Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

69 here and having the time of my life 😊.
I eat reasonably well but I’m not obsessed with it. Enjoy a pint of cider or two. Walk a lot, with friends or with Ramblers. Camping at 5 festivals this year, on my own cos husband hates fests 😂.

I know I’m older and maybe I cared more in my 50’s but there’s more to you and more to life than what you see in the mirror. It so sad to think of women being unhappy because of a few extra pounds or wrinkles - it’s part of aging and it’s much easier if you accept it and stay happy and healthy.

It’s a bad day/ week/ month op. Sounds like you have a great career and still educating yourself. We all age and it’s tough. I’m 53 and always looked younger than my age until about 49/50. I don’t have many lines but I am noticing my face is starting to head south, the marionette lines are appearing and my neck which has always been slim and long has started to wrinkle. It is weird when you do t look how you feel/ remember yourself. I always remind myself of those that are no longer here and didn’t make 53, give myself a metaphorical slap and get on with life.

@AnybodyAnywhere you sound fabulous! Posts like yours help me look forward with positivity. Enjoy your festivals.

You can easily do something about the veins, warts and moles! The frilly jawline and bullfrog neck is doable- with a good surgeon!

No, men still swan around thinking they own the place and think that they look like Brad Pitt when they look like an arm pit 🤣

I was the same OP, I lost a lot of weight and feel loads better , I had a health scare so did it for health reasons primarily but I like myself again now and some days I think I look fabulous 😉

I don’t have any sagging jaw thank goodness, but have lots of warty things on my neck and décolleté. I envy women my age with lovely skin. I’ve got good scaffolding and hardly any wrinkles but these awful warts and tags have multiplied! What can I do?

It's so sad you feel like this OP. I feel more confident as I age. Society has done a number on you but your husband isn't helping.
I will always keep my funky style, bright makeup and hair, nothing will dull me!

Hang on @ArgumentativeAntithetical you are a yoga instructor, fast for 16 hours a day? I am fairly certain you do not look anything as awful as you think. Do you have very high standards, or are/were you very attractive?

I was only ever average when young, though I was very slim.

Absolutely superbly put. I LOVE this post ( and soaps retorts to people on page 1).

I’m 51 too OP.

I’m a straight woman with a strong sex drive still and to get sex I need men to be attracted to me. It’s that simple. I also love dressing up and putting on make up and liking what I see in the mirror. These things fading and dying is hard. I have loads of hobbies and interests, but I liked feeling good when I got dressed up. I liked the male gaze ( not harassment, but just noticing men checking you out). I go dressed up today and went out and not one man even noticed my existence, not even those older than me. I’m a straight woman who likes sex with men. Of course that’s going to bother me!

I need time to adapt to this. The support of other women to see me through this would be great. But being lectured that I’m not being feminist enough or need a hobby does not help.

Being bothered by the waning of your attractiveness to people you are attracted to, or the loss of something that brought you joy, is perfectly normal and reasonable. Shaming women for feeling like this is not a good look.

You can buy otc products for skin tags, eg Scholl, Cryotags, or you can have them removed at a private clinic. Hav3 a look on Amazon. I wouldn’t attempt the big tags myself, though!

@WishIMite am 48 + still have a good jawline. I do face yoga when I can.

don’t think the menopause has hit yet tho, ARE THE CHINs COMING FOR ME ??? Despite the frikking faceyoga

@ArgumentativeAntithetical if you are a yoga teacher with good posture already then plan B is a new wardrobe and take up magic mushrooms

Yes it's basically overnight at 49 I think. A friend told me this and I thought AHA NOT ME, I AM STILL HOT AT 48 and then I turned 49

I've been plain and fat all my life. I think ageing is harder on people who're attractive and used to looking good. However what I didn't reckon on is becoming COMPLETELY invisible, except to other women my age. This gets on my (droopy) tits.

I’m 50 later this year and have recently had to accept that unless I diet stringently, a chunk of my wardrobe has to go. I’m finding that I simply don’t burn calories like I used to and there’s no point squeezing myself into jeans that are tight around the middle.

I’m still a healthy BMI, but I’ve moved from the lower end to the middle- and you know what, that’s OK. I’m not overweight, just not the same size I was 10 years ago.

I do spend on my hair, skin, and occasionally my nails, because I want to and it’s my money! If you want to do the same, OP, do it! You absolutely deserve it. 💐

My DH (52) doesn’t seem bothered by his expanding belly and his greying temples. As PP’s have said, it’s internalized misogyny that makes we women feel bad about aging.

My mindset shifted a few years ago. It is a privilege to get to 51 and to have my health.

Some people do not get the option. So I will sit in my shorts and live my body

I feel your pain OP (currently sat here munching a box of maltesers and a cuppa as I’m mega fed up).

I make an effort having my hair coloured and cut regularly, chucked all my crap clothes, sort of came up with a uniform for myself that works, mainly dresses, cardigans and nice sandals). I’m 60 next year and really feeling it, sob.

I had been making an effort with 12 hour fasting, it stopped me snacking in the evenings and although slow I did see some weight loss. Currently trying to get back into it although life is hard at the moment as a relative I live with needs lots of nourishing foodstuffs.

just read all your posts, you sound if you have the knowledge to sort things, maybe you need to make a plan to achieve it but choose manageable chunks.

So true, @witmum My Mum developed a chronic illness in her 40’s and I’m so thankful to still be healthy. 🤞

I get it OP. I'm a very similar age to you and I stood in front of the mirror yesterday and thought to myself: 'Jesus Christ! You look like a fat frump! When the hell did that happen?'

I guess, aside from all the feminist arguments, the question is this: do you care enough to do something about it? It's all very well being a yoga teacher and fasting for 16 hours a day, if that isn't giving you the body you want. I don't want to look like a fat frump and I don't care if it's internalised misogyny - how I look directly impacts how I feel and my feelings of self-esteem and happiness - so with six weeks to go until we go on holiday I'm cutting out snacking and aiming to do something active every day. You can turn things around if you want to.

I know celebrities have surgeons on speed dial but I do take inspiration from celebrities my age or older who look good, I was watching Eastenders the other night and Gillian Taylforth looks amazing (68) as does Michelle Collins (62), looking at Michelle on screen she doesn’t appear to have had significant work from my untrained eye, but her character on screen dresses really stylishly and she has a confidence about her when she struts across the square! Think I need to channel my inner Cindy Beale.

I realise I am only 49, but I am already five years post-menopause and recently finished six months for chemotherapy. I lost my hair and both breasts (with no reconstruction) and while I can see the ravages of chemo (and lack of hormones) on my face and body, I still think I look great.

My eyebrows have finally grown back so took the opportunity to get them professionally shaped and tinted. I also make sure I wear lipstick every day as my hair has regrown grey/white. Finding myself with a new body shape has been hard, but have taken the opportunity to sell a large part of pre-cancer wardrobe and replace it with new clothes. (I use the the word new loosely, most are used from Vinted). This has lifted my spirits enormously. Earlier today, as I walked down the street, not one but two women complimented my outfit.

Life really is too short to believe you're too old, getting fatter and uglier. If you tell yourself this, you will believe it and make little effort to take more care and attention with yourself. I don't know, but I do believe it's all about attitude.

I'm in my 30s and don't have kids and struggle with weight and ugliness.

I agree the issue is lack of collagen. It ages how you look no matter how fit and strong you are.

@Makemydaypunk virtually all women in the public eye have significant work as they get older. A surprising amount of ordinary women do as well.

Absolutely relate. I think exercise can help. Really weird to look in the mirror and not see a face you feel is attractive. This has started happening to me. Good clothes, lose a bit of weight etc should help. Otherwise we have to accept it!