Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

Gillian Taylforth has had threadlifts. They are expensive and don’t last very long. Don’t like the sound of the possible complications with them. I think Michelle looks older than her age, don’t know if she’s had any cosmetic procedures. Think most of them have had “ work” done.

The invisibility thing is totally weird. Just getting my head round it.

I can relate. Be gentler on yourself if you can though.

I will say that seborrhoeic keratoses (aka senile warts) and skin tags are relatively easy to get rid of. I book in regularly with a dermatologist to get the latest lot shaved off with a scalpel or frozen off. Yes it's not cheap and it is uncomfortable but it gives results that no face cream can. I have a new young dermatologist and that man has a work ethic that means he can get through an enormous amount in 30 minutes whirring away freezing and electrocauterising about 20 of the wretched senile warts, cutting a slightly suspicious mole out and finishing up with the liver spots on my hands. Seborrhoeic keratoses tend to form in areas where there is rubbing so I try to avoid rough fabrics or anything that rubs though I seem to have inherited the tendency from my father. Women of my age who do have good skin are probably not leaving it to nature and genetics.

Not helped when one of you teen dds suddenly looks like a supermodel. Had hilarious incident in Starbucks recently the twenty something male server gawping at dd2 and her pal didn’t even see me standing right there 🙄. Had to say “erm I would like a coffee too?!” And of course I was paying for everyone…

I understand completely.

I'm turning 40 and just don't feel like me. I've lost a lot of weight and should feel great but I'm saggy and wrinkly and have no desire to take care of myself anymore.

I just feel shite

oh god Ok well at least I am forewarned.

I am beginning to realise that my responses to this are shaped by my being from a different culture. Hmmm....Being older in my community gets a lot of respect and freedom.

I also have a gorgeous tall slim DD and she gets a lot of attention. I am not all that interested in that attention any more though.

Do we really think that Gllian McKeith et al have not had work done? course they have!

I’m glad you noticed this point too @CharlotteRumpling

Gillian McKeith! I think you mean Gillian Taylforth.

Oh sorry, menopausal brain! I didn't know who she was, but I assume all women on TV have had work done.

I have said this before, and nobody believed me, but I don;t want to look like women in the glamour industry, and I don't need to, luckily.

Except for Isabella Rossellini, who has done nothing to her face, and looks absolutely great in my view.

I hate being invisible. Its not the male gaze I want, I just do not want to be treated like I do not bloody exist.

I always think when I look at photos of people at party political conferences "ugh they're all so OLD AND DRAB". Not just women - there's some homogenising effect. My plan is facelift (I know it doesn't make you look young but it can make you look fabulous), weights and bright unapologetic colours.

How do you know she hasn’t had anything done, unless you are close to her personally? She may well have had procedures, but done really well!

👆👆👆

Not only do you lose social and sexual currency as you age as a woman (and also you know, just see your body decline as a human), you’re also not following the party line if you admit to disliking it

I think it’s great if it doesn’t bother you but it should be fine to admit if it does. It feels great to be attractive and youthful and in your physical prime and to enjoy enjoying your appearance. It’s normal to regret its loss. It’s fine to voice that.

I just saw Isabella in "La Chimera".. She is incredibly wrinkly. Incredibly. I like it! She looks real and can move her face, unlike most of Hollywood.

I very much doubt that she has had anything done because if she has, the surgeon has done a terrible job, if you catch my drift.

@OptimismvsRealism I was at an event last night where sitting next to me was a slim woman in her early sixties wearing a bright dress with spiky dyed hair. It would have looked great when she was 20, but she just looked quite frumpy.

I'm 43 and if somebody could give me my jawline back I'd be happy with the crow's feet, sagging tits & grey hair. Is there truly no reliable way to replenish collagen? Otherwise I'll definitely be contemplating a facelift in the next few years I reckon.

Totally get it. Worst thing for me is since the menopause my hair has thinned so much! It's scary. I feel like one day I might just cut it all off and wear a wig. I recently lost a stone and I actually look OLDER now as I've lost fat in my face! Can't bloody win.

But...I'm trying to be grateful for what I DO have, which is reasonably good health and still being alive at nearly 60. I'm currently watching the documentary about Celine Dionne, who is 56 and has Stiff Person Syndrome, which is horrific. At one point, she shows us what her voice now sounds like, as her chest is seized up. Her voice is so croaky, not the magnificent voice she used to have and she actually says how difficult it is for her and how she doesn't want people to hear it. But she went on camera and did it anyway. So inspired and humbled by her bravery.

So maybe a few wrinkles and a few extra pounds isn't so bad in the scheme of things...

If you're not happy with yourself, go to the gym, lose the Ibs, buy a new wardrobe, or dont, it's all within your power.

Yes and also "women don't owe you pretty" can't think who wrote it but it's great

Inspired! Thank you x

I feel like this. Some of it is self inflicted. I've eaten badly for the last two years. Therfore I'm overweight. Some of it is stress and age, most of it is wine and bread.

I've elected to start looking after myself more eating wise. And walking and etc. I can't complain about my lot if I'm not trying.

The rest of it-the aging face, the changing hair texture etc etc, there isn't much I can do about it bar accept it and figure out how to wear it as best as it can be.

Not disputing that at all, I have Botox myself.

I’d love to be 43 again. I’m many years older than you. I don’t have grey hair, crow’s feet, or particularly saggy tits but I hate my neck and bingo wings! We’ve all got “ bits” we hate!