17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

[erinsmith]

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

Sex at 17 is completely the norm. It would be far more unusual to wait until your mid-20s. Of course there’s nothing wrong with that at all, but realistically most of us need to accept that sex is likely going to be happening somewhere between 16-18 for the vast majority. I think it’s unrealistic to expect your children are going to wait until their adults or married.

My mother reacted much the same way when it occurred to her, when I was 18, that I was probably having sex with my non-Catholic boyfriend. This was back in the mid 80s, so long before mobile phones and the internet. Rather than treat me like an adult and actually ask me, she just made a lot of bitchy comments, and banned my boyfriend from even going upstairs in the house, let alone in my bedroom. I wasn't allowed to go on holiday with him, or spent the night away from the house for any reason. Of course it didn't stop us having sex at all - we just went around to his place, or waited until he had a day off and my parents were at work (he worked a rotating shift so often had weekdays off).

I hated her for treating me like a bloody child. She said she'd disown me if I lived with him, so like an idiot I got married at barely 21 just so I could have a proper relationship with him. Marriage lasted 2 years, I was divorced by 24.

The only thing she should be 'punished' for is using your bed.

I suppose when I chat to her, I'll giver her a sex talk. Never thought she needed it because she didn't ask and it's not customary in my culture.

Aye.
She'll be all sorts of screwed up, your daughter.
Thank goodness she's acting like a typical teenager.

@Standrewsschool

What jumps out at me from your post was that she invited a stranger she met on the Internet back to your house. That’s the biggest issue here.

Finally!

And I agree that not all 17yr olds are having sex-let alone with a stranger in their parents bed!

If you are OTT around your DD and boys then she will hide things. My DD friend is 17 and she is asking my for advice about contrapetives because her mum loses the plot, takes her phone off her and tracks her when she is out. What the mum doesnt know is her DD simply swaps her phone with a friend and heads off to meet her boyfriend. I worry you have just assumed your DD isnt interested and it is very worrying that she happily brought a boy home she met on tinder and had sex on your bed. Actually now i have written this out i am not sure this is real- so you came home saw some bits out of place and your DD happily relayed the detailed story about what they did...hmmmmm

@houseinthesnow

I think you have been given a hard time on here op.

Not everyone is having sex all over the place with randoms on the internet trust me. I grew up with fairly conservative values, and I am very pleased I did and didn't make some of the awful mistakes some of my friends did. To me it comes down to self respect.

Knowing a guy from the internet and meeting up a few times, is not the same as knowing him well and being safe. I would be so worried if my dd was meeting men from Tinder and bringing them home. It could be anyone, and once there alone with him things could have turned out very differently. A safety talk is prob more important than the sex talk

I have plenty of self respect and I was having sex all over the place with randoms. Not from the internet because it was barely a thing when I was young, but I was meeting men and bringing them home within a few hours and don't feel an ounce of regret or sadness or that any of it was an awful mistake. People like you may not respect me or my choices, but I don't care about that and never have or will.

I

I'd only be cross about putting herself in danger ( being alone with a stranger) and being in my bed .
I'd actually be encouraging her to bring boyfriends over so I could meet them and make sure she is safe .
You are treating her like a child which means she will continue to go behind your back and wont come to you for advice etc

@diddl She's been meeting up with him since September. He wasn't a stranger.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do

Blimey. How will this stop her having sex?

@BailarLaBamba

She's 17... doesn't everyone do this at 17? Right of passage

Which part? Having sex in your parents bed? No, I never did that! Gross!

I don’t get all the ‘gross’ reactions to having sex in your parents bed. It’s just a bed. When my parents went away I always moved into their room and my boyfriends stayed over. So did my sister if I wasn’t there.

I have sex in my bed and my children sleep in it. What’s the difference? I’ve also had sex in the beds in their rooms.

Anyway, back to the op. At 16 my parents went away and I slept in their bed with my boyfriend. I also drank a lot of their booze and had parties. I would expect it from all teens really. I think the ‘broke down’ part is very extreme, why would she feel like that about telling you something quite normal for a 17yo?

I'd be worried about why she didn't talk to you.

I never spoke to my mother about anything as she was v victorian Catholic in attitude. As a result I didn't have an adult to speak to and my behaviour was more risky.

I think the cultural differences are going to get in the way of you getting any relatable advice on this thread. You are going to get yelled at for being controlling. I am not British and I understand your reaction. It's very complicated and I think you will get better advice on another board, maybe the intercultural one.

She’s 17 years old!

She seems like a lovely young girl.

The only thing I’d be pissed about is that it was in your bed 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

@erinsmith

From reading some posts it seems that some people think I'm overreacting.

Maybe I was a bit out of line to take her smartphone and internet away and I'll give it back to her after a chat but I just felt it was a bit disrespectful to invite a 18yr old boy over.

I actually never got up to much when I was in college. I'm from Tanzania and grew up in quite a conservative household. I didn't drink until I was in college at 20 and didn't have sex till I was married at 26. That was when I was renting an apartment with my husband.

I suppose when I chat to her, I'll giver her a sex talk. Never thought she needed it because she didn't ask and it's not customary in my culture.

But your daughter is growing up in British Culture (well I assume so anyway)

She's 17, she can probably give you a talk on sex, thankfully it's covered in the school curriculum.

She might need to see someone about contraception if she hadn't already.

And I agree that not all 17yr olds are having sex-let alone with a stranger in their parents bed!

Agree that the parents bed thing is grim. Of course not ALL 17 yr olds are having sex but many are and it’s a perfectly ‘normal’ age here in the UK and I think it’s more unrealistic to expect your child is only going to have sex in their 20s or wait until marriage.

Um.... is this a joke? She’s 17, not 12. You need to respect her choices and work on creating an environment where she doesn’t need to lie to you or hide things

This with bells on it.

I have sex in my bed and my children sleep in it. What’s the difference? I’ve also had sex in the beds in their rooms. confused
I wouldn't want to roll around naked in a bed where the sheets had my parents / children's / children's partners sexual bodily fluids all over it. The kids get in our bed but they're dressed and not on the bit where the bodily fluids are.

Agree with PPs. It's not fair to take her things away and make her feel ashamed for having relations, at 17... that's all perfectly normal. I was doing a lot worse at her age!

If this was her first time, you've made it very unforgettable for her, (and not in a good way), whenever she's asked about it she will probably always feel embarrassed.

I think you need to address why she felt the need to lie about her whereabouts and who she was with.

Discuss with her safe sex and tell her you'll support her with contraception so you know she's safe.

Regarding the alcohol, many 17 year olds drink and although it's not legal it's certainly not uncommon. I'd rather my 17 year old was drinking in the house than getting black out drunk in some mucky field somewhere (trust me this is what teens do).

It may be worth inviting this person over if it's going to be something potentially serious, I'd like to know who was in my house when I was away.
By all means tell them you were disappointed but leave it at that, let them know they can talk to you.

YANBU to be annoyed about them using your bed, it's beyond disrespectful! I'd definitely explain how it's rude, imagine if she found out you used her bed for your own sexual relations! 🤮

Good luck OP.

Not everyone is having sex all over the place with randoms on the internet trust me. I grew up with fairly conservative values, and I am very pleased I did and didn't make some of the awful mistakes some of my friends did. To me it comes down to self respect.

What a load of fucking shite.

Having sex when you are old enough to have sex is not an indication that self respect is lacking. You may think you have self respect but as you look down on the rest of us from that very high horse you are certainly missing something.

I have sex in my bed and my children sleep in it. What’s the difference? I’ve also had sex in the beds in their rooms

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww

Oh god please tell me that is a wind up. You have sex in your children's beds?!!!!! For the love of god that is messed up.

@SleepingStandingUp

I have sex in my bed and my children sleep in it. What’s the difference? I’ve also had sex in the beds in their rooms. confused I wouldn't want to roll around naked in a bed where the sheets had my parents / children's / children's partners sexual bodily fluids all over it. The kids get in our bed but they're dressed and not on the bit where the bodily fluids are.

I’ve never left bodily fluids on the bed. Probably because I’ve always used condoms. Bodily fluids on the bed is a bit gross but if there isn’t then I can’t see a problem.

I can understand that you may be upset, but you have a chance to have an open and honest relationship with your daughter.
If you come down to heavy, punish her or treat her like a child, she may well close up and you will find you don't have a clue what's she is up to and with who.
Or you could ask her how she is, whether she wants to talk about the experience and her feelings and tell her you are always there to listen.
By making her feel confident to share her personal life with you it will allow you to keep your her away from dangerous situations and maybe become a positive confident person.

She's 17 and you haven't provided any sex or relationship education? You and your husband are the ones at fault here. Talk to your daughter and stop treating her like a 13 year old. The time for that was when she was 13 - when sex education might have been useful.

Check if she had protected or unprotected sex. She might need an STD and pregnancy test. And find out if she's been sending images of herself to this lad, or letting him take photos or videos of her naked or anything like that. Girls who are unprepared for the adult world can do stupid things - you don't want her ending up on Pornhub.

For goodness sake, go and make sure your daughter has the knowledge and life skills to protect herself. Better late than never.

Are you from ye olden times?

Your poor daughter. Jesus.

@SleepingStandingUp

I have sex in my bed and my children sleep in it. What’s the difference? I’ve also had sex in the beds in their rooms. confused I wouldn't want to roll around naked in a bed where the sheets had my parents / children's / children's partners sexual bodily fluids all over it. The kids get in our bed but they're dressed and not on the bit where the bodily fluids are.

That’s grim 😂

If you had sex in the now children’s bed before it was there’s that’s one thing, but having sex in your children’s bed? That’s pretty gross imo.