I stopped dyeing my hair in 2021… but it makes me utterly miserable. Should I stick it out or dye it again?

[Greyyyybeornot]

I am about 30-40% grey, all the front of my head. I stopped dyeing it in 2021 because the dyeing every 10 days was driving me crazy. And I also wanted to normalise going grey.

(I’m 45, for context.)

Anyway, I think about my hair NON STOP. I hate having grey hair. It makes me feel so old and ugly. I want to not be ageist and like it , but I’m finding it hard.

I also really don’t want to go back to dyeing it every two weeks and those tiny silver roots looked awful.

What would you all advise?

How to I either come to terms with being grey at 45? Or do I just go dark brown again?

Help!!! It’s really bothering me. I think about it nonstop. I’m sometimes surprised by my reflection / photos of me (and not in a good way).

At one point, the hairdresser gave me highlights which made me blondish, which also didn’t feel like “me”.

I miss my almost-black hair. It felt part of my identity for so long!

Anyone been through the same?

Tricky. My mum had gorgeous, almost-black hair and went grey young—tough combination (I've inherited my dad's hair, which is not as nice, but isn't greying much yet).

What's your cut like? I think a striking, bold haircut is a good way to ride out the greying years—it says, "fuck you, I'm middle aged, what are you going to do about it?", rather than "argh, my face is melting".

I’m in a very similar position. After I year of no dye I caved and my hairdresser put in some brown highlights. So not covered the grey but kind of broken it up. She said work with the grey not work against it. I certainly wouldn’t be dying it every two weeks. I do contemplate going blonde but don’t think it would suit

If you want to go brown again then do it! It’s your hair and so do what feels right for you - if you didn’t like the style you’d change it in a heartbeat, so why not the colour? I don’t get this idea that grey should be embraced either - no amount of funky hair cuts and bright lippy will change the fact that I don’t like it as a colour and having seen other women with my skin and eye colouring sporting grey hair I know blonde highlights and lowlights suits me better.

Could you give yourself 6 months of brown and see what you think? If it feels too much in terms of upkeep then you can rethink - perhaps darker highlights but not blonde?

I never embraced the grey and I'm still dyeing my hair at age 68.

I'd dye it again if I were you, OP.

Grey hair is so ageing.

Go for it! Treat yourself by going to a good hairdresser and getting them to do it for you. I don't get the ' embrace the grey' trend....I'm never going to stop colouring my hair!

I've just been talking to my hairdresser about grey hair. Mine's short and naturally grey - salt and pepper but lighter front and top and I love it, far more freeing than dyeing my roots every couple of weeks. He's just been telling me he has a client who isn't ready to be fully grey, but who doesn't want the frequent maintenance of all over colour. She's been getting subtle highlights every few months instead. Have a chat with your hairdresser or go and see a hairdresser to discuss your options.

There are no rules - do what works for you and you are comfortable with.

Find a reasonable cost mobile hairdresser to come to your house and put highlights in every month / six weeks. Doesn’t take that long, then you always have nice hair and can easily change it up a bit as they come so often

I'm 70 and I still colour mine - I hate grey. My only concession was that I gradually went over from brown to blonde - I love it.

I've been blending it in with special shampoo! I use the Plantur 39 brown shampoo - www.superdrug.com/hair/shampoo/colour-protect-shampoo/plantur-39-colour-brown-phyto-caffeine-shampoo-conditioner/p/mp-00014386?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw8--2BhCHARIsAF_w1gxG4TZhddRk4GrpwPnl-fCgsC2n9N-VUCtcKYSCk1wMkfzTAdkAe0MaAo14EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

It just tints the greys so they look a little more blonde and blend in with the rest of my dark brown hair.

I use that twice a week, and in between I use John Frieda Defy Grey. It's really working well for me at the moment, and lots easier than regularly dying it.

I think the answer is dying it but not as dark as you had it before. Go for something like a medium ash brown - it’ll be less ageing but also less noticeable than dark hair / grey roots.

Ageing is so ageing. Plenty of people are fooling no one with their dyed hair: they look every bit their age! We should embrace ageing not denigrate it.

What's your colouring apart from the hair? Eyes/skin? I'm sure there must be many other options between grey, blonde and almost black!

Grey is great for some people and not others. We're all different. If you feel better with it dyed then dye it.

Feminism is about having choices. 😊

At home dye - just find the right one. Cheap, easy to touch up at the beginning of a bath and a rinse off at the end. Add about ten mins to the process. Having seen what friends pay for their ok results from mine I won’t be going to a salon anytime soon.

Feminism is also about understanding why we make the choices we do. As many of the responses on this thread show, ageism is alive and thriving. Women dye their hair because they don’t like the way they look and think they’ll stay looking younger, ergo younger is somehow better than older.
We’re all subjected to such nonsense. We all buy into the anti wrinkle, anti grey, anti ageing story because that’s what’s pushed on us from every angle. It’s so depressing.

It's very tricky if it's virtually completely grey (or at least 40% grey.) It's hard to keep hiding it and a bit of a nuisance! No WAY would I have been 'embracing the grey' at 45 though. No WAY.

I'm fortunate to be nearly 60 and only be about 10% to 15% grey, so I'm easily able to just do it blonde or light brown. If I was much greyer - like 50% plus. I think I would just be having it mixed with mousey light browns and blondes. Hell will freeze over before I let it go completely grey.

And it is ageing ... I've seen a few women aged 40 to 60 who look 10 years older with grey hair ... (10 years older than their counterparts who have brownish or blonde hair.) I know it's not a 'cool' thing to say and people get really snippy and salty on here about it, but that is my honest opinion.

I look my age - late 50s - I am not deluded, I don't think I look 39 with the bits of grey dyed blonde/light brown. BUT, I reckon I'd look pretty close to 68 with grey hair.

I did see one woman in my village the other week, (who is 52 and has had dark brown hair for the 5 or 6 years I've known her.) Turns out she has been 100% grey since around 40-42, and has been dying it dark brown for almost a decade. I didn't see her for 6 or 7 months. and then I saw her the other week with completely silver grey hair, as she had decided to 'embrace the grey!' She genuinely looked a generation older. I was completely shocked. She went from looking 45 to looking 65.

I agree with this and is part of the reason I decided to stop dyeing it.

But the messages are deep and looking in the mirror really depresses me!

I want to embrace it, I’m just really struggling! And wonder if I should just dye it and let this be a problem for later. But I’ll have to face it one day! It’s just getting greyer!

You've tried being grey and it's making you unhappy, so change it! I agree with a pp that maybe a medium brown with a few highlights and very gradually go lighter to get more weeks between colours, if you can't face the upkeep of a dark brown.

I tried to grow out mine as like you was so fed up with the dying process. I got about 8 months in and gave up. I was so relieved and happy to to back to dark brown! Felt like me again!
Now I go to the hairdresser every month to have the roots done and use a touch up spray in between.
I also at one stage went lighter with lots of highlights to make the grey less noticeable in between getting my roots done.
I will never attempt to go grey again, it just didn't work for me.

If you don’t like it, you don’t like it - it doesn’t suit everyone.

I’d talk to a good hairdresser about dark highlights (lowlights?) to see if it’s less hassle, but if you prefer all brown then do - could you try using one of those roots stick things so you aren’t literally colouring every 2 weeks?

I have a skin tone that doesn't go particularly well with grey.

Dying for me, hasn't really ever been about looking younger, but what I like and what suits me.

I caved and started dyeing dark and it looked fucking terrible.

Had to go progressively lightly and now blend it with ash highlights all over - looks much better and I think has taken quite a few years off

Tell me does putting in highlights that often damage the hair? The longer hair will have lots and lots of highlights over each other. (I'm in the same situation as OP)

It’s important to be aware of all these messages, but the realty is some people look good w grey hair, and some don’t, depending on skintone.

once it’s really gone white it’s better I think but pepper and salt can be a killer, it’s easier for men because they close crop it.

No. Bleach is hard on the hair but you only need that to go very light. Mid blonde highlights don’t need bleach.