How do you handle your daughter being prettier and more stylish than you?!

[CambridgeBlue]

I'm semi-lighthearted but I have to admit to a genuine pang yesterday when I went out with DD (nearly 12). She is growing up into such a beautiful girl and really developing her own sense of style. I am so pleased she is feeling more comfortable about herself as she's not the most confident girl but beside her I am ashamed to say I felt like a wrinkly, frumpy old bag (I'm 41).

I love clothes, beauty products and all of that (hence the amount of time I spend on here!) and think I'm reasonably stylish but it all feels a bit forced and try hard whereas with someone younger it seems much more effortless.

I know I sound really shallow but I wonder if other people feel the same. How do I deal with this as she grows up without it becoming an issue? She's not the only one who's not very confident underneath the 'front' we put on.

Think about something you are good at and/or enjoy that isn't just about looks. Encourage your dd to feel the same.

As a disabled mom, I am always thrilled and amazed I helped created such a gorgeous young woman. She moves with such grace. She has a sense of style far beyond my 15 year old self ( satin shorts and tube socks, anyone?) I enjoy looking at her and tell her often how lovely she is. She does not believe a word I say. I wish she could see herself as the world sees her..

I'm still having my time!

I'm 45 and look it, though hopefully reasonably put together. I always looked up to my mum as a young girl and teen and she had lots of friends, interests and a busy social life (as well as work). I never had any fear of aging as she seemed to be having the best time.

So now, I also have plenty of friends and love to make new ones. My two dds are just entering the teen years and are of course lovely but I don't envy them. I am very comfortable with who I am and that's what I want to convey to them - not that I feel in any kind of competition with them. It seems to be more a sign OP that your dd is making you aware of your own aging so I think you need to reflect more on that and make yourself happier rather than obsess about your dd. Don't take any joy away from her because of your own insecurities.

Your op made me cringe and rather sad. It's good that you openly admit to yourself that you are feeling insecure and jealous of your ds's youthful looks but it sounds awful and very very self-centred .

Did you use to be a 'looker' and find it hard that people don't look at you that way anymore? Honestly, find something to fill your life with.

My dd is small but in my biased opinion lovely looking. I cannot imagine being jealous of her . Maybe it's time to put your ego aside and do something meaningful with your life to give you more important things to worry about.

Of course youthful looks are lovely but we will all end up with wrinkles and various ailments. So there, that's life.

I agree with Mignonette and Alldirections - I've had my time looking young. It was great I may not look youthful any more, but I do not consider myself to be on the rubbish heap, and I have many older friends who look totally fabulous to aspire to.

Be happy for her.

Dd is 13 and a total stunner. I'm getting older and fatter but I'm genuinely happy for her. Its not like we're competing for blokes or anything.

It's my job to make her a confident young woman.

It is also my job to show her how to handle herself as a grown up and ageing. What you are now is very important. It's showing her who she will be, her options. That doesn't stop at 30. It doesn't stop full stop!

Me? I just try to remember that and (sounds cliched) be the best I can be. I want her pride too. I deserve it after all. We both do.

Of course she is, she is 16, has a gorgeous figure, taller than me,beautiful, clever, confident in her own skin. All I am is remarkably proud and so happy she is mine.

DD is almost nine and in that inbetweeny stage. Most of the time she is a mishmash of joggers, little-girl dresses and tops with cats on but yesterday she put on cable footless tights, a little jersey skirt, slouchy top and fluffy gilet with flat leather boots. I had earlier trimmed her fringe and hair Cleopatra-style. The outfit looked amazing on her and I could suddenly see the teenager she'll be in a few years. I was - she was all leggy, coltish gorgeousness. Like Natalie Portman in "Leon".

I couldn't stop looking at her don't want her to get a complex so just told her once how pretty she looked and then kept it to myself after that. But every time I looked at her I was thinking shit, she is growing up and she is going to be bloody stunning .

I think this is a symptom of the way our society idolises youth and scorns older women in a way that it doesn't older men. Its buying in to misogyny.

I don't want want to be a teenager again, it was shit. I might have looked better facially but my sense of style was non-existant and I was racked with self-doubt and self-conciousness and so were the majority of my friends. I like being older because I know my worth and don't care what others think. There is so much to be said for getting older.

I'm happier with my appearance as I get older. I like the experience lines and the grey streaks in the hair which mean it is getting lighter.

less pleased about the aches and pains but that's how it is.

jealousy is a playground emotion, and ageing is a lot better than the alternative. And to think 41 is old....(head in hands...)

I looked better but I wouldn't go back. The things I have now are very valuable, and I don't miss being ogled at and harrassed too much.

I'm only a year younger than you, and I certainly don't feel like a wrinkly, frumpy old bag! Not at all!

My DD is only 3, so she has a few more years to go before she starts to come into herself, but in all honesty, it hadn't even occurred to me that this might be an issue. I can't imagine it being, and judging by most of he replies to this thread, I don't think I'm being naive to think it won't.

My DD is gets more beautiful with every passing day. I can't imagine being more proud of her.

Maybe you need to work on your own stye - you don't have to feel wrinkly and frumpy in your 40s if you really don't want to. :)

She does not believe a word I say. I wish she could see herself as the world sees her... This is DD to a T - she is stunning (I mentioned in another thread that she's often mistaken for Emma Watson) and to me, naturally stylish, but she just doesn't see it. I hope that my obvious insecurity about my own looks isn't rubbing off and making her feel the same :( I do tell her how beautiful she is all the time but also how funny, kind etc so it's not all about appearance.

I have certainly never been a 'looker' (I'm OK but nothing special) but I'm successful in other ways - run my own business and love it (mostly), nice crowd of friends and a fairly good social life - so I hope I am a good role model in that way at least.

I HATE the way women ageing is seen to be a bad thing (and by contrast I also hate the very fake, plastic look that a lot of younger women adopt) but I can't help feeling like I do although I know it does sound self-absorbed. I was never a confident teenager or particularly stylish when I was younger - I now have a slightly better budget and an idea of how I'd like to look but unfortunately not the figure or face to pull it off!

"Did you use to be a 'looker' and find it hard that people don't look at you that way anymore?"

That was my thought - have you been used for most of your life to being the prettiest and most stylish of any group of people you're with, so you get some of your self-esteem from that? Have you always got your confidence from knowing, when you enter a room, that you'll be the most attractive person there?

Someone has to be so there'd be nothing wrong with that, but I can imagine it would make it harder to suddenly have a younger and more beautiful person around all the time. Youth wins, hands down.

Maybe you should try reframing your view of yourself in terms of how you look relative to your peers, specifically, rather than relative to other women in general?

My mum was very beautiful,still is,but back then she was truly stunning, in her younger days, ,she still wants to look young,but she accepts that she is getting old,and is not clutching to youth desperatly ,she is still too scared to use Botox though she has a few wrinkles she is 54 so older than you OP, I always tell her how beautiful and young she is,and it seems it makes her instantly happy,! Women still want to be beautiful and admired no matter how old they get, she was never jealous,she was very proud of me,and always praising me in front of people which I found very embarrassing as a teenager!

Funnily enough I was talking about this with a friend the other day - not about feeling jealous really, but about having to adjust your own style as your daughter becomes more blindingly gorgeous.
We decided the solution is to concentrate on things like skincare, grooming and exercise, both to bolster one's own confidence and to model preservative behaviours - cos no matter how naturally slim and radiant you are at 15 it'll all start to fade eventually

Thanks for the biscuits and wine Schnitzel (love your name!)

Just wanted to add there's no way I'm planning on turning into a competitive 'mate' type Mum and going out on the town with DD and her friends in years to come. I'd rather feel like I do than ever go down that road :).

Hands CambridgeBlue my first ever MN grip

After reading your recent comments Cambridge I think this sounds like it's time for a change of some kind. The self-reflection and the fact that you have achieved lots in your life makes me wonder if there's some unfinished business in your life if you haven't been able to entirely move on from the insecurities you felt when younger. One of the huge advantages of age to me is the greater confidence while being less at the mercy of hormones that my friend's and I felt we experienced when we were younger.

Have you got something to look forward to? Have you any hobbies or something that you would like to try that you've always out off through lack of confidence?

I was going to tease you and offer advice about huntsmen and forests and demanding hearts in boxes, but you sound too serious and honest for that.

Mignonette is offering the sort of advice I would have given: take a maternal pleasure in your daughter; separate that from the things you need to do/find for you; acknowledge the validity of your needs.

Although people may say that the negativity around ageing is gender neutral, I think we all know it isn't. Therefore I think we can say that there is an imperative upon us as individuals, but also as women, to try and find a way through the pain of ageing. It isn't a negligeible pain; it isn't just a vanity thing: a sense of our selves, our sexuality; our value in society is being lost. And it can all come with a diminishment of our physical power and a pressing sense of the finitude of human existence. Not only our inevitable death, but also the closure of all the myriad paths we might have taken, and existences we might have had.

It is very hard, and harder, I think, as a woman.

But I think Mignonette has it: embrace it as a worthwhile task to find models and paths for other female lives - ones that live marvellously in the later years. There are lots. I'm reading about Diana Vreeland at the moment: my total antithesis but a good underlining of the truth that age brings style and courage. Have a look at Louise Bourgeois' art. Look around at your friends, and the faces of women you see when you are out and about.

You are far, far to young to be sinking into despair! You will be a long time despairing, rather than living.

If you can't find a path/model that suits you: well, there is your imperative, your niche - you have to create it. And be aware that you are modelling it as something your daughter can use when she needs it.

A mother's role can be quite tough: you kind of have a maternal duty to not teach your daughter that this brief glitter of the hummingbird is the zenith of her life's joy. Because that is a very poisonous gift. And it isn't true.

So: live well, live with courageous joy: it's your duty as a mother.

Thank you for that insightful post backforgood

thecatfromjapan that is genuinely interesting and useful and all very true :)

lookingforfocus very good point. Lots of boring back story stuff - we are what we're made aren't we. I'm very aware of not messing up DD like I was unintentionally messed up hence me addressing this. I'm really not as self-indulgent as I'm coming across.

As an immediate thing: I have found it kind of therapeutic to start doing things I have always been too scared to do. If nothing else, I am so busy - in my head - fretting about how fucking terrified I am about my next challenge, it kind of displaces the horror of ageing.

But more seriously: I realised a while back that we (most of use, much of the time) conceptualise youth as possibility. Which is weird, really, because, if you really think about it, I am willing to bet that, when you look at your daughter, you are thinking a. about your missed opportunities/things you didn't capitalise on/things you were too young to realise and so did "wrong" b. you are deeply worried about your daughter making those same "mistakes". Sooo crazy.

And, again, think back to youth: so much of it is about not being able to do stuff. It is only about "possibility" in the sense that much of it is about hanging around, not able to do stuff because, quite often, you just don't have the emotional range or the confidence to do things (and the money).

So I think we are thinking about youth incorrectly. Yes, there are many limitations that age imposes - physical, real ones - but it can bring wisdom, and that can bring the lessening of the conceptual/pschological inhibitions that characterise us as youths.

Actually, I think that's part of our dreaminess about youth - we finally hit physical issues and suddenly realise how immaterial so many of those youthful worries really were.

But, hey, that's humans for you!

Anyway, that is one of the reasons I'm confronting my fears. Little ones, like travelling somewhere without a clear aim in mind. I realise that that has been a niggling fear, in the cupboard of my psyche for years. It's liberating, and teaches me that age can bring joy.

You can try this yourself if you think it might help.

cat xx

• What on earth does "wrong" or "mistake" mean in the context of human lives????

I am 53 and dd is 17. We are both six feet tall, size 12 and rather gorgeous

She has so much more confidence than I ever had as a teenager and I love her a lot more than my mother loved me. My mum was very jealous of me, even though I was a gawky young person.

People say I'm attractive but I still struggle to see it because of her comments.

Yy to all the posts about living with courageous joy, finding self-fulfilment and all that. I agree absolutely that a woman's sense of self-worth shouldn't be inextricably tied to her age or how she presents herself physically to the world. And yet...

I would agree with the sense of "regret" that the OP seems to be expressing (or that I'm reading into?!) Of course there is joy and pride when I look at my almost-teen daughters. They are lovely people, kind and generous; and I think they are gorgeous. They have a hard time accepting my compliments but I think they are beautiful.

I scrub up ok, never been a looker but did receive my fair share of male attention in my younger days. That all disappeared when I became pregnant and a mother. I feel that I have ceased to be even considered a sexually attractive person, by the world at large.

In the main, that's ok. DH still finds me attractive, so it's all good.

But as a mother of girls, I think this is just part and parcel of becoming older whilst at the same time watching our daughters bloom. Not a bad thing at all, but I can understand that for some women this is a time that can bring about mixed feelings.