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Step-parenting

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Original poster

sted dad advice needed regarding step son

216 replies

toy23 · 14/08/2008 18:24

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

OP posts:
AvenaLife · 14/08/2008 18:31

Hi.

He's still a little boy and he's had a big change in his life and it sounds as though he's struggling to cope with it. A boy in a single parent family will more often then not take over the male parent role in the house and will become very protective over his mother. It has probably come as such a shock for him to have a male in the house and new brothers/sisters so he doesn't know where he fits in anymore. Does he do any sports outside the home? These can often help to release any agression. I think you should go and see the GP again and request some support via family therapy. He sounds like a very frightened, sad little boy.

As a rule, children are alot more perceptive then we give them credit for. It's possible that he's picking up on your attitude and dislike towards him and he's trying to cope the only way he knows how. On a one to one situation, how is he?

fizzbuzz · 14/08/2008 18:46

I think this is more than just adjustment. Even if it is, violence is not good.

Go back to your doctor and ask for help. We mergd as a family with 3 boys, and whilst ther wer problems none of them were violent

Tortington · 14/08/2008 18:50

i think you as the adult need to try - we all dont like our own kids occasionally but i think youhave let your feelings run away with you a little.

i suggest that you sit down and talk to him - just you and him - you need to say that he has been getting on your nrves with his behaviour but tell him that your not going to magically go away.

tell him that you know his brothers and sisters can be pains in the arse sometimes - you recognise this - leave that one just at that.

then say that you want to try to get on with him better and you suggest that you do something - just you and him - karate, swimming, footy matchon a saturday - you need to make a real effort here sir, becuase if you dont, in 4 years time - this shit will look like chicken feed - trust me.

Original poster
toy23 · 14/08/2008 19:54

Custardo i have tryed talking to him on many ocashions with no change. We share the same intrest in pc and tryed spending time with them that way but still no change if anything when spend time got worse (I spend no time with them anymore as have given up on that aproch).

I have spoken to my wife she fully understands me and feels the same way but is also torn due to motherly instinks.

Custardo you say my feelings have run away yet i belive they havent i do honestly hate him, and i dont feel that will change now.Custardo you said as an adult i should try yet I tryed for first two years of me and wifes relationship its got to the point ware i have given up trying the same old crap of talking/spending time with them as it just dont work. For the past year we have just not spoken and kept out of each others way.

OP posts:
Tortington · 14/08/2008 20:13

we;; spending timewith him isn't working, not spending time with him isn't working

he isn't going anywhere - and if your wife is a good mum - you know that he willalways come first - even in adulthood - he will still be around.

somehow you have to make an effort - this isn't going away

Original poster
toy23 · 14/08/2008 20:15

this going to sound hard Custardo but on his 18th birthday he is out the house and not welcome back in my eyes i want nothing to do with him then.So in adulthood he wont be around.

OP posts:
Original poster
toy23 · 14/08/2008 20:17

im just trying to figer out a way to get past the next 7 and half years.

OP posts:
divastrop · 14/08/2008 20:17

i am toy23's wife

it seems theres no answers and i am starting to feel i will have to choose between my husband and my son

the thing is,i have struggled for years with ds1 myself,long before i met dh.his father was violent towards me and i suffered severe PND after having him.he has always whinged about everything for as long as i can remember,and never seemed to grasp the concept that other peoples feelings mattered.i knew it was cos i was a crap mum and i got help from the gp for myself,as well as going to parenting classes etc.

as he's got older ive found my bond with him getting weaker.i love him but i dont like him,and i feel so guilty about it.

he was assesed for ASD when he was 8/9 but they found nothing wrong in that way,although the child psychologist said he does have emotional issues and reffered us for play therapy,which i should hear about sometime next month.

i feel dh has given up on him,and i can see his point of view but i dont want to give up on him because he is my son and its my fault hes the way he is,im the one whos failed him,so i feel i should be the one to put things right.but i dont know how,and i dont want my lo's to lose their dad who loves them and they love him,because of ds1.

i am torn as dh said and i dont know what to do.its breaking my heart.

perfectfeast · 14/08/2008 20:30

It seems a bit premature to be talking about what you are going to do when he is 18 when he is only 10. Does he know that the likelyhood is that he will be told to leave when he is 18?

I have never been in this situation so of course I have no idea what it must be like for you both but it sounds like you often reach breaking point with him if you are that close to hitting him.

Perhaps he was very scared and upset when his mum was in hospital, perhaps he is still effected by the break-up of his parents? Does he still have contact with his dad?

you say you honestly hate him, I can't see how that hatred is not obvious to him and I think that it's very sad when an adult uses words like that about a 10 year old child.

What will you do if your wife disagrees with your plan to chuck him out at 18? Does she even agree? How much time do you spend discussing this and is the child aware that you are having these conversations?

Divastrop: from what you say you have had ambivilent feelings towards your son since he was born. Have YOU thought about having therapy or parenting classes to find out how you can change your feelings towards your child?

Tortington · 14/08/2008 20:31

i have no other advice i'm afraid.

i might be upset, but i wouldnt be "torn"

Kids ome first - thats that .

divastrop · 14/08/2008 20:35

ive had councelling and parenting classes,ive spoken to one councellor in great detail about this.i did bond with him when he was born but things became difficult as he got older.

divastrop · 14/08/2008 20:36

custardo-i know kids come first but what about the other kids?

TheProvincialLady · 14/08/2008 20:37

I agree with custy. I wouldn't be torn either. I could not live with a man who openly hated my son.

If you are 10/11 years old and obliged to share your house, mother and siblings with a man who hates you, I think your behaviour is going to be pretty poor. He may well have lots of problems that make him very difficult to live with, but top of the list is his living arrangement IMO.

Original poster
toy23 · 14/08/2008 20:37

1 he knows i hate him i dont belive in hiding feelings from any1 child or adult. If my wife disagrees with he being out at 18 i leave its that simple. And as my wife has exsplaind she has done therapy and parenting classes. But none of that is any use if the person is arogant selfish and only cares about themselfs witch is what i belive he is child or not i know i am most likly going to get flamed for this but but unless you have met them you would not understand.You cant blame my wife for her feelings towards him.

OP posts:
divastrop · 14/08/2008 20:38

he was like this long before i met dh

perfectfeast · 14/08/2008 20:43

I feel sorry for your step-son and I feel sorry for your wife. Sorry but I have to be frank. It must be a horrible situation for both of them.

no more advice as I don't believe you will take it.

If you are going to live like this for the next 7 and a half years and the make your wife choose between her son and you then I find that shocking.

Tortington · 14/08/2008 20:44

well if toy is a good dad he would still be invovled int he lives of the other kids - they dont lose their dad.

tbh i dont think that your dh leaving is the solution, but somehow chick, you are believing more in your dh than your son. that is wrong.

i am sure you would have a lovely family with a lovely family life and al would be grat - if it wasn't for the total bastard of a son getting in the way all the time

so fromt he few posts i have heard, you dont talk to him, his mum doesn't like him - but i presume the 'other perfect' family unit still exists around him making him feel outcast

get a grip you pair of shits - he's 11 - and i don't say that lightly diva - i know your a regular.

AvenaLife · 14/08/2008 20:44

Toy: It sounds to me as if you've already written him off. Do you think this child finds it easy living in a house when his step father has this sort of feelings towards him? He can tell, I promise you this. It sounds like both him and his mum have had a very tough start and this is bound to have some sort of lasting emotional damage. Read what you have written as if it was written by someone else and have a think about what you have said about this child.

diva: None of this is your fault. You have had a tough time, you are not responsible for this and you truly shouldn't be blaming yourself. It would be a good idea if your family sought therapy to help you all overcome what has happened to you. You have been brave to get through this. It's clear that you are trying to support your child and this is admiral.

AvenaLife · 14/08/2008 20:45

Toy: It sounds to me as if you've already written him off. Do you think this child finds it easy living in a house when his step father has this sort of feelings towards him? He can tell, I promise you this. It sounds like both him and his mum have had a very tough start and this is bound to have some sort of lasting emotional damage. Read what you have written as if it was written by someone else and have a think about what you have said about this child.

diva: None of this is your fault. You have had a tough time, you are not responsible for this and you truly shouldn't be blaming yourself. It would be a good idea if your family sought therapy to help you all overcome what has happened to you. You have been brave to get through this. It's clear that you are trying to support your child and this is admiral.

edam · 14/08/2008 20:47

and being told his step-dad hates him is helping in what way, exactly?

I'm sorry, this is clearly a hideous situation, but insisting about being 'honest' about hating a little boy is neither kind nor sensible.

Hardly surprising he was upset when his mother was in hospital with the baby - he's a little boy, he's not great at putting other people first, that's something we all have to learn. And frankly he's not the only one who has to learn that here, is he, toy?

OK, you've reached out for help and haven't found a magic solution. So you need to look somewhere else - or consider whether you have truly, honestly given the advice you have had your best efforts.

Suggest you contact the NSPCC or Childline for support - or google Tanya Bryon, she does a problem page in The Times, I think.

divastrop · 14/08/2008 20:49

custy-i know what you are saying.i havent written him off,i have a difficult relationship with him but i want to change it.i dont believe a 10 year old's behaviour is set in stone and that theres nothing i can do.i want things to be ok.

Original poster
toy23 · 14/08/2008 20:51

AvenaLife you may be right maybe i have writen him of but i belive he rearly needs to change i have tryed and tryed with him and nothing has worked. But to change i belive a person needs to care about others and not just themselfs and i belive he only cares about himself.

OP posts:
divastrop · 14/08/2008 20:56

custy-'tbh i dont think that your dh leaving is the solution, but somehow chick, you are believing more in your dh than your son. that is wrong.'

what did you mean here?sorry,i dont understand,i thought you were saying that kids come first so that means the only solution is splitting up.

TheProvincialLady · 14/08/2008 20:56

Yes family therapy would be a good start.

TBH divastrop I agree with you about a 10 year old's behaviour not being set in stone - but I am not so sure about your adult husband. Think how your son will look back when he is an adult - will he think you did the best for him, or will he have other ideas? My aunt married a man like your husband who hated one of her girls, and they both had a very warped view of her and her behaviour, and let's just say that the ending was not a happy one for anybody concerned. Don't let that be you and your son, please

themildmanneredjanitor · 14/08/2008 20:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.