and this was an opportunity for you to talk to her and a) reflect on better choices in not using your room b) making sure she was ok with what happened and that everything went ok c) safety and making sure that she knows that she can talk to you.

I think you need to consider your own expectations of having a 17 and maybe reassess starting to transition quickly to a more adult/parent relationship.

Give her back her phone and Internet and don't shame her for the choices she made but talk to her about making better ones. Ie be open and use her own room next time!

Ask her does she want to invite him over and meet him.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 09/12/2020 15:47

Why would you shame her like this!?
Have a word about contraception and personally I would prefer her to have sex with a partner rather than a random so there’s some mutual trust there and the higher potential for a satisfying experience! ... so maybe a chat about that?

littlefireseverywhere · 09/12/2020 15:48

I'm missing the issue, she's found a boyfriend a year older than her. I'd be worrying about why she couldn't tell you and felt that she had to keep the relationship or friendship from you rather than her having one.

jessstan1 · 09/12/2020 15:48

@GlennRheeismyfavourite

It's pretty gross they used your bed so I'd be having words about that - ie respecting your space also about whether this is a relationship or just a one night thing but other than that I'd give the phone back and talk to her! She is 17!
That.
Spittingchestnuts · 09/12/2020 15:49

But consider this. Teenagers who are not good at making friends are vulnerable to people who just want sex but dress it up as an offer of friendship.

^ I agree with this. I don't expect all 17 yrs olds to be having sex though and people shouldn't always believe what they are told or fed by the media. Some are very mature and independent at that age but many are not. It's not seen as "cool" to admit you a virgin in this day and age though so it's often not talked about.

Op I'd be concerned about this from a safety aspect. Your daughter has a limited social life, and she's met someone off the Internet, and has been meeting him every week for three months without mentioning it to you, and then brought him back to your home in your absence. It sounds as though she was "lucky" though inasmuch as she met someone her own age rather than someone older and more predatory, or some sort of fraudster. But her lack of openness is concerning. I think I would work on keeping the lines of communication open between you and perhaps take her out for a long walk with some hot chocolate in a flask when everyone has calmed down a bit.

I'd be concerned about a girl who doesn't have many friends, whether she is confident and can set boundaries and not be pressured in to doing things she doesn't want to do. So I'd talk to her about that. And you are also allowed to say that you don't appreciate being lied to and that using your bed was disrespectful.

It may be that she is mature and intelligent and is already able to negotiate a sexual relationship, but it may be that you feel she is too young yet. You know your daughter best. I don't subscribe to the view often held on Mumsnet that because 17 yrs is above the age of consent it is automatically optimum for an individual teen to be engaging in sexual relationships at that age. But it would be good to be able to discuss this with her in a friendly and open manner and see how she feels about it all. Tell her you love her and reacted the way you did out of concern.

If she feels it was a mistake = discuss, advise, forgive, support.

If she feels she wants to continue seeing this lad = discuss, advise, invite him over for supper, talk some more and try and come to some understanding.

That doesn't mean you are obliged to have him stay over if you don't want to. Equally, she should be allowed to express her opinions and be listened to with respect.