I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

She was going to block the stairs. I asked her to move so DS1 could get down the stairs but she refused.

I told him to step over her but he accidentally stepped on her. She went loopy.

I warned her that if she did not stop screaming and punching the wall that she would be grounded. She carried on so I informed her she would be grounded for a week. (Standard punishment for bad violent behaviour from any of the DC's, house rule)

She went stratospheric.

Punching the wall so hard that she has cuts all over her hand, bleeding etc.

She refused to go to school. She wouldn't even get in proper uniform, bloody black skinny jeans and silver hi tops with school shirt blazer and tie...

I finally got her out of the house at 8.50, AFTER DS3 was due at preschool and AFTER DS2 was due at Primary. So they were both late.

She was STILL refusing to go to school, so I've had to fucking cross town by bus on the only time I have to buy DS3's birthday presents (he's 3 tomorrow and looking forward to his 'happy birthday') to deliver her to school.

Because she hurt her brother (bad bruise on cheek) on school premises, on Tuesday, they have no choice, especially as I have told them I'm not sure that I can have her home as I need to protect the safety and wellbeing of my younger DC's (she scares them when she rages, DS2 & DS3 are sensitive and get scared when she screams), that the school have to call SS.

I don't know what to do. The Deputy head of her school has said that DD isn't likely to be taken into Foster Care even if I refuse to have her home as she will be 16 in just 6 weeks time.

No family to take her in - after she spent Christmas hols with her dad & SM, they have refused to have her living with them because of the way she was with their younger 2 DC's. They have said that they understand the issues I'm facing and that they will support whatever I choose to do wrt DD.

DD is 15, DS1 is 11, DS2 is 10, and DS3 is 3 tomorrow. DS2 has medical issues/disabilities. DS3 has medical issues/disabilities. I am disabled.

At her dad's, her Dbro1 is 10, and her Dbro2 is 4. Her Dbro2 has medical issues/disabilities.

I have NO family to take her in either - my mother is an alcoholic. With a 22yo DS (my Dbro) who has aspergers.

Situation is complicated by the fact that DD has moderate LD's, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and a host of other medical issues. She does NOT function as a 15-16yo mentally, more like a 10-11yo.

I get no support other than from my Ex, DS2 & DS3's dad - who works FT.

DD's dad lives 600 miles away from me in the top end of Scotland.

I'm scared that as I've had previous SS involvement because of malicious complaints (CIN case closed in June last year after a malicious complaint)

I'm scared that SS will take the three younger DC's away and leave me with her.

Couthy I don't have any real advice and I'm sorry for that. I just didn't want to run and read and wanted to give you a hand to hold. It sounds like an impossible situation. I'm sure some other mumsnetters will be able to give you some advice.

Couthy, I've read your threads before and don't really know what to say.
It sounds so, so hard.
Sit, have a hot sugary drink and breathe.

{{hugs}}

What support has your DD had?
She sounds like the has anger issues on top of everything else, or maybe caused by her other difficulties.
Is CAMHS involved?
SS should have a 'young people's' team with access to support for challenging teenagers.
A friend's son who is 15 and has ADHD with oppositional behaviour problems goes to 'The Hub' which is a safe place for teenagers where they discuss consequences of different types of behaviours and how that affect their quality of life - might that kind of think help??

Sorry, if you've been through all that already - I am just thinking out loud.

Paed referred to CAHMS before discharging her last month. CAHMS refused to see her as she has a n ineffectual counsellor from a charity service. Not helping.

Deputy Head of SCHOOL told me that as she's 16 in6 weeks, they won't put her in FC, they'll place DS's with their Dads. I'll lose everything.

I'll lose my home, my boys, my reason for getting out of bed, she's going to implode my life and she doesn't give a shit cos she hS no empathy. Scuse crap typing am walking. Lack of empathy connected to her Autistic traits.

Discharged from Paed cos of age, adult services wait list 2 yrs, will have to wait till she's 18!!!

I'm hoping that SS will actually help you. They will want to keep you together.

In the meantime, I wouldn't fight her in the mornings over school. Prioritise your youngers ones and get them to school.

I have no real advice unfortunately, hopefully someone wiser will be along soon. Sorry that you're going through this.

If I lose my boys, I will have no reason to carry on. I would never get them back, disabilities + I'd be on a house that's too small as I'd have to move cos of bedroom tax would be horrific on a 4 bed + dining room + wet room with just DD.

Bedroom tax would probably be as much as my IS.

Is it possible to feel like you are being abused by your child even though you don't let her get away with it you can't kick them out in the same way as an abusive partner cos you love them too much in a different way.

Is it her or her SN's?

It's not just school she wants to run the house she's violent towards DS1 I can't protect him from her that's why she needs to be moved from the family home.

Try not to panic - you don't know what will happen yet. This is all a long way down the line and your DD or situation has time to improve still.

Will she be out of education by June? Will she be moving to a bedsit or houseshare then? I assume she is hard to have these talks with.

Would she read a letter if you wrote to her? Explain the house rules and how you're happy to live with her and that if not, she has to go?

so sorry you are going through this.

I really don't think SS would take your boys, you are trying to protect them from your dd. Try not to worry about that.

She's in Y11, she legally has to stay in education till 18.

She's got a place on her College course with SEN help too. It's the one she chose and has wanted to do since she was 7yo.

And she can't move out - no housing benefit till she's 25, and I'm a disabled lone parent with disabled DC's. I'm on IS so can't pay to rent for her. Or I bloody would!!

If I kick out a minor who has nowhere to go, that's neglect.

She won't be able to claim JSA until she is 18 either.

Her maths skills are 'functional' AT BEST. She is currently unemployable. Plus she was charged with criminal damage last year along with 4 of her mates. She got an absolute discharge which pissed me off as I thought YOTS might help put her on the straight and narrow.

The only thing that happened as a result of her being in court was they are taking her £477 fine out of MY IS at £5 a week for ever...

Bugger all happened to her.

I stopped her pocket money because of that, so SHE was the one losing out, but now her (rich, only DC in family) friends just pay for everything for her.

At College she is meant to start an NVQ lvl 1 professional chef course in September (school has no 6th form), and will be doing literacy and numeracy (Gove's new twaddle) alongside it. If she hasn't fucked up everyone's life by then.

I really don't think social services will take your other children. They will see that they are fine. School is talking rubbish. Social services have teams to deal with older children. They wont be keen but you will get help. Things have changed and SS do help teenagers 16 and over. Unfortunately, this is not a unique situation. There is a poster on the fostering forum called nananina. She has an amazing knowledge of the system. Hugs for you, strength too.

How much of it is being an out of control teen and how much is her SN's??

I'm at a loss what to do but know that I need to create a safe, calm environment for my younger DC's.

I can't do that with her living with me. I am a bloody failure. I can't cope with my DD.