things that just don't work for you..

[HeavyHeidi]

Ordered another pleated midi skirt. In the ad and my imagination one would wear it with a simple plain t-shirt or blouse and it would make you look classic, elegant, have this summer in the city vibe.

In reality - Russian babushka with an arse the size of a small country.
It's always like that and every 6 months and so I will still order another, just to try if things have changed. They will not have changed.

Do others have stuff that just doesn't work as advertised?

@SuddSuddha - you're complaining about your appearance when you look like Kate Winslet with an hourglass figure?

I'm a small busted tallish pear, so most of those things suit me.

However, I have bony shoulders and a disproportionately long neck so low cut tops and boat necks look awful on me.

I can't wear shift dresses. If they fit on the hips they are too baggy on top.

In my head, I'd like a grown-up surf girl look. Denim shorts, floaty tops, maybe a loose chunky knit jumper slipping artfully off one shoulder..... Or layers of linen......

At 5'4 with biggish boobs, square shoulders and a short body, it's never going to work.

Shift dresses, unfussy maxi dresses, boat/slash necklines. No frills or frou-frous. That's me. I do like bardot tops. An ex boyfriend from my teens once told me I have beautiful skin on my shoulders. It still looks good enough to reveal every now and then 🙂

The much-lauded “crisp white shirt” makes me look like a sensible Home Counties Tory wife who wouldn’t know a sense of humour if it pitched up on the village green in a camper van.
And I have quite broad, square shoulders. They’re sharp and bony rather than bulky, but anything even vaguely like a lumberjack shirt, even in the most delicate way, makes me look like a lumberjack. I think in general I need to be very careful with traditional-style shirts- they can easily make me look drab and dowdy.

Sorry, this automatic name thing is cocking up your user name, as per.

And I hate shirts and V necks on me. Makes any garment look like a uniform.

Anything with a puffy or frilly sleeve, I'm a size 10 but they make me look like a quarterback.

Maxi dresses. In my head, cool and elegant. In reality, dwarf in a sack.

Wrap dresses yes! I am never buying another. I have to do them up so tightly to avoid flashing my tits that they don't sit right and emphasise every lump and bump on my back. The ones I have I wear for work with a vest. The vest not necessarily the look I wanted but at least I can wear them.

I long to be able to wear a "Crisp, White, Shirt". Tucked into jeans/leather skirt/anything. Slightly fitted. But I have wide shoulders and big of boob. And any excess weight goes to my upper arms. So if the crisp white shirt fits over those bits then the rest becomes flabby white shirt. If it fits the rest of my body "crisply" I have gaping buttons ala Barbara WIndsor in the Carry on Films.

I can do wide legged trousers (slim of hips/bum) but cannot do the shirt on top. And a t-shirt doesn't have the same look....

Similar effect with all these floaty, patterned dresses. Wide, fussy shoulders on an outfit just doubles my size and hides my slim rib cage/hips. I love an empire line dress though.

And actually patterns. Full Stop. I have curly hair and freckles. So a lot going on up top visually. If I wear a pattern (apart from maybe a polka dot) it is just too much. I look like a bedroom with different florals on the bed/wall/curtains. Makes my eyes hurt.

OP I feel you. I can't wear anything midi length, and I love pleated skirts but apart from one which is just a bit longer they all look terrible.
Also: belts, tie waists. A shirred waist looks great though

Oversize shirts tucked in over fitted jeans.

I look like Prince Charming / a pirate.

I mean I don’t look like Kate Winslet! But I have that slightly fat English Rose look with the rounded body shape and smaller waist which suits cinched waists and full skirts. But I want to be Kate Moss shaped and wear slim boxy-shaped androgynous clothing, and I can’t.

Linen anything, I look like a bag lady.

I too am this person! Large of nork, ridiculously long of torso in proportion to my height! Most of my comfortable length tops are touted as mini dress and sit just nicely on my hips!

Jeans with pleats at the front.

I look like I am wearing a balloon down my knickers.

And yet I buy a pair roughly every 3-4 months.

I despair at my own idiocy.

There was a phase a few years ago where were lots of tops with contrast collars. I bought a lovely fine knit jumper in navy from Hobbs that had a sweet little white collar. Wore it out the first time and felt a few people looked at me oddly. Mentioned it to my DP who said 'well you do look a bit like a vicar' 😳 I don't hear the collar (detachable) any more!

More generally, anything too unstructured and loose just looks awful on me. I'm 5.6 so not particularly petite, but I definitely need some shape.

And all these floaty tiered dresses at the moment? Monstrous on me.

I always feel like a waitress!

Foundation. Probably lack of skill of application, but it always looks so flat and aging.
Sunglasses. I can't make them sit right with my hair and I look weird with my eyes covered.
Hats. I think they look nice on me, but am just so self conscious in them.
Necklaces. Look fussy and like there's too much going on.

@FindingMeno
"I have wide hobbit feet best suited to chunky footwear."
Try New Look wide fit wedges.

No white, or grey or beige, or yellow or orange. I used to wear black but now look like a corpse. Navy enhances the blue-green undertones in my peely-wally skin.

No prints. Love them on others, on me they seem messy and too much.

No crew or round or slash necklines, nothing across my throat. Only scoop or sweetheart or V or square.

No high or belted waists. Nothing across my stomach. Trousers and skirts sit on my hips.

Nothing above the knee and no shorts, ever.

No denim.

Nothing fitted or restrictive. No pencil skirts or shift dresses or skinny trousers. I do wear lots of merino, which hugs nicely but expands as needed. No artificial stretch, lycra and elastane feel clammy to me.

Reading this back, it's a massive list of exclusions, but I'm not sure how rational they are. Some things I just took against, many are about how things feel rather than how they look. I probably need a lengthy session with an impartial second opinion.

Linnen for me. I love the idea of stylish crisp beautiful cool. The reality is. Crumbled hot red-faced not stylish what so ever.

I do love the idea though

@5128gap
"Foundation. Probably lack of skill of application, but it always looks so flat and aging."
TIP. Mix small squeezes of the following:
serum
moisturiser
skin illumiinator
foundation
Apply to face with a fan brush for best results. It mimicks the effect of that moist South Korean make up look. (I've also applied with fingers).

Ooh thank you! I will give it a go!

Yes, this. I want to rock the ‘natural face, slick of red’ look, but I look like Mrs Potato Face disguised as Barbara Cartland.

Also shorts — cankles and peculiarly fleshy knees.

(This thread is making me laugh, genuinely, especially hiking to Mordor and the zeppelin docking station!)

And actually patterns. Full Stop. I have curly hair and freckles. So a lot going on up top visually. If I wear a pattern (apart from maybe a polka dot) it is just too much. I look like a bedroom with different florals on the bed/wall/curtains. Makes my eyes hurt.

@JimmyMcNultyIsMine This is me with prints and patterns, for the exact same reasons! Just seems messy and too much on top of curly hair, freckles, multi-coloured eyes. I was on the verge on starting a thread asking people to convince me otherwise.