things that just don't work for you..

[HeavyHeidi]

Ordered another pleated midi skirt. In the ad and my imagination one would wear it with a simple plain t-shirt or blouse and it would make you look classic, elegant, have this summer in the city vibe.

In reality - Russian babushka with an arse the size of a small country.
It's always like that and every 6 months and so I will still order another, just to try if things have changed. They will not have changed.

Do others have stuff that just doesn't work as advertised?

I don't suit clothes that the market aims at my age group (40's). I love the aesthetic of Toast, Cos, etc but really don't suit them. Instead I suit tight leisurewear or beige, soft ballerina type stuff. It pisses me off.

Also anything like city wear - trench coats, oxford shirts, lady shoes , proper 'trousers' all make me look insane.

I can get away with hiking gear and love long winter coats but i either look like im off to yoga most days or can't be arse getting dressed - and i put care into it!
I gave up long ago attempting to look sensible, mature or put together. As long as I am clean, a good eight and have good skin, I say sod it.

*good weight, not eight.

Oh yes to wide legged trousers

in my head I'll be Katherine Hepburn

In reality, tree trunk legs troll woman

Those very baggy wide dresses. Got a shortish one and Dh and both teens concluded I looked like a blueberry. Just ordered a longer pattern one again not right for me look like I have escaped from a gospel choir.

Lounge wear- I look like I've just got out of bed.
Jeans- make me look massive when I'm actually not.
Bodycon dresses- cling in the wrong places.
Fluttery things on chest and sleeves- just look too fussy on me!

MIDI dresses. I have tried on so many but look wide with tree trunk legs!

White and me will never be friends.

Body con. Shudder.

Another no for pleated skirts or dresses. Hideous. I love the look, one of my colleagues often wears one and she always looks amazing.

Yes tes yes yes re: cropped jumpers (etc) looking like wooly bras when rather long of body and big of boob. I dont get the reason why they're so popular and abundant in the shops.

I'm rather tall but not as tall as some ladies (5ft9) but my inside leg is only 27". I also have a stupidly large bosom so buying tops full stop is difficult whenever you shop because of sheer length because both my long torso and chest cause tops to lift up to expose everything when I lift my arms to reach for something.

Most of my tops are actually short dresses of around 36/38 inches because I need at least 33 inches and it can be like pulling teeth to find tops that long.

My own fault because I am fat but I cannot make a midi skirt work for me. I am 5'3 and maxis trail on the ground. As soon as I put a top over a midi skirt I become completely shapeless and enormous around the middle.

Round neck t shirts. Biggish bust and quite a long thick neck, small head. I always look like the tshirt is trying to garrote me.

Some of the other things on here really resonate too.

Tops are never long enough.

I can't do things tucked in, or things that don't hug the slimmish bit in between boobs and tum.

I have FINALLY found leggings that don't fall down but it took a long time.

The jeans that fit me properly may not have been invented yet.

No way would a pleated skirt look good on me, I'd look like a child.

Shorts are very difficult to find.

Maxi dresses, I'm too short.

Showing my arms, I look a stone heavier.

Any type of low cut or tight top, boobs are massive so look 'sexy'

I’m slim with very square shoulders but they’re bony, not muscular.. I cannot wear halter necks, v necks or puffy sleeves. I need a scoop neck to soften the harsh angles.

Pleated skirts make me look wide.

I also have a lipstick graveyard. I love lipstick but I look better without or with something so neutral it’s barely visible.

I love cream but I look like a corpse wearing it.

Shirt dresses. If they fit on the hips, they bag at the bust, and if they fit at the bust then I end up shuffling along like a hedgehog as I try to move my dangerously restricted backside!

OMG I am an hourglass too!!!! I was even wondering whether I should buy one of the DvF wrap dresses to be really really sure that it is not the shape for me.

Absolutely anything that shows my legs. I have truly hideous legs (lipodema). So any dress would have to be maxi and shorts are just not happening.

Wrap dresses are the work of the devil.
They never look good. They gape and pull. I bought a very expensive one, but it just looked like I was out in my dressing gown.
Linen trousers make me look like I have a floordrobe. I don't.

Tucking/half tucking/French tuck whatever it's called - into jeans/trousers. No. The proportion of my torso, which looks perfectly acceptable when I wear a skirt with something tucked in, look really really weird if I tuck into jeans/trousers.

Anything shapeless - I look like a blob. I'm a size 8/10 with a small frame ...

Wrap dresses are terrible on me too. I’m a fairly slim size 12 hourglass shape with large shoulders. I’m always told that a wrap dress is the best shape for my body type, but it’s just not. They somehow manage to make me look kind of square rather than emphasising my waist and curves.

midi skirts do nothing for me either - they make me look pure 1980s Womens Institute frump.

Mom jeans give me a big sticking out tummy even though I don’t carry weight there. I have no idea how.

And I can only hope and pray that those awful tiered baggy floral dresses are on their way out soon as they have outstayed their welcome by at least 2 years. They make me look huge, they make me look frumpy and they don’t suit my face either. I’ve tried so many off hoping for a cool, easy look but no chance.

and while we are on that subject - trainers with dresses. Look good on lots of people but ridiculous on me. I have size 7 feet so maybe that’s why? It really couldn’t look more ridiculous or out of place on me.

Pleated midi skirts make me resemble someone wearing a ruddy lampshade 🙄
or one of those knitted toilet roll covers that were fashionable donkey years ago.
Having an ample bosom wrap dresses definitely don’t suit me unless I want to spend all day yanking the crossover bit back into place.
Flared jeans, supposedly meant to ‘balance you out’ (whatever that’s supposed to mean) just make me look like I have fat ankles.
I guess being 5’6” and a size 16/18 (top) means living in longer tops and straight jeans?
I have completely lost any sense of style since retiring (can you tell!) 😄

Oh, I agree with lipsticks too.
No colour suits me, and lip gloss is just a hair magnet.
And cropped tops. I look like Winnie the Pooh.

Strappy feminine sandals are the other one. I have wide hobbit feet best suited to chunky footwear.

Anything navy blue makes me instantly look like I'm wearing a uniform.

Crew necks make me look like Miss Trunchbull has taken up wrestling.

Belted shirt dresses I look like sack of spuds with a string in the middle.
But shirred waist dresses like Hush Kensington look amazing on me. I can't figure out the trick here, they're basically the same thing, no?

Oh god so many things.
Pleated skirts
Wrap dresses
Belted anything
Jumpsuits
Mom jeans
Roll necks
Body con anything
Bias cut anything
Slinky materials

I have an hourglass figure and appearance like Kate Winslet. I want to look good in that really minimal androgynous style of clothing that’s loose and straight cut. But it makes me look enormous because it skims over my wide parts and doesn’t show the narrow parts. I need to be cinched in at the waist in order to look like a normal size. It’s the bane of my life because I don’t like that classic rounded look at all, I want to look bony and androgynous.