Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

I recently came across photos of me and my friends at uni. I never had any confidence in my looks but omg I was actually so fucking pretty then and I didn't know!!

I actually have more confidence in how I look now than I did when I was young, but it's always qualified by, "for my age". Sad.

51 is nothing. I'd kill to be 51 again. I was still gorgeous at 51.

I don;t want to be a Debbie Downer. But I suspect those of us in our fifties have a brief time about worrying about our lost looks,and then the health problems come along in the "sniper alley" of our fifties, and we won't have the time to worry about anything else!

@Runnerinthenight but dont they go ginger? I'm naturally blonde but when i had mine dyed, they looked ginger in photos. I use Blinc mousse in medium blonde now.

I wonder how many women agonising over age also agonised over being "fat" etc etc in earlier eras. I try to avoid people who agonise about their looks cos it's a buzzkill.

This thread really makes me sad. I’m late 60s, I have various fairly minor health problems but I’m generally okay. Several of my friends have serious health issues and a couple of friends I loved have died. Neither my mum or MIL made old bones.Maybe it’s easier if, like me, you have never been remotely stunning so it was never my ‘identity’ although like many I look at old photos and realise I was much prettier than I thought. I try to keep the weight off, have a decent hair do and wear nice clothes. I’m very lucky, I have a lovely DH, adult dc and gc. I don’t particularly want to be sexually attractive to anyone but my DH (fortunately). I’m just grateful I’m fit enough to do the stuff I want and be with those I love. Everyone gets old, you can make the best of what you have and try to keep fit but you simply cannot turn back time. People (including men) may not fancy me but they’re invariably polite and there’s a sort of freedom in being able to flirt decorously knowing there won’t be any misunderstanding!

@angstridden2 I am in my early sixties. I see young women and men in the workplace dismiss what I say and treat me as if I am invisible. I know it does not happen to those in senior positions, but now I am treated as older woman who can be ignored.

I asked him. It went like this:

Me: you do still fancy me, don't you?

Him: (pause) of course. I love you to bits.

Me: that's not the same thing, though

Him: (gives me a hug, says nothing)

He's very affectionate and loving but I just don't think he sees me 'like that'.

I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness.

It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have.

What? If you feel bad about your appearance then do something about it. Why would you think middle age + means you must stop caring about your looks? Care or don't care, but it's up to you. 🤷‍♀️

So if I’m understanding you correctly you’re a bit overweight and wrinkly.
These are not insurmountable problems - you can diet (with discipline) and lose weight. You can go to a good hairdresser and get a flattering style. Botox from a recommended practitioner will smooth out some lines. Maybe visit a stylist for a wardrobe refresh.

That Denise Kirtley on Instagram is remarkable and inspirational.

I am 53. My neck is looking crepey. My jawline is blurred. My thighs and stomach look like cottage cheese. I walk at least 15,000 steps everyday but I eat too much and love wine.

I am going to try strength training and swimming. Make them a habit. Prioritise them.

Ageing is hard but there's no alternative really.

Ok sorry, it wasnt a dig, it wasnt meant that way, I was agreeing with you as I thought you saw yourself as a bit frumpy

And beautifully made cotton or not (I didnt envisage it as primark polyester), they are not flattering pieces of clothing, they are shapeless and thats fine when someone is really really young (perhaps 2 was a bit of an exaggeration) but not when you're our age and you need things that give some definition and sharpeness

I used to live in good quality cotton and linen, now I give linen a swerve, Ive learned the hard way it does nothing for me, makes me look like an enormous frump

Im just weeks away from 60

I hated most of my 50's , which I can now see with hindsight was due to the changes happening to me due to the menopause ( no HRT either ). I became very fat, hairs sprouted everywhere, lips went, fine lines and wrinkles gave way to the grand canyon and my jaw line was invisible in the fold of the chins. And I just accepted it was all down to the menopause. I gave up caring. I slobbed about in trackies, getting dressed up meant a clean pair of jeans and a fancy sack masquerading as a top. I told myself who cared, had a husband who loved me and grandchild who adored me -everything was ok

Until I had a serious fall aged 58 and was injured badly, so badly I had to cash in my PP for income.

That was the turning point for me. I saw myself for the first time in years and decided I had to do something about it.

Now Im very lucky. I have never been a beauty, in fact I have a face that resembles a frog, but I used to be pretty in a good light.

So I lost a lot of the weight and took up exercise, got the hair, eyebrows done and started to feel better about how I looked. Starting a skin care regime really started me looking at my face and noticing how much I had aged and I have had a period of mourning the loss of my youth. The double chins have gone, I now have jowls. Theres a bit of a turkey neck happening ( ok more then a bit ). Eyelids and lips - gone. So I tried to hide it all with make up , that was a big mistake , I went back to the same old that I was wearing in my 30's/40's , didnt work, just aged me more. Now I wear cosmetics which flatter, dont hide, just brighten me , lift me

I mourn the lack of elasticity to my skin which is most noticeable on my arms, they shout out to me Im old

Youth is really wasted on the young

But Im here, Im alive, Im fitter then I have been in decades

Am I invisible? No. I dont allow myself to be. Never being a beauty Ive never had looks to rely on, its always had to be personality and presence. That doesnt go. Sure it waned big time for a while - too long looking back, but now Im the best me Ive been for a long time, its back. For the first time in years I feel strong and confident. I regularly get complements from both sexes.

Yep the menopause really messes with you but the best thing is coming out the otherside with no fucks left to give. Im me, Im living life how I want and I really dont care if it fits anyone elses narrative

I doubt you’re big with all the fasting and exercise.

Ageing is tough and menopause years particularly so. I can’t bear seeing photos of myself but day to day I’m ok. I make people laugh, I’m respected at work, I have my family and friends. My cats think I’m a goddess 😁I think it’s freeing not to be bothered by men all the time. I’m quite enjoying the invisibility of older age when it comes to strangers.

I think (kindly) you do have to give yourself a gentle shake. It’s possible to look really good with a lot of exercise and starvation/deprivation if you’d prefer that route. Personally, I’ve had a few health scares in recent years and am trying to eat healthier and a bit fitter as I don’t want to die young. I also work in an area where I see young people dying so I try and focus on the privilege of ageing and embrace it.

Me too . I cant believe my wrinkles and need to lose weight. A dr.friend of mine suggested botox on an area I hadn't even noticed 😳

I really think you are grasping at straws here, a bit at least. I find it hard to believe a fasting yoga instructor can be that huge.

Me, I prefer not to ask questions like that.of my DH. Obviously, as you get older, you are more companions than passionate lovers. But really, is that so bad? Most people woudl kill for loving companionship.

My favourite sun dress this year came from Pep and Co at the Poundshop. It's a stunning shade of cerulean blue and I feel amazing in it. It ain't made of linen. I'm 53 😊

OP are you really 3 stone heavier than when you first met DH, with a belly like tapioca, despite being a yoga teacher who fasts for 16 hours a day, or was the yoga teacher stuff a joke/the 3 stone stuff an exaggeration?

4 friends of mine are yoga teachers and they all seem to possess the secret of eternal youth which I always assumed was due to yoga. They also all have fabulous bodies. I'd be concerned that a 3 stone weight gain (unless you were 6 stone to start with) might be symptomatic of something more than aging.)

But I may be totally missing you sense of humour. Ignore, if so.

I'm not usually a fan of why French women do it better videos. But Alice in Patis on YouTube has a video on why French women over 50 age better, which is quite interesting.

I can relate! Only I’ve always hated myself. I look back on photos and am shocked when I realise how ugly I’ve always been but it’s just so tough seeing myself get even uglier!!

I’m early 60s and know how you feel, it annoys and saddens me that I notice my ageing and my friends ageing and even how famous people are ageing!

Hrt has had many benefits for me, well I’m assuming it’s the HRT! my hair is still lush and shiny, my skin on my face is looking great (could be Elemis??) my eyes are bright despite not being as big as they were 😱

Since upping my hrt I’ve put on around half a stone that attached itself only to my stomach it’s like it doesn’t belong to me! but it’s also given me more energy and joint pain all but disappeared.

I’ve changed my look up a bit and love everything I wear now, well until I see a photo of myself - no idea what that’s all about! They say the camera never lies.. I tell myself it does 😂

Photos are not accurate.
In real life you are moving, smiling, gesticulating....all of which convey your presence.

@KateMiskin I agree that love can look very different in later years and that's okay if both people are happy with that. But some people still want to have a sexual relationship and feel sexually attractive. He should be making her feel good.
The problem comes when the man treats his wife like a companion but then still sleazes on young women, so does have a sex drive still.

I agree that men should never make their wives feel like shit @Disturbia81 whatever their size, but I didn't get the impression OP's husband did that.

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I am a qualified yoga teacher, but I don't do much teaching these days. I'm not an 'ashtanga yoga bunny' type - it is possible to do quite a lot of yoga and still be overweight! I have good posture and am flexible, but yoga isn't a magic bullet, sadly!

And yes, I am almost 3 stone heavier than when I met DH. But we've been together a long time! I fast because I want to lose weight, but it doesn't make much difference.

My point was that I don't have shit lifestyle, I do try and look after myself but I'm struggling with the reality of ageing.

Agree with avoiding photos. Almost phobic about them - heart rate rockets if I think someone is going to take a photo of me!