I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

[CouthyMow]

An almost 16yo, who has had self harm issues in the recent past, has Autistic traits, massive meltdowns lasting up to 6 hours at a time, school refusing, with cardiac issues, partially deaf, with hypermobility syndrome, and Moderate LD's.

The FC's will be queuing up...

[CouthyMow]

They were unable to find a single FC to even do respite.

[CouthyMow]

She damages the house and punches the wall so hard that she injures herself when she can't get her own way.

Never got any help as she behaves in school (once I got her out of the door to go) and saves it all for home.

She's bed the same since the day she was born, but no support as she is not displaying these behaviours at school.

I could tell them till I'm blue in the face that she gets wound tighter and tighter through the school day, then releases like a coiled spring when she gets home.

[CouthyMow]

:

[Shybairns]

Gosh you must feel so alone with this. I really feel for you. Can you ask to change to a different counsellor with Charity service? Or leave that counsellor and approach CAHMS again?

Must be so hard with her lack of empathy and understanding of the feelings of others. And how she copes in mainstream school when she has the mental capacity of a much younger child I have no idea. She must be exposed to language and behaviour from her peers that she is unable to comprehend or relate to.

Is there a SEN school that could take her?

[Shybairns]

You are not a failure! Do not say that.

You are doing your best under enormous pressure. Anyone would be cracking in your position.

[CouthyMow]

SEN school? That would require my cuntish LA actually agreeing to even assess her for a statement. She's been on SA+ since preschool - but because she is making progress, albeit slow, I can't get them to assess for a statement.

So no, no SEN school. Tbh there's no spaces anyway.

[CouthyMow]

And the only real issues with her at school are lateness, refusal to do maths homework, low grade uniform 'errors' and assaulting her brother.

She gets 100% attendance, or bloody near to, every year - because I MAKE her get out and go. Problem is, that has meant that school refuse to see any issue. School have never cared how hard I have to fight to get her there.

I have had a call from the 'initial response team'. They are going to refer it on to something called 'family solutions', to put in place boundaries (like I don't? Do they think she will listen to them any more than she does me? Do they think they have any solutions that I haven't fucking tried in the last 12 years?!)

The initial response team told me that Family Solutions will work with the whole family (why? The others are well behaved, the house was so peaceful over Christmas when she was at her Dad's).

I tried to explain that the major flashpoint is getting her ready for school, as her and DS1 have to be up at 6.30am, and have to leave the door by 7.30am. 11yo DS1 manages this perfectly well. DD barely ever leaves before 7.45, and not until 8am (after MUCH screaming and banging the walls and punching and arguing with me)

And the other flashpoint is if she can't have or do whatever SHE wants, or if she wants money I haven't got, or if she doesn't want the dinner I've cooked (she's very fussy, and I can't afford separate meals, I have to meal plan to the letter.), or if she thinks her curfew is stupid and she should be allowed to stay out until midnight on a school night like some of her friends (and yes, some of them ARE stating out that late at 15 on a school night!), or if I ask her to do her chores, or if I ask her to tidy her room, or bring down 101 cups that she's left in her room, or bring down her laundry (she won't bring it down yet shouts at me if it's not washed, and I can't climb the stairs easily)...

Basically any reasonable request is met with a meltdown. And always has been.

How they think anything this Family Solutions can do is going to change that is beyond me.

And no, she isn't allowed to 'get away with' any of the above, but then she melts down for even longer when she gets punished (AFTER two warnings that if she doesn't do X, Y or Z, or stop screaming, or stop talking to me like shit, or stop being violent, I ALWAYS give her two warnings BEFORE I punish her, same as I do my other DC's, to give them a chance to change their behaviour so as not to lose whatever they have been told they will lose, she carries on anyway.)

I just can't do this any more. I'm all out of energy. Why couldn't they have offered me this help at any point in the last 13 years that I've been desperately requesting help, instead of when I'm actually just done and don't know if I can cope with her any more?!

Waiting to see if she comes straight home or if she goes out straight after school - she is grounded due to this morning's debacle, but is adamant that she isn't going to come home until SHE wants to. I have been advised to phone the police if she isn't home when she should be.

I could do with some hand-holding.

[Ohbyethen]

No advice Couthy but handheld.

I have experienced the complete stonewalling of services and access to help, or there not even being any to access. Grinding, soul destroying emotional torture.
You are not a failure. You are not failing your dc. You are fighting as hard as you bloody can for all of them. You deserve better.

If you were to write a list of the strategy and support you have tried over this time it would probably be a mile long. It's a kick in the teeth to have campaigned for help. and to then be faced with a social worker or OT or whoever that imparts wisdom with the view they have solved life, the universe and everything (42) and you should be just fine now when that advice is 'make sure you have consistent boundaries and punishment is developmentally appropriate. Try to use reward charts and focus on positive parenting and keep punishments as a last resort' ...yes, never thought of that Sherlock. Thank Fuck you rode in on your sodding great horse.

However when you find a good one it can be an absolute lifeline. I truly hope you get some help x

[CouthyMow]

I see you have also been there and met those with their all encompassing knowledge of fuck all...

[Dapplegrey]

You are not a failure. I don't know how you've managed to cope at all, - I wouldn't have been able to.
I cannot understand why SS aren't giving you more support.

[CouthyMow]

DD DID come home. She is currently smashing fuck out of her bedroom. I've given up. Let her smash it the fuck up it's her stuff anyway.

DS1 putting a wash load on for me. DD hasn't ever done that. It would involve thinking about someone else for a change.

[CouthyMow]

Because support costs money, and I don't neglect or beat or starve my DC's.

[CouthyMow]

She's now kicking my hallway wall full force in her bare feet. She's going to break bones or something. At least when she was a toddler head butting the metal bar at the bottom of the stair gate she was small enough that it only bruised me to put my hand under her head to protect her. She's too big now for me to safely protect her.

And my neighbours are banging back now. Like that's going to fucking help. Nope, twats, that just makes her WORSE and extends the meltdown. Hope you enjoy it.

[CouthyMow]

They've only referred us to Family Solutions because I asked for her to be removed and this is the cheaper option.

[Doinmummy]

I have exactly the same problem. DD year 11 refused to go to school to day and on tues because her hair doesn't look right. Screaming and shouting at me that I don't care.

We've has intervention from Family Solutions but DD wouldn't meet the woman.

She has been so good for the last few months but it s all gone down hill the last couple of days.

I'm exhausted. You have my sympathies Op.

[Doinmummy]

She has only just had her bedroom door replaced as she kicked it off its hinges last year.

[Doinmummy]

I called the police when Dd was smashing the house up.

[Ohbyethen]

Oh yes Couthy!

By the way have you tried explaining how it feels when she behaves that way? Take away a privilege until she's sorry

That's so hard, but you have given everything & if detaching from DD can be done there is no shame in doing so. It's a giant & complex balancing act - if you need that emotional energy for you & other dc then that's ok. It's hard to stop those situations from hurting but it's very much all about her, accepting that can feel like an admission of failure but sometimes it's the hard truth. That's why it's so easy to give advice to other people, because the consequences are not a knife in your heart and you can walk away.
If you are in no man's land you do whatever you need to survive. Sometimes you only have the ability to tread water, it's keeping going at all and this mythical land of every strategy leading to progress is purely fantasy.
You can keep going, even if it's just running out the clock. You have lost sight of how very much more you have done than many others have ever had to.
If her room is smashed up, well that's a shame. Take that step back if you need to. It's not defeat, it's getting a tactical distance.

[CouthyMow]

She's trying to push her luck, pounding the hallway floor because trashing her room was getting no response.

[CouthyMow]

Take away a privilege until she's sorry. That'd be long after Hell has frozen over.

She'd not going to do as she's told today, she's not going to do as she's told tomorrow, she's not going to do as she's told ever according to her.

She's now trying to kick DS3's pushchair. She's coming perilously close to me HAVING to phone the police. Will they remove her if she hasn't broken anything? Do I phone 999 or 101?

She can't see that a week's good behaviour will get her allowed out - "that's too long" is her response.

She keeps saying that if she's good tomorrow can she have her phone back and go out on Saturday. When I explain that her dad has told me not to give the phone back AT ALL (he paid for it) and grounded means that no, she WON'T be going out on Saturday, she starts banging even louder and screaming that we're all cunts and we're stupid and she's going to go out anyway and I can't stop her...

[CouthyMow]

Thing is, Doinmummy, is she is stopping short of damaging anything but her own stuff. She's being noisy, and rude, and shouty, and screamy, and bang bang fucking banging on the floor...but she's not actually damaging anything YET...

[PacificDogwood]

Phoning the police may pull her up short - do you think it would help her out of this tantrum? If your neighbours are getting disturbed by this the police will be able to come, read her the riot act and give her an official warning - I know it has helped some kids to pull their behaviour back a bit.

I've made some enquiries at work today - the following will vary dramatically from area to area, so I have no idea what might be relevant for you (I am in Scotland):

SS may have a 'young people's team' - they should be able to deal with 16 to 25 year olds with additional needs and challenging behaviour. They seem to be quite a well-hidden secret around these parts and somebody I know had to threaten reporting the non-action by SS to the Children's Reporter to get any action, but then got very good input and support.
Has she ever been considered for medication in terms of having such poor impulse control? Again I am not expert and apologies if all of this has been gone over and dismissed in the past.

Huge sympathies and hand-holding is all I can offer otherwise. And

[CouthyMow]

Policeman been. DD shut up, warned if I have to call back she will be hauled away, and will end up in cells overnight.

Policeman who turned up is in my Maths class at College.

[PacificDogwood]

Well.
I am glad you called the police even if it was a bit of a Small World situation for you.

Has she calmed a bit now?