I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

Everything maryz said.
My dd (16 and now in res care for high risk teenagers) got me to the point that I refused to have her home. You have to mean it- I got told I had to have her home because of parental responsibility - I said i would rather jump out of the window of the very high building we were in and I meant it.
I do feel for you, I have young children too.

MaryZ

I absolutely agree with everything maryz has said.
You can never change other people, you can only change yourself and the way you deal with them.
I know that technically she is a child, but you have tried and tried. If you keep doing what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
Your other children are suffering and you are exhausted.
Listen to what maryz says.
IME as long as you wear yourself out coping, nobody "official" will give you any help.

My GP is useless. And says I'm not depressed. Plus I can't take AD's as they interact with my epilepsy meds.

And Ive tried the separate rules and explaining to DS1 about it all. He still says if I don't have the same rules for all, he won't follow them either, he says why should he if she doesn't.

She's yelling where's my phone.

When I say it doesn't matter as she's not getting it back she says that she WILL get it back. Um, no!

When I let HER away with walking out, HE walks out "as it's only fair, if she can do it, so can I".

He is a lovely perfectly behaved DC if she's not breaking rules and getting away with it. The ONLY fault he has is that if things aren't fair, he does the same as her!

I don't take anti d's now but I do have beta blockers and diazapam for when dd is on home leave I find them very useful as an occasional thing!

So I either make atrempts at keeping to my house rules with DD or I lose control of DS1 too!

(He's got a very bloody-minded personality when it comes to perceived unfairness. To the point where he has argued with his primary HT over things that WERE unfair...)

Couthy, love, stop and breathe.

Don't answer her about her phone or anything else.

If she comes down and yells in your face, call the police, say you've felt threatened.

You need some peace to regroup and consider in what way you might be able to change your approach, because as it is is not working, is it?

I am sorry to hear that you have a crap relationship with your GP. Is there anybody else in the surgery you might see? Consider changing practice? There are many different classes of antidepressant (as there are of anti-epileptic meds of course) and if your GP is not prepared/able to prescribe something safe for you ask to be referred to a specialist service. Do you have a neurologist? They should also be able to advise wrt safe meds combinations.

But - not for a minute do I believe that the 'solution' to your problems lie with meds.
I have not been in your shoes and I hope and pray I never will be, but who knows? I have 4 boys none of which have hit puberty yet and I already have serious concerns about DS2 .

Please find a way to take a step back, breathe and regroup.
{{hugs}}

She's still banging her floor upstairs. She smashed the kitchen door and smashed all my slimming drinks that were in a bag on the back if the door, and has refused to clean it up. Just after the floor has been cleaned.

Point out to DS how crap DD's life is for her - does he want to be in her position?

Fairness does not mean 'everybody gets the same thing', it means 'everybody is treated as they require to': It would be wrong if my much younger kids were allowed the same things as their older brothers, but they have had access to various things (say, iPads) much younger than their brother because time moves on, electronic devices weren't so prevalent 5-10 years ago and because some stuff was already in the house when they came along. DS2 thinks that is very 'unfair'. Well, yes, it is, but who said life is fair at all times? He has other privileges that the others will only get in years to come.

Your DS may need many, many reasoned conversations about this.
I also don't really think this is about 'control (and I agree, you've lost it with DD already ), it's about getting him to buy into the idea of how a functioning family co-exist by wanting to get on, be tolerant of the others and accepting a bit of give and take is necessary. Not that one person says 'jump' and he has to say 'how high', but that he has an understanding and wants to be part of a happy family and therefore will contribute to make that happen.

Now if I could only get my DS2 to bloody get that...

Police - she doesn't get to be violent towards you or anyone else.
Social services - she isn't 16 yet.

You seem utterly passive in all this.
DO something.
Police.
SS.
Now.

Mine have not had things any earlier than DD, that WOULD be unfair - DD got her first cheapo mobile at 11yo. DS1 got his at 11yo. 10yo DS2 doesn't have one yet.

No, I took her phone because she pushed her brother, and her Dad asked me to, as he had given it to her on the proviso that she wasn't violent , and that if she was, I was to take it.

She knew that if he asked me to take it, I would.

As I didn't buy it , it's not down to me to hive back. Her dad says that when she talks to him, she can have it back. She is steadfastly refusing to speak to him on the phone.

She stops every time I pick up the phone even though she can't see me. It's like she knows just how far to push where it doesn't cross the line where the police will lift her, but enough to drive the whole house to distraction.

Later curfew, later bedtime, electronics, more pocket money all go by birthdays / age in my house. That way it IS fair.