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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

I'm done

999 replies

CouthyMow · 23/01/2014 11:03

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

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CouthyMow · 04/03/2014 11:05

Not from my bloody GPis the best answer I've got.

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mathanxiety · 04/03/2014 15:11

(((()))) to you. You are doing the right thing and I want to punch SS on your behalf. And your stupid GP.

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mathanxiety · 04/03/2014 15:13

Can you get the younger DCs' school to try to assess the impact on them?

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CouthyMow · 04/03/2014 16:23

They have. SS have said it's not their concern, as the SW is DD's SW not mine. Oh and I'm liable for any and all fines she accrues until she is 18. My benefits for her will stop in June. I will not even be halfway through paying off her PREVIOUS fine for criminal damage at that point, plus I'll be paying whatever fine she gets from this, plus they are about to start taking the victim surcharge from when she smashed up my house from my benefits too.

The police have been forced to return her to me. She's refusing to go to her YOTS appointment because I won't give her a tender to go out with afterwards (!). YOTS lady heard her and has said that if DD doesn't attend, she will get a warning, which will affect her in court for the shoplifting charge. Don't forget, DD has a referral order.

The police say they doubt it will be the last time they have to pick her up for shoplifting.

Social Care refusing to come put, refusing to accommodate her, and stating that they WILL prosecute for neglect if I lock her out - she is to be able to come and go as she pleases because if I lock the door and don't let her in, even if she wakes the while house up at 2am to get in, then I'm neglecting her. They have stated that if I am prosecuted for neglect, they will have to remove ALL the DC's from my care. Except DD - because she will be over 16... Ok, the three DS's will go to their dad's - but I will be left waiting years for a disabled adapted 2-bed property whilst having to pay bedroom tax on a 4-bed with just £66 a week income...

I'm fucking screwed. And DD? She came in with the police with a smirk on her face because she KNOWS that she has been given free reign by SS to do whatever the fuck she likes, because the poor bastard paying the fines will be me, not her, for another two years.

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CouthyMow · 04/03/2014 16:24

Not THEIR SW. The first line should read - the younger 3 DC's don't HAVE. A SW, and I've been told that if I push for them to have one, they will remove them from my care...

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mathanxiety · 04/03/2014 18:20

Who is your local MP?

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wol1968 · 04/03/2014 22:59

I'm wondering if you (and a few others) should go to the national press with this actually...they've managed to kick up a massive stink over inadequate hospitals, why not inadequate Social Services?

No help at all, I know. Sad

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CouthyMow · 04/03/2014 23:54

Wol, the fact is, I don't have the goddamned energy for that. And also, having younger DC's, one just 3yo, with 15 years to go until he is officially an adult, I daren't risk provoking SS.

When he is 18, though, by fuckery will I not only print how SS have failed my family SINCE I was an adult, but also how they fucking failed me as a child too.

I knew as a Child that SS don't give a crap about anything except their budget, but for some reason, as an adult, I had the misguided impression that this would have changed (though fuck knows why I have such optimism and hope, given that I have on-off experience of their uselessness, with never more than a 2-3 year gap at a time, stretching back as far as I can remember, so back to 1985-ish.

It never changes, never will. Bottom line is everything.

(Found my cynical, less optimistic side today...) Hmm

On a more amusing note, my Ex asked me why I hadn't taught DD that ice cream vans don't usually have flashing lights on top, and normally play "Just one Cornetto" rather than a siren... Grin

I found it funny, anyway!

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CouthyMow · 04/03/2014 23:55

We've placed bets that the next thing she shoplifts will be a flake to stick in last night's purloined non-purchase. Wink

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CouthyMow · 04/03/2014 23:56

Laugh or cry, folks, laugh or cry...

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Hels20 · 05/03/2014 08:22

I agree with Wol - I had no idea SS could be so ridiculous. And what really sticks in my craw is the fact that you, as the victim, have to pay the victim surcharge. Completely and utterly ridiculous.

And why should you be responsible for what your child does, if they are above 14 (the age of criminal responsibility)?

Couthy - you are amazing and I have no words to add.

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LeapingOverTheWall · 05/03/2014 08:30

Would Womens Aid be of any help maybe? From what I've read on the relationships board they can be good at getting round inflexible systems, so might be able to suggest something?

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MmeMorrible · 05/03/2014 09:07

I'm sure you have already thought of this, but would it be worth calling the helpline at Youngminds to see if they can offer any more avenues to try to get the help your DD needs?

Sorry there's nothing more I can think of. Best of luck Couthy, we are all behind you.

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CouthyMow · 05/03/2014 10:58

She's gone to school this morning. For now . Until she pisses off the male teacher in the IER (internal exclusion room).

I've also found out that when she got excluded the first time, for apparently swearing at this teacher in the IER, she DIDN'T swear at him - she calmly told him that she found him annoying, and he took offence to that?! Maybe she DID find him annoying? (Though she should have bleeding THOUGHT it rather than said it, but she has no filter for that!!)

She DID swear at the deputy HT though, the second time she got excluded. But the woman IS...I can't think of a word to describe her, but she speaks in 'corporate-speak', and thinks that crying because you are upset is 'aggressive', so I can see why DD has a problem with her I do too, I think she's horrible, but I know better than to say that or swear at her...

Tbh, I have my serious suspicions about all these exclusions so close to the exams.

Originally, in Y9, I had to fight HARD to get DD to be ALLOWED to do traditional GCSE's, as it was her only route into Catering at College, as the school offered NO vocational qualifications in anything that would get DD into College to do Catering (mechanics, hair and beauty and Childcare only). DD only NEEDS D-G grades to get on the course, and I knew she was capable of at least E-G's in everything.

Now, since September, the school has become an Academy. DD's year group will produce the FIRST league table results for the school as an Academy...

DD will not achieve a C grade or above in ANY subject. But she doesn't NEED to.

HOWEVER...the SCHOOL needs as many pupils as possible that are doing traditional GCSE's to get A* - C grades, for their league table results.

As DD won't achieve this, what better way to prevent DD's D-G results from appearing on their league tables than to keep excluding her until the end of the school year, so that she isn't eligible to sit in the exam hall and take the exams, because then she isn't counted in their oh-so-important league table results as not getting ANY A* - C grades...

And as NONE of their exclusions top 5 days, I will have no comeback even WITH a letter to the Board of Governors (which I have written already because the minute they exclude her again, it will be over 5 days, taken advice in what I CAN do...), the Board of Governors get FIFTY days to respond. By which point, the school year will be finished. Which is why they are doing this to DD now.

There are other pupils who act out far worse than DD that DON'T get excluded or put in IER for far worse than DD is currently getting excluded / internally excluded for...but they are doing vocational qualifications so it doesn't affect their league table results so badly.

And that, my friends, is the harsh reality of having a DC with SEN / SN's in a mainstream school that becomes an Academy just as your DC goes into Y11...

AngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

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CouthyMow · 05/03/2014 11:07

Oh, and the school are putting pressure on DD to resit her Science, which she has got a low D in (which is a MASSIVE achievement for her!) because they want her to try for a C that even her TEACHER says she absolutely CANNOT achieve.

And the same with her Maths, though DD DOES have a slim chance of improving her G grade to an F, there isn't a snowball's chance in Hell of her getting a C grade...

The resits AREN'T for DD's benefit - she isn't going to get a better grade in Science, she will just get a Higher D than the one she scraped before. But it will still be a D grade.

They are purely for the school and their league table results. SCREW THEIR FUCKING LEAGUE TABLES!!!

DD doesn't need the added stress and pressure, and I feel the school are setting her up to fail simply because of their league table results.

I originally asked if DD could sit Maths, English, RE (compulsory), Science, IT (compulsory), and Catering, and be in the learning support zone for her other timetable slots to work on those, but the school wouldn't do that.

DD only NEEDS 5 D-G grades to get into College. The school are putting so much pressure in her to achieve the unattainable, that she is cracking under the pressure, and feels like a complete failure.

It's got to the point where she says the reason she's refusing to do ANY work at school is because she can't understand half of what the school are MAKING her do, they are making her redo and redo and redo work that she can't get any better at, she's sick of the school telling her that because she isn't getting C grades that she is failing, and that nobody will give her a job if she can't get C grades, and what's the pout. In bothering at all if 'anything below a C grade is worthless' according to the school...

Again, AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

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Elletorro · 05/03/2014 16:52

Couthy. Have you thought of warning the school you will be reporting them to ofsted? Their behaviour sounds like disability discrimination. Maybe they will talk to you properly if you scare them.

Also with regard to social services I think I would be inclined to get contact details of the top bod and explain in a letter that their insistence that you provide a home to your dd is putting your other children at risk of injury. Spell out that you will be holding them liable and would take them to court should there be any injuries incurred. Tell top bod that you hold them personally responsible for sorting it. Cc in your mp.

I don't mean to poke my nose in but I've been thinking of you all day and that is the best I could come up with.

Good luck

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CouthyMow · 06/03/2014 07:55

OMG!! DD has got a provisional place on her College course provided she starts going to school and doing her work between now and Her study leave!!!

ShockShockShock

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Eastpoint · 06/03/2014 12:22

That's great news, I hope she is encouraged.

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flow4 · 06/03/2014 12:56

Good news about DD's college, Couthy. Fingers crossed. :)

What did the Children's Legal Centre say?

Some of what you are being told is doubtful. I know one man and two women personally (and more on MN) who simply refused to have their difficult teenagers living with them. One of the women did this specifically because she has a younger disabled child and she could not deal with teenager taking drugs and getting arrested. There has been no question at all in any case of SS taking action against these parents. SS have rehoused 1 teen, one is living with a girlfriend, and one with another teenage friend who was in care and now has accommodation. I think perhaps you have a particularly bullying SW.

You can't fight all this. Aside from all the energy you need (and haven't got) there are too many potential conflicts of interest. You are afraid to 'make a fuss' and 'alienate' services because you need their support, and that is (you don't need me to tell you) a very disempowering, crap situation to be in.

You need an advocate - someone who can do some of the fighting for you and create a bit of emotional distance. A lawyer. A disability advocate. Someone from the CAB if you're lucky. Maybe your MP. Even a capable friend perhaps.

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mathanxiety · 06/03/2014 17:57

Fingers crossed now.

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CouthyMow · 07/03/2014 18:56

My SW's boss is no better...I spoke to her too, and she was more insistent that they would prosecute for neglect than DD's SW was!

DD has gone to school ok since she went back on Wednesday, is in the main classroom, and seems to be (mostly!) behaving at home too.

I think the impetus of keeping her provisional place at College is helping.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it lasts...

It's her 16th Birthday tomorrow.

Not heard anything from Dbit since Wednesday, just been left to get on with it, so it's good that she's just been a 'normal' grumpy teenager the last few days, rather than the shoplifting, wall punching, shouty, house smashing one I've had since October...

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middleeasternpromise · 07/03/2014 20:13

They will never prosecute for neglect as it would mean when they accommodated yr daughter before their assessment that she was a child in need was wrong. Put everything in writing to them and demand copies of your assessment by their social work staff ask them to confirm in writing their threat to prosecute you - they won't do it because its a bullying tactic. Make an official complaint as well as they must respond within a certain time frame. Ask to speak to the independent review team and ask them for advice on why your daughter was de-accommodated without your consent? Copy the lotto your MP

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flow4 · 07/03/2014 23:40

Hope DD has a happy birthday, Couthy. And congratulations to you too in surviving 16 years of motherhood! Grin May there be a turning point just over the horizon!

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CouthyMow · 10/03/2014 08:03

She's still behaving, though we are noticing the hormones this week...

She enjoyed her birthday.

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