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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

sted dad advice needed regarding step son

216 replies

toy23 · 14/08/2008 18:24

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

OP posts:
perfectfeast · 17/08/2008 13:13

...and - even if Mixbag is Toy's father I am equally concerned that he is defending Toy and has clearly not seen that the advice given here has in the main been good reasonable advice.

AbbeyA · 17/08/2008 13:13

The thing that I like about mumsnet is that you can give truthful, candid advice-in RL there are all sorts of other issues to take into account. If you can't take people disagreeing with you then you shouldn't ask in the first place. It is very rare to have every single person in agreement.

CvQ · 17/08/2008 13:18

ive stayed out of this thread because it just too shocking imo.BUT this line from a recent post from mixbag has stood out to me.

'Yes he has gone about things the wrong way but you people have done very little to help, yes thare are few good posts but most are just giving toy abuse.'

erm excuse me but how the fucking hell can you say that when that is exactly what HE is doing to this poor poor childand

mixbag · 17/08/2008 13:29

Im not defending my son regarding his behaviour, he has been out of line. I dont think some people on this site tryed to look from every perspective thats all.Anyway I came to my sons house to see my grankids and see how everyone was not get involved in forum debates goodby.

perfectfeast · 17/08/2008 13:31

Is Divastrop there Mixbag. Is she ok?

LittleBella · 17/08/2008 13:51

Where is the abuse?

No one has been abusive to Toy afair. On the contrary,people have been remarkably restrained and constructive, considering the subject matter

DillyTanty · 17/08/2008 13:53

mixbag, apparently your son has inherited your spelling and grammatical style lock, stock and barrel, so i assume you are an enormous influence on his life. can you answer the question, do you think, as to how you became close despite the damage that had been caused him (by his mother)?

he wrote this... "
I had a bad childhood my parents split up from abusive relationship when i was at the age of 5-6. My farther was the one getting hit my mother on many ocashions to protect me.When my mother and farther split up the idiotic courts belived that i should be with my mother I was hospitilised on many ocashions by her and my step farther who she started dating less than a week after her and my farther split.At the age of 9-10 when i started going around mugging people with a penknife. I finaly got picked up buy the police and before my mother and step farther got to the station.I broke down in tears and asked them for help it wasent untill i showed them the brusies that they realised what had been going on.Thare ware lot of other things that went on when i lived with my mother and step farther that i would rather not go into.

But anyways my farther came and picked me up i was a very screwed up kid and i turned violent towards my little brother he had no choice but to place me in fostercare to protect my little brother at the age of 11.

From the ages of 11-16 i spent many times with doctors i even spent time in juvenile prison due to constant violance and crimes i dident even goto school from he ages of 12-16 i dident care about it i would rather sit around mates house taking drugs makeing cash via commiting crimes."

he was a screwed-up kid who had turned violent (no doubt patterning on his mother's abusive behaviour). so you had no choice but to put him into foster care (i might take issue with this but times were different etc so i'm not judging) and he went even further off the rails.

problem is, toy is operating on the basis that you did everything right. did you? are you doing now, by lashing out at people on MN rather than helping your step-grandchild? do you think that your son telling his stepson that he hates him was the right hting to do? how far are you supporting his behaviour? (i see you think he's been a bit of a tosser, that's a start.)

it does sound like toy is making a bit of a start, but you must surely see that putitng his child into foster care is not a good solution to this problem in this day and age.

what are you actually doing to help? where is your insight?

youcannotbeserious · 17/08/2008 20:40

Sorry, Diva, this might sound hard, but if a partner openly admitted that he hated purely8 hated* one of my kids, I'd get the child out of that situation.

I appreciate that your DH hasn't caused this situation and that your relationship with DS was fruaght you met DH, but still...

have to agree with Custy on this one. Your child needs you. Your adult DH should be man enough to understand that.

jammi · 17/08/2008 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Scotia · 17/08/2008 21:30

Jammi, I think Toy is in the process of adopting Diva's 5 year old. Apologies if I misunderstood you, I am guessing you think they are adopting a child from outside their family unit.

DillyTanty · 17/08/2008 21:52

sorry... my head just exploded a little. he might be in the process of adopting one of his step-children? and he hates the other? way to go, people...

youcannotbeserious · 17/08/2008 22:02

No, Diva said that he's in the process of adopting the 5YO

It's the 9 and 10 YO that are causing problems (well, the 10 year old boy)

I'm sorry, DIVA, but I really think you have to consider that your Dh has his own emtional issues (Which are, AFAIW, affecting the adoption process) - this cannot be helping the DS issues.

DS (For however hard work he is, IS a child...) your DH (for however hard his childhood IS an adult.

You have to be there for your child.

Can you look at getting your DH anyhelp to understnad why he HAS to be there for his DSS? He does have to get over it...

A step parent has a hard task (I am one!) - you have to accept a child as your own yet be told you are not a parent... but if you step up to be a step-parent, then you have to step up and love those kids - they need you to be positive influences.

I'm not on a moral highground, I've been through the rough end of step parenting, but I do think we're coming out the other end, and I do love my step kids and have enormous respect for them.

DillyTanty · 17/08/2008 22:12

i'm still waiting for a response from mixbag, who is toy's dad as any fule kno...

youcannotbeserious · 18/08/2008 07:46

Maybe they will be on Jeremy Kyle this morning?

Something afoot here - AFAIR, Diva's DH doesn't see any of his family... that was causing problems with the adoption process because her DH didn't want to go into his family background...

Looks like the 13YOs might have been at the sherry?

Quattrocento · 18/08/2008 09:35

My belief is that Mixbag and Toy is the same poster, the spelling and grammatical mistakes are identical. Witness the spelling of "farther" for father.

One sentence dismayed me - "But anyways my farther came and picked me up i was a very screwed up kid and i turned violent towards my little brother he had no choice but to place me in fostercare to protect my little brother at the age of 11."

Is this what you want for your 10 yo Divastrop? I sense that you do really want to break the cycle. Good luck with it.

Shorty84 · 18/08/2008 09:48

I agree Quattrocento they are the same person.

I hope Divastrop is ok? Also your DS.

Mixbag whoever you maybe if Toy did not want to get a bad responce he should never of posted on here what did toy expect the whole of mumsnet to hate his 10yr SS because he misbehaves seriously Toy shouldnt of expected anything less being a mums netter

I think you should take on bored everything being said on here and seek some help about your childhood it seems you have some unresolved issues of your own which you are turning on your SS.

DillyTanty · 18/08/2008 10:01

oh they are totally and completely the same poster, no doubt. although my questions still stand, funnily enough. it's interesting that toy chose to pretend to be his father, i think, and i'd ask him again about their relationship now. and his relationship with his mother. does he really think that his life has prepared him to be a good dad or stepdad?

and fwiw, i think toy should definitely have posted, and i think he has done a good thing by doing so. everyone has to start somewhere, and if any of these posts cause him or diva to reflect on their situation and to act in a more positive manner to this ten year old boy then so much the better.

perfectfeast · 18/08/2008 10:10

Am so glad my original suspicions are shared by others

I think it shows that Toy really will not accept that he is at fault if he is using alters to support his own 'argument'.

Diva - are you ok? You haven't posted here for a while and I am concerned about everything now from the Adoption to the fact that your husband is emotionally abusing you and your son.

youcannotbeserious · 18/08/2008 10:17

Diva is posting happily on MN... just not on this thread...

youcannotbeserious · 18/08/2008 10:20

ignore me, just checked - message is from 18th Aug. 07... Sorry!

Upwind · 18/08/2008 10:24

"
Mixbag whoever you maybe if Toy did not want to get a bad responce he should never of posted on here what did toy expect the whole of mumsnet to hate his 10yr SS because he misbehaves seriously Toy shouldnt of expected anything less being a mums netter"

I think Toy's behaviour would have been condemned on almost any internet forum he had posted on. Toy and Diva need outside help and I hope they get it. They have had a lot of constructive advice here.

DillyTanty · 18/08/2008 10:24

i'd hate to be her right now, it sounds like she has so much to manage. i'd be sticking my head in the sand as well, probably. but if you are reading, diva, i think you're bright enough and emotionally aware enough to know that you have to take the focus off your son's behaviour and get him and the rest of your family some proper help. if toy has apologised to him, that's a start.

Upwind · 18/08/2008 11:04

Diva chose to marry a man who could not bring himself to be a father-figure to her son, and she chose to have more children with him. The only way that makes sense is as Toy claimed "she feels the same way" about her DS1 as he does.

This is desperately sad. Every child needs to have someone looking out for them, and caring for them.

DillyTanty · 18/08/2008 11:05

dunno if diva knows which way's up when it comes to me. and vulnerable women do attract certain types...

DillyTanty · 18/08/2008 11:05

when it comes to men, rather.

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