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Original poster

How do you handle your daughter being prettier and more stylish than you?!

182 replies

CambridgeBlue · 14/04/2014 09:11

I'm semi-lighthearted but I have to admit to a genuine pang yesterday when I went out with DD (nearly 12). She is growing up into such a beautiful girl and really developing her own sense of style. I am so pleased she is feeling more comfortable about herself as she's not the most confident girl but beside her I am ashamed to say I felt like a wrinkly, frumpy old bag (I'm 41).

I love clothes, beauty products and all of that (hence the amount of time I spend on here!) and think I'm reasonably stylish but it all feels a bit forced and try hard whereas with someone younger it seems much more effortless.

I know I sound really shallow but I wonder if other people feel the same. How do I deal with this as she grows up without it becoming an issue? She's not the only one who's not very confident underneath the 'front' we put on.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 15/04/2014 17:58

I do try not to comment on the looks of children but how rather they behave/act.

sunshinemmum · 15/04/2014 17:58

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Partridge · 15/04/2014 18:06

I'll be doing that rather than ill-thought-out white noise in future mrsc. Good plan. I wouldn't want everyone labouring under the misapprehension that their kid is gorgeous because I couldn't be bothered to think of something more meaningful to say Wink.

sunshinemmum · 15/04/2014 18:08

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Partridge · 15/04/2014 18:17

I would only tell my own kids that they are quirky. I get told that my ds has the merriest eyes ever. He does. It is a lovely remark about him. He is as upbeat and positive a force of nature as his eyes suggest. I'm talking about that kind of thing.

sunshinemmum · 15/04/2014 18:21

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defineme · 15/04/2014 18:25

I used to try to compliment dd on her initiative and so on, but when she was 7 and I'd casually said something about her looking lovely in a new outfit she said 'oh no mummy I'm not pretty I'm smart'. I decided that I could afford to give her a few compliments about the way she looked without undervaluing more meaningful qualities.

My db was breathtaking in his teens- like a model-I can remember teachers fluttering their eyelashes at him, he had 6th form girlfriends when he was several years below. I think it was actually very hard at times for him and a lot of pressure. Now he is past 40, bald and about 6 stone heavier it's not an issue, but I do wonder how he feels about that too. I worry for my ds2 as he is the image of him.

My other 2 children are realistically average looking, to me they're super gorgeous, but I'd be happy if they just didn't suffer the crippling lack of self esteem I had as a teen. I was the tallest in my year and the heaviest. It took until I was about 21 to grow into my looks and believe I was attractive.

I don't feel envious of ds1 )age 12), but I do look around when I'm at gigs (one of my favourite things to do) and worry I'm going to look stupid going to them soon.

TheLadyRadishes · 15/04/2014 19:20

Ok partridge maybe we're all deluded, but it's not that bad to think your child is beautiful. I think mine are subjectively of course, and objectively I am pretty sure they are more beautiful than me and dp. But I don't go on about it like nothing else matters! I call them gorgeous, clever, kind whatever as relevant. I don't think they're perfect or infallible and I'm not raising them to be incapable of being criticised.

However I'm another of those who had nothing but snide undermining remarks about my looks from my parents when I was growing up. I don't want to repeat that.

Maisie0 · 15/04/2014 19:26

Are we talking about unconditional love now? Smile

I do not have my own kids yet, but I remember feeling very proud and this surge of deep emotional connection to all my siblings. When we were young, and in our early 20s, and 30s. We were all healthy, still okay looking, doing well in life. I think this is classed as true "happiness" isn't it ? It is a bond that you cannot really break away. When I look at photos of my mother and father in their 20s. They were so handsome together. :) I now see my nephew, and I can see the splitting image of the round head, cute face, and big smile. I did say out loud to my BIL and my sister that he does have a certain gene from my sister's side. But then when I looked at my BIL's side, I can see his dad had also the same round head round face. Soft face kind look. I truly smile from my heart when I see that. It definitely makes one feel grounded, and the feeling that I belonged to a family. I am so sure that everyone see a bit of that at times in their family. It really isn't an ego thing at all. When I see my BIL's parents smile so widely, I just know what they are thinking. Haha.

BreakingDad77 · 15/04/2014 19:29

I am curious with the "Whose is the prettier and stylish" is this to impress other women or men?

What happened to wanting kids to just be confident and happy?

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 15/04/2014 19:30

goodasitgets a bit of all three I think.

I completely agree that we place too much emphasis on looks and I am as bad as anyone. I wish I felt more comfortable and accepting of myself because I am much less harsh with others - I find it easy to pick out good qualities in my friends' appearances but just see a tired, ageing woman, slightly overweight and trying to look trendy when I look at myself. I know I have lots of good qualities not related to my appearance but for some reason how I look and appear to the outside world matters more than perhaps it should.

Can I just say though that I am not jealous of my DD or anything so horrible, nor am I bitter (I don't think). I was briefly slightly envious, nothing more, and I only posted in the hope of sensibly discussing how I felt which we have done - think this is the longest thread I have ever started :).

OP posts:
Blackmouse · 15/04/2014 19:32

i just stare in awe of her really and shes only six, but very beautiful and just naturally stylish somehow

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/04/2014 19:43

Cambridge - most of us are pretty critical of ourselves - that's normal I think.

I just think focusing too much on looks is not a good thing for children. And there does seem to be more and more today of the 'omg, my children are just so gorgeous and amazing' type comments than there used to be. But I know its a hard line to tread in terms of ensuring that children grow up confident in their looks but not thinking that how they looks is the most important thing about them. Hence, commenting on how they act rather how they look.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/04/2014 19:45

God, that was dreadful english - but you know what I mean Smile

KellyHopter · 15/04/2014 19:54

My mum had a weird version of this, possibly some others on the thread are similar?

She often talked about my "beauty". All this did really was create a sense in me that if I didn't look a certain way I wouldn't be who I was. To the extent that now at the age of 35 I can't have her (or anyone actually) stay in my home as I can't bear the thought of being seen in a less than perfect state. The very idea of sitting across the breakfast table from her with bed hair and puffy morning face and mascara free pig-eyes is horrible.

No matter how much my rational side tells me she's my mum and loves me anyway, I can't beat the other part that tells me I'd be a disappointment. I imagine my messy unprettified state would cause her to feel awkward and embarrassed. Like she'd caught me doing something wrong.

I also felt competitiveness from her, but on my behalf, which I never asked for. A post before mentioned a dd surpassing her aunts beauty-queen beauty...that really could have been written by my mum, or some variation of it.

Gosh, I feel quite sad, never really faced that that's how things are.

Truth is I was little more than average looks wise. Pointless.

Partridge · 15/04/2014 20:04

Kelly that is so sad. I hope it is a salutary lesson to some people on this thread. Tbh it smacks of ego to me too. Like it is unseemly to boast about your own looks, but ok to go on about how dazzling your dc is. And because of course you created them, ergo you are responsible for this beautiful creature.

JapaneseMargaret · 15/04/2014 20:07

This thread further confirms a truth I'm beginning to realise: that as a parent, you can't do right for doing wrong.

Tell child X they're beautiful, and they'll blossom and thrive and go through life blessed with that most elusive thing - a solid, healthy self-esteem.

Tell child Y they're beautiful and it will give them issues for life, that impact on their most meaningful relationships.

It's tough as a parent. I hope my children one day understand that I always tried my best, love them more than anything, and only wish for their happiness. I know that about my own parents.

JapaneseMargaret · 15/04/2014 20:10

Partridge, there are plenty of people on this thread who've said they were endlessly bolstered by 'lovely, kind' parents who told them they were beautiful.

As my previous post points out, you have no way of knowing which way it's going to impact.

Partridge · 15/04/2014 20:10

Well obviously there is a middle ground. I think that has been pointed out.

JapaneseMargaret · 15/04/2014 20:17

But as far as we know, most these stories are about the middle ground.

I'm sure the majority of people don't bang on relentlessly about beauty to the exclusivity of all else. It's part of their repertoire of compliments they pay their children.

lottieandmia · 15/04/2014 20:22

I am the vainest person ever. I also have 3 daughters, two of whom are 12 and 10 and I just cannot imagine ever feeling wrinkly next to them or feeling that how they look compared to me is an issue. I only feel proud personally, after all - I made them.

squoosh · 15/04/2014 20:23

'For me, throwing away old clothes that I had in my 20s, and regaining my sense of being as a 30-something is a big start. Acting like my age is another start. Refusing to stay out later than 11. Refusing to do anything too hectic but sleeping more to nourish my body is another.'

Bloody hell, you're only 36! From the way you speak it sounds as though you're half way to booking a room in Shady Pines Retirement Home.

KellyHopter · 15/04/2014 20:26

I think it's about balance, Margaret. And honesty. I look at my son and he literally takes my breath away, but that's because he's mine.

He is beautiful but youth is beautiful especially when you don't have it yourself. I think seeing perfection (perfect skin, leanness, soft hair, whatever - that perfection that all children have some variation of) close up every day, combined with the fact that you're seeing flashes of your own face and body, and your partners, but in a perfect youthful skin, means that the beauty you're seeing is in your own eyes only.

I think that is important to remember. Before getting all caught up in something that's only going to change. Who they are is much more than what they look like at any given time.

I'm with you on the cant do right for doing wrong thing though. I'm realising that all the time. I spend so long trying to avoid my mums 'mistakes' and succeeding - but no doubt ill be fucking him up in ways I won't even recognise until he's old enough to tell me! And he probably won't recognise the things I worked hard to avoid - as they never happened to him they'll seem unimportant to him.

Parenting is a losers game Grin

sunshinemmum · 15/04/2014 20:27

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Partridge · 15/04/2014 20:29

Japenese I can't be bothered to go through this whole thread, but the number of posts proclaiming the devastating beauty if their children as a statement of fact seems arrogant and verging on the narcissistic. It makes me v uncomfortable. V different from saying that you are proud of your kids because they are pretty amongst other things. There has been an astonishing amount of hyperbole thrown around about children's appearances on this thread.