Just Surf, feat Lost and The Small Mercies

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Hello and welcome to our support thread for anyone struggling with cocaine. Whether you want to quit, cut down or are someone whose life is affected, all welcome.
We offer non judgemental advice, tips, some silly chat and most importantly lots of support and encouragement.

Come and join and we'll all help each other surf the urges!

I'm not going to bother trying to surf whilst DH is away... too much of an opportunity. I'd already made my mind up to have a splash , it's only a strange quirk of fate that means it wasn't tonight but I'd rather wait til the kids are gone tomorrow anyway and he has the stuff in now.
I can sometimes stop at one of two lines if I have practical constraints but it's by no means guaranteed!
Hope everyone else is doing better than me!

Oh no! You sounded so determined. But I do understand. Obvs.

I found this thread ages ago, when my dh admitted 'dabbling' for twenty years. We've been living together longer than that. And heavy use over the last two years. He was so defensive and angry with me. Only concealed it because I wouldn't approve, which isn't really fair, because I have old friends who do it without me saying anything apart from how much they jabber on.

Because of the deception it makes me feel like I don't want him to take it again. I'm scared the whole time that he will, that doing Coke will mean more to him than me.

I know there is another poster here who does it behind her dh but honestly it's worse to find out you've been made a mug of.

Good luck all. Keep surfing.

Thanks Rosemary. I agree, the secrecy is awful and it's something i'm very ashamed of.
I hope your dh can be open with you, particularly as it sounds as though his use has escalated recently. It must have been a horrible shock

Your dH coming clean is a good first step. His anger will be a mask for his guilt shame and sadness. It is shit for you of course as you have done nothing wrong but if you can try not to judge or be angry it will really help you both.

Hi guys hope you are all well and managed to surf this weekend

Well I ended up on an out of control bender, went to a dark dark place. Thought I was in danger of ODing but still couldn't stop had to flush some away which I never do, as I thought if I did any more it might send me over the edge.

Husband coming back in a few hours and I've only had 4 hours sleep since he left. I think I will have to tell him, but I might downplay how much I have had.

I'm determined to quit now.. I think I have just given in too easily to coke brain before, thinking what's the use in resisting it always wins in the end. I'm going to do the rational recovery thing properly this time.

I hate the thought of not being able to quit, it's quite scary. I've promised to quit twice now in the last month and not made it. Maybe I just haven't fought hard enough. Or maybe after many years of broken promises to myself I just don't believe I can do it anymore?

Be kind to yourself gal tomorrow is another day. Maybe write down the reasons to quit but get yourself back into a good place first. Sending a hug.

Can I just ask if you were on your own the whole time?

Hi Ponz

Most of the time, yes. I went out for a few drinks with a friend last night. I told her I'd had a bit of charlie (we used to go to raves in our youth together so she is no stranger to class As)

It wasn't even that much fun to be honest I don't think it is these days.

Had enough!

Thanks Lost. I know full well all the reasons to quit, my problem isn't motivation to quit, it's being taken over by 'coke brain' .

The rational recovery approach does seem to work well for a lot of people I think I just need to do it wholeheartedly and learn the techniques for defusing the addictive voice.

I didn't tell DH by the way. The one good thing about coke (out of many bad things) is that you can go from 'too fucked to speak to anyone' to 'able to pass for normal' in about 4 hours or so depending on quantity taken, so by the time they all arrived home I was (outwardly) fine.

Thanks Lost and Ponz I've found your responses really insightful and helpful.

Anyone out there?

Hi Ponz hope you're alright?
I'm still bobbing about on my board. Nearly up to 3 weeks clean here.

Having a rubbish Easter hols. The weather is dreadful. I've also developed an addiction to box sets on Netflix.

Big love to fellow surfers x

Hi All,

Well done lost 3 weeks is great! I've been feeling sorry for myself this week as I got ill after my last episode, just an ear infection but it must be related to snorting as I get then quite commonly after doing that. Husband still doesn't know despite all the clues being there.

Anyway after the horrors of the last time I have decided to definitely quit and not even been tempted since. I really have no desire to do coke and want to focus on getting healthy and building my life back up and being there for my kids.

Dealer been hassling me but I told him I'd ran out of money.

Let's hope I can do it this time!

how you doing ponz?

I'm surfing on. No supply so can't get high! Worried about my gin Intake tho.

Great going lost that's awesome ...

Apparently I was doing rational recovery wrong last time, in that I was arguing with 'coke brain'.

The way to do it according to the experts over on the sober recovery website, is to acknowledge but not engage with the addictive voice. So rather than arguing that you don't want to, can't afford it, not a good time etc and coke brain coming back with justifications, it's better just to notice the addictive voice and say to yourself 'ah there's the addictive voice again, badgering away at me to try and get a foothold. It mustn't realise I've really given up this time, but it will sink in eventually....'

A lot of people on sober recovery have used this approach with alcohol and found, once they got the hang of it, that its worked really well. But it only works if you've had your last line/drink ever, otherwise as far as the addictive voice goes it's only a matter of time til you give in so why not now.

Apparantly once you start arguing with the voice though all is lost....

I'm hoping this thread is quiet because everyone's being good and surfing!

I have not even been remotely tempted by the thought of getting anything in. It's easy to say 'I'll never do it again' on the comedown but now a week later I've still got no desire to do any and still want to do long term abstinence. I was worried coke brain would come back but it hasn't.. either because I've finally decided deep down to quit or because of the rational recovery approach I've been implementing.

I got my bank statement and realised how much money I've spent recently on that stupid stuff. whilst it hasn't got me in debt, what I tend to end up doing is raiding my savings every few months so my savings never actually increase (I put a set amount in every month when I get paid but this then gets used to bale out my current account so I'm effectively not saving much at all). I could have so much in savings by now if I'd never touched the stuff!

I reckon I've spent around 1k this year alone and probably between 2-4k each of the past 4 years.

Plus how ill it made me! I've only just got over this ear infection/cough which is definitely a low energy/immune system thing as a result of staying up 2 days on stims.

No, I feel like I'm finally waking up to how much of an illusion the coke high is and how it's so not worth it factoring in the risks to health, wealth and general emotional fallout of the comedown. I want to try and do stuff with my life now rather than chase an illusory, artificial high.

How are you doing ponz lost anyone else?

I'm ok. Thanks for asking!
Glad you're feeling better gal. I understand the havoc this stuff wreaks on your body. I often get awful migraines and sinus pain. All related to the old faithful white horse if I'm honest.

That said, I've really been struggling. I just miss it so much and been feeling really down without it lately. You think your life will be much improved without drugs, then realise actually it's pretty shit . I could scream with how bored I am with reality.

I've been avoiding this thread lately just because it was making my cravings worse

Hopefully I can come out the other side of this shit and start getting high on life. Fuck it's difficult though!
So sorry for the moan. Love that I can vent to you lot, you're all brilliant.

Sorry to hear your struggling lost. I know what you mean about how this thread can be triggery at times!

I think I've realised that whilst life is dull off the coke it's not that much less dull on it, for me. Doing it on my own wasn't that much fun. I don't really have any using friends any more and whilst DH will use it with me we are both trying to move on really.

I would recommend the rational recovery approach where you dissociate between you and the addictive voice. It's a bit hard to get your head round at first tho. I went on the sober recovery boards which showed how other people had used this approach mainly with alcohol but it's all the same really.

I can't guarantee it won't come back but it's good not to have coke brain nagging in my ear at the moment!

Anyone watching C5?
Britain's Cocaine Epidemic...I'm recording it, will review soon

Hello everyone. I'd just thought I'd come back to apologise for neglecting this thread. It's bothering me that I've been rude to all you lovely people.

I'm struggling with it at the moment and getting all messed up regularly. I'm not the person to lead this thread in a good direction but hope to return when I get my head out of my arse.
This thread really helped me face up to my addiction and admit I had a problem so I'd love for it to continue. If anyone would like to take the helm you are more than welcome

I'd love to hear how you're all doing and still have my case packed for our Columbian road trip

Hey lost sending a hug to you. Unsure why the thread lost momentum. I'm 4 months clean with one blip. Still drinking too much but feel better on the c#ke front. Had huge life stresses going on. I think you were right we can veer to triggering each other and also making excuses for our use on here. I know I would come on for some validation after a binge. Having said that the thread also made me giggle a lot and I think you are a brilliant sassy clever lady. Hope you can dig deep and find some real life support. I considered PM ing you when I saw this last night but I don't know how! Sending love, anyway x

Sorry you're having a stressful time at the moment Ponz. You're doing bloody brilliantly, keep it up. Throwing a big hug back to you too.

Surf on surfers.

Hello lovelies Lost and Ponz, I've missed you ladies. Sorry you're struggling at the moment Lost, at least you recognise this and can hopefully pull yourself out of it. Sometimes you need to do something a little too much so that you get sick and tired of it and stop. And Ponz, well bloody done on 4 months!!

I'm seeing Mr Rehab on a regular basis and we've just had our first clean weekend, we went to a museum . Not sure if it will work out as he still has his other issues but worth a try. Don't think I'm the right person to lead this thread either but would love to check in every so often and see how everyone is getting on. I wonder how our Serial is?

Love to all, miss you lot xxx

Great stuff Hooch lovely update and good luck with Mr Rehab
We're all coming to your wedding. #Partyofthecentury