How do you handle your daughter being prettier and more stylish than you?!

[CambridgeBlue]

I'm semi-lighthearted but I have to admit to a genuine pang yesterday when I went out with DD (nearly 12). She is growing up into such a beautiful girl and really developing her own sense of style. I am so pleased she is feeling more comfortable about herself as she's not the most confident girl but beside her I am ashamed to say I felt like a wrinkly, frumpy old bag (I'm 41).

I love clothes, beauty products and all of that (hence the amount of time I spend on here!) and think I'm reasonably stylish but it all feels a bit forced and try hard whereas with someone younger it seems much more effortless.

I know I sound really shallow but I wonder if other people feel the same. How do I deal with this as she grows up without it becoming an issue? She's not the only one who's not very confident underneath the 'front' we put on.

I think it's definitely a subject worth talking about. It touches on all sorts of very deep, important things - I'm thinking particularly of experiences of terrible loss, but also the incredible love most of us feel for our children, and the forces that impel us to birth and raise chilldren, love and desire others, and yearn to live more than this one life. Some of the feelings are not the sort of thing you can just chat about with just anyone. That;s why Mumsnet can feel like such an amazing place.

I don't like the idea that just because it's "Style and Beauty" stuff, it's trivial. Or that women can only give voice to the easily acknowledged things. Life is big, and wonderful but also terrible and appalling: utterly sublime - and all these things potentially fall into our conversations. I do think that as we parent, we often come up against the raw edge of human experience. Some of that is lovely, some of it isn't. And the "deep" stuff doesn't just come up at appropriate moments: it can also come upon you as you are looking at lipstick in Boots.

I think it's fine and healthy to compliment your child on their looks as long as long as they're also paid compliments on things that have nothing to do with their physical appearance, 'you're great at doing handstands/you draw so beautifully/you tell really funny jokes'.

It's so easy, almost instinctive I think in our society to compliment a little girl on her appearance. Boys don't get it as much. So now when I meet a little girl I make a conscious effort to chat to them about something else as I don't think it's the best idea to teach girls that their looks are the most interesting thing about them.

I think your last sentence is very true indeed Squoosh.

Because this is a thread about beauty, per se.

That's what people are discussing, I couldn't agree more that if this is the ONLY thing parents are remarking on with regards to their children, that's not healthy. But there's no evidence to suggest this is the case.

Plenty of people have come onto this thread to say that they were deeply affected by being told they were unattractive, fat, ugly, etc. And lots of people have come on to say they were bolstered by parents who were complimentary to them. I'd say these two categories make up the vast majority of the thread.

But yes, again for the record, if people are only focusing on their children's looks that's not going to result in healthy outcomes. But there is no evidence that this is the case.

No. Because g + t kids are measurable. Beauty is subjective and anecdotal.

Sunshine - I think personally that praising works better when its about the effort a child has put into something. So with education 'well done you worked really hard on that' rather than 'well done you're just so clever'.

And beauty or perceived beauty - well its so subjective and not something that I want my daughter to get too fixated on.

We just all need to work on finding the middle ground so our children feel comfortable in how they look but know its not the most important thing about them which is I'm sure what we all feel anyway.

But I do get where Partridge is coming from regarding people saying how gorgeous their children are. But then this is mn and I assume no-one goes round telling all their friends that their own children are the most beautiful

We also live in a society where far too much store is put on youth and beauty. I think most people would agree with this. This is not the case for gifted and talented aspects of character. So the analogy doesn't make much sense.

Good point mrsc. Maybe there is something quite sweet about people thinking their children are beautiful (although I can't help thinking that self-awareness is a beautiful thing - not much of that demonstrated on here sadly).

It is the sense of measuring beauty/ comparing small children to celebrities/ family members who have won beauty competitions that makes me so uncomfortable. I am probably not articulating myself v well.

I see many many children and very few are conventionally head-turningly beautiful (although lots of them are very engaging to look at and speak to). But judging by this thread mnetters have most of them.

Just to throw this thought into the mix: I was raised with a distinct idea that it was absolutely, morally wrong to think about appearance at all. It was a sin. Bodies were sinful, in fact. If someone looked at you in a desiring way, that was because you (a girl) were acting like a slut. It wasn't always spelled out: a lot of it was implicit.

I think you can see that in that context, aiming to instill a degree of bodily self-love, and loving acceptance of physical appearance, and the attendant issues of sexual desire, has a political imperative.

I'd point you towards "The Bluest Eye" and "Bailey's Cafe" for a discussion of a racial dimension to this; and the work of writers such as Ahdaf Souif and Manny Sharazi for a religious-political dimension.

Parenting is pretty much always political: it is about the reproduction of social and political belief and about attempting to "picj up the dropped stitches" (Collette's phrase) as we try to heal ourselves, our to exceed ourselves, or just do better.

In the main, most of us try. But ... it is bloody hard. And I think we place way too much blame on ourselves (as mothers). I think that one of our modern tasks as mothers should be about re-thinking how much we do, and the importance of our role, and also how much we are not responsible for (what we don't do). And we should think about that as mothers and as daughters.

Has anyone ever experienced the situation of meeting someone - someone very ordinary looking, with no great distinguishing features in the good looks department....

And then you get to know them, and gradually, out of nowhere you're suddenly under the spell of this 'beautiful' person?!

I think that when it comes to your chidren, it's just this phenomena, multiplied by a thousand. :)

Bland indeed if all people talk about is appearance.

Thecatfromjapan, you always have very interesting points.
Have you thought about writing a book?

The open innocent young healthy promise of a better future in all children is beautiful.

Express what you like about other people's kids beauty, but maybe try and talk to them about other things too, what they're reading, creepy crawlies, their favourite toys, how to make the best mud pie...........

If all you can think to chat about is looks you need to expand your repertoire.

No, but you seemed to be having difficulty with the idea of talking to children about matters other than their looks.

squoosh Your comment did make me laugh. To be honest. It was one of those comments that came to my mind because I read this thread. I just remember my mother always telling me to take care of my own health and to find happiness. (And it did take me a while to figure what that meant. I am closer to it now though.)

I just took a wrong path in my life, and I like to get back on track. On the note about kids and how to raise them, I was so scared of raising one that I didn't even consider it. But now there is an intrinsic desire to want a child. Could be hormones, or it could be my instinct telling me to "make a move" and correct my life a little bit.

I think my dm had an issue with my developing my own style when I was growing up and in my teen years, I believe that she tried to control the way I dressed by choosing my clothes when clothes shopping and by actively discouraging me from experimenting with make up and insisting that I wait until I'm 18. As a result, my relationship with her was very strained and still can be today but for different reasons.

My dd is 6 and she is absolutely beautiful inside and out. I have not reached the stage where she's fashion aware and becoming style conscious. If she does become more stylish than me then it's not really something that I would be concerned about. However, dressing beyond her years might be. My dd is already much prettier than me and will probably be even more so as she gets older. I wouldn't begrudge any of it.

I think maybe we need to revise our notion of beauty. Mud pies and innocence are beautiful. Not just looking like nigella Lawson, being more beautiful than a previous beauty contest winner, being intrinsically stylish, having coltish long legs etc etc.

That stuff is depressing and panders to the patriarchal side of our society that is obsessed with air brushing and Botox.

My nearly 12 year old is gorgeous and stylish whilst I am distinctly frumpy (let myself go a bit recently ) - tbh I am just delighted for her. I should probably tidy myself up a bit, if only because people are so shallow and accord you less respect when you look like a bag of spanners - but I don't really feel a pang that she's pleasing to the eye and I am no longer!