Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

I am sure many of us can relate. I am the same age, and fret a bit about my increasing stomach- I used to have abs of steel- and numerous chins.

I am not plain or dull though. I am pretty damn interesting, as long as people look beneath the surface. Luckily, those who love me, do.

I exercise, use Tret, and attempt to stay as healthy as I can. I am not planning to go down the injectables or Botox route; they are not for me. I do my best to focus on what I do rather than what I look like, because no one, absolutely no one, can hold back time.

I do a lot of stuff I enjoy now DC are grown, and I try to remember I will be looking back at this time with envy 20 years from now.

I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

Internalised misogyny - it's powerful stuff.

Yes, I never see middle aged men referring to themselves as plain and dull, though they may be overweight. Does Boris Johnson bumble about putting himself down? No, he thinks he is the cat's whiskers. Of course, it's hard to defy society's subliminal message that women owe pretty to the world.

Well, if fuck all fits you obviously need new clothes! No one’s going to be happy with their mirror in the wrong size clothes.

And must you wear a sundress you’ve worn for years? There are an awful lot of them in the shops right now. (Yes, COL - but you are the priority if you’re feeling like shit.)

When did you last visit a good hairdresser? (If relevant, appreciate it might not be.)

Honestly, I’m more than a decade ahead of you - and when every bloody thing else is unbelievably grim, I just stroke my enormous Marni cardigan or polish my fabulous boots (both of which garner compliments every time I leave the house) and rejoice that I can still have fun in the world. This:

the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

is something I never, ever feel. And nor should you. Nor should anyone.

I have been struggling with weight too, for some time.

Over the weekend, I met up with some friends, and pics were taken. I was shocked to see how stocky and certainly not flattering the dress I was wearing made me look. Mind you, this was a dress specially picked for the occasion, so I left the house feeling like I looked my best.

I was SO embarrassed, BUT after about 3 hrs of beating myself up, I decided to finally join the gym and try to be sensible with the cravings I get.

I'm taking it one day at a time and hope I can manage to shift enough lbs to at least resemble the old me.

No roper advice, but just a handhold to say you're not alone.

Following with interest. Saw a pic of myself at a wedding the other day. Fuck me it was depressing.

I realise this is S and B, but I have taken up a new hobby which consumes my mind so much I have no time to think about what I look like. I am quite good at it. Thinking you are dull is a self fulfilling prophecy.

Yep, internalised misogyny running deep.
It's more existential than an S&B issue. Where do we learn that perfectly normal looking older women are ugly, plain, dull etc. ? I recommend a good read of Hags by Victoria Smith.

I am probably 10 years older than you. I am definitely a few stone heavier than in my glory days. But yesterday walking down the street in a dress l bought for 14 euro a lady stopped and said you look stunning in that dress!! It is my colour. Buy clothes that fit. Buy colours that lift your eyes. Keep moving as exercise is the big boost to your confidence. I am not talking gyms/ marathons just walking/ tennis/ golf..you will be too busy to care what anyone thinks.

@CharlotteRumpling In my 50s I won a scholarship to study for an MA in a completely new (to me) subject. Emerged with a Distinction. Undertaking new and terrifying challenges really is a fillip for the spirit. Dropped two dress sizes too.

(And succeeded in convincing MNHQ that this forum needed a Mature Study and Retraining board. Which now exists.)

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

Is there anything you’ve always secretly wanted to do, @ArgumentativeAntithetical?

I have read that book. I'm fully aware, on an objective academic level, that I carry an enormous amount of internalised misogyny. I was brought up that way, to an extent, and obviously society has done a number on me as it has on many other women.

It doesn't change how I actually feel when I look in the mirror. I won't ever be ok with looking shit and feeling irrelevant, no matter how many books I read.

I start a PhD in Sept.

I'm in this space too, feel like I just don't look like 'me' anymore and also horrified at what my inner voice has to say about middle aged women.

I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit.

I honestly think this is complete bullshit and how you feel is totally normal. It's the type of thing said by women who are in a solid relationship or who are single/celibate and happy to remain so. Many many woman aren't in these categories and if you want to have attract a partner for a sexual relationship you have to be sexually attractive, which means conforming to the beauty standards of the era/country you live in.

We can tell ourselves our value doesn't lie in our looks as much as we like. Fact is, we are treated differently as we age or gain weight. Society in general responds more favourably to younger, slimmer, prettier women. If you used to be one and now aren't, it's natural to be upset by that.

Some people also find all the primping and preening of beauty processes to be a faff and a chore and those are the ones glad to be free of the expectations of it. For those of us for whom it's always been a bit of a hobby and we enjoyed seeing the end result, it hits differently. Although nobody is stopping us from doing all the beauty stuff, to not be able to achieve the end result no matter what is disappointing. Stopping the processes because it feels pointless isn't a freedom for those of us who enjoyed it, it's a loss.

I'm 60. I've been exercising regularly since my youngest started nursery 24 years ago. I eat healthily - porridge with seeds and blueberries for breakfast, salad, homemade soup or omelette for lunch and a reasonable portion home cooked dinner. I can't/won't eat any less than that and I've still put on weight in the last 10 years and hate seeing photos of myself. To me, I look fine in the mirror but in pictures there's someone much bigger looking. I'm a size 12 in clothes but am right at the top end of the normal BMI range. I think my solution is to avoid photographs!!

Yeah this! Just wow..

I start a PhD in Sept.

Congratulations!

But you’re rather previous with all the gloom - by Christmas you’ll have so many eager colleagues / collaborators / however your thing works breathless for every word you utter, you won’t give a fig how you look. Whilst probably looking fearsomely magnificent.

@IndianSummer78 Agree. I still do my make up and wash hair every day whether I’m going out or not. It’s something I’ve always done and I enjoy doing it and how much better it makes me look and feel. I’m no longer the size dress I was at 21 and I miss being young but I prefer the wisdom I have now x

I honestly think this is complete bullshit and how you feel is totally normal. It's the type of thing said by women who are in a solid relationship or who are single/celibate and happy to remain so. Many many woman aren't in these categories and if you want to have attract a partner for a sexual relationship you have to be sexually attractive, which means conforming to the beauty standards of the era/country you live in.

Yes, I suppose this is true. And of course society responds better to younger, prettier women. That's undeniable. I suppose where I am is that we can wallow a bit, but then we need to regroup and move on, if possible, and find something worthwhile. A Phd will help, but are you after S and B solutions, OP?

Well done @BetsyRegards.about the board.

Yes, I think you need to remind yourself that you don't actually have any need to look skinny, young and hot. None of those things are where your value as a person lie. But it's not silly or shallow to feel that way, there's every message in the world telling you that you ought to, but those messages are not in your interest.

Enjoy new challenges like the PhD and good luck with it

It doesn't change how I actually feel when I look in the mirror. I won't ever be ok with looking shit and feeling irrelevant, no matter how many books I read.

But you are the one that’s got yourself here, many of us have not because we’ve prioritised looking after our health and well-being and kept ourselves interested - certainly not because of the male gaze or because we don’t want to join the ranks of the ‘plain, dull, middle aged women’

I spied a picture on Alexa earlier and thought "ooh that's a gorgeous picture of my young, beautiful niece - didn't know I had that on there". Turned out it was me about 3 years ago 😭😭 ageing is shite.

Take up weight training/HIIT /bootcamp/bodyweight training. It changes how you think about your body. You start to care how string it is, what it is capable of, and you start to care about your posture. It gives body confidence, whatever size you are.

I need to take PPs advice too and get new clothes that fit my current body shape - focusing on cut and colour more than current fashion. And some very cool accessories.

I’m over two decades older than the OP. Unless you have the money to spend on yourself to combat ageing, I’m afraid it only gets worse!

It's shit once you got menopause and the collagen goes. Everything just heads south. If you are skinny or ages you, and if you are plump you then to flab. Botox can only stretch your forehead so high and filler in addition just makes you look even more distorted - and it's glaringly obvious compared to your neck and hands, as you age.
My solution has been to think fuck it; enjoy and accept the anonymity I now have and relish my kids being youthful and happy. And having a couple of puppies also takes my mind off things like flab and a disappearing neck.