Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

I am also 3 stone heavier but over 25 years of marriage. I was only about 8 stone when I married and am now a shade under 11. Honestly I think that's OK given I had 2 DC.

The problem comes when the man treats his wife like a companion but then still sleazes on young women, so does have a sex drive still.

That's absolutely not DH. I don't have any concerns that he's interested in other women.

I feel very loved by him, but I just don't think he finds me sexy. That's not his fault - I'm not!

And yes, I am almost 3 stone heavier than when I met DH. But we've been together a long time! I fast because I want to lose weight, but it doesn't make much difference.

My point was that I don't have shit lifestyle, I do try and look after myself but I'm struggling with the reality of ageing.

You don’t get to be 3 stone overweight when you’re looking after yourself and taking care of your body. You start a very derogatory post about the stereotypical middle aged women then refuse to see that the answer lies with you sorting it! Take control, nothing will change until you do.

Yes! They look bloody fabulous! And Diane Parish, although a whippersnapper at 54.

I think it does make other women feel bad when some extol the elixir of youth aka HRT, and they are for whatever reason unable to take it. In reality I’ve found those on it look no better than those who don’t. The ones who look good are those who realise the importance of spf, not smoking, alcohol, diet, and generally looking after themselves.

Obviously you arent

You have come back at posters saying Im this and that, implying you have it sussed, now you are admitting you havent

Thing is, as you age, everything changes. I could have eaten bread like theres no tomorrow once upon a time, I cant eat it now, I can barely tolerate it. I could eat so much UPF and it wouldnt have bothered me at all, now even if Im in calorie deficit, if my diet is UPF, Im gaining

I have no option but to eat as clean a diet as I can - home cooked, lean proteins, few processed carbs ( small portions of rice,pasta ) more veg then a greengrocers ( well it feels like it to me as a life long veg dodger ) and OMG , the exercise, so ok I walk but I walked a marathon Saturday 26.6 miles across cliffs and coastal paths - 8.5 hrs of walking - and I burned a total of 3000 calories - 1lb of weight loss

You arent a stupid woman, sure you are doing a PHD, you can do the research for yourself and find your way forward. If the facial signs of ageing are stressing you that much, save and go under the knife , will keep it at bay a while longer

Im just a NMW worker, I dont have an education, but I do know what worked for me at 20/30/40 does not work anymore and it is a struggle

I really dont care if "im desirable" , do I fancy my husband when he sits on the loo whilst Im having a shower or hes walking about in his long johns in the midst of winter? Do I eck. And Im sure my droopy boobs and belly flab does sod all for him. But we love each other. We have both aged and we have grown

Seriously, if you need to feel desirable to feel good, I think you need to do a bit more navel gazing and look at why and work on that

Fuck me, I often accidentally catch myself in the mirror and think, 'Who's that beautiful woman?'

It's me!

What?

I know. Who'd have thunk it.

I have always super liked myself.

I just like myself. Always have. I've menopaused. That's done.

It's ok to think you're brilliant. I do.

@JeysusH what a great post!

It would be a great relief to feel the way you do about yourself. All power to you.

I haven't a clue who is on HRT but I'm not on it and I don't think I look any worse than anyone else my age - in fact people usually think I'm younger than I am.

I'm over a decade older than you OP, but I don't feel the same way. I was never super slim (always seem to have had more than one chin and a large belly) and have been a bit overweight for years. However, I don't care. I wear exactly what I want, eat what I want (within reason) and do what I want. I couldn't care less whether anyone finds me desirable or not, and never have.

I got over all the angst about my looks once I was out of my teen years, and found it very liberating. Would I like to be young, slim, and firm of flesh? Of course I would, but I had my time like that and now I've moved on - as will all of today's young things.

I'm ME, and I actually quite like myself.

Eh, I am on HRT and look just about the same as everyone else. Neither better nor worse.

I really dont care if "im desirable" , do I fancy my husband when he sits on the loo whilst Im having a shower or hes walking about in his long johns in the midst of winter? Do I eck. And Im sure my droopy boobs and belly flab does sod all for him. But we love each other. We have both aged and we have grown.

Love this. There is so much more to life than being desirable. Yes, yes, it's fine to want to be etc etc. But how is it sustainable through life's ups and downs?

Jeysus I feel the same and always have. I think I have the opposite of body dysmorphia I think I look better than I do! Can’t relate to all this putting yourself down. Ok may be less noticed / leered at now by random men which is actually good (though got propositioned at a festival recently but it was pretty dark!) but still think I look amazing at nearly 50 as do most of my friends. They feel the same and we are always doing fun stuff (“what are you up to now mum” is a common refrain from our teens).

I am having a lot of fun too, far more than I was in my 20s and 30s, when I was bogged down by children and money worries and establishing my career and all of that....

DC are always marvelling at the stuff I get up to.

All of this

What kind of things are you doing?

Photos are a 2D representation of a 3D person and the photo doesn’t show all the quirks and things that actually make someone properly attractive. Loads of people look a bit shit in pictures. I see my grandmother now when I see myself, who was actually an attractive older woman, but she was, you know, old.

Lets face it usually the only person making you feel fat or unattractive is you!
Society really does a good job of making you past it once your baby making years are over.

Personally Im 52 and currently living my best life! I spent my younger years clinically obese, depressed, feeling like shit about myself on a daily basis.
Now in my 50s Ive lost all the weight, exercise regularly (because I enjoy it!), dress well, enjoy using make up and honestly feel like I imagine I should of felt in my 20s and 30s!
Meaning its not the number thats making you feel old,

Solo travel to remote places
Volunteering at various heritage sites
Choir and public singing ( would never have been brave enough before).

got propositioned at a festival recently but it was pretty dark!

😁you've got to love some dim/flattering lighting, although of course I can't actually see now when it's semi-dark!

I have a colleague who's in her mid 50s, her hair is completely grey, she doesn't wear makeup, she has some extra weight around the middle but is overall relatively slim. She says she gets chatted up on nights out because men love her vibe and confidence which i think is great!

@henlake7 thats great, good for you!

We are getting up to crazier things than that list! Coming out of the mum drudge years at the same time as your kids are teens actually works well. After years of facilitating our kids sports and interests do it for ourselves now!

@Porageeater that’s so true. Try a Live Photo for instance. They show so much more.

I honestly never look at photos of me anymore. It's liberating! Try it!
I had a huge wobble about ageing around 49 to 51 but then I kind of settled in to a new era. My old looks had gone and I mourned them like mad but there really is nothing you can do to stop the ageing process. So now I'm trying to focus on health, having good skin, a hair colour I'm happy with and embracing the here and now. It's work in progress but I'm getting there.

Maybe one of the reasons I still want to have sex with my dh at 61 is because he doesn’t come and sit on the loo while I’m having a shower.

Totally agree with what you say. I’m 58 and struggling with the loss of what feels like me whilst understanding that the reality is I have a bloody brilliant life. Urgh.