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Original poster

How do you handle your daughter being prettier and more stylish than you?!

182 replies

CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 09:11

I'm semi-lighthearted but I have to admit to a genuine pang yesterday when I went out with DD (nearly 12). She is growing up into such a beautiful girl and really developing her own sense of style. I am so pleased she is feeling more comfortable about herself as she's not the most confident girl but beside her I am ashamed to say I felt like a wrinkly, frumpy old bag (I'm 41).

I love clothes, beauty products and all of that (hence the amount of time I spend on here!) and think I'm reasonably stylish but it all feels a bit forced and try hard whereas with someone younger it seems much more effortless.

I know I sound really shallow but I wonder if other people feel the same. How do I deal with this as she grows up without it becoming an issue? She's not the only one who's not very confident underneath the 'front' we put on.

OP posts:
Brucietheshark · 14/04/2014 09:14

You honestly think that envy of your daughter's youth and beauty is going to become an 'issue'? Really? You don't just feel pleased and proud of her? Have you brought her up to feel that looks are massively important?

I know it's hard, I used to be ok and am now a minger

Really, do try to get some perspective.

Umlauf · 14/04/2014 09:17

I don't know but (without meaning to sound arrogant) I think my mum feels the same about me! I'm 27 & also feel a bit try hard and she is 53, and we have very similar tastes, but very different budgets. I might spot something in Whistles that I love, I find that she often then buys it immediately for herself whilst I might have been saving for it! She also buys my (much higher salaried, less interested in clothes) sister loads of really nice clothes but has never once bought me anything since I was 13, even if I specify a particular thing when she asks what I want for Christmas, for example. She also nicks my make up, and last time I had my hair cut she took a photo and went to her bond st hairdresser for a more expensive version of my hair.

On top of all this she is constantly criticising me for spending money on myself when I should be spending it on my son, and says I look fat or scruffy (I don't!!)

Doesn't really answer your question, but I suppose that is how not to deal with it!!!

fusspot66 · 14/04/2014 09:18

Cambridge Blue.... just grow up.

DowntonTrout · 14/04/2014 09:20

I bask in reflected glory!

Seriously, there is no beauty product that matches youth. Especially if that youth has waist length blonde hair, glowing skin and is tall and slim.

Ledkr · 14/04/2014 09:20

I know what you mean.
Dd is all leggy and gorgeous. She wears stuff I'd like to but can't cos of my five baby belly.
I feel immensely proud of her though and just hope that she doesn't succumb to boys too soon.
I think it's weird to see yourself 30 yrs ago.

destructogirl · 14/04/2014 09:20

My DD is 17 and very very pretty, stunning even. I am distinctly average looking, scrub up ok and on a bad day can look pretty scary awful Grin

It's like she's inherited all the good bits from me and none of the bad, and I'm pretty chuffed about it to be honest. I'm glad she hasn't got to deal with the bad complexion, big nose and flat chest I had at her age.

I've always thought of myself as ugly, and I couldn't be more pleased that DD isn't.
I feel a bit shallow now, writing this, but I suffered such low self esteem through how I looked and I'm glad DD doesn't get that.

Chumhum · 14/04/2014 09:22

I'm absolutely thrilled, it's one of the loveliest issues I have to deal with when it comes to my dd's.

destructogirl · 14/04/2014 09:24

Ooh cross posted with loads of people, I like what DowntonTrout put, 'I bask in reflected glory'. Grin

scarletforya · 14/04/2014 09:24

I'm delighted for my Dd. She's only a child now but she's going to be beautiful whereas I was plain.

I'm really happy for her. I had my time.

Chocolateteabag · 14/04/2014 09:24

Sorry to say it but next to a 12 year old, even a supermodel is going to look old and it's only going one way.

So you need to get a grip and work on celebrating creating such a gorgeous thing. Bask in the knowledge that you created her and work on your own grown up style.

bigTillyMint · 14/04/2014 09:28

Totally agree withChumhum.

munchkinmaster · 14/04/2014 09:28

I look shit and un put together next to my daughter. She wears lovely brands, put together in fab outfits, has a lovely smile, soft perfect hair, amazing skin. Loads of confidence.

She is 2!

Chocolateteabag · 14/04/2014 09:28

Oops cross posted with lots of others saying same thing

JuanPotatoTwo · 14/04/2014 09:29

destructogirl you took the words out of my mouth. Dd is 19 and taller, shapelier, prettier and more confident than I ever was. Significantly perhaps, she's also loved by her parents more than I ever was.

I don't feel remotely envious - just proud of everything that makes her "her".

lurkingaround · 14/04/2014 09:31

How do I handle it?
With great delight and pride.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 09:34

...work on your own grown up style That's obviously what I need to do, I am just not that confident of my own fading looks or in what I wear.

Of course I celebrate my daughter's loveliness and am happy for her (as I said in my OP) but I think it's natural to feel a tiny bit of envy when you're past your best yourself. I don't want it to become an issue and don't think it will because I am a grown up (but thanks for the reminder fusspot) and am just airing my thoughts and musing with a bunch of strangers to whom looks etc obviously matter too seeing as they are frequenting a style and beauty forum.

Thanks for the sensible, supportive responses :)

OP posts:
Niklepic · 14/04/2014 09:36

I handle being out with my absolutely gorgeous 16 year old by glaring at all the pervs men who stare at her!

flewlady · 14/04/2014 09:37

My looks and shape are fading too Cambridge it's very disconcerting isn't it? Nothing seems to work on me anymore and I'm focussing on the down bits rather than the up bits.

Work on your own grown up style is great advice, where shall we start? :)

noddyholder · 14/04/2014 09:38

Compliment her. My mother was jealous of us and ridiculed ad put us down and it had long lasting effect. She is old now and still obsessed with how she looks and others I have only a ds but know many of his girl friends all 19 ad grgeous and I am happy for them it's a fun time

Nocomet · 14/04/2014 09:45

I've never cared much what I look like, but even I get a slight pang of envy when DD1(16) borrows my clothes and the look better on her.

And I have always envied her her long auburn hair. I always wanted really long hair and mine just stops and splits.

I'm not in the least jealous of DD2, she has natural sense of style and fashion and a the sort of quiet beauty that looks right in a beautiful dress, Superdry hoodie or a Tshirt from Primark. She also does gymnastics.

She's so far out of me and DD1's league we don't worry.

Mignonette · 14/04/2014 09:47

I love how the children have grown up and couldn't conceive of feeling envious of my daughter (or sons) youth or beauty. I hated it when men eyed her up when she was in her early teens but I want my children to be happy, fulfilled in their work and life and also to be stylish and feel good.

Not envious in the least. I can scrub up well too Wink but don't aspire to look anything other than what I am- a mid forties woman who loves fashion and style but who couldn't give a flying fig about how old others perceive her to be. I don't do anything invasive; I'd never have botox or fillers and think that plastic shiny look is the most ageing of all.

Ultimately my philosophy is that you should want your children to be better than you. To do better than you and not make the mistakes you have (although they make ones all their own!)

AllDirections · 14/04/2014 09:48

I'm absolutely thrilled, it's one of the loveliest issues I have to deal with when it comes to my dd's

Me too. I feel so proud of my DDs and absolute amazement that I created such beautiful beings.

I went shopping with DD1 (17) the other day and I tried on a playsuit. DD1 said she liked it too so I decided not to buy it for me. I'm too old to wear a playsuit anywhere but the beach but she can wear it all the time. I do feel a bit sad sometimes that I'm too old to wear certain things but I'm definitely not envious of my DDs. I had my time!

Electriclaundryland · 14/04/2014 09:52

I don't have a daughter, but I'm not really bothered by my fading looks. I'm glad I don't get cat calls from builders anymore. It is quite liberating being 'invisible' and middle aged.

My sons are gorgeous and beautiful and I am so proud to have them.

I would try to tackle the issues separately. Come to terms with your own looks and age with grace and elegance. Be proud of your daughter, she is beautiful but she'll age too.

DowntonTrout · 14/04/2014 09:53

Just to say, I have a friend who basks in her DDs glory a little bit too much. She has made a friend of her to the extent of going out for cocktails, encouraging her DD to wear- almost nothing ( she used the words "sexy Thai style" to describe her)
She always offers to have her friends around for Prinks so she can join in and loves that they all beg her to go clubbing with them. Her DD hates it as she feels embarrassed.

Mignonette · 14/04/2014 09:55

I'm not a subscriber to the belief that you are past your 'best Camb. If you consider the best times to be behind you, they sadly will be. It is hard to shrug off the premium placed upon youthful looks as a yardstick by which to measure yourself but it can be done.

Finding new role models both in looks and achievements/attitudes might help. There are a lot of gorgeous and bright older women around who aren't 'gorgeous' because they look young for their age.

I don't know if you are sporty but another way to gain new appreciation of your body is to take up a hobby that makes it move and work in a different way. A lot of women develop new respect and appreciation for themselves from adult ballet. Fencing or riding are other sports that help posture and attitude.