things that just don't work for you..

[HeavyHeidi]

Ordered another pleated midi skirt. In the ad and my imagination one would wear it with a simple plain t-shirt or blouse and it would make you look classic, elegant, have this summer in the city vibe.

In reality - Russian babushka with an arse the size of a small country.
It's always like that and every 6 months and so I will still order another, just to try if things have changed. They will not have changed.

Do others have stuff that just doesn't work as advertised?

This thread is bloody funny!
Uncle Fester
Look like I live in my car
My companion Marjorie
Frodo hiking to Mordor
Dick Emery in heels

Blazers make me look like a 6 year old dressed up in her mums clothes, ditto red lipstick.

Like a pp, I also love the idea of masculine/androgynous style. Comfortable but cool. Loose trousers, shirt, oversized blazer, brogues maybe.
Somehow I always end up looking like I went to a costume party dressed as a middle-aged male lawyer.

Actually anything grown up makes me look like I've raided the dressing up box. Tailored trousers, jackets, shirts, brogues.

As a result I dress like a toddler. Dungarees, playsuit, skater dress with leggings under etc
I'm 5ft1 so can get away with it.

Agree re pleated skirts - just make me look huge.
Navy or burgundy reminds me of school uniform.
Pale pastel colours, beige, salmon pink etc all make me look terrible.
Anything that suits a tall, straight up and down figure, like a drop waist flapper dress, is never going to be my friend. I love wrap dresses (agree you need to find the labels that work for you), and high waisted trousers that make my legs look longer.

Midi skirts - make my legs look dumpy.

Dresses with belts at belly button level (waistline needs to be higher).

Dungarees - look like a giant toddler or a Teletubby.

Orange or sage green clothes - make my skin tone turn vampire.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal 😂😂😂that’s me in a loose fitting dress too.

I buy all my tee shirts and zipped walking jackets in the men's departments. Got a fab jacket that is just the same as Regatta for 25 quid in Primark. Yes... I know but it has the length to cover my arse, deep pockets, a chest zip pocket and an internal pocket, it is waterproof and windproof and is light but warm, lovely sage green colour too. Great to roll up and put in the backpack when out for a long walk.
I spend more time in the men's departments than the women's! I even got great slippers for the Winter too. Lovely fit as I have wide feet. Men are looked after, women are short changed.

Pretty much anything that shows up in those 'eternal classics' lists.
I am short, fat, and vaguely hourglassy but with a tummy and ginormous boobs.

Tan trenchcoat - the shape is bad enough (basically commencement robes), but the colour also makes me look sick

Crisp white shirts and plain crew neck white tees - get coffee stains before I've even taken them out of the bag

Jeans - impossible to find some that fit and feel comfortable rather than stiff and restrictive

Navy blazer/jacket - just no

Long floral dresses with puffed sleeves - Little House on the Prairie/sister-wife gone to town but with sweatstains because they are usually supernasty polyester

Yes @EverybodysALebowski
Tan trench coats, camel coats, tan boots. How many people do those colours really suit?
As a jewel winter they just make me look ill.

And camel/tan are just other words for beige really.

Biker gym shorts. I love the idea - short and cool for hot days, but long enough so they don't climb up like hotpant length ones. My legs in any other gymwear are totally reasonable - full length, capri, short shorts - no problem.

Cycling length and I have sausages instead of legs. Fat short chubby sausages.
And I keep buying them.

This reminds me of the thread in classics where the OP had dreams of carefree stylishness with a new cropped leather jacket.

Reality, she described as 'Suzi Quatro's fat nan'

Leather jackets. They make me look like a busty barmaid.

Wide or cropped trousers. Wide cropped cargo/combat trousers are particularly bad. Full length skinny combats are fine.

A-line skirts.
Wide shorts
capri pants and mid-calf/below-the-knee leggings

Butterfly sleeves, cap sleeves and puffed sleeves, padded shoulders - my shoulders are wide enough without the extra help

White, with my colouring. Less beachy, more melting coconut ice. White blouses - old-school librarian by day, financial dominatrix by night. White summer dresses - hold my cauldron, pass my broomstick.

It's those trousers that are not long enough that I can't stand - either on me or on anyone else for that matter. Longer than Capri and flowing/flapping. Yuk!

Hats. I look like Benny Hill in a hat

@RampantIvy I am a camel wearer. So to speak lol.

I look ill in cool colors. Can't wear blue, purple, red unless it's on the orange/ brown end. It depends on your skin tone.

Funniest thread for ages . Particularly liked Herr Flicks apprentice .
DisgruntledPelican

@NoNorthernSoul55 I'm 5ft10 and get bodies from the "tall" ranges.Cant help you with the pube problem though!

Assuming you meant they cut you in half because you're tall that is

JimmyMcNultyIsMine

I long to be able to wear a "Crisp, White, Shirt". Tucked into jeans/leather skirt/anything. Slightly fitted. But I have wide shoulders and big of boob. And any excess weight goes to my upper arms. So if the crisp white shirt fits over those bits then the rest becomes flabby white shirt. If it fits the rest of my body "crisply" I have gaping buttons ala Barbara WIndsor in the Carry on Films.

This is why I'm so sad that Bravissimo/Pepperberry aren't making clothes anymore. I've got a white cotton shirt from them that fits my bust with no gaping (it's got extra small buttons on the inside to ensure everything stays closed), then tapers in to actually fit my body properly too. I've got a few more tops from them that work equally well, including one denim shirt that inspired DH to do a double take away from the cricket and exclaim: "That looks really sexy!". I can't emphasise enough how remarkable that shirt must look.
I've also got a couple of their dresses which also fit beautifully, but not many because they tended mostly to be quite short and made me look like I needed to be bought a new one next term.

I'm another who yearns for a red lipstick that doesn't make me look like the Joker.
Every so often I fall for the line "There's a red for everyone" or "A slick of red lipstick is a classic look that everyone can carry off".
There isn't and it just isn't. And I've got a box of the things now to prove it.

Oh! And false eyelashes.
They look great if someone else puts them on me, but I always seem to stick them halfway up my real eyelashes.

Floaty maxi dresses: “I’ve given up and gone to live on a farm”
Belts: “COME AND LOOK AT ALL THE BOOBS I HAVE GATHERED”
3/4 length trousers: “Oompah loompa, dip a dee doo. I’ve got another puzzle for you”
Heels: Fat donkey on stilts
Long coat: thought I looked like Trinity in The Matrix. Looked like Columbo.

Dark hair.
It was 2009 and I was trying to channel Cheryl Cole as new X-factor judge. Sadly I had not factored in that Cheryl was tanned and wore a lot of make-up.
I ended up looking like an anaemic Wednesday Adams.
I have been blonde ever since.

Centre parting
Just need the dress made from curtains and a one way ticket to Salt Lake City.