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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

225 replies

erinsmith · 09/12/2020 14:33

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 16:06

You didn't handle this well at all, sadly. Be very angry about using your bed, but the other punishments are ridiculous. Give her her phone and internet back and stop treating her like she's 12.

loobyloo1234 · 09/12/2020 16:06

So she's been seeing this boy since September? And she's 17?

You have totally over-reacted. Apart from using your bed, she's done nothing else wrong

CorianderQueen · 09/12/2020 16:06

She's 17... doesn't everyone do this at 17? Right of passage

Littleideasbigbook · 09/12/2020 16:09

YADBU. The poor girl sounds like she has been wanting to tell you about her perfectly normal and reasonable romantic relationship and this is how you react? I think you need to realise that you are parenting a young adult now, not a child.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 09/12/2020 16:12

The safe sex chat you will have to have with her can be her punishment for using your bed.

Restore her privileges, apologise for treating her like a child and think yourself lucky you weren't my mum when I was 17.

houseinthesnow · 09/12/2020 16:13

I would be relieved she didn't invite 200 randoms over for a party like my niece, and have the windows broken and pee in the bed.

movingonup20 · 09/12/2020 16:14

My dd did exactly this, I lectured her on safe sex and not to be deceitful rather than punishing her. I did what your daughter did when I was 18 ...

BailarLaBamba · 09/12/2020 16:14

She's 17... doesn't everyone do this at 17? Right of passage

Which part? Having sex in your parents bed? No, I never did that! Gross!

ilovebagpuss · 09/12/2020 16:16

Same thoughts as others about punishing her really she’s too old for that. Definitely use it to open up communication about safe sex and what you expect around not using your room and that it was disrespectful.
When you say she is in her last year at secondary I assume you mean sixth form? It makes it sound like you are babying her still saying it is school.
I did exact same thing at 17 and looking back it was disrespectful but my parents never found out and we were aware of safe sex etc. Where else do they go at least it wasn’t at some manky party.

Spongebobsquarefringe · 09/12/2020 16:17

My mum locked me out at 17 and a half I went to lock fire station and slept there!! Because none of my friends would answer their doors.

I’d of been very very annoyed she’d used my bed, I have OCD and this would have made my world blow up!

I’d have a chat with her, weirdos on the net, safe sex, alcohol etc. Also I met people a few times online before all this tinder shite, I’d always tell my friends where I was going, number of person etc so someone knew who I was with etc because I couldn’t talk to my mum.

RozHuntleysStump · 09/12/2020 16:19

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pallisers · 09/12/2020 16:24

I'm highly conservative compared to many on MN but what the hell did you think a 17 year old would do with an empty house for the weekend? I'd nearly be more worried about a 17 year old who ate a healthy meal while watching a box set when her parents were away. Even I think it isn't unreasonable for a 17 year old to be having sex with someone within the same age group.

Have you talked to her about safe sex, contraception, consent, the internet, porn - all those things?

doing it in your bed is a bit yuck but that's the only bit.

Onadifferentuniverse · 09/12/2020 16:24

What on earth has her academic ability or friendships have to do with her having sex at 17?

My goodness.
Please open your eyes before your daughter gosh no contact with you.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2020 16:25

Gosh I can’t believe you stole her phone and removed access to the internet, she’s 17, nearly an adult, she’s allowed a boyfriend.

Do you not ask yourself why she needs to lie to you? And can’t be open?

Yes it’s disrespectful to use your bed. But you’re treating her with equal disrespect, she’s not a small child.

Give her her phone and internet access back immediately ans apologise for your treatment of her, and maybe you’ll get some respect in return.

Because if you don’t op, this ones leaving as soon as she can and she ain’t coming back,

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2020 16:27

@Onadifferentuniverse

What on earth has her academic ability or friendships have to do with her having sex at 17?

My goodness.
Please open your eyes before your daughter gosh no contact with you.

Im assuming op wanted us to know her daughter is a good little girl and not one of THOSE types having sex before marriage
Bluntness100 · 09/12/2020 16:28

New poster or name change op?

I’m struggling to believe anyone would be looking at this situation ans thinking how did I end up in a position where my own child can’t talk to me about her partners, and has to lie ans I punish her like she’s eleven?

Original poster
erinsmith · 09/12/2020 16:28

From reading some posts it seems that some people think I'm overreacting.

Maybe I was a bit out of line to take her smartphone and internet away and I'll give it back to her after a chat but I just felt it was a bit disrespectful to invite a 18yr old boy over.

I actually never got up to much when I was in college. I'm from Tanzania and grew up in quite a conservative household. I didn't drink until I was in college at 20 and didn't have sex till I was married at 26. That was when I was renting an apartment with my husband.

I suppose when I chat to her, I'll giver her a sex talk. Never thought she needed it because she didn't ask and it's not customary in my culture.

OP posts:
CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 09/12/2020 16:31

Unfortunately your reaction may mean that she takes risks outside the house or goes back to their houses instead. It also may mean she won't talk to you about it, accept a safe sex talk or come to you if she finds she's pregnant or has an std or similar if she needs help.

She's of a legal age, removing her phone and punishing her for it is ott. Yes she lied and used your bed but she isn't a child anymore.

HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 09/12/2020 16:31

LOL

Poor DD

HelloBolloxMyOldFriend · 09/12/2020 16:32

Just saw your post above, fair enough the cultural difference. I take back my post. Just talk to her though.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2020 16:33

I think the thing is op, she's not (fully) growing up in your culture. It does explain why you've reacted so strongly perhaps and I'd be apoplectic she'd had sex in my bed and hadn't even changed the sheets uugghh but all you're going to do is make her more secretive and more isolated.

Having sex at 17 isn't that unusual assuming you're in the UK.
Meeting strangers of Tinder is a bad idea but if she knows you wouldn't approve of a boyfriend then she's going to keep keeping secrets.

Of they are in fact seeing each other, invite him over, put in boundaries and do the contraception talk.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/12/2020 16:33

This cannot be real

You've never talked to your dd about sex? Never let her go out with friends at the weekend til this year?

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 16:33

@erinsmith
Tanzania has one of the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in the world.... because sex talks arent common and parents dont ensure teenagers have access to contraception. So, it may not be part of your culture but this is one of those times were the culture needs to be ignored and you should do things your own way.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2020 16:34

I suppose when I chat to her, I'll giver her a sex talk. Never thought she needed it because she didn't ask and it's not customary in my culture.

I hope you really think about what you say before you say it. She doesn't need judgment or your permission, she needs support. She needs to be encouraged to use condoms and get contraception asap.

houseinthesnow · 09/12/2020 16:34

I think you have been given a hard time on here op.

Not everyone is having sex all over the place with randoms on the internet trust me. I grew up with fairly conservative values, and I am very pleased I did and didn't make some of the awful mistakes some of my friends did. To me it comes down to self respect.

Knowing a guy from the internet and meeting up a few times, is not the same as knowing him well and being safe. I would be so worried if my dd was meeting men from Tinder and bringing them home. It could be anyone, and once there alone with him things could have turned out very differently. A safety talk is prob more important than the sex talk