I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

Oh, I hope the police can help find and her and reassure you that she's safe. Happy birthday to DS3 .

DD rolled in at 11.45pm, for the loo, and informed me she was going out again. Um...NO! I can't lock my door from the inside (safety measure due to my epilepsy, so emergency services can always get in).

But Ex was here for DS3's birthday, and he bolted the top bolts and she grudgingly accepted it wasn't going to happen.

She didn't kick off, but refused to go to bed, or even her bedroom until 12.20am.

She has also informed me that she IS going out tomorrow to see her friends, and again in the evening to go on her date.

I don't see how I can stop her, even though she is meant to be grounded.

I've lost control totally.

How do I keep her in? This is setting an awful example to my 10 and 11yo's, as if they see her flouting her punishment, how the hell do I hope to control them in future?!

They'll be taller than me by 13 at the latest - DS1 is only 11yo and 5ft3 already, and built like a rugby player. DS2 is 10 and not far behind.

How do you keep a sense of having any boundaries when your younger DC's get to that age if they have watched an older sibling basically say "screw you and your rules"?!

op has your dd explained why shes like this when shes with you, and as your current approach seems to be failing what about trying a different approach.

I've tried everything. She won't talk to me. We've always had a really open relationship despite her behavioural problems until we moved house around 7 months ago to the other side of town.

She still attends the same school, she still gets to spend time with her friends etc, I've extended her curfew to allow for the journey time.

She has Autistic traits. She HATES change. We had no choice but to move where we have, we had outgrown our housing association house years before AND due to my disabilities I needed an adapted house, a LARGE adapted house (DC's also have disabilities). There was ONE suitable HA house in my entire town. Old house not adapted and unsuitable for needs.

She also fell out with her long term BFF's, a set of twins, when she was 'Wendied' by a new girl in the school about 4 months ago. (Hopefully you know what I mean). She lost her other BFF to acute myeloid leukaemia just under 2 years ago.

She last properly 'spoke' to me three days ago, but it was only to ask a question about periods. (No she's not pg, she's on right now, though it is a worry despite many many talks as she is severely needle phobic - teachers had to hold her with me to get her HPV done - AND she has never been able to swallow even the smallest of pills, so all she uses for contraception is condoms)

This was ok when she had a long-term boyfriend (they would both talk to me in a grown up manner about it he was around 6 months younger than DD but had no parents was in a children's home...) but they started being a bit on and off from August and split up on Christmas Day. Since then, DD has just spiralled into lots of week-long 'relationships' with god knows who, all I get are first names, and have to guess from looking at her fb friends. Her other boyfriend she had been with for 18 months.

Her dad, not knowing her that well, (long boring story to do with him only working out how to be a grown up when his third DC, his second with DD's SM, was born, by which point DD was 12yo...) got her a blackberry for Christmas, which I am unhappy with as she is chatting to God knows who on BBM, tbh I'm glad I've had reason to get her off the damn thing for a bit.

So, to recap :

DD's BFF dies of leukaemia.
We move house, a terrible event for those with Autism or Autistic traits.
DD struggles more with GCSE schoolwork
DD's relationship with her Boyfriend gets rocky - suspect him cheating.
DD self harms for a month, gets referred for counselling.
DD's other BFF's get a new friend who ostracises DD from the group.
DD starts hanging around with her boyfriend's mates, who ARE a bad influence (think many minor convictions for Criminal damage, breaking and entering, GBH...these are all 14-17yo's!)
DD and boyfriend split up, DD has lots of 'flings' did speak about self worth and STI's.
DD gets back with boyfriend.
DD finally gets sone counselling in school from a charity.
DD's behaviour gets worse, am at breaking point, so she goes to her Dad & SM's over the Christmas hols, hastily arranged before I kill her or leave home myself.
DD's boyfriend breaks up with her by text (bastard) while she's 600 miles away at her dad's, and has the fucking temerity to tell DD that he has feelings for DD's new 'BFF'.
DD comes back from her Dad & SM's, and all SEEMS much calmer.
DD seeing someone new, but looking at fb it seems she is also seeing around 4-5 other boys too.
DD refuses to talk to me any more.
DD suddenly decides 2 days ago that she will do what she wants, when she wants, and I can't stop her...

So LOTS of bleurgh!

Yesterday when I had to take her to school, I saw her LSA who told me DD was struggling with a bad case of exam stress (why not tell me sooner?!).

Yesterday, on pressing, DD wants to drop Health & Social care as she is getting 'U' across every topic and is finding it too hard.

I agreed as there's now no way she can get anything but a 'U' grade, and she could use that tine in the LS base to work on other subjects she is struggling with like Maths.

Today I got letter about her needing to resit Core science.

Anyone know where to start?!

Tbh she's a lot like my narcissistic alcoholic mother. As far as she is now concerned, she can and will do what she wants, when she wants,

come in and out and treat the house like a hotel,

yell and scream if dinner isn't what she wants and when she wants (yeah, 11pm dinner with a 3yo?!),

yell and scream if I try to set the same boundaries all the DC's have,

refuse to do any chores not even bringing her laundry downstairs which I'm not PHYSICALLY CAPABLE of doing (disabilities affecting mobility as well as the epilepsy) my 3yo can bloody do it - yet yelling and screaming if the laundry isn't done because it's all over her fucking floor.

Yell and scream if she can't have what she wants to snack on even if it's stuff I can't afford.

Yell and scream at me when I can't top up her phone with £30 instantly - or ever lol, her and DS1 get £10 a month tops each.

Yell and scream because I can't give her unlimited money.

Yell and scream because I can't get get an iPhone as her (new for Christmas from her Dad) blackberry is shit.

Call me a bitch because I can't afford a laptop for her to have all for herself like all her friends (they all have fucking MacBooks FFS)

She sits on the middle of the stairs stopping anyone else from getting up or down them and just refuses to move and if DS1 steps over her and even brushes her she tries to push him downstairs. She tries to control EVERYTHING that happens in my home.

I can't allow that.

I've got to the point where for my own sanity and that of my other DC's, and their safety & well being I need her removed. But SS won't do it until I've spent up to a year dealing with Family Solutions.

Her Dad & SM no longer feel able to take her in due to her awful behaviour there over the Christmas holidays, towards her two DBro's there. (Telling a 10yo and a 4yo to fuck off frequently, showing the 10yo inappropriate -sweary and/or gory stuff - clips on YouTube.)

I swear it feels like she is ATTEMPTING to be a violent, controlling abuser, yet she's my own DC, my flesh and blood. It's nit so easy to walk away and go NC with your abuser when she's your baby girl...

I can't allow her to rule the home, to the point of deciding where DS1 LOOKS when he's sat at the dining table (yes, she DOES do this, and far more abusive behaviours)

I can't seemingly get her removed, can't protect my other DC 's from her violent house trashing behaviours.

DS2 cowers under his duvet when she is in meltdown, and DS3 shakes and cries. DS1 just turns his PS3 volume up and blanks it all out.

I've been begging EVERYONE, medical, SS, Schools, Ed Psych, HV etc for help with her behaviour since she was 5 yo. It's only now ice said to them that I can't have her here that they gave come up with a referral to Family Solutions for a support worker. God knows how long the waiting list is, we had to wait 4 months for her once a week counselling as an 'urgent' case when she was SH.

I am very sorry about your situation. I know nothing about social services etc. But could you involve the police more? Report her as abusive?. There must be some educational unit. It is awful that no one has thought it fit to support you and your other children. But my instinct would say that you have to show toy are proactive about protecting your dcs from her.
It is a veal crappy situation. And I am sorry about my waffling on when I don't know the sistem.

But as an outsider I would say maybe failing gcses is not the biggest problem right now?
She sounds angry and unhappy. I can't believe she's not getting any mh support.

You sound tired out and its wonderful that you are still keeping it together.

I'm sorry. I know I have not been much help.

I'm only barely keeping it together. I've got terrible insomnia from the stress (just look at the time!!).

Protecting my other DC's was why I asked for her to be removed two days ago. SS basically refused as she's not at risk from me. SS know I'm doing my best to protect the DS's.

It sounds horrific. And you really should not be having to deal with it on your own. I can understand the Stepmum should not have to expose her children to this, but could your Ex come to your part of the UK and help a bit more?

Just keep telling yourself that you are doing the best you can and don't beat yourself up about it.

Is there a teacher in the school that your DD is particularly fond of?

You definitely need help from a third party who is not so emotionally involved.

I think it sounds like you've gone past the stage of being able to reach out to her (understandably). If only there could be someone else to do that for you.

BTW the reason I'm posting is that I briefly worked in a secondary school with some extremely troubled teenagers.

Many were angry and unbelievably obnoxious but once you got to know them really they were still children. It is a very delicate thing trying to get through to them. Unfortunately I have moved abroad since but once back in the UK that's definitely the kind of work I'd want to get back in to.

Because I think that age group is definitely a black hole in the system. Children in primary schools are super-safeguarded then once they get in to Secondary school there is a big difference (in my limited experience anyway).

Couthy it sounds like you have coped almost too long by which I mean because you've just got on with it in the face of so much adversity certain services might perceive you as not needing help IYKWIM?

I agree involve the police more often.
I also think that heartbreaking as it may be, just like in any other abusive relationship you need to detach - stop having the constant shouting battles that don't seem to achieve anything other than stressing you. I am quite sure that your DD knowns what behaviour is and is not acceptable and what is expected from her - it is now down to a 'battle of wills' and she is winning because she gives less of a shit .

Could you not see taking a step back as 'letting her get away with it' but more as a tactical withdrawal? You've made your point/s, many times, she choses to not talk/listen/obey the grounding etc. Tell her you're there for her the very second she decides to talk to you sensibly, tell her you love her but hate her behaviour and what it's doing to the family, tell her she is on her own until she opts to behave as a member of the family with all the privileges and duties that brings. Then leave her to it. Don't see that as her having 'won' (there is not winning here IMO), but as a much needed withdrawal so you both can catch your breath and (her) maybe come to your senses.

Wrt SS, you may need to be a squeaky wheel and keep phoning, and phoning and reporting and reporting. Surely your younger DSs need to be 'safe guarded'? Could you use that as an argument to access whatever they may be able to offer.

Much love and strength to you today

Aaaand we're onto our third day of her smashing up her room - she's been told she can't hi out as she's still grounded. We've warned her we will have to call the police if she continues, but she doesn't care.

I tried that, MaryZ, on Wednesday. I got told of I did that, it would be neglect.

And it wouldn't cost them that much to remove my 3 DS's - they wouldn't have to pay for FC, they'd just be moved in with their Dad's.

DD's dad is a SAHP currently. They can't afford to fly him down (top top top end of Scotland to the SE.) and they can't afford Childcare.

As it is, DD's SM's wages are paying the maintenance.

(Did I mention I love her SM).

She would NOT talk.

And my 11yo keeps saying "if she doesn't have to follow the rules, then I'm not going to".

He has a very developed sense of fairness. It's shit but I have to do this because otherwise I lose control of the next one down (he's already stronger than me)

What do I do about DS1? If I give up on rules for her, he will refuse to follow the rules because it would not be fair...

My heart goes out to Couthy, no advice really. It sounds like your dd needs proper invertentional help but you will struggle to get it for her because everything seems to revolve around crises management