Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

My neck is going. I really dislike it. But nothing apart from surgery would change it.

Personally I think Michelle Collins looks fabulous for 62 (or any age) she, I don’t think she would be classed as looking older than the average 62 year old walking down the high street, I think she would stand out as the exception rather than the rule. Good for Gillian Taylforth, whatever she has had done I don’t really care, she looks fabulous. What both women have in common is they are slim and move with purpose and confidence, neither of them could be classed as invisible.

@Superblyput Thank you. You've put into words what I was too ashamed to say. I have never been traffic-stopping by any means but I am struggling with the idea that no one will ever look at me that way again.

DH and I have a lovely relationship - he's kind, understanding, totally there for me. I love him and I believe him when he says he loves me. He tells me I look nice all the time, even when I definitely don't. We have a happy, loving marriage. But, I don't feel desired. And I want to be. So I go into a spiral of 'it must be because I'm almost 3 stone heavier than when we met and grey haired and I snore and my gut looks like a vat of tapioca'.

It's SO pathetic, but it's true. God. It's like the last bloody taboo to admit you feel this way.

The best work people have done is stuff you'd never notice unless perhaps you were a dermatologist or plastic surgeon. A tiny amount of filler here or there and a light touch of botox can look very natural. Your whole face should not be frozen - personally I don't think an absence of frowning is a negative. Good doctors are not pumping in huge amounts of filler to puff up up cheeks or lips or stringing your face up in a lunchtime lift. If it's obvious it wasn't well done.

life

Ahh op. It's hard. But you are the youngest you are ever going to be right now and it's inevitable we will continue to age so there's absolutely nothing we can do fundamentally to stop it! So it's better to try and accept it and try and enjoy life while you are healthy and focus on other things. I feel the same way to an extent but then I remember the two friends I lost during and after Covid who would have done anything to spend one more day with their adult dc. A gratitude journal helps. I hope that doesn't sound preachy but it's just easier to accept if you understand there's a season for everything.

Also, has your DH not aged too? Do you still fancy him? So much about feeling desirable is about inner confidence within yourself, not what others think of you. And honestly, when you love someone, is it really about their looks, or their character? In some ways I think men can be a lot less judgemental about looks than women.

I recently went to a university reunion and honestly the way I had imagined it in my head was that everyone had stayed young and beautiful and I was the only one with grey hair and a muffin top! 😄. But funnily enough, everyone else had aged too! 😀 Some better than others! Some worse than me and some much better! So remember you are not alone, even if in our mind we are the only ones going through this, it is very much a universal experience and would you really like to return to the anxieties and lack of confidence associated with your twenties? I certainly wouldn't and am proud of the wisdom and competence I have gained as a middle aged woman. I just need more energy to put it to good use now!! 😀

Apparently, Morpheus 8, ultherapy, etc do help, I am reluctant to try them as the complications sound awful. Better start saving for the face/neck lift!

Hm.
I feel a bit depressed here, ladies.
I'm sure none of us look as "bad" as we tend to judge ourselves. ☕
One genuine "summer child" question -
do you think Spanish Queen Letizia's jawline
is natural???
😁
My Granny was apparently very lucky this way.

Just looked up Queen Letizia as I didn't know who she was either. Her look does not appeal to me. No doubt people will think it's sour grapes, but it really doesn't.

I was you at 45, even with DC, but sadly at 47 peri menopause kicked in, and even though I haven’t put on weight in the years since, my body has gone soft and gone south, my hair has thinned, my eyesight has deteriorated and I just look washed out. I feel awful as I don’t physically recognise the woman in the mirror (or the photos).
Make the most of your good fortune while your hormones are in the prime of their life!

Completely agree with this. It’s 💯 how I feel.

I'm mid 60s.

I may be overweight and plain but dull I most certainly ain't!

I've embraced it and loving the freedom to wear what I want, do what I want and say what I want (I'm always polite anyway) and not give a stuff.

But what's the point being miserable about it? It's unstoppable. Worrying is a waste of life. Aging is a privilege. Maybe I've seen too many people die young.
Most people who stare at women are sleazy types, normal men are respectful. I'll be glad when that stops
The woman who said she was in her 50s and doesn't get sexual attention, well who wants that just walking around. I've always hated it. I'm sure on apps saying you want sex you'll be snapped up.

Oh god Me. Too.

I hate it. I was 48 this week (so def not overnight at 49 as a pp said, earlier for me anyway sob), and I feel like shit. I went through early menopause so maybe that's why it's earlier actually.

I'm actually embarrassed about my face which is rather horrendous as I can't hide it unless I wear a balaclava. I mostly hate the area around my mouth, I've got horrible thin lips and my mouth just looks all wrinkly and puckered. Hate it.

My weight is the same as always, still a size 10 bit that doesn't mean I look nice, I do not. I look saggy and wrinkly and disgusting. It's utter shit.

I catch sight of myself and am so sad.

I dont think its internalised misogyny at all.

Im the same OP, I want to de frump myself, I want to look smart and well turned out

Some one posted a link to some french woman on youtube a while ago and she is quite funny (although I think shes being serious) but anyway she aims to help you defrump and I like some of her ideas. There is no attempt to look 'young and hot' as others are claiming people like us want to look like, just looking your best and wearing things flattering to your shape

A sun dress is only ok for a 2 year old to be honest.

I was the same at 45, but suddenly, overnight, it was literally overnight I aged 10 or 15 years. Thats peri menopause for you

Now I have thin hair (plumped up currently by product), a bit of a turkey neck, jowels, age spots, bad eyesight, memory problems, dry eye, dry skin, dry everything, swollen legs.

I didnt recognise myself when I got to this overnight change, I thought how could this be?

A sun dress is only ok for a 2 year old to be honest

Blimey. I was nodding along to your post until I got to that bit. Why on earth would you have a dig about that?

It's actually a beautifully-made plain, sleeveless cotton/linen dress that cost a small fortune several years ago and (I previously thought) was rather flattering. Not a piece of Primark polyester!

@Bignanna Oh absolutely, and I'm grateful for the years I've got and hopefully will continue to have - but I do miss my jawline. You don't know what you've got till it's gone! 😂

I find I bob along looking the same and then suddenly age a lot in a year. It happened late forties and now again in my early sixties.

Slightly off topic, but I find that, in my 50s, dressed can look very matronly and grumpy. Even wearing them with a leather jacket and trainers doesn't quite cut it.

I find I look much better in classic but casual clothes, eg turned up jeans with stripy t-shirt and a blazer. This may explain why you don't like the photos of you "dressed up"?

DH and I have a lovely relationship - he's kind, understanding, totally there for me. I love him and I believe him when he says he loves me. He tells me I look nice all the time, even when I definitely don't. We have a happy, loving marriage. But, I don't feel desired. And I want to be. So I go into a spiral of 'it must be because I'm almost 3 stone heavier than when we met and grey haired and I snore and my gut looks like a vat of tapioca.

I am not trying to shame you, OP. But this made me sad. A happy loving marriage is rare, but you want more, perhaps even the impossible. I wonder if your DH lies awake at night worrying about being desired. I am pretty sure he too has put on weight with marriage, as do all of us. But men never seem to beat up on themselves the way women do.

Another one here who was fine at 45..then the meno well and truly hit. I no longer have a waistline, I've got the 'older woman' shape.
More chins than I care to think about. I've added extra weight, which
I'm struggling to shift. I do 3 sports classes a week, walk the dog, and do dog enrichment, which is physically active. I do a physical job with lots of lifting and carrying.
I only have a small mirror in the bathroom and a feature mirror in the lounge. I won't have a full-length one!
I admit I don't use make-up or have an interest in fashion, but there's not a lot to work with! The plus side is that I generally have good health, and some I have known from school days are fairing worse than me.

I am older and can really relate to this. I’ve seen photos of myself this week and literally look like a sack of spuds. My face for the first time looks genuinely ugly. I’ve been overweight for some time but for some reason just look so much older, uglier and fatter than ever before. I’m not even sure losing weight is the answer. I hate myself. It’s like my body has collapsed in on itself.

@KateMiskin he's actually slimmer and fitter than he was when we met! He's got into running, given up smoking, etc. He dresses better too (thanks to me haha).

Oh good for you! I've always wanted to have a PhD, just not sure I ever want to do one.

I'm a little bitter as I got stuck with a shit employer and never got any credit for any of the (lots of) qualifications I took but fuck it, I'm 10 years older than you and quietly quitting!!

Anyway - none of us can do anything about getting older, and the alternative is pretty grim! I hate being in my 7th decade but life flies.

It's been weird for me - after decades of being overweight (hated that as I was a very slim teen and young adult!) I've gradually lost weight in the last few years and most of me is slim now bar my gargantuan tummy, so I hear you! Do some self-care. Buy completely new makeup! Treat yourself to some new and flattering clothes. Get your hair done!

You are neither plain nor dull and you are clearly a highly intelligent lady. Fuck society's expectations, I say. Go out there and shine! x