I'm done

[CouthyMow]

DD school refused this morning. First she refused to give DS1 back his iPod that he had kindly lent to her yesterday because hers is broken.

I insisted she give it back. She then decided

Yes, for now. She'll kick off tomorrow when she realises she's still grounded and still isn't getting her phone back...

He's going to put in a referral to SS too.

On the plus side, I'm better at Maths than him...

He's better at calming mardy teens with the threat of a night in the cells though...

Well done.
Now you have a line in the sand. I hope it gives you a breather for a bit. It's just a reminder you do have back up and will follow through. It's so hard not to take it personally when directed at you and deal with having a lot of sympathy at how hard she has to work to get through each day - but so do you and so do your other dc.
I wasn't being serious before, mine could be naked in a concrete room and still not give a shit. It's the most frequently given advice but when you ask what to do when that makes not a jot of difference they fall strangely silent.

Bet that was a fun reunion! Hope he didn't have any bad habits you were trying hard not to remember while he was being authoritative

Oh, I know this won't be a solution longterm.

I don't want to patronise you - you've clearly been through more than most with your DD, your own health and your other kids - and you know a lot about 'the system'.

Just wanted to add earlier your fear of losing your other DC seems to be v close under the surface and IME this is not something SS would be at all keen to do.
I've just checked the Children's Reporter is a Scottish institution and probably no use for you, but there must be an agency you can appeal to re the lack of appropriate support you have been given for your DD, mustn't there? I may be more naive than I think I am...

Could you withdraw from making her do things a bit? Don't take her to school etc?
You need to catch your breath.

x-post

Oh, good, a SS referral from the police might help.

I have all this to look forward to - DS2(9) is v oppositional and defiant and does not know When To Stop .

God Couthy, what a nightmare for you. I hope you have a (relatively) calm evening as a result.

Well done for calling the police . I found them very helpful . Give Family Solutions a go. They can work with you for a year and have access or lots of other agencies. We had a lady called Mary, she was great. Helped loads even though Dd never saw her !

What part of the uk are you in?

I'm in the SE. And every time I complain about the lack of support, SS raise a CIN case against me...so it's hardly surprising that I worry so much about losing my DC's. It's seemingly easier and cheaper for them to try to scare me into silence each time than it is to actually provide some support...

Oh deep joy. It's DS3's 3rd Birthday today. She's not the centre of attention. She's kicking fuck out of her room again, refusing to go to school again.

I'm going out. I'm past giving a shit what she does, and I NEED to go to the toy shop to buy the rest of DS3's presents (he's only had2 very small £5 toys) and I'm NOT having her ruin DS3's birthday.

I'm refusing to give her her bus fare as she's not in uniform (at all) and is refusing to go to school.

She's not having money that's meant for school fares to go arsenic about with her mates when she should be at school.

She's ruining DS3's birthday and I can't even get anyone to look after her, SS won't remove her, and I'm heart sick of this.

If this was an abusive partner I would have all the support in the world.

Arsenic = ARSING. Bloody autocorrect!

Oh - and she's been informed that the laptop, house phone (cordless lol), my iPad, my mobile AND her mobile are leaving the house with me...

She's NOT happy. She KNOWS that in my house, electronic privileges (and it IS a privilege to be allowed to have and use them in my eyes) have to be EARNT by good behaviour.

Why should I set a bad example to my younger DC's of allowing her free reign with them when she should be at school?!

Not happening. Hence they will travel with me...

Hope she's bloody bored.

Turning off the wifi too!

Get the police officer to follow up the SS referral with a phonecall to explain verbally and emphasise how much he saw you are struggling. They will take more notice of this than just a paper referral. Hope things improve for you.

She can hate me all she wants, but my house rules are not that bad :

NO VIOLENCE

Go to school

Be polite or be in your room - rudeness will result in loss of electronic privileges.

Do your chores (and they don't have as many as most of their friends as the chores are split between oldest 3 DC's and me!!) Chores earn electronic privileges and pocket money. My 3yo uses a hand held Hoover and does HIS room, so what excuse can she have??!

Be in on time or be grounded for the next day.

Do your homework

Eat what I cook or don't eat, no alternatives, I don't cook what they don't eat, within reason (and her demands on food aren't reasonable right now, I'm not cooking chips every goddamn day)

Respect the fact that we have neighbours - no loud music, no screaming and shouting and banging.

Keep your room tidy - non negotiable. If it's not tidy on Saturday evening, expect to be grounded until it IS tidy. Goes for all of my DC's, the others have no problem dealing with this rule, even my physically disabled 10yo with SN's!

Accept that we have very limited income.

It's not that much.

Really sorry to hear this is happening, Couthy

She's out. She definitely hasn't gone to school. (School have. Rung to confirm)

Have been to toy shop and got DS3's presents, have to go pick him up from preschool soon.

I hid the laptop, took the house phone and her mobile out, had my iPad with me, and my mobile.

So even if she came back in, she has no access to internet, fb or telephone.

I'm not going to stress about where she is - she's wearing warm clothing (not school uniform), she's got £1 that she can buy chips with, she took some junk food with her... So she's not going to starve and she's not going to freeze.

I WON'T let her selfishness ruin DS3's 3rd Birthday - it's the first one he understands what a birthday is all about.

School said I should phone the police - I told them that if she's not back by 5pm then I will, but in the meantime, I will be focussing on DS3's birthday.

It's hard to be this hard-faced, but the fact that she's doing this on her baby brother's birthday shows such staggering lack of thought and just pure total selfishness that I'm washing my hands of it, for today at least.

I can now see why you see some parents on the tv who don't give a shit what their DC's do - in the end, the only way to save what remains of your sanity is to detach.

If that makes me look like a crap parent, then so be it, but I have to put my younger DC's first here.

I agree. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. Is she back yet?

Hi couthy. Did she come back? Hope you are doing ok and DS enjoyed his birthday.

She came back at 4pm, "for a piss". She stayed while my mother was here too see DS3, as it's his Birthday.

Almost as soon as my mother had left, she asked to use the home phone. When she was told no, she started yelling and shouting and kicking stuff. On his bloody birthday.

So I told her to shut up or fuck off.

Which was rather stupid of me...as she did.

She left at 8.18, hasn't had dinner yet. I was hoping she would be back by now, but she's not.

(I fell asleep due to my meds, on the sofa, Ex was cooking a late dinner due to having had family round...)

Soooo, I'm just about to call the police to go and find her. I can't do anything as I'm in too much pain from my hip, back and neck, and Ex needs to deal with DC's. Neither of us drive, and as earlier she literally walked right across town and back (4 mikes each way!!), I'm a bit worried!

Have you phoned round her friends ?
She will be holed up somewhere.

Don't have most of her friends numbers, she's made new (crappy) friends in the last 6 months.

Earlier, she just sat in the park 4 miles away all day on her own.