sted dad advice needed regarding step son

[toy23]

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

Sorry i just think toy has been treated very unfairly after reading this post.He came hear looking for help tryed to say whats happening dident suger coat it like lot of people would.Yes he has gone about things the wrong way but you people have done very little to help, yes thare are few good posts but most are just giving toy abuse.

Mixbag - sorry but that is a ridiculous thing to say. He is 10 years old. What on earth has the criminal age of responsibility got to do with this situation??

I just wonder how a lot of you would have responded if it was a woman in toys place after reading lots posts seems like mumsnet is very very bias place.

e.g: woman hits man=man deservered it
man hits woman = he bastard

thats just typical exspample but i think every1 should be heard listerened to before given abuse.

hercules1 what im saying is altho he is only a boy he does have some responsibility for his own actions.

I disagree. The age of responsibility doesnt mean the child is punished in line with their crime and that's it. The idea is yes, they have responsibility but things are never that simple. There is so much background here to cause a 10 year old to be troubled etc and the 10 year old needs help not to be expected to take responsibility for his actions. How could he do that? Where is his emotional stability and skills that a lot of adults lack to be able to do that?

As I said earlier the whole family needs help but part of that is accepting the 10 year old is not responsible and that the 10 year old cannot change things for himself without an awful lot of intervention.

I think you'll also find that on mumnset violence against men is never excused in that way either.

Mixbag, what kind of criminal punishment do you think is warranted for this child in refusing to take his cup to the kitchen, fighting with his brother and sister, and whinging?

Mixbag - I may be stepping out of line here but your spelling/gramatical mistakes are very similar to Toy's.

I hope you are not an alter an more so I hope you are not Toy posting in defence of himself.

There is some very good advice in this thread, some of the best being that Toy's first step should be to recognise his wrong-doing in this situation. Until Toy realises that his behaviour towards this child is unacceptable and aknowledges that as the adult it is he who should be changing his behaviour, then I don't thik he will be able to move onto the next stage of getting help for himself and his family.

No one has shouted abuse at Toy at all. All which has been posted is good advice. Yes, some people have been very shocked at some of the things toy has said about his step-son and at the way Diva has watched this happen around her, but the vast majority of the responses have been offering help and advice. People have been restrained in what is a difficult thread and I think you (mixbag) should read back through some of the very good replies and perhaps then you will see that you are wrong to suggest that people have been horrible.

Also mixbag, from searcing your previous posts I see you have 5 kids also and have been married for 2 and a half years. If you are Toy then please, please get some help.

I agree with perfectfeast.

Can't add anything to the many excellent posts already here, particularly Hester's and Doodle's - but I beg you to seek family therapy, urgently. I know you have said there are reasons why you cannot, but this is your son's whole life being destroyed.

This post from Mamazon would be a good one for you to read again.

"I have tried to stay away from this thread because i feel so strongly about it.

i hope that i am calm enough to say this in a way that will not offend but i do not promise.

Toy -as such what you are you are saying you are a child of a broken and abusive home. you say that by the age your SS is you were out muggin gpeople at knife point. so far all he has done is not want to take a cup to the kitchen.

You are screwed up by your own childhood and you are now forcing your history onto this child.
yes some of his problems preceed your involvment with the family but it is no small wonder this poor child is unsettled and has temper issue's when he ha had to deal with 3 abusive father figures in 10 years.
whather you and Diva recognise it as such or not, you ARE emotionally abusing your son (im a social worker so know)

You need to seek independant councelling for your own demons.
once you understand why your own behaviour became so aggressive then you will have a better grounding as to understanding your SS.

Your SS needs independant councelling too. Diva i would ask you to speak to school and ask for a JAT referral. explain whats going on and tell them that you feel he should have someone to speak to with regards to his traumatic life so far.

Diva you too need to speak to someone about you DV. i feel you have low self esteem and i
worry that you allow your Dh to speak for you with regards your son because you feel you aren't strong enough to. you fgeel guilty about how much he has been through and you almopsty let Dh take over because it is easier. you need to resolve these issues in order to be striong enough to battle for your son.

Toy will then need parenting classes. having sex does not make you qualified as a parent. it is not an easy job and some need help in mastering teh skills it takes. Diva i know you have said you have been on a course before but i dont think it will hurt for you to acompany toy and go through teh process again. refresh yourself.

and then you ALL need to go to family therapy. i can't think why you do not wish to go...unless there is violance in the relationship somewhere along the line then there is no reason why it cant work.

As for your sons potential violance. he is 10! sometimes siblings fight especially when they are children.
Stop expecting him to act with a maturity that im sorry toy you are yet to show yourself. "

I think most people have given excellent advice, Hester in particular. The ten year old in question has had a lot of adjustments to make in his short life, he is not handling it well but he is only a child.The adults have to put his emotional health first. If they can't do it alone they need to seek outside help.The one thing they can't do is write him off.

perfectfeast im not toy im his farther i decided to look at the post after talking to toy. Scotia the child does not need any form of punishment I was just trying to point out that everyone seems to have over looked the fact that the child is seen in the eyes of the law to have some control over actions yet people on mumsnet seemed to have bypassed this.

I agree with a lot that has been said on the post personaly i think my son has been a tosser and out of line to a degree. But i have tryed to look over every aspect of what has gone on unlike what seems to have happened hear.

p.s im useing one of toys alt accounts due to me not haveing my own.

Hester's post is spot on.

Mixbag it's not a good idea to validate Toy's behaviour. He needs to know that his perspective is wrong and by chnaging his perspective, he can change the dynamic in his family. We are not discussing the child's behaviour here, we are discussing the root of the problem, the behaviour of the adults.

And fwiw Toy you obviously have got the strength of character and the sense of responsibility to embrace the challenge that's facing you. You have an enormous amount of power here, the power to change a person's whole life. Whether you use that power to pass on a legacy of low self-esteem, anger, violence and grief, or one of love, is your choice.

Mixbag - I do not believe you. This is an incredibly sad situation for all of you - all of it is extremely f**d up and I don't think there is any advice or help I could suggest which you would take on board.

It is very sad that you have chosen to use Mumsnet in this way.

Diva - you need to get out of this relationship, you must protect yourself and your son.

I do hope you manage to do what is best.

By posting, Toy at least acknowledges that he needs help which is a starting place. If he isn't willing to change his DW should put her DS first and get out of the relationship.

Im not saying that what Toy has done is right or wrong, Toy knows my feelings and thats between him and me all im going to say is him his wife and stepson have all decided to have freash start as a family. Toy apologised to his stepson for the way he had been treating him and asked his stepson for another chance.

But i shall be giving him one more bit of advice and thats to never come on mumsnet again as seeing the posts would not help him in anyway and would just upset him even more.

Then you are not helping him mixedbag. It is fantastic news htat he and Diva are starting over andToy has apologised to his SS, butwould he have done that wihtout mumsnet?

The reason a lot of the posts were quite harsh, was because people were genuinely shocked and horrified by the fact that this couple were emotionally abusing their child and refusing to recognise it and address their abusive behaviour. People who come on to mumsnet seeking validation for bad behaviour, get short shrift. But people who come on seeking advice who are willing to change and have the courage to listen to good advice and act on it, will receive in the main, love and support from most of the people here. That's exactly what is available to Toy because he's shown he's one of the latter and to advise him to cut off that source of support, is not particularly helpful imo.

mixbag. how did you rebuild your relationship with your son, it sounds like he had a pretty tough time of it there for a while, what did you do to reclaim him and rebuild your loving father-son dynamic? it must have entailed a lot of hard work for at least one of you. how did it happen?

No i dont think mumsnet has helped him in anyway.I know my son and how his head works and im one of the few people he will listern to.I only come on mumsnet to read this thread and have nothing more to say so goodby.

I'm so glad that Toy has said sorry for saying he hated his stepson. Well done that man.

And I'm glad that he came on here and asked for advice - would he have had the outside perspective to make him look at his own behaviour without it?

There have been lots of very thoughtful posts full of good ideas about how to improve the family dynamics. Some of it may have been hard to hear. But it's all been honest (and that's a good thing with an adult who asks whether they are doing right).

Mixbag.

Have you have posted in here before - in July about your wife not initiating sex, about having five children, about your depression? Unless Mumsnet allows two people to post with the same name, I assume you didn't just come here to read this thread, you have come here before to seek advice about your relationship.

I find all this quite disturbing behaviour and it doesn't make me trust what yu are saying.

If you are Toy then you need to step away from this thread, taking with you the advice and help that has been offered and get some professional help.

mixbag, were you around when he was a damaged child? how have you rebuilt your relationship? do you have any insight into his situation?

PF, he says that mixbag is an alter ego of toy's but he's using it rather than sign up a new account.

Dilly - Oh - I see. This person is Toy's father and is using one of Toy's accounts. I still don't believe it.

I am quite concerned now about Divastrop. I hope she is ok and I really do hope that Toy has taken on board the advice given. From what 'Mixbag' is saying he has not. This is a very worrying situation IMO.