things that just don't work for you..

[HeavyHeidi]

Ordered another pleated midi skirt. In the ad and my imagination one would wear it with a simple plain t-shirt or blouse and it would make you look classic, elegant, have this summer in the city vibe.

In reality - Russian babushka with an arse the size of a small country.
It's always like that and every 6 months and so I will still order another, just to try if things have changed. They will not have changed.

Do others have stuff that just doesn't work as advertised?

I struggle with any sort of dress and pleated or full long skirts are a no. I do suit a skirt that is long and bias cut, a slip skirt is often the description. They are flattering on me. Anything that is voluminous up top just makes me look large yet others seem to be able to pull of the linen tunic look and look amazing. It's a pain in the ass.

The hush Tara dress.

When. Will. I. Learn.

i’m 5”2 with G cup boobs and thighs like a pit pony!!

See also: Shorts. Blazers. Linen. Jersey. Any draping.

Another wrap dress disaster here!

there’s always at least one big boob trying to tip out😡 I’m over-hot & menopausal, so couldn’t bear wearing another layer underneath, so I’ve given up with the wrap dresses!
Ankle grazer trousers actually graze the floor on my dainty (squat and below 5ft tall!) height.
I walk like Dick Emery in heels, and most footwear, even trainers act like bacon slicers on my weird feet!🫤

I've been saved from wrap dresses by another rule, nothing that can blow up or open! It tends toward blustery here. Skirts and dresses are long and weighty, or get anchored by a long jumper.

Any clothing which is white. How do people wear it? It gets marked and stained so that I look like I neglect the laundry duties. I once wore a pair of white trousers and managed to get a brown stain on the arse so I looked incontinent.

I think I am the lone wrap dress suitee! I am a squat pear/hourglass with a tummy and a very short waist (envious aren't you....) and they skim without clinging so work well for me.

On the other hand......

Linen - messy and uncomfortable
Muted colours - corpse
Jeans - uncomfortable and always too big at the waist
Wide legged trousers - hilariously bad . Hang from my widest point and make me look like a square
Trousers in general - I have this sort of circle of doom from waist to knee with a flabby lower tummy and honestly massive thighs so it just looks squashed.

You'd think based on the above that some sort of tunic shape would work but I look like I should be working for chairman mao.
Most shoes - wide feet and high arches

I live in hush harem pant style trousers with t shirts and soft blazers for work. It's not great but it's ok. I sling on the wrap dresses for smarter things.

T shirt dress = t shirt on me too.

I just stock up whenever I see anything suitable. Not for me the luxury of choosing a t shirt from the t shirt section. Apart from the odd one in Next. They have a tall range which can be long enough, but invariably offer the long option in only a couple of the colours (i.e. navy and black). I’m 5’4”.

Pleated skirts. I would love to wear one with a simple top tucked into it. In reality my hips look ten feet wide. I have the most beautiful ombré velvet one with a glittery waist in my wardrobe. It looks amazing on the hanger and horrific on me.

Jumpsuits. I ordered two black sleeveless ones from vinted. Both waisted with 3/4 legs. Both made me look like a fat dumpy teletubby. Both in charity shop bag.

Red lipstick. Looks amazing on my friend. Makes me look old and hard faced.

I do suit floaty dresses though so am just sticking with them!

Peplum: pep no.

Nodding in agreement about the red lipstick. I have quite a defined Cupid's bow and I look like a china doll (not in any good way!) if I apply a lipstick straight from the tube without blotting. I have a lovely Mac Russian red and I need to blot it away to almost nothing to make it wearable.

Ditto with the lipodema and hideous legs. I often feel sad that I can't wear dresses unless they're maxi and shorts are an absolute no-no. I always think wide leg trousers will be great as they cover everything but they hang from my wide hips and make me look like a rectangle. I wear boot cut jeans which show the fat knees but disguise the rest!

Also, red lipstick doesn't work, I really want to be a person who just adds a slick of lipstick and looks 'pulled together' (thank you Mother for that term) and instead I have to wear a soft raspberry shade which is dull.

Brogues with a skirt make me look like I live with Marjorie, my ‘companion’, because my ‘fiancé died in the war’.

Pleated midi skirts - cropped Dalek, trundling about.

Trench coat - doodle oodle oo, Inspector Gadget…

Balloon leg jeans - animated skittle.

Brilliant 😅

High waisted jeans - yes, my arse does have its own postcode and yes, I am twenty months pregnant at the age of 48.

Body con dresses - yup, I had two c-sections. Do you like my scar?

Puffed sleeves - yes, I am an Olympic swimmer. And a quarterback. And I left the coat hanger in. All of the above.

Dark lipstick - I will stalk your nightmares.

My skinny ankles and thin feet make converse, trainers etc look too clown feet.
Also can't wear anything boxy, baggy, large prints, leopard print, pastels.
Big boobs and slim frame mean shirts and blouses always gape at the bust or look too big everywhere else.
Dresses with side zips are impossible to fasten because of the boobage mentioned above, I end up being a contortionist.
Eyeliner makes me look like the living dead.

Yellow, I look like I need an urgent liver transplant.
Bodies, as they were called in the 80s. I'm long bodied so they cut me in half. And not being an 'all off' girl, pubic hair stuck in the poppers is very painful. Also see playsuit, jumpsuits, swimming costumes.
Anything shorter than knee length, peplums, crew necks, polo necks, frills,, I could go on.......

Blazers make me look like Uncle Fester

Pleated skirts
Blazers
Paper bag shorts/trousers
Mom jeans
Floral midi/maxi dresses (as in what most people currently wear with white trainers).

All these things are just so unflattering on me and make me look enormous. I’m a size 14, sometimes 16 which I’m aware some people on here will say is huge but these things really do make me look much bigger!

Any trouser other than skinny jeans looks crap on me
shorts and culottes
blazers
Beach cover ups that finish mid thigh
bikinis
sandals with a strap round the whole ankle
(basically anything that the slightly chubby may need to avoid)

Sunglasses. I can't make them sit right with my hair and I look weird with my eyes covered.

No-one looks weird with their eyes covered. It really isn't a good idea to not wear sunglasses in sunny weather. They protect your eyes from ultraviolet (UV) light, and potential eye cancers. Also, daily exposure to the sun’s harmful UV rays over the course of years will significantly increase your risk for developing cataracts, macular degeneration, or other eye conditions.

And how can sunglasses not sit right with your hair?

I really don't understand why anyone wouldn't wear sunglasses.

I’m 5 ft 3 and have candles and am short waisted with narrow but not sloping shoulders.
So I can wear tops with Amy embellishment in the shoulder area as I look like I have enormous epaulettes.
Even though they’re not fashionable, I can only wear skinny jeans as any wider I’d look bulky.
I can’t wear most dresses, certainly not to current long floaty things. The only dresses that suit my body are knee length and straight or tulip shaped. But they show off my cankles.
I can’t wear nothing that you cinch with a belt e.g. a classic Mac or dress as it flair’s enormously and messily at the hips and makes me appear even shorter waisted.
I can’t do the dresses and trainer thing because of the cankles.
So I’m stuck in t shirts, skinny jeans and mum boots like it’s 2010.
They wouldn’t allow me on What not to Wear or 10 Years Younger as they wouldn’t know what to do with me.

Short jeans. I have cankles and so they emphasise the worst part of my legs.

Wrap skirts. They always come open and reveal too much.

Boxy t-shirts, make me look even more shapeless than I am.

I sometimes think I am the only mumsnetter who doesn't have ginormous boobs. Since when did we become such a buxom nation? I don't remember women being this big in the 1970s.

Leather biker jackets.

I really want this to work and to be able to do a cool relaxed look.

But I look like an awkward maiden aunt pretending to be a biker.

I can't do androgenous or cool, I seem to suit soft and feminine but I'm not sure why.
I really have tried to be cooler.

Oh Christ, this is me.