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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

225 replies

erinsmith · 09/12/2020 14:33

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Barkspawn · 09/12/2020 16:50

@houseinthesnow

I think you have been given a hard time on here op.

Not everyone is having sex all over the place with randoms on the internet trust me. I grew up with fairly conservative values, and I am very pleased I did and didn't make some of the awful mistakes some of my friends did. To me it comes down to self respect.

Knowing a guy from the internet and meeting up a few times, is not the same as knowing him well and being safe. I would be so worried if my dd was meeting men from Tinder and bringing them home. It could be anyone, and once there alone with him things could have turned out very differently. A safety talk is prob more important than the sex talk

In my experience people who grow up in households where see is seen as a bad thing and not to be talked about are more likely to go a bit nuts and make mistakes when they get the opportunity.
MrsKoala · 09/12/2020 16:50

@houseinthesnow

I have sex in my bed and my children sleep in it. What’s the difference? I’ve also had sex in the beds in their rooms

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Oh god please tell me that is a wind up. You have sex in your children's beds?!!!!! For the love of god that is messed up.

I said I have had sex in the beds in their rooms. They are not my ‘children’s beds’. We have king size beds in all the bedrooms and we sleep in all of them at various points. We co sleep.
peppita · 09/12/2020 16:50

@SpectralPlot

Reverse/slash/wind-up?

I agree it's a wind up.

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 09/12/2020 16:50

I left home, started uni and moved in with my boyfriend at 17 OP.
You are right to be pissed off that she used your bed.
My massive worry is her meeting random guys on Tinder and having sex with them. I have nothing against casual sex, but it is seeming less and less safe to be alone/intimate with men we barely know these days. Please talk to her about this aspect, in a non-judgmental way - in a purely safety-conscious way.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 16:51

@MrsKoala

Do you not know anything about boundaries and respect for other people's spaces?

The OP's bedroom is for her and her husband. It has all their things in it, including anything of theirs which is private. It is a safe space for them to have whatever they want in their without other people going in. Then her daughter invited a boy the OP has never met to the house were he spent the weekend in the OP's bedroom. It is a gigantic breach of privacy and decency. You dont do that.

If you and your sister were brought up not to care about boundaries then that's your life, but most people accept that there is such a thing as privacy. And it goes the other way too; your children shouldn't have the worry that mum will be having sex in their bed when they'out. It is their safe space.

houseinthesnow · 09/12/2020 16:52

unmarked That is your choice to have sex with lots of random men. I choose not to. Mainly because I prefer a relationship and intimacy and causal sex would make me feel grubby. My choice.

However, I do object to the idea that everyone has endless sex with strangers and it is somehow normal. The idea that we are all entirely comfortable with shagging randoms is wrong. Many, many women could think of nothing worse.

I am not judging anyone for their choices - we can do what we like with our bodies, just for me the idea of having lots of different men inside me, touching me is totally grim. If you are enjoy it, crack on!

TillyTopper · 09/12/2020 16:54

She is 17. Calm down, give her the phone and internet access back and accept she is almost an adult and did nothing wrong.

Using your bed was a bit grim, but maybe she knew you would over-react so didn't tell you. Encourage her to tell you in future, but make sure you take it in your stride, not have a go at her. She was also inside, in your house and not in a park or alley so I think you should be grateful tbh.

DumplingsAndStew · 09/12/2020 16:55

Am not buying the "cultural" differences for not speaking to your own child about sex.

In Tanzania, 3 in 10 girls are married before their 18th birthday (source) Growing up in that environment, you would honestly want to risk your daughter's experience to be a wedding night of utter fear and confusion?

houseinthesnow · 09/12/2020 16:55

. They are not my ‘children’s beds’. We have king size beds in all the bedrooms and we sleep in all of them at various points. We co sleep

So where do your children have that is private to them? With their private things? Where is their space to masturbate and explore their bodies, or do they have to share that with you as well?

Your poor kids. They need their own rooms, beds and space. You are encroaching on every bedroom having sex is a violation of their privacy at best.

FixTheBone · 09/12/2020 16:56

You're angry for the writing reasons imo. Lack of communication, or even trust, OK, deception fair enough, using your bed - absolutely.

But sleeping with a boy, at 17, nothing wrong with that at all if it was consensual and she practised safe sex.

If you tell her you're upset about sleeping with a boy, it sends all kinds of conflicted messages about how your family moral values differ from those of society and her friends / peers.

By all means be upset about the other stuff, but be constructive and supportive, when she gets into relationship difficulties big or small (and she will) you'll want her to feel as though she can come to you before anyone else with them.

Whatnameisgood · 09/12/2020 16:56

I read the bit you said about ‘giving her a sex talk’. It sounds very ‘top down’, like you’re imposing something on her. In my experience 17 year old girls are very sensitive and prone to feeling shame about all the new stuff happening with their bodies etc. She may also feel embarrassed or upset about not having friends. I’d have thought it was unusual at her age. So may be feeling insecure abd that led to her sleeping with this guy. Please don’t make her feel more shame. It’s not about feeling you can’t set your own boundaries (eg not cool that she lied to you) but shame is different. Please help her to question her choices but don’t make her feel ashamed of them

DumplingsAndStew · 09/12/2020 16:57

@houseinthesnow

Who said that "everyone has endless sex with strangers"?

The OP has spoken about a 17 year old girl who has been meeting with an 18 year old boy (singular) at least weekly since September. How is that translated to endless strangers?

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 09/12/2020 16:59

OP, it isn't a given that your DD shares your conservative cultural beliefs - she grew up in the UK. Just because your experience of growing up was very different that doesn't make hers wrong. (Other than the having sex in your bed/leaving the place a tip/alcohol - those things need discussing).

diddl · 09/12/2020 16:59

[quote noirchatsdeux]@diddl She's been meeting up with him since September. He wasn't a stranger.[/quote]
Sorry, yes, I was thinking that she'd only been chatting online!

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2020 17:01

@MrsKoala would you genuinely be happy sleeping in the sheets covered with the sexual bodily fluids of your child and their boyfriend?

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 17:01

@DumplingsAndStew

It is common for schoolgirls on Tanzania to exchange sex for school fees being paid, and just for food because of poverty. Sexual assault is a huge problem there. Teen pregnancy is one of the highest in the world. As well as the child bride issue.
So no, talks on safe sex and boundaries and saying no generally arent a priority. The culture is very much one of women being treated as commodities for a lot of the time.

Frequentflier · 09/12/2020 17:02

@erinsmith I hope you have left this thread. It is not going to be of any use to you. Find another place, preferably one where people won't Google Tanzanian child marriages in an effort to show you how backward and dated you are.

houseinthesnow · 09/12/2020 17:05

Unless you are sexually incontinent it appears you are' dated and backward'. Wow. Confused Maybe even that post was racist frequent

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/12/2020 17:05

@Frequentflier

The OP should be aware of the issues in the culture she grew up in and should not be raising her daughter by the same standards. I'm from south africa which isnt exactly doing great in this area, so I certainly havent raised my children with the "oh, this is my culture" blindfold.

DumplingsAndStew · 09/12/2020 17:06

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@DumplingsAndStew

It is common for schoolgirls on Tanzania to exchange sex for school fees being paid, and just for food because of poverty. Sexual assault is a huge problem there. Teen pregnancy is one of the highest in the world. As well as the child bride issue.
So no, talks on safe sex and boundaries and saying no generally arent a priority. The culture is very much one of women being treated as commodities for a lot of the time.[/quote]
Having grown up in that environment and knowing it was a problem, surely parents would want differently for their own child?

Mmn654123 · 09/12/2020 17:06

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@DumplingsAndStew

It is common for schoolgirls on Tanzania to exchange sex for school fees being paid, and just for food because of poverty. Sexual assault is a huge problem there. Teen pregnancy is one of the highest in the world. As well as the child bride issue.
So no, talks on safe sex and boundaries and saying no generally arent a priority. The culture is very much one of women being treated as commodities for a lot of the time.[/quote]
Assume you mean victims of child exploitation rather than child bride..... I really that that term - that and 'kiddie porn'.

MrsKoala · 09/12/2020 17:06

@houseinthesnow

. They are not my ‘children’s beds’. We have king size beds in all the bedrooms and we sleep in all of them at various points. We co sleep

So where do your children have that is private to them? With their private things? Where is their space to masturbate and explore their bodies, or do they have to share that with you as well?

Your poor kids. They need their own rooms, beds and space. You are encroaching on every bedroom having sex is a violation of their privacy at best.

My children are young, they have rooms which they store their stuff in but they rarely use them - their choice. They prefer our bed till they are ready for their own room. Our bedrooms are just rooms with beds in at the moment. They can have their private space when they are ready. It’s not like we wait till they are out and shag in their beds for kicks. But when we had 3 under 4 and all 3 were asleep in our bed/room it’s a logical choice really.

As long as it’s not left a mess I can’t see a problem really. I do understand others feel differently though, I just find it a bit odd.

DumplingsAndStew · 09/12/2020 17:07

[quote Frequentflier]@erinsmith I hope you have left this thread. It is not going to be of any use to you. Find another place, preferably one where people won't Google Tanzanian child marriages in an effort to show you how backward and dated you are.[/quote]
I actually searched to see what the age of consent was in Tanzania. I guessed it was kind of relevant, since the OP mentioned it as a reason for not educating or nurturing her offspring.

MrsKoala · 09/12/2020 17:08

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@MrsKoala would you genuinely be happy sleeping in the sheets covered with the sexual bodily fluids of your child and their boyfriend?[/quote]
Oh did I miss the bit in the op that it was covered in sex fluids? If I did I apologise and yes that is gross.

maddy68 · 09/12/2020 17:08

At 17 you know she is shagging relentlessly right?