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Original poster

How do you handle your daughter being prettier and more stylish than you?!

182 replies

CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 09:11

I'm semi-lighthearted but I have to admit to a genuine pang yesterday when I went out with DD (nearly 12). She is growing up into such a beautiful girl and really developing her own sense of style. I am so pleased she is feeling more comfortable about herself as she's not the most confident girl but beside her I am ashamed to say I felt like a wrinkly, frumpy old bag (I'm 41).

I love clothes, beauty products and all of that (hence the amount of time I spend on here!) and think I'm reasonably stylish but it all feels a bit forced and try hard whereas with someone younger it seems much more effortless.

I know I sound really shallow but I wonder if other people feel the same. How do I deal with this as she grows up without it becoming an issue? She's not the only one who's not very confident underneath the 'front' we put on.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 14/04/2014 11:39

I've found that I've got less bothered about clothes and looks as I've got older. Not that I think I'm frumpy or that I've given up. I just think I'm quite comfy in my own skin. I can go out with no makeup on, etc quite happily at the weekend.

As dd has got older I'm enjoying more time to do stuff I like doing. I've got into cycling and am always champing at the bit to get out and ride. Read more books, watch more films, see more friends.

Hulababy · 14/04/2014 11:40

DD has just turned 12y and is turning into a lovely, more grown up looking girl. We, her family, think she is beautiful but we love her and are proud of her far more for who she is - she is a lovely girl inside and out. She is also far more confident in herself than I have ever been - and it is a pleasure to see.

As for me? Well, I am proud of the daughter I have helped to create. I'm her mum and I am not remotely envious tbh.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 11:50

EarlGreyCuppa that's exactly how I feel, thanks for understanding :)

OP posts:
EarlGreyCuppa · 14/04/2014 12:01

CambridgeBlue we'll just eat our Cake, drink our Brew or Wine and gracefully accept that the universe is doing its thing and we're fortunate to have such lovely children. With a twinge for things past. Smile

Nocomet · 14/04/2014 12:03

DD1 is also doing her GCSEs and planning to go to uni.

And that more than what she looks like is bitter sweet. Firstly I'll miss her and secondly I did all that, but never had a career.

I love my DH and DDs to bits, but I wish I hadn't ended up as a SAHM for 17 years.

Not planned, no family for child care, very few full CMs, primary school got wrap round care the year after DD2 left.

Maisie0 · 14/04/2014 12:11

Why don't you turn this around and make it a "what do you want mummy to wear" kind of situation? It may be quite enlightening to see how your daughter see you through her eyes. Obviously what she wears need to be appropiate for her age, and then what you wear is more appropiate for your age too. I find that some pieces are locked to age, but then others are quite open and flexible to be combined with other things.

www.marksandspencer.com/s/britains-leading-ladies

I like Khoo's style and Agrawal's style as well. Wear what makes you feel good in your day to day life. I think it starts to make sense then. I've always dressed corporate and "smart casual" so I can reuse all my clothes both for work and off work. But these days, I wanna feel pretty, and more feminine. I am tired of looking like a corporate drone. So I have started to wear more dresses, and I want also to feel comfortable as I walk to work every day, and not feel restricted or feel like I cannot breathe in my clothes.

The question is, what do you feel like wearing ? Smile
I think when you figured this out, you won't feel this jealousy, cos I doubt that you want to dress the same age as her. Maybe you like her carefree attitude towards dressing. I'd say go and experiment !

slackcabbage · 14/04/2014 12:36

I agree with Mabelsideswipe.

Not aiming my comments at you in particular op, but think it is sad and a symptom of our rather mysogynistic society (older women somehow having "less worth" than older men) that this issue even arises tbh.

I think we need to teach our children that wonderful American phrase - "Beauty fades, dumb lasts forever" Grin and (old fashioned though it sounds) focus on character, not looks.

I'm heading towards 50 yrs and dd is 10yrs. She is absolutely beautiful. I was thin and reasonably good looking when younger (never a striking beauty though) and yes I sigh when I look in the mirror nowadays but I get so much pleasure from looking at dd that it just doesn't matter!

Imo you don't really appreciate youth and beauty when you have it, and there's little to be gained from mourning it when it's gone. There are simply many more important things to worry about. But I am lucky to have the inspiration of two older sisters who both lead hugely interesting and significant lives in their own spheres so they give me courage really.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 12:42

EarlGrey Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 12:43

Funnily enough Maisie we went shopping yesterday and were playing a game where we each picked out some things for the other to try on - it was great fun seeing what she thought I would look good in - if I can't beat her excellent taste maybe I have to join her :)

OP posts:
Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 12:43

Beauty fades, dumb lasts forever - I love that :)

OP posts:
ridinghighinapril · 14/04/2014 12:47

I haven't read all the posts, so apologies for any repetition...

My feeling on this is that each generation aspires to better than the previous and should learn from their [the previous generation's] experiences & mistakes. Similarly, parents should want better for their children even if their own [the parents'] lives are pretty good. I would be thrilled if my children grew to be more intelligent, successful, wealthier (not that equates to happiness) & more content with their lives than us. Above all I would want them to be happy with their life choices and the people they are. I would be proud of them and not resent their achievements (or looks) for a moment.

Anyway, my 3y old daughter is already far better looking and also dresses much better than, although I take credit for the latter!

Maisie0 · 14/04/2014 12:56

I think you will find that she can also take inspiration from you too. If anything, it may even bring her out to be even more confident to be able to bond with you like that.

I just remember my mom tried her best to dress me in feminine clothes when I was very little but because of the attention that I got, I kind of shied away from wearing pretty clothes, and went emo in my teenage years. Now I have gone in full circle and want to be more feminine again. (I work in IT. It is horrible.) Now I am making up for lost time.

I just remember those awful Tammy Girl clothes that is based on celebrities. I just loathe it so much. Now I can be "normal". I do remember that my mother is the same shape as me. An Apple. I always liked her M&S cardi. I wish I knew I could've used her as an inspiration considering I am her offspring, you would think I would've clicked earlier on to what shape suits me too. Haha. Doh moment. I actually have a similar shape cardi but in black. That has been with me for so many years.

The funny is, maybe you can also inspire her too. Cos the chances of your shape to be the same will be high. At least she will come to know not to overdress and above her age if that makes sense.

ParkingFred · 14/04/2014 13:06

My friend, once a great beauty, now the 40 year old mother of 2 stunning teen girls said, 'once you have a daughter, you stop being the picture and start being the frame'.

Wise if depressing words!

myitchybeaver · 14/04/2014 13:33

My mother had two daughters and I now have two daughters and I am determined that this will not be an issue in our relationship.

My mother has always given looks the number one priority. She has been (and still is) insanely jealous of both me and my sister, especially me as we are closer in age (17 years). She even went through a stage of making passes at my boyfriends and even flashed her fanjo at one boyfriend.

Even now, I am 41 and she is 58, if I buy something new or see something I like she buys it too, in every colour. She puts me down in company and pouts and flutters her eyelashes like a teenager.

I just can't get it. Why would you not be pleased that the people you love most in the world look good? Why don't you feel proud?

My DD1 turns heads and my stomach flips with pride. I've never been that concerned about looks though, so maybe it's that? I am fairly plain I think but scrub up well and can look pretty fantastic, but most the time can't be arsed.

Mutley77 · 14/04/2014 13:44

I'm so proud and happy to have such a beautiful daughter. Dd1 is 9yo and has a gorgeous look about her, is extremely photogenic and has the sort of figure that looks fab in anything. I know she's still young but Def seems to be one of those effortlessly attractive girls...

I am not envious just think she is very lucky (probably makes me shallow,!)

Mutley77 · 14/04/2014 13:47

Also I am already taking fashion & style tips from dd.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 14/04/2014 13:49

op could it be the pang you felt was the realisation of your lost youth?

When dd1 blossomed, I felt a tiny pinch of sadness for me as I'm growing in to an old bag.

I'm beyond proud of my dd, she works FT and models on the side. I'm amazed I made such a beautiful creature.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 14:08

Cigarettes yes, I feel all of those things - such a lot of mixed emotions!

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 14/04/2014 14:23

I think whatever our age, we have to live in the moment now. It is okay to reminisc but remind yourself to let go of it too. I am also 36. Without children, and I realised that most of my friends have children around 10 years old already. I fear I can't have children, but I still want children. I am now just revitalising my wardrobe to make myself more human again. I think no matter what age, someone, or somewhere you will see something which makes you bring up all sorts of emotions and memories, that is okay. I guess you got to ask yourself what it all means, and what actions can you do today to make it better. To make it if you are "living" today. For me, throwing away old clothes that I had in my 20s, and regaining my sense of being as a 30-something is a big start. Acting like my age is another start. Refusing to stay out later than 11. Refusing to do anything too hectic but sleeping more to nourish my body is another. I'm currently detoxing my liver too, and eat better. Do it for yourself, but also do it for your daughter too cos she has a good healthy role model then to remind her of her own journey by. (I just realised that you are only 4 years older than I am and you have achieved so much already...)

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 14/04/2014 17:39

If I'm the frame I'm full on gold ornate with leaves curly bits and frivolity.

No fucking way I'll be boring old plain wood thank you very much!

My dds will look at me and say I hope I'll be like that one day! Anything else is a waste of both of us.

BecauseIsaidS0 · 14/04/2014 18:54

I have friends who suffered because their mothers got insanely jealous of their youthful looks, and it showed. They (moms) would constantly put them down, insult them and even call their outfits "whorish", when they were just wearing what we all teenagers wore at the time, and frankly it wasn't anything outrageous. It all left scars.

OTOH, I am Mediterranean and women there take pride in their looks at all ages, so I fully intend to be one of those gorgeous older women in pencil skirt, red lipstick and a full head of silvery white hair Grin

nikki1978 · 14/04/2014 19:44

Maisie0 - not staying out past 11? Really? Hmm

You are only 36!

Paloma12 · 14/04/2014 19:59

36 is very young! I am 36, and I feel young. I have two DDs, I really hope they are more beautiful than I was as a teen. My biggest hope is that they escape the acne that I had! But as for being frumpy and old - why do people seem to think that's an inevitability at such YOUNG ages?? 36, 42 - young!

Pollywallywinkles · 14/04/2014 20:15

Of dear, oh dear, oh dear. Why on earth as a grown woman are you comparing yourself to a child, albeit your own child? If you have to compare ourself to anyone, choose your peers.

Rejoice your maturity and her development into a young woman and the part you have played in her getting to where she is.

Mignonette · 14/04/2014 20:50

TheCatFromJapan

expresses very elegantly and eloquently what I feel.

Life has always been full of possibilities and the missed ones of youth were often missed for a very good reason. We weren't ready.

Going out there and discovering new possibilities whether they be an attitude, an event, an experience or new learning is what life is and should be about.

Today I saw a group of four women taking coffee in a local coffee shop. They were sharing plates of tarts and cakes, were laughing, talking and having such a wonderful time. I estimated the youngest to have been at least mid sixties. The air fair crackled and fizzed around them. They were still the 'cool girls' and I very much wanted to be a part of their gang.

A great thing to see. it made me think of this thread and made me feel very happy.