Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old daughter invited boy over while we were away

225 replies

erinsmith · 09/12/2020 14:33

I don’t know what to do about this so I was hoping I could get some advice here. I’m a mother in my 40s and have a 17yr old daughter in her final year of secondary school. She has generally been well behaved with my husband and I while also having no behavioural issues in school.

One thing we were worried about was her lack of friends. She’s quite good academically but has never had any close friends and although she got close to some teen girls in school, she said they slowly distanced themselves from her as they found her weird.

This year we encouraged her to make more friends and we agreed to pay for her to go out on a treat with some classmates on the weekends.

She said that she was hanging out with a few girls from class in the Shopping Centre in town. She left home at morning coming back at the evening since September. We trusted her on this and gave her €20 every week and let her be free.

Last week, my husband and I went to stay overnight at a friend’s house two hours away (from Fri to Sunday). We left her at home for the weekend. When we arrived back everything seemed fine but I found a few clothes/items in my bed misplaced. I asked if she’d been in my room but she denied it. I brushed it off but later during the day I found a few six packs in the trash can. I had emptied the trash before both my husband and I left so I knew it could only be my daughter and grilled her on the alcohol. She broke down and admitted that she had a boy over.

All this time, she wasn’t going to see any female friends but an 18yr old boy she’d met on Tinder. They wanted to have sex together but didn’t have anywhere to go so she waited until she knew we’d be away for a night then brought him over. He bought some alcohol and they had sex in our room then left on Sunday morning before we arrived in the evening.

All I can say is that I’m speechless. We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 09/12/2020 14:49

She’s 17.

Having a sexual relationship is entirely normal. The fact that she was responsible enough to wait and do it at home is a positive.

But grim they used your bed but jeez OP you need to think hard about your behaviour here.

SpectralPlot · 09/12/2020 14:51

Reverse/slash/wind-up?

ForeverBubblegum · 09/12/2020 14:53

She's 17, if she wants to have sex that's non of your business. Though using your room is a bit grim, I hope they at least changed the bedding. Maybe (space permitting) it's time she had a double bed in her room.

DryRoastPeanut · 09/12/2020 14:55

@SpectralPlot total wind up! For sure. Nobody could be so bemused that their 17 year old daughter is having a sexual relationship.

Totally wrong to punish her by taking her phone away.

Op sounds like my mum, I ran away as soon i was 18 and ended up in an abusive relationship, because that was better than being on the streets.

This can not be for real.

Pinotwoman82 · 09/12/2020 14:57

Are you joking? She’s 17!
Yes in your bed is a bit grim but the rest, really? Teenagers are going to do this, I would much rather it’s in my house than in a hedge or somewhere unsafe

Mintjulia · 09/12/2020 14:57

Err, she's 17! What did you expect?

But consider this. Teenagers who are not good at making friends are vulnerable to people who just want sex but dress it up as an offer of friendship.

Far better you tell your DD to casually invite the boy over for supper while you are there, so you can be introduced. Do not make a big fuss, your dd needs your support, not your censure. And buy a large pack of condoms and make sure your dd has access to them.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/12/2020 14:58

I agree that using your bed is out of order but the rest is quite normal and exactly what I was doing at that age, with my boyfriend, who incidentally I then went on to marry years later.

My main concern would be meeting guys on Tinder at that age and the safety issues around it but it sounds like she has been seeing him for some months?

I think if you’re going to punish her then make it about the bed and maybe not being honest with you or asking you first. Not for having a relationship and sex at 17.

VienneseWhirligig · 09/12/2020 15:01

I did similar at 17 tbh. Didn't have anyone stay the night but I did invite men i was seeing round while my parents were at work, had safe sex and luckily they didn't find out. They wouldn't have accepted me being a sexual being. Was mortified when I got into a steady relationship and the man had had enough of my parents being overprotective and stifling, and told them that we were having sex and I was an adult.

Now as an older woman I can see that it was a really important distinction in my life between being seen as a child and a woman and I am glad it happened because it changed their perspective. Toe curling at the time though...

Nymeriastark1 · 09/12/2020 15:06

She's 17 Confused she 'broke down' and admitted she had a boy over. Why did she break down? Was she that scared to tell you at 17 she cried? You sound easy to talk too Hmm You've taken her phone so punished her for doing something legal and normal. Most 17 year olds have sex. She'll probably never open up to you again and go out of her way to hide things from you. So well done on that.

The only thing I would of had words about would be contraception to make sure she's protecting herself, and the fact she used your bed.

Anordinarymum · 09/12/2020 15:08

She's 17 and having sex ? Sort her out with contraception and stay out of her sex life, but I would draw the line at it being practiced on my bed YUK

LaceyBetty · 09/12/2020 15:09

You also seem concerned that she was seeing this boy but telling you she was seeing girlfriends at the shopping centre. Why would she have felt the need to lie to you about this? I think you need to take a hard look at how you are treating her as a much younger child. Would you not have let her out to see friends if you'd known it was a boy? All of this is quite odd.

AIMD · 09/12/2020 15:13

Personally I think you’ve approached this in the wrong way.

17 is way too old in my opinions to be using punishment such as taking internet and phone away. She practically an adult!

Obviously you must have been upset, disappointed and scared for her and so I don’t blame you for reacting. However ideally speaking to her about acting in ways that keep herself safe would have been more beneficial.
She 17 - she’s doing to meet boys, she going to drink and she’s going to do things you don’t like.
I aim at helping her do some of those things in a more safe way....eg making sure she doesn’t meet people she’s met online alone etc.

WhySoSensitive · 09/12/2020 15:15

Ridiculous reaction OP.

A stern talking about safe sex, internet safety inviting strangers over and using her own damn bed would have been more than enough.

AIMD · 09/12/2020 15:15

@Mintjulia

Err, she's 17! What did you expect?

But consider this. Teenagers who are not good at making friends are vulnerable to people who just want sex but dress it up as an offer of friendship.

Far better you tell your DD to casually invite the boy over for supper while you are there, so you can be introduced. Do not make a big fuss, your dd needs your support, not your censure. And buy a large pack of condoms and make sure your dd has access to them.

Yes I agree. Make sure you’re someone she’ll listen to and ask for advice from.

By over reacting and taking her things away you have just encouraged her to lie more and possible do things that are more risky next time (eg meeting at someone else’s house to avoid you knowing):

viques · 09/12/2020 15:16

I think you need to be taking your own phone away and having a quiet think about why your 17 year old has to lie to you about meeting up with a boy.

Ok having sex in your bed was very icky, did they at least change the sheets (!) , but ask yourself why they felt they had to sneak around.

And please talk to her about relationships, about safe sex, about consent, about honesty. She is so close to being an adult so start treating her like one.

FPS123 · 09/12/2020 15:17

So she’s been seeing him since September? I don’t think it’s outrageous at 17 and 18 that they want to take their relationship to the next level.
I think you need to ask her to bring this lad home! Poor girl having to keep her boyfriend secret. It’s better that you get to know him and she is protected from pregnancy or getting out of her depth.
I left my DS overnight at 17 and asked his girlfriend to stay over. It was nice for them to have a bit of privacy and she was a sensible girl - part of our family. I felt happier with that than leaving him on his own.
And I think you need to give her her phone back!

LunaLula83 · 09/12/2020 15:20

So you've basically berated her for having sex. Well done. You blew it. Bye bye

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2020 15:21

I can understand you'd be upset that she's had a lad you don't know over to your house secretly then had sex in your bed.

But

I'm not sure punitive punishment is the way to get her to open up and be more honest with you. How old is he? Did they use protection? Did she take MAP if he didn't or could she be pregnant? Is she seeing him again? Would she like you to meet him?

It's ok saying she's not allowed to have sex in your house (but she will, just behind your back...). but they will do it somewhere. And if not him then the next bf.

It sounds like she's got to know him and waited until she was ready. That's not the worse thing to happen at 17.

ravenmum · 09/12/2020 15:21

Does she share a room with a sibling - is that why she didn't use her own bed? Sounds like she could probably do with getting her own place.
I'd work on developing a more trusting relationship with her, if you can, so that you can offer her practical advice on how to stay safe. If she has to hide everything from you, you won't be able to do that.

snookercue · 09/12/2020 15:22

We’ve taken away our daughter’s phone and internet privileges but don’t know what else to do.

Give them back 🤷🏻‍♀️

Really. I would make sure to have a charge about meeting people in safe spaces and not just having some random in your house but aside from that I'm baffled that you feel the need to intervene and punish her. She is 17!

Brieminewine · 09/12/2020 15:23

Why are you so shocked at a 17 year old being interested in boys and sex?

houseinthesnow · 09/12/2020 15:23

Having sex in your bed is really disgusting, and I would be horrified too. I really don't blame you for being so upset.

You felt you knew her, and having strange men in your house for sex is NOT normal, no matter what you read on here.
I would be very worried if this is out of character for your dd. How long has she known him for? Was it just a ONS or have they been dating? Why choose your bed?
It does kind of highlight a lack of good judgement and more importantly her safety if she hardly knows him.

I would be worried she was being taken advantage of, and if she were my dd we would be having long chats about safety (he could have done anything whilst he was there if she does not know him) A chat about tinder and its limits in terms of meeting new people and contraception.

17 means you are still legally responsible for her, she is not an adult yet and she sounds young for her age. I would be disappointed and upset, but moving on to talking it through with her is probably best.

DumplingsAndStew · 09/12/2020 15:23

17 year old girls use Tinder to find sex/boyfriends? Nah.

If she's wanting to have sex in her own home, tell her to get herself a double bed and stay out of yours.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 09/12/2020 15:24

She eventually told you what had happened - a full account - and instead of using that to build her trust to talk to you, and to talk about her personal safety, consent and contraception, you took her phone away and digitally grounded her?

Not smart.

What else can you do?

Say you weren't pleased about the lying but you realise you have over-reacted to what happened. Tell her that of course she will be wanting to have boyfriends, but she is still young and inexperienced so you are bound to worry.

As she clearly has experienced social problems, make sure that she is happy with the relationship, but be light and encouraging, and emphasise her own right to make decisions.

Ask her about him, take an interest, say she is welcome to bring him over to watch TV or for a meal.

snookercue · 09/12/2020 15:26

she is not an adult yet and she sounds young for her age.

No bloody wonder when she is being treated as so.

Swipe left for the next trending thread