How do you handle your daughter being prettier and more stylish than you?!

[CambridgeBlue]

I'm semi-lighthearted but I have to admit to a genuine pang yesterday when I went out with DD (nearly 12). She is growing up into such a beautiful girl and really developing her own sense of style. I am so pleased she is feeling more comfortable about herself as she's not the most confident girl but beside her I am ashamed to say I felt like a wrinkly, frumpy old bag (I'm 41).

I love clothes, beauty products and all of that (hence the amount of time I spend on here!) and think I'm reasonably stylish but it all feels a bit forced and try hard whereas with someone younger it seems much more effortless.

I know I sound really shallow but I wonder if other people feel the same. How do I deal with this as she grows up without it becoming an issue? She's not the only one who's not very confident underneath the 'front' we put on.

[NakedFlame]

I really do not think there is anything wrong with telling your children that they are good looking. In fact I go out of my way to compliment my sons on the way they look and over the years I have seen that they have grown in confidence. I think that I have a pretty healthy amount of self esteem myself and I put this solely down to my parents and siblings and the way we spoke to each other. At 44 I can see that the grey hairs and wrinkles are starting to creep up on me but I do not feel the need to get anything done since I am comfortable with it all.

My children's looks are very important to me. That is not because I am extremely shallow or vain myself. It is because I have seen first hand in other family members and friends the knock on effects of a lack of confidence. It is like a ball and chain. I won't hesitate to tell my sons how to look after their skin, wear braces (one already has them to correct an overhang) and look after themselves physically. In fact I wholeheartedly believe that a healthy dose of self esteem will result in a healthier attitude to looks in the teen and young adult years. This is not my no.1 concern in their lives of course and equal or more consideration is given to their education, health and emotional wellbeing.

[goodasitgets]

It's an interesting thread. I wouldn't have minded not being told I was pretty - but something nice - smart/talented/funny... Anything positive!!!
It's ridiculous that I'm now 30 and have just worn shorts in public for the first time, and that I buy clothes a size too big, and that I've got this total acceptance that I AM ugly, and fat and stupid.

This really says it for me
internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/post/57375170821

[TheLadyRadishes]

This thread is interesting and it is good to talk about beauty in-depth. I don't actually think it's wrong to take an interest in appearance or to compliment someone on their looks or style, and I think it is definitely not just a female thing.

Something has gone wrong somewhere when it comes to people, mainly women, obsessing over it and undergoing traumatic and unnecessary cosmetic surgery and hating parts of their body and so on. But all of this is on a sliding scale.

There is an extreme and worrying end of the scale, and there is normal, healthy self-care and titivation which applies to everyone and is what saves us all from being flea-ridden unwashed cavepersons. After all if someone comes into work having not washed or taken care with their clothes or grooming at all, you would start to worry - that they might be depressed, unwell or had some kind of problem. We do all use our appearance as a signal and notice each other's appearance.

If I say to DD you have such nice eyes or to DS I love that outfit you've put together, I mean it, and I am saying I appreciate you in x, y or z way, just as I might compliment a good homework effort, act of kindness or nice drawing. I think it's possible to do that without giving the message "you are more stunningly beautiful than other children and that is what you are all about". I am amazed at how my DC are much more good looking than me IMO, however I don't go on about that to them.

Also, stylishness is a natural attribute that is lovely to see in a person. It doesn't mean someone less stylish is less valuable, but for some people it's their thing. It's a design and aesthetic thing and we don't sniff at those in other areas of life. There's a girl in DS's class who just has it - she's not model-beautiful, she's stylish and I've complimented her a few times on a dress or hairdo. Why not? I can see that when I do, she knows where I'm coming from. Someone noticed the look she took care over. I think that is OK.

[Partridge]

And actually sunshine you are not one of the posts I am referring to. Honestly. You sound like you are celebrating all your ds achievements and embracing him with realism.

[Partridge]

Um...sunshine I am directly quoting from a few of the posts on this thread.

[hmc]

My nearly 12 year old is gorgeous and stylish whilst I am distinctly frumpy (let myself go a bit recently ) - tbh I am just delighted for her. I should probably tidy myself up a bit, if only because people are so shallow and accord you less respect when you look like a bag of spanners - but I don't really feel a pang that she's pleasing to the eye and I am no longer!

[Partridge]

I think maybe we need to revise our notion of beauty. Mud pies and innocence are beautiful. Not just looking like nigella Lawson, being more beautiful than a previous beauty contest winner, being intrinsically stylish, having coltish long legs etc etc.

That stuff is depressing and panders to the patriarchal side of our society that is obsessed with air brushing and Botox.

[boogiewoogie]

I think my dm had an issue with my developing my own style when I was growing up and in my teen years, I believe that she tried to control the way I dressed by choosing my clothes when clothes shopping and by actively discouraging me from experimenting with make up and insisting that I wait until I'm 18. As a result, my relationship with her was very strained and still can be today but for different reasons.

My dd is 6 and she is absolutely beautiful inside and out. I have not reached the stage where she's fashion aware and becoming style conscious. If she does become more stylish than me then it's not really something that I would be concerned about. However, dressing beyond her years might be. My dd is already much prettier than me and will probably be even more so as she gets older. I wouldn't begrudge any of it.

[Maisie0]

squoosh Your comment did make me laugh. To be honest. It was one of those comments that came to my mind because I read this thread. I just remember my mother always telling me to take care of my own health and to find happiness. (And it did take me a while to figure what that meant. I am closer to it now though.)

I just took a wrong path in my life, and I like to get back on track. On the note about kids and how to raise them, I was so scared of raising one that I didn't even consider it. But now there is an intrinsic desire to want a child. Could be hormones, or it could be my instinct telling me to "make a move" and correct my life a little bit.

[squoosh]

No, but you seemed to be having difficulty with the idea of talking to children about matters other than their looks.

[squoosh]

Express what you like about other people's kids beauty, but maybe try and talk to them about other things too, what they're reading, creepy crawlies, their favourite toys, how to make the best mud pie...........

If all you can think to chat about is looks you need to expand your repertoire.

[Driveway]

Thecatfromjapan, you always have very interesting points.
Have you thought about writing a book?


The open innocent young healthy promise of a better future in all children is beautiful.

[squoosh]

Bland indeed if all people talk about is appearance.

[JapaneseMargaret]

Has anyone ever experienced the situation of meeting someone - someone very ordinary looking, with no great distinguishing features in the good looks department....

And then you get to know them, and gradually, out of nowhere you're suddenly under the spell of this 'beautiful' person?!

I think that when it comes to your chidren, it's just this phenomena, multiplied by a thousand. :)

[thecatfromjapan]

Just to throw this thought into the mix: I was raised with a distinct idea that it was absolutely, morally wrong to think about appearance at all. It was a sin. Bodies were sinful, in fact. If someone looked at you in a desiring way, that was because you (a girl) were acting like a slut. It wasn't always spelled out: a lot of it was implicit.

I think you can see that in that context, aiming to instill a degree of bodily self-love, and loving acceptance of physical appearance, and the attendant issues of sexual desire, has a political imperative.

I'd point you towards "The Bluest Eye" and "Bailey's Cafe" for a discussion of a racial dimension to this; and the work of writers such as Ahdaf Souif and Manny Sharazi for a religious-political dimension.

Parenting is pretty much always political: it is about the reproduction of social and political belief and about attempting to "picj up the dropped stitches" (Collette's phrase) as we try to heal ourselves, our to exceed ourselves, or just do better.

In the main, most of us try. But ... it is bloody hard. And I think we place way too much blame on ourselves (as mothers). I think that one of our modern tasks as mothers should be about re-thinking how much we do, and the importance of our role, and also how much we are not responsible for (what we don't do). And we should think about that as mothers and as daughters.

[Partridge]

Good point mrsc. Maybe there is something quite sweet about people thinking their children are beautiful (although I can't help thinking that self-awareness is a beautiful thing - not much of that demonstrated on here sadly).

It is the sense of measuring beauty/ comparing small children to celebrities/ family members who have won beauty competitions that makes me so uncomfortable. I am probably not articulating myself v well.

I see many many children and very few are conventionally head-turningly beautiful (although lots of them are very engaging to look at and speak to). But judging by this thread mnetters have most of them.

[Partridge]

We also live in a society where far too much store is put on youth and beauty. I think most people would agree with this. This is not the case for gifted and talented aspects of character. So the analogy doesn't make much sense.