Just Surf, feat Lost and The Small Mercies

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Hello and welcome to our support thread for anyone struggling with cocaine. Whether you want to quit, cut down or are someone whose life is affected, all welcome.
We offer non judgemental advice, tips, some silly chat and most importantly lots of support and encouragement.

Come and join and we'll all help each other surf the urges!

It's hard gear though isn't it? That's where will power is needed - and I don't know about you but I have none. And once I'm in it I'm totally on it.

Yeah, the problem with will power is that coke brain (the addiction) will harness my will to get me to switch to the other side! Then my will is to use, rather than stop. Very confusing.

I know deep down that it's a trick, I've tricked my brain over many years into seeking out this short cut to happiness which causes far more misery and unhappiness overall... the trick's on me now isn't it. I keep thinking logically I know there's no point in getting high. It won't be as great as I imagine it, and the aftermath will be terrible and then I'll just be back where I started, but with a comedown and money down the drain...

Do you mind me asking how long you've been using coke Serial? I feel like a veteran, dabbled for 10 years or so but was more into E (could take or leave coke), then really got into it properly about 10 years ago and had some bad years, some better years (when pregnant/no source) and then the past four years or so been dipping in and out a few months on a few months off but never continuously clean more than 3 months or so.

So it feels very ingrained, and almost like I can't take my own efforts to stop seriously. But I have ditched my party friends recently, which is something.

On and off I've dabbled for a fair bit along with other drugs. At times (when pregnant and having small kids etc) I've been totally clean for years. Serious/problematic use? 3/4 years or so at least I guess.

And yes, like you I do a few months on and a few months off.

I always thought I'd just grow out of it like I did other drugs...I used to do all the other mainstream drugs ie weed/e's/speed but just grew out of them as I got older/my lifestyle changed. Cocaine's the only one that seemed to get a hold on me.. now I'm way past the point where I should have let it go.

Hey serial great to 'see' you! Well done on 2 weeks surfing and well done gal too for fighting temptation. I'm like you gal was never that interested in coke was more an E and pot girl then sneaky old coke got me whilst I was bored and knackered and bringing up the kids. Seemed like a little stairway to heaven amidst the boring old drudgery. Then became a secret vice almost every night to keep me going and roll another boring evening in glitter. Of course it's just really all about me and my (in) ability to manage my feelings and life properly. I'm also ( if I admit it) a problem drinker abs should quit that completely too but life without booze seems unthinkable. What's your relationship with booze gal I don't know if you've mentioned it? What about you serial?

And shout out to lost are you out there love?

Hi ponzu. Well, booze I can take it or leave it, it often just makes me feel sleepy and groggy (if I take it without coke). I will drink it if I go out, a few glasses of wine or whatever, but not at home. If I'm coked up, I can enjoy booze without that groggy feeling which is probably partly how I got in to it.

HOWEVER my other big addiction is food.. junk food in particular and I've had lots of problems due to this. I don't have an off switch when it comes to sugar/processed carbs and seem to veer between bingeing and gaining weight and then cutting out the carbs and losing weight. Particularly after a coke binge, I can turn to junk food to stave off the comedown (something to do with dopamine depletion I think) so I do actually find that I gain weight when I'm in one of my coke using phases. Another reason to stop.

The rational recovery guy has written a book about using his approach with overeating, called 'taming the feast beat'' which I've just ordered off amazon. So maybe I can use the same approach, of seeing it as not coming from 'me' and then resisting. I'm going to try.

It's just occured to me that if I can manage to give up coke whilst I do have his number, this will be much more meaningful than in the past where I've deleted the number and not been physically able to access it. As I'll have to make a decision every day that it's not worth doing as opposed to just waiting until I have the opportunity to get it again which is what's happened in the past.

Just have to hope I can make that decision though! I feel like I'm constantly wavering between coke brain and me. I'm pretty sure I have the upper hand at the moment but it can switch in an instant.

Hello all and Yo Serial we thought you'd fucked off to Columbia

constantly wavering is my usual M.O.. It's always there in my head.
Surfed out the rest of the weekend and now at work feeling surprising bright eyed and bushy tailed (for a 40 something) I have downed a coffee and 2 espresso shots though.

Maybe you should just switch to snorting coffee Lost as serial suggested!

Lordy that sounds messy. I'd get some puzzled looks at work with my brown moustache.

Can I just say how great it is to meet some like minded souls on this thread. Although I wouldn't wish a love affair with the devil's dandruff on anyone, it does help to feel like I'm not the only person in the world who does this (to excess, I know a lot of people who can do a little bit and keep it under control, well that's how it seems).

I feel like i have a running tape in my head today on repeat:
Cokebrain: You could go and pick up
Me: No, I don't really want to

FFS there is so much more to life! So many more things for me to spend my time and money on!

It's hard work living with the constant devil on your shoulder eh? #mental load!

I agree it does help to speak to others on here feeling the same. My habit is hidden from most people in real life; my extended family, work colleagues, a lot of my friends. The secrecy is an awful weight to bear sometimes.

Keep strong Gal x

Yes, the devil seems to have taken up permanent residence on my shoulder at the moment... and his dandruff.

I know what you mean about having a secret double life. Sometimes I look at the people I work with and think - 'if only you knew!' Like when they ask what I've done at the weekend.

What I've found is that it's quite easy to get away with comedowns and the like as no one ever suspects a thing.... why would they?

Coke brain is still nagging me to pick up, but FFS its a normal tuesday evening and I have absolutely no reason to do that and about a thousand reasons not to. I'm afraid that if I give in, that really means I'm out of control and how ever will I get free of it then?

Gal stay strong and remember all the reasons you cane in here - palpitations , fear for your health and Kids, your mental health. That's my problem too I stay clean and feel good and think ' what harm can it do I deserve it now , a gift to me for not using'. How mad is that? Total self sabotage. We are indeed complex beasts. I like sometime to imagine I am watching myself and my argument with myself about it, dissociate a bit. It does help.

Waves to lost serial and hooch. Love you guys x

How was that for a Freudian slipcane instead of came 😂😂

He he classic Ponz

I know that phenomenon too- it must have a name, rewarding yourself for not using Mine usually hits at 2 weeks where I'll not only reward myself but convince myself it'll be a one off this time and I'll get myself to bed by 12 ..

Morning all!
I resisted, felt so good to wake up today with a straight head particularly as I have stuff to do. Feels good to be able to say 'no' to it too.
I think I'm entering very choppy waters as DH is taking the kids to his parents tomorrow for a few days... so there'll be no one at home for me to be accountable to. I think that's why cokebrain's been so active lately, trying to capitalise on this.

Funny how you describe watching yourself ponz that's one of the exact techniques in rational recovery! He says not to engage too much in argument/discussion with the addictive voice but to kind of detach from it and observe it.

Well done gal that is brilliant. Balls of steel award as lost would stay and double bubble if you get through a childfree weekend ! Make the decision not to pick up and stick to it. Try organising some self care / pampering? Hairdo, nails, massage, whatever is your thing?

Er.. can I give back the award? it was too much realising I'd have the house to myself for 3 days so I'm very sorry to announce I've succumbed. Not had any yet but gone to meet the man. And he's sodding late!

DH doesn't go away with the kids very often blah blah blah excuse excuse excuse lie lie lie....

Ah well I got thru one day. Once I get the thought in my head it feels like I'm hanging of a cliff edge, clinging on, fingers losing strength.

I've had a strange sort of reprieve.. his supplier's let him down, has broken down just out of town. So it's off for tonight. I thought I'd be really bothered, but I'm not. Means I get to get a good night's sleep.

Oh a funny turn of events there gal. Glad you've made peace with not getting any. I think I'd be crying tears of disappointment! Don't be too hard on yourself. There will be bumps in the road.

Balls it's Fate award (?) winging it's way to you.

I think these next couple of days will be very danger zoney indeed for you though. My advice (fwiw) is to make loads of plans, keep busy, hell take up knitting!

You're not alone today. I've been fantasising about a fat line all day, arguing in my head and feeling really irritable from craving arrghh.

And I've been thinking about finally making a London coke connection as we have very rare night without Kids coming up... I've avoided since my mate moved out of town. Arghhhhhhh. Handing out armbands and surfboards to you all.

Sounds like we're all having a wobbly time. Everything feels a bit dreary at the moment and the weather's shit..moan moan.. Once you get the seed of longing planted in your head it's so hard to be sensible.

Arrghh we're all starting to sound like pirates.
Going to take myself off to bed.