things that just don't work for you..

[HeavyHeidi]

Ordered another pleated midi skirt. In the ad and my imagination one would wear it with a simple plain t-shirt or blouse and it would make you look classic, elegant, have this summer in the city vibe.

In reality - Russian babushka with an arse the size of a small country.
It's always like that and every 6 months and so I will still order another, just to try if things have changed. They will not have changed.

Do others have stuff that just doesn't work as advertised?

That reminds me that I can't wear white. I'm very pale with lightish strawberry blonde hair. It makes me look sickly, or dead. I tried a blouse last year but it still didn't work so I gave it away.

Tucking tops into jeans. Anytime I do this I feel so uncomfortable and think I look terrible I always end up pulling the top out after about half an hour.

Anything white, I wear all black for work and look fine, normal and reasonably healthy.
Put on white and I am Samara from The Ring
Dark hair looks awful and it somehow makes me look so sallow and highlights the lovely purple tone of my eye bags. Its supposed to be summery and light but I just look like a corpse

The white trainer trend. I look like I'm heading to work in a hospital.

Jump suits. I look like an inmate, and if i sit down the fabric gets really up close and personal.

Smart collared white button down shirt. I be taking your orders.

Wrap dresses with a deep V because I have small boobs and no cleavage.
Puff sleeves - arms too big and muscled.
Low-waisted jeans emphasis my hip width and my actual OK waist is hidden under whatever top is covering the builders bum effect

God yes, Shorts. I have dreams that I'm wearing denim shorts with a nice floaty top. Then I wake back up. I'm far too fat anyway at the minute at 12 stone 7 but even at 8 stone 10 I literally could not wear them> My legs are too fat and too short. So envious of larger ladies who have these long graceful legs!!!

Jeans. Especially low waisted jeans but really any of them. My perfectly fine arse just looks ..... gigantic.
Jumpsuits. Ditto.
Anything white. Probably because I'm so panicked that I'll get it grubby.
Wrap dresses/tops - just some which seem to be open to the navel. If there's a stitch in the right place then they're fine.

I've never known why wrap dresses get touted as great for big busts. I always have to wear a vest underneath and/or spend the whole day 'picking' at one side of the top.

Mom jeans! Or basically any non stretchy Jean. I am large of thigh and they sort of cling to the thigh but are really loose on the waist and then create this little pouch

I'm tall and slim, so in theory most things look alright, but a pleated midi skirt also looks terrible on me. Somehow the length plus the 'sticky out-ness' of the style make me look a right frump. I look fine in a straight midi skirt or a mini pleated one but the midi pleated look does not work.

I'm laughing here at these. See I really suit wide trousers/ white/ frills/ hippy tops and, most of all, wrap dresses - small of boob, name that's the key?

I envy everyone in shorts. Women much bigger than me wear them and look great- in proportion and toned legs. Mine are so white they're blue and I have fat knees.

I also look completely hideous in anything with a shirt collar- so no shirt dresses, lovely preppy shirts, linen shirts, silk blouses- nope. Bah!

I'm an apple shape with big boobs, no waist, narrow hips and a tiny flat bum. No matter how hard I try, I look like I'm two people swapped at the middle.

anyone remember Gok Wan (excuse spelling if wrong) he was always advocating belts to 'cinch' in that waist ! I bloody hate the word cinch, cinching just pushes the tummy fat up creating another spare tyre, stupid man....

Belts. Anything with a belt. Makes me look like a barrel.......

Trousers. I've not worn trousers except jeans since I was 20, and I've not worn jeans for the last decade or so. They just never fit me right.

Also most things that button up over my waist/bust (shirt dresses, I am looking at you). Even when I was a slim size 10 they almost always made me look like a policewoman who'd dyed her uniform, or like my boobs were fighting to get out.

Anything yellow. Makes me look like I have the skin tone of a corpse.
Blue nail varnish on toes. Corpse again. Literally just need a name tag tied to my big toe.
Midi dresses. Make me look shorter and wider than I am.
Any jeans other than skinny jeans. Boyfriend, girlfriend,wide leg,boot cut,mum jeans.....look bloody awful in all of them. I have a small bust ,a waist and small hips. In any of those jean styles I just turn into a rectangle.
Tunic dresses. Look like a giant child.
Doc martens. Love the flowery ones. Don't suit me at all.

Skinny jeans. I’ve bought SO many pairs over the years and they all looked rubbish on me.

Red lipstick - there is no shade that suits me. My make-up box is like a lipstick graveyard.

70s style maxi dresses with multiple tiers. If a maxi dress goes straight down as one piece that's okay. If they have multiple tiers I look so wide and as if I am a 'good woman of the parish' in need of a vicar to marry me. Scone anyone ?

I'm very slim, particularly of leg, pretty flat chested and square shouldered, and I have quite a short neck. I struggle with shirt collars, suits (in fact tailoring in general), shoulder pads, anything with puffy sleeves, those strappy swishy maxi summer dresses, deep v necks, most trousers and literally all footwear. Give me super short shorts, flouncy skirts and dresses (without the crazy sleeves) and all the pleats and I am happy!

Slingback shoes. Also pop socks. Neither stay on my feet.

Jeans. Always ill fitting and uncomfortable. I long to wear gorgeous tunic tops and loose shirts with jeans but I'm missing out (they just don't work with skirts).

Linen. Seems to become super creased and crumpled in the space of two seconds.

I've made my peace with never wearing shorts - it took a while but I've finally moved on.

Belted coats are also unavailable to me. I look like a sack of spuds with string tied round my middle.

Ditto with those t-shirt dresses that have a string tie waist. Those are the ones I try again and again. They look like they'd be super comfortable to wear but I cannot make them work.

Boot leg jeans. I was so excited to relive my youth when these came back but I have short legs and look ridiculously curvy even though I’m not a size 8.

Anything purple really washes me out!

OMG yes. I would love to be the sort of woman who wears lipstick, but the only shades that don't look awful are weird, elderly kinds of 'your ordinary lips, but marginally more beige/peach'. And while they don't clash with my skin, they make me want to die.