Struggling with getting older, fatter and uglier

[ArgumentativeAntithetical]

That's it, really. I turn 51 in a few weeks and I loathe what I see in the mirror. I know I'm supposed to relish the freedom from the male gaze/ expectations of attractiveness etc etc that ageing brings but instead I just feel shit. Like I'm sinking into obscurity to join the stereotypical ranks of slightly overweight, plain, dull middle-aged women.

I try to eat well, I get a bit of exercise (although not enough), I try to dress reasonably stylishly (although fuck-all fits anymore). But I caught sight of myself yesterday in a sundress I've worn for years and always thought was flattering, and I just looked like a sweaty sack of potatoes. I'm not sure that DH really fancies me anymore.

I hate that I feel this way. It feels vain and inconsequential to worry about the size of my stomach or the number of chins I have. But fucking hell I don't feel like ME anymore.

Can anyone relate? I'm making myself miserable.

(And yes I am peri and on HRT!)

The answer is simple:
Do shitloads of exercise: cardio / weights / yoga.
Eat one meal a day cooked from scratch. Fruit the rest of the day. No UPFs or snacks at all.
give yourself three months of the above, do not weigh yourself, go by how your clothes feel.

I drink like a fish so that’s my vice.

This is fantastic advice OP. I'm a few year older than you OP and long grown out of my 'head turning' phase but I'm much happier in my skin than when I was younger largely because I feel I have nothing to prove to anyone. Quite frankly if someone doesn't like how I look that's their problem.
Also I'm a firm believer in getting older is much better than the alternative!!!

I drink like a fish so that’s my vice.

Timely reminder to place an order for more biodynamic wine …

If I told you I'm a qualified yoga teacher and already fast for 16+ hours a day...

I don't know why I feel like this. My physical confidence is rock bottom. I just seem to be going backwards.

I'm the same age as you and you are so right. I looked great in a dress for Ascot in the mirror but the photos 🙈who is this dumpy woman.in a baggy dress, something changes between mirror and photos, it's witchcraft.

OP
I'm 54 and get days like this and then it passes and remember to concentrate on all the positives.

We're privileged to have got to our age!

But I do understand where you're coming from. It's a transition I think.

Regarding weight, I could probably do with losing half a stone but life is short and I love biscuits!

There are times in your life when you really need to invest in new clothes. This is one of them. You will look and feel better in clothes that fit well and are flattering to your current body type, and yes, you need to be realistic about what your body now looks like.

I feel like this & I’m 41

It's the menopause, it robs you of your younger self and really affects confidence as you're unfortunately finding out.

62 and I am no way rolling over and disappearing. I have earned every wrinkle and line, the belly is there whether I put a sack over it or not, so I don't disguise it, just make sure I feel good in what I wear and that impacts on my mood and how I hold myself. I dress in bright colours, love my costume jewellery, always wash hair and wear subtle make up. Oh, I shouldn't forget my footwear, as I do like a statement shoe too. I just try to maintain what I have, keep nails natural but loved and my wardrobe is not fashionable but definitely not frumpy and I only have a few key pieces from years back and still enjoy the search for clothing, but buy less but focus on items that are those I really want (I will save up) rather than compromise. I like the blog 'thatsnotmyage' and I'd recommend just trying new things, as we change and sometimes holding on to what was drags us down, we need to reach forward not regret what was. Tomorrow is day one of the new year, so best foot forward and go for what brings you joy!

Aw love, it’s just painful isn’t it. Feelings do come and go, you are in a storm, it will pass. I think it’s okay to feel shit and just let the feelings be there,, don’t try to chase them away. A lot of all we do (exercise, diet, cosmetics blah blah blah,) is based on avoidance rather than self love/acceptance, but the feelings just come back again.
at the same time though, drawing out that loud critical voice so you can challenge it is very healthy, you can tell it to fuck off
I came across an exercise on a therapy course once that always helps me reset- say you’ve got a problem with the way your neck looks. you would write a letter to yourself from the perspective of your neck. “Dear owner, I have worked tirelessly to hold up your head for the last 50 years and I am so sad that you think I’m not good enough now. I am part of the system that sustained you, I allow you to breath and eat, please be kind to me…”

Personally, it's not misogyny, it's all the fucking chins.

Multiple chins are not attractive on anyone. Name me a celebrity with multiple chins that is a foxy smash????

If my hairdresser could highlight my chins away, I'd be a happy woman.

I've given myself the ick <shudder>

I would put money on it being posture. My posture used to be great. It’s gone to sit since having children. When you try a dress on and looking in the mirror you automatically stand up straight. Then you go into life and forget. This is a reminder to me to also stand up straight!!

I'm 45 and don't struggle with "weight, ugliness or chins".
Not dieting, either, but obviously have other problems, before I'm jumped at for "boasting".
The thing is, I've never had kids, can that have a bearing?
I'm sure I will catch up, anyway.

That should say ‘my posture has gone to shit’

Yes OP I feel exactly the same. As soon as I turned 50 I’ve just felt shit. When I started peri my boobs went from 34b to 36d and I fucking hate them. Put on weight, buy clothes and they look shit. Hairs awful and suddenly masses of grey AND used to be able to get away with not wearing any make up but looked shocking in the office today <sob>

It's the 49/50 event horizon of hormonal chinny doom. You've got five years so cram in as much sex as humanly possible.

😂
Thanks for advice, gone off sex at 42!

It’s so bloody hard this ageing malarkey, I’m 56 and I do scrub up pretty well still but it takes so much effort now, I used to be able to do my make up in 5 minutes flat, now it takes ages, my brows have thinned so that takes longer, my eyes lashes are now short and sparse so putting on mascara takes forever, it’s harder to put on eye make up because my eyelids have disappeared, my lips are thinner and have lost their colour so a slick of lipstick isn’t enough, and my face and neck are heading south rapidly, my hair which used to be shiny and glossy is now the texture of a Brillo pad so takes ages to tame and style and don’t get me started on having to reduce calories but increasing exercise just to not gain weight, it’s exhausting, and yes I know I don’t have to do any of it but I’m with the OP on this.

I’ve noticed that although older celebrities, presenters on TV are wrinkled, they don’t seem to have turkey necks as well. Surely they don’t all have neck lifts? I've yet to find a non surgical treatment that works, and so called vanishing cream that my mum used to use, doesn’t make turkey necks vanish. It’s the loss of a good jawline and smooth neck that screams old age, and I find the mirrors in the hairdressers accentuate that!

I had no issues at 45, was in my prime, menopause hit at 51 and that’s when it all started to change.

I am sixty and fighting all the way. Professionals like plastic surgeons tell me I do look considerably younger. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that for the first time in my life (other than being pregnant) I am not the lithe 8 stone I've always been. I'm not fat or even what most people would describe as overweight but I feel a bit podgy and my stomach and thighs are a bit wobbly. Some of my clothes don't fit so well any more and some of them simply don't flatter me now - barring surgery I'm not going to wear a polo neck ever again. Intellectually I know I should accept it and dress for the body I have now and not risk a general anaesthetic and something going wrong and just have little tweaks.

I once read an article about an interview with Marie Helvin who was a very famous model in the 1960s. She said that she had a black dress that was her go to outfit and made her feel wonderful. One day she put it on and she said it just looked cheap and unflattering. So it even happens to super models. Get a new sundress and check the back view of anything you buy.

I'm starting going to the gym tomorrow. I might take my son who frets about being too thin! And walking everywhere.

The neck and sagging jowls are really the biggest indicators of ageing I think, wrinkles are characterful, can’t say that about a melting jawline.

You forgot wrinklier.

I’m 61 and get you. Try and do things which make you feel good. A good haircut works wonders-my hair started getting wavier in middle age,so have shaggy layers with a fringe instead of an old triangle bob. Much better. I get my eyebrows tinted and shaped-worth every penny of 16 quid. I have varicose veins, old age warts and moles so sadly, don’t want to wear revealing clothes anymore-have to look for longer dresses and higher necks but there is plenty of flattering stuff out there which doesn’t look like a sack. I do make sure I get lots of exercise which has kept me in shape rather than flabby-makes a huge difference. And definitely think about looking back in 10 years time and thinking didnt I look great-make the most of what you have rather than longing for how you used to be. And don’t be fazed by the misogyny comments-my dh is the same age and he still gets a pang over a bit of hair loss and chin not as firm as it used to be.