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Original poster

Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

224 replies

ArgumentativeAntithetical · 27/06/2024 13:20

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

OP posts:
KateMiskin · 27/06/2024 20:16

Dammit @ArgumentativeAntithetical how has he managed that then? Dh looks just as terrible as I do. How inconvenient for you! 😁

Original poster
ArgumentativeAntithetical · 27/06/2024 20:19

KateMiskin · 27/06/2024 20:16

Dammit @ArgumentativeAntithetical how has he managed that then? Dh looks just as terrible as I do. How inconvenient for you! 😁

Isn't it just!

OP posts:
MadYoke · 27/06/2024 20:19

EvangelistaSister · 27/06/2024 20:10

I am older and can really relate to this. I’ve seen photos of myself this week and literally look like a sack of spuds. My face for the first time looks genuinely ugly. I’ve been overweight for some time but for some reason just look so much older, uglier and fatter than ever before. I’m not even sure losing weight is the answer. I hate myself. It’s like my body has collapsed in on itself.

Edited

When you see older people that you love, is this what you think about them?

Lowcarbisdifficult · 27/06/2024 20:24

I dislike the idea that once you're over a certain age you're supposed to completely forget how you look and only focus on the other stuff that 'makes you interesting '.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to look your best at any age. Try Botox and other procedures if you feel they'd help.

Beefour · 27/06/2024 20:32

In my work I will see about 300 people a day. The ones I notice most are the sparkly ones with happiness and banter regardless of their size or age or gender, or number of chins.

GingerPirate · 27/06/2024 20:34

soupfiend · 27/06/2024 19:39

I was the same at 45, but suddenly, overnight, it was literally overnight I aged 10 or 15 years. Thats peri menopause for you

Now I have thin hair (plumped up currently by product), a bit of a turkey neck, jowels, age spots, bad eyesight, memory problems, dry eye, dry skin, dry everything, swollen legs.

I didnt recognise myself when I got to this overnight change, I thought how could this be?

Show quote history

Eh.
I've had thin hair all my life.
☹️

SkylarkDay · 27/06/2024 20:37

Life is just two dates with a mad dash in between. I say enjoy & celebrate every single part of it, including getting older. Personally I found the outside pressures, lack of confidence & male attention very uncomfortable when younger. I much prefer being the age I am now (53). Yes I’d like to lose half a stone, maybe not have everything heading south and not have menopausal symptoms but overall I think I feel the most comfortable & confident I’ve ever felt in myself. Wouldn’t want to go back to who I was in my 20s even for my youthful looks & figure.

Runnerinthenight · 27/06/2024 20:41

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 27/06/2024 15:57

62 and I am no way rolling over and disappearing. I have earned every wrinkle and line, the belly is there whether I put a sack over it or not, so I don't disguise it, just make sure I feel good in what I wear and that impacts on my mood and how I hold myself. I dress in bright colours, love my costume jewellery, always wash hair and wear subtle make up. Oh, I shouldn't forget my footwear, as I do like a statement shoe too. I just try to maintain what I have, keep nails natural but loved and my wardrobe is not fashionable but definitely not frumpy and I only have a few key pieces from years back and still enjoy the search for clothing, but buy less but focus on items that are those I really want (I will save up) rather than compromise. I like the blog 'thatsnotmyage' and I'd recommend just trying new things, as we change and sometimes holding on to what was drags us down, we need to reach forward not regret what was. Tomorrow is day one of the new year, so best foot forward and go for what brings you joy!

Love this! I'm of a similar age, and I love colour, I love jewellery, and I love shoes! I am probably addicted to shoes! I'm really really lucky to not have any grey yet. I do like a Biab nail though - my hands are swollen and arthritic so I like to have my nails done to draw attention away from my gnarled joints!

I don't follow fashion and I wear what suits me, but not unfashionable either. My daughters would soon tell me!!

Over 20 years ago my husband told me I looked frumpy! Well I thought, "fuck you, you will never say that to me again!" and he has never had any reason to since!

Runnerinthenight · 27/06/2024 20:44

Makemydaypunk · 27/06/2024 16:20

It’s so bloody hard this ageing malarkey, I’m 56 and I do scrub up pretty well still but it takes so much effort now, I used to be able to do my make up in 5 minutes flat, now it takes ages, my brows have thinned so that takes longer, my eyes lashes are now short and sparse so putting on mascara takes forever, it’s harder to put on eye make up because my eyelids have disappeared, my lips are thinner and have lost their colour so a slick of lipstick isn’t enough, and my face and neck are heading south rapidly, my hair which used to be shiny and glossy is now the texture of a Brillo pad so takes ages to tame and style and don’t get me started on having to reduce calories but increasing exercise just to not gain weight, it’s exhausting, and yes I know I don’t have to do any of it but I’m with the OP on this.

Get your brows done - it's a game changer!! I've always looked like I don't have any, because I'm very fair! My beautician was surprised at how much hair was actually there when she did them, because it didn't look like I had any. Has changed the whole look of my face!

HebburnPokemon · 27/06/2024 20:45

I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

What makes you think that?

Lowcarbisdifficult · 27/06/2024 20:45

Does anyone follow Denise Kirtley (fifty fitness journey) on Instagram? She's around 53 and has a body many 20 year olds would envy. No surgery either.

Hedjwitch · 27/06/2024 20:46

Great thread. Was 60 in January. Am fat,with enormous boobs,too many chins..and chin hairs.
I hate,hate what I have become and refuse to be photographed. I try and remain positive,do yoga,swim etc but I look like shit. Such is life. A pair of statement earrings aint going to fix it.

EvangelistaSister · 27/06/2024 20:53

MadYoke · 27/06/2024 20:19

When you see older people that you love, is this what you think about them?

Show quote history

It’s the discrepancy between how I used to be and what I am now.

HebburnPokemon · 27/06/2024 20:54

I recommend a good read of Hags by Victoria Smith.

I’ve just purchased this on your recommendation!

But all the reviews say it puts you in a rage…

MadYoke · 27/06/2024 20:59

EvangelistaSister · 27/06/2024 20:53

It’s the discrepancy between how I used to be and what I am now.

Show quote history

But that is true for all of us here in this planet?

KateMiskin · 27/06/2024 21:02

MadYoke · 27/06/2024 20:59

But that is true for all of us here in this planet?

Show quote history

I suppose that doesn't make it any easier, though. Like a lot of other things.

eedie135 · 27/06/2024 21:04

Wow, these are almost the exact words I used when speaking to someone earlier. Thing is with me I don't know how much it's to do with feeling unattractive ... or is it more to do with peri and I just don't feel like me anymore. It's a very strange feeling. I am also on hrt. I'm about to embark on a weight loss and fitness journey but I think I have to be prepared for the possibility that the old me is gone and I have to get used to and embrace a new feeling of womanhood post child bearing age. My weight and fitness levels have fluctuated over my adult life and this certainly isn't the heaviest I've been. But this feels completely different to anything that's gone before

Splcam · 27/06/2024 21:06

ArgumentativeAntithetical · 27/06/2024 13:20

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

I could have written this post, except I turned 51 a few months ago. I am sorry I can't help but I really really understand what you are going through right now. Have a big virtual hug x

eedie135 · 27/06/2024 21:07

... and it weirdly coincides with an increased confidence at work and in my abilities. I feel the sky is the limit career wise whereas before I would never have been the first to put myself forward for things

Nsky62 · 27/06/2024 21:07

I’m not keen on ageing, who is at 62, ok with the physical me, it’s the Parkinson’s, 7 yrs in, aches, uncertainties and brain fog, not much tremors!

LizzieSiddal · 27/06/2024 21:08

orangepostbox · 27/06/2024 19:47

I find I bob along looking the same and then suddenly age a lot in a year. It happened late forties and now again in my early sixties.

Completely agree. I was actually ok until I hit 55 then my periods had completely stopped for 12 months. I don’t have wrinkles but by god by jowls and neck seemed to have aged 10 years.

Weight wise I’ve definitely gone up a size but I’ve spent this year buying good quality new pieces. There’s no way I’m worrying about dieting.

Runnerinthenight · 27/06/2024 21:11

Elizo · 27/06/2024 17:24

The invisibility thing is totally weird. Just getting my head round it.

Same here, and the ageism, and the discrimination that comes with it.

Runnerinthenight · 27/06/2024 21:20

ArgumentativeAntithetical · 27/06/2024 18:07

@Superblyput Thank you. You've put into words what I was too ashamed to say. I have never been traffic-stopping by any means but I am struggling with the idea that no one will ever look at me that way again.

DH and I have a lovely relationship - he's kind, understanding, totally there for me. I love him and I believe him when he says he loves me. He tells me I look nice all the time, even when I definitely don't. We have a happy, loving marriage. But, I don't feel desired. And I want to be. So I go into a spiral of 'it must be because I'm almost 3 stone heavier than when we met and grey haired and I snore and my gut looks like a vat of tapioca'.

It's SO pathetic, but it's true. God. It's like the last bloody taboo to admit you feel this way.

Edited

And has he not aged too? And do you care?

mollyfolk · 27/06/2024 21:27

Oh I totally relate. I’m in my mid forties and I’m sliding into chubbiness and frumpiness. I get my hair done, do my nails, get my eyebrows done, dress nicely and exercise but it’s the weight - it’s so hard to keep it off. I think you’d need to stay carb free and be an a serious exercise regimen to stay looking trim.

What really kills me is looking at the wedding pics and especially pics of me holding my newborns! Times I felt like I should lose weight. I’d love to go back and tell myself I was perfect,

Disturbia81 · 27/06/2024 21:32

This thread is so depressing. I hate that women who have lived a life, gained wisdom, maybe reared kids and done good things in their lives are worrying about wrinkles so much. In their short time on this earth. It's not your fault and I don't blame you feeling like this. I hate that society and men have done this. It's such pointless energy spent and misery