Just Surf, feat Lost and The Small Mercies

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Hello and welcome to our support thread for anyone struggling with cocaine. Whether you want to quit, cut down or are someone whose life is affected, all welcome.
We offer non judgemental advice, tips, some silly chat and most importantly lots of support and encouragement.

Come and join and we'll all help each other surf the urges!

Hope we all managed to surf last night! Having that text from localdealer did unsettle me, and coke brain did start to think about getting some at the weekend but I woke up this morning and thought, you know what, I don't need that shit in my life and it'll just fuck me up. What I want is to get clean and recalibrate my reward centre.

The thing is, and only a coke addict would understand this, I just can't get rid of the number. So I've agreed to a compromise with myself - I'm going to delete the number out of my phone but before doing so write it on a slip of paper and hide the number somewhere I only go occasionally. That way it's not completely gone but I can't access it spontaneously. Realistically, the only place i can put it is my mother's house. I'm over there a couple of times a month or so. If I get to the point where I can destroy it completely I will do but this seems like the best compromise.

There's probably people reading this who have never had a 'coke brain' who are thinking just get rid of the number if you don't want to do it! And that makes logical sense but these things aren't always that logical.

Anyway I woke up today resolutely not wanting to go and score or get any, which seeing as I just had the number for a local contact fall into my lap is progess I'd say.

How are you doing today lost and ponz*?

Hi all... to newcomers.

Have been surfing a lot lately... definitely turned a corner. Down to about 3 or 4 times a month and much smaller quantities.

Dh and I shared a half the other day... big contrast to when it was a g or g and a half 5/6 nights a week(!) Sometimes it was 2 or 2 and a half.. ffs

Sorry for the silence, I sometimes get scared that writing about the stuff will make me want some but I think I'm over the worst of the cravings. Have also completely stopped the cigs

Sounds really cheesy but we have been on lots of family days out and changing our lifestyle. My skin and teeth and unrecognizable and I've lost weight too.

Just hope I can keep it up...

Sending you all lots of positive weekend vibes

Great to hear from you Cleaning

You're doing great. Changing your lifestyle is probably key and it's brilliant that Mr.C is on board too. It's not easy but it sounds as though you're seeing benefits already.
I must admit sharing half a g is hardly worth it. One line each?!
Anyway great progress x

I'm coping ok with the Danger Zone. Keeping it classy here with fish and chips, lager and a film and hopefully an early night.

Good tidings to all you lovely fellow surfers.

Oh and hope your Hide the Phone Number idea went to plan Gal.
It's difficult to totally cut off mentally eh?

I just hope your mum doesn't throw it away or ring it
Keep strong x

I'm drinking a can of g&t on a train. Classy! Dreaming a bit of a Friday night line but I'm all out Of supply and I'll feel a million times better for it tomorrow.

Might time we all channelled a bit of yoga time ladies. 💚

Yoga TIM. Grrr. Predictive text !

Tinnies on the Friday night train? Rock on Ponz

Good shout, let's all remember how great we'll feel in the morning.
I walked to work and ran home today so if I attempted yoga my legs would probably fall off.
I don't mind a Yoga Tim pic though. Ah Lovely bendy Tim.

ha ha well the phone number thing went sort of to plan. I decided to delete it completely.. but to go pick up first. I couldn't not! Naughty I know. so I got 2g in but now the number is definitely deleted until the next time he changes it.

I had a little bit on the sly from DH last night and it was horrible. (the on the sly part that is not the coke). Never felt so paranoid and shady. I'm out tonight with a friend but may dip in later and fear up to DH. If I tell him it was a one off and I've deleted the number hopefully he won't worry.

Personally the only way I can manage it is to manage the supply. if it's available, I'll succumb.

Oh dear perhaps we can call that a farewell to the phone number party Gal. It's mad how we can all be so resolute one day and crumble the next.
No point dwelling though. I think we've all had our fair share of false starts and hiccups on our surfboards.
Well done for having the balls to delete the number.

Have a good not too good evening out with your friend!

For you Ponz

Yeah part of me wishes I'd not deleted it but I know from bitter experience life will go downhill quickly if I don't... not to mention my bank balance. When I ditched it in September I was like why didn't I do this earlier! problem solved! It may be that every time he changes it I'll do a celebratory pick up and delete. Horrible really how strong the addiction is that I can go from not wanting it to succumbing so quickly but that's what happens when you tap into your reward system with a drug, it's so reinforcing that it's just like you have to seek it out even though you know it's the last thing you need...

Lost 🙏

How you doing all?

Gal I'm just the same if I have it I'll use it you need to close down all suppliers to have a serious go at clean I reckon.

I'm hungover. Replacing with booze. Again

Hi everyone and well done to those who just had a few drinks last night, or indeed nothing at all. I did indulge and DH joined in. He really can take it or leave it. Makes me feel slightly less guilty anyway.

Well, reading rational recovery has helped I think in that I now think of myself as me (non coke brain) and coke brain.. so (and this is very much rational recovery terminology) it's not ME who wants to get high, but coke brain. And that made it easier to delete the number because I feel like I'm not denying my self, but defeating coke brain. If that makes any sense at all to anyone? I just need to work up the strength to delete the out of town number now - I've been using that number since 2010 so it feels a bit more of a wrench.

Anyways well done to those who abstained last night.

Hey gal my dP isn't bothered either, except to go to the odd party but def not on a night In at home. He thinks we're too old for that and always preferred mdma to coke back in the day. As did I. I got into as someone literally offered it to me in the pub 5 years ago and I was bored with parenting. And have struggled since except the dealer has moved out of town so much easier now.

I do get what you are saying about coke brain. I think it would be a risky strategy for me as I might blame coke brain and exonerate myself?

How are you feeling today?

Hi Ponz.. feeling like a coke addict actually... I really do feel like I should have listened when they said 'just say no' in grange hill. Actually for the first 10 years of my drug taking career I could take or leave coke, and never thought it would get a hold of me. I was more in to ecstacy in those days. Then one day it turned - I moved to a town on the south coast known for its love of partying and the coke scene there is massive.

I think the whole point of coke brain/rational recovery is that you blame coke brain and exonerate yourself, that way you are fighting against an enemy which isn't you.... the biology supports this as in rational recovery he says you literally have two brains - the mid brain and the neocortex, and the midbrain never gets the message that you want to quit but sends urges that get converted into thoughts and actions in the neocortex or higher brain.

Coke brain took over this week - that's the basis of addiction I reckon. Not wanting to do it but not being able to stop.

I have struggled in the past with the concept of total abstinence, always wanting to be able to indulge at parties and special occasions but I'm beginning to see that that doesn't work not for me anyway. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Polished off the last of the stash last night and have decided total abstinence is the way to go. I'm reinventing myself as a Person Who Does Not Do Drugs. Have taken the 2 other dealers (not local) numbers out of my phone although the older one I gave to DH and said he could do what he wanted with it as I couldn't bear to lose it completely. I'm rarely in that location anyway these days.

I think I said on here the other day that if someone could wave a magic wand and make me a normal person who didn't do drugs on the basis that I never did them again, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. Well I'm going to wave that wand myself, if I can. I don't really have any drug mates anymore, in the past that always stopped me stopping completely as I'd go away for mad drug benders every few months back to the place where I started all this. And then my attempts to stop were never serious as I knew I'd be doing that again in the not too distant future.

In the past I always shied away from total abstinence. It's taken a lot to get me to see that it's all or nothing, as I used moderately for so long(about 10 years) before my use became problematic. Also I think there's something about not letting go completely. But this stuff gets an insane psychological grip on you so there's no halfway measures..

Morning all

Hopefully you can move on from your blip gal and get back on track. You sound very determined!
I'm concerned that if I eradicate my coke brain I won't have much brain left though

In answer to your question, yes I struggle with imagining my life with no coke in it at all. I envy people who can take it or leave it, just doing a line at the odd party. I've gone too far with it to do that. One line inevitability turns into some sort of bender.

That said, I managed to stay on board all weekend so feeling bright even though the clocks have gone forward!

Ponz Hope you're feeling better after the booze x

Morning all. I agree about all or nothing gal. I totally see that some people can take it or leave it, odd line, odd fag, odd beer. Not me. I have to smoke 30 drink the bottle and take all the pills. If I wasn't hiding the coke from dP I'd do all of that too. I do think it's largely down to personality. And possibly will power. So I think it's total abstinence because the alternative is a constant, exhausting battle against taking it. I think that is what rational recovery is all about. Make the decision not to use and then you don't have to use the fight every hour of every day. It's done. If I am absolutely honest it's what I need to do with booze.

Well done for surfing the weekend lost. Bet you feel a million times better for it.

Ps. Losing that hour this am is a sin in the arse.

A sin in the arse sounds a bit depraved I'm not into that sort of thing

He he sorry, I know what you mean bloody clocks! At least it's officially "British summer time" Brrr..

Yes well done Lost. Morning ponz

It's weird about the all or nothing mentality as I only really have it with coke. Booze I can take it or leave it. With coke I can go on these long godawful benders where I just keep going. I think my record is four days. I was at a festival and the guy in the tent next door just happened to be selling 90% pure coke.

I did read rational recovery last year and wasn't ready to stop completely. there's a bit in the book where he says, if you're not ready to completely stop then own that decision and go and enjoy getting loaded until you do. And at the time I thought, no I'm not ready and I have this party and that party on the horizon and I can't possibly go and not get fucked. So there was that thing of not wanting to let go completely.

This time I am really up for it. It really helps thinking of coke brain/non coke brain as in the past I'd be thinking I do and I don't want to give up. Now it's like - I do and coke brain doesn't.. but I'm not coke brain so I just need to cut off all routes to supply so that coke brain doesn't get the upper hand! Once I get a craving, and there's a practical way of obtaining, all is lost as coke brain will take over.. so it's about putting in stops to prevent that eventuality.

Actually that's exactly what happened when I got the text from local dealer earlier this week. Against my better intentions all I could think about was using. I was away at a conference with work and it was all I could think of and by the time the conference ended I just knew I had to go and score. Total takeover of my will.

Feeling grotty, tired and slightly remorseful today but interestingly I haven't done the whole 'I hate myself' comedown thing. I used to literally beat myself up with guilt and shame. This time there's a sense of 'I know I've got a problem and I'm in too deep, but I just have to figure out a way to get the control back'. I think realising I can't have my cake (coke?) and eat it in terms of giving up but still having occasional indulgences is a good step forward. Looking back, every time I've given up before there's then been some special occasion a few months later that's then completely got me back to where I started.

Local dealer texted again yesterday.. so I replied saying 'look mate I've quit and I'm deleting your number please don't send me any new numbers.'

I never thought before to politely ask a dealer not to contact me again but saw on this thread that someone had done that, with positive results, some time ago.

I've made what rational recovery call the 'big plan' (commitment to abstinence') where you declare 'I'll never use again.. and I'll never change my mind'. It's important to use the word 'never' apparantly.. any fear/anxiety this brings up is then identified as the 'beast' (what I call coke brain).

Feeling positive today about my new life as a non drug taker. I can't ever take them again, but hopefully won't want to either. Coke's a big con really, the amount of pain for the amount of pleasure is not worth it. When I think of all the money/time/brain cells I've wasted....

How is everyone else today? I think I'm the only one who succumbed this weekend so hopefully you are feeling better than me this morning!

Well done gal that is brilliant. All strength to you! Working today but love to all. I'm feeling ok been clean a month but if dealer appeared in town I'd struggle. Mine is also a good mate so I don't really have the never contact me again option. Or do I?

I guess if they're a good mate that complicates things. You have to decide whether its worth giving them up as a mate if you want to say goodbye to coke forever.

I'm lucky in a way, I had a big falling out with my drug mates in the other city, and not spoken since. That always held me back before as going there for the weekend was my escape and I couldn't quite let go.. a year ago I'd been clean for three months but then broke it to go to see my mates, and that sent me right back in to the thick of my addiction for 6 months. So I think I'd have had to give up my mates anyway which obviously isn't an issue now.

If you're happy to just get it occasionally off your mate, and don't feel the need for 'forever abstinence' then stay as you are.. it's only very recently I've got into the concept of forever abstinence after many relapses.