Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

Get the mens beard dye and do it yourself. They never go ginger.

I want to know you!

I could have written this myself! I'll also add that while I don't have a double chin (possibly scrawny neck) my weight has all headed south and I now have bigger calves and ankles than ever 🙄

My DH complains even if I leave the door open having a wee. I think some things can be left a mystery. Bowel habits being one of them!

I’m 53. I try to spend more time on my grooming now. I’ve always used moisturiser and makeup and haven’t sunbathed since my early 20s, never smoked. But I would sometimes neglect my skin routine and sleep in makeup if I was too tired. I now always cleanse and apply a retinol serum, and moisturiser/oil at night and spf 50 under my makeup in the day. I try to do 10,000 steps daily. I eat a Mediterranean plus diet and happen to love that food anyway. My vice is alcohol but limit it to weekends only and not too much. I love clothes but don’t spend a lot. It’s important to me to look as good as I can. I’m BMI 23 and about 10lbs heavier than I was in my 20s pre kids. The rest iis in the hands of my genes.

I have felt the same at times but I’m gradually finding acceptance. I’d say I spend a lot more time not thinking about how I look than thinking about it. I don’t look in mirrors too often- and certainly not with my glasses on (glasses being another recent development 😬) There are so many interesting things to think and talk about. I’m getting there with it all, but ask me again next week and I’ll probably be moaning about how old I look and how my skin doesn’t seem to fit anymore 😂 So yes, I’m up and down with it but overall finding contentment I think.

Yes, I hear you. I'm 54, and my looks went downhill fast at around 52. I actually had an upper and lower bleph, neck lift and face lift last October, and feel like I look like the old me again. I know that many people would think that's drastic, and I guess it is, but no amount of face cream was going to solve my hooded eyes, eye bags and treble chin. It was 100% worth it, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Does that make me vain? Yes. I don't care!

I remember being utterly mortified in my early forties looking at myself in photos from a family day trip. Then I looked back at them fifteen years later and wish I still looked like that!

In other words, your appearance is never fixed in time, it's always evolving and frankly not worth worrying about too much as your body changes and so do your perceptions of it.

Objectively, in most people's eyes, I probably look a lot worse in reality nowadays than in those photos. But in myself I am a lot happier!

What did it cost?

Totally agree Verity about perceptions changing. To my shame I remember going to an aerobics class at about 17 and a hideously old and decrepit woman of 34 arrived at the class saying she wanted to get back in shape after her second baby. I genuinely remember thinking “why bother you are just sooo ancient its just not worth it”. Now I see 34 as a spring chicken!

EvangelistaSister £10k

Wow!

Agree completely with this. I’m 52 and think I look pretty good. I do not photograph well and never did. I don’t care 🤷‍♀️

Hey thanks @EvangelistaSister 😋 I dont do anything all that pathbreaking but it's what I enjoy. In some ways, I am having my best life in my fifties. In other ways, not so much. But who can have it all at the same time?

My skin is pretty good and not many wrinkles - just creases around my eyes and the number 11 above my nose. Not bad for 62. My hair has become shit. I used to have oily hair and hated it. Be careful what you wish for - it is now very frizzy and feels like a brillo pad. It also sticks to my face (presumably sucking up any moisture?!). I use frizz ease and some other stuff but if I use too much my hair is lank the next day.

I am a bit sad that my eyes are ...lost. No definition. I should get my lashes tinted and also do my brows again. Without liner and mascara my eyes are 'not there'. I also hate that my stomach is hanging like an apron and I have 'belly jelly'. This is not due to pregnancy as I have no kids! I should of course lose weight (and am trying) but at this age I know I will be left with hanging skin. I don't hate myself and can still look what I think is quite good when I am done up to go out.

Deathraystare
How do you get your hair to look lank? My hair seems to eat up every single conditioner, serum etc & still looks a dry frizzy, flyaway mess.

I have permanent dark circles, my eyelids have sagged and I have more lines around my eyes, the area just looks very dull in general.

Dear Sister, As others have stated about misogyny which is very true and another even bigger problem is our own internalized Ageism. Its a heck of a mountain to climb and no amount of new clothes or hair do overs will fix it.
Ageism is actually the only 'ism' that is fully integrated without rejection by our society and humanity. We also participate in this miserable game ourselves of course.

You cannot fight it like you would anything else in life. Its a process that you need support with and its hard because most of us are in denial or we are 'fighting' with anti-aging products which will not work. At 51 you are actually still quite young but as you can see this horrendous crap hits us at younger and younger ages. And honestly its time all us women started to push back on it and reclaim our internal power and not just our youthful looks 'power' which isn't true power anyway.

There are two sources which have helped me enormously and its a process;. Insight Timer app where there are so many tremendous guides to hold your hand and a book called 'The Inner Work of Age' that I just cannot recommend highly enough where you will find what you need to gain your power back and become a beacon of light for other women entangled in this misery.

Look just get down the gym and keep your body healthy, eat properly for the same reason, ditch booze and get better sleep - all these options are open to you and will make you look and feel much younger

Here's where being fat and ugly your entire adult life pays off! There is no downhill as you are starting at the bottom!!LOL😄

Having said that I do take way better care of myself now at over 50. Actually bother with make up, nice clothes, exercise, lost all the extra weight.
In fact I feel like Im growing into my features more and feel like Im going to suit being older!
(hopefully nobody thinks Im trying to be smug...its just after decades of being the fat, ugly friend I feel like Im finally finding the real me.)😊

I think...No, I know....its really important we not talk to ourselves using negative language about aging. I am not judging you. I do it myself because of my internal ageism. I now feel really sad that we must suffer for so long with this. I mean seriously we could live another 40 years after 50 and when ever do we stop beating ourselves up for the natural process of getting older. Everything in the whole world can get older and often better but females, No. We have to stay young forever. Its nuts.

I'm 60 and overweight but I accept that I am what I am I'm not the skinny hourglass I was at 18. I can't believe my waist was that tiny. My life has changed so much since then I've a husband who married me over 30 years ago. I have 6 lovely children and 6 grandchildren.

I have aged obviously but this summer I was called about of alright by a couple of men, older than me though.

Make a list of the good things in you life rather than things you don't like.

I actually think I'm looking just as good as I did but in a totally different way, even if I'm wearing a baggy dress with a sweatshirt dress over the top.

I am a male 57 and growing old is giving way to self loathing...my hair is white and gray and extremely thin on the topside. I'm getting dark spot on my face and despite regularly exercising, my face still looks fat. I've taken all the mirrors off the walls except the bathroom because seeing my reflexion only depresses me. Thank you for letting me rant.

You look like a normal guy, don't worry about it.

I will be happier when I have my hair cut. Much as I hate it short I think I need layers to stop my face looking like a big potato!