sted dad advice needed regarding step son

[toy23]

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

Oh Diva.
I can't really add anything that hasn't been said here already, lots of great advice from most people.

Your ds1 is obviously hurting very very badly. All his life he has had father figures give up on him and he is behaving that way now to perpetuate that and prove to himself that he is worthless.

Diva I don't mean to be patronising by your dh is very young and it would be incredibly difficult for anyone to take on ds1 let alone a man of his age.

I don't have any answers for you, but at the end of the day ds21 has to come before the marriage, let's hope that solutions are found before then .

Divastrop something else occurred to me. What does it say about Toyman's respect and love for you, that he thinks it's even passingly acceptable to threaten your DS with violence and abandonment, and threaten you with abandonment if you don't collude in abusing your DS?

I really think it sounds like you've gone from one abusive relationship into another and you need to find out why you are doing this and stop it. Your current DH might not be beating you up, but his attitude to you as well as to your DS, is abusive. He's telling you,you have to abandon your child. He's telling you, you have to live with your child being hated in his own home. What man who loves a woman would require that? What woman with any sense of self, would not find that repugnant and the signal to change or end the relationship? Please, please get help for the whole family, you can solve this problem, but you have to be honest and willing to solve it. BTW, I second what Supersillyus says, good on you both for coming on here and asking for help. I just hope you listen to the comments.

Oh another book recommendation, I read this and it has helped me enormously.

www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Cycle-Abuse-Beyond-Abuse-free/dp/0471740594 the Cycle of Abuse

It's not just an examination of the issues around abuse, it's a structured programme with exercises to help the reader break the cycle of abuse they might otherwise perpetuate. I got it from the library thinking it looked interesting and half way through realised I needed my own copy so that I could do the programme. I really recommmend it.

oh bugger link was wrong www.amazon.co.uk/Breaking-Cycle-Abuse-Beyond-Abuse-free/dp/0471740594

This is so sad and so upsetting.
Your poor, poor son, Diva
My two are only 4 and 2 but if anyone ever told them that they "hated them", let alone the supposed father figure in the house, I'd rip their head off.
Children have a right to feel loved and secure in their own homes, your DS doesn't due to past issues and some immature man who can't put his manly pride aside to actually work at the relationship. Your son has had lots of hurt and pain in his past (as have you, Diva) and is obviously suffering for this. It is your duty to try and "heal him", I know you have been seeking outside help, but your DH also needs help with his parenting skills.
My parents split when I was 10, and if either of my step parents had acted like you I am damn sure my respective parents would have stepped in.

Has anyone heard from Divastrop?

Is she ok?

i know, poor diva, she's being torn in bits. i hope nothing posted on here stops her or toy23 from coming back and seeking further support.

it does sound like they're all at a horrendous impasse and need some better help to get through it. think how improved all of your lives would feel if it was turned around somehow, you two, try not to give up just yet.

Lots of people have got the wrong impreshion and seemed to think i want him gone, I dont want that at all.The reason im hear is because i dont want to give up like i had done.

People seemed to be forgeting that the problems hear before me and my wife even met.
People are having a go at me becuase i hate some1 yet i dont belive in hiding feelings i know its harsh but i personaly belive that hiding feelings just makes things worse and lets things bottle up, at least if person knows how some1 feels it gives every1 something to build on.

I love my wife with all my heart and i would only ever ask her to give up her son if he actualy hit one of the little ones I would never ask her for any other reason and would rather leave her than ask her. I dont care what people think about that but the safty of all the children comes first not just one in my eyes.

Lizzylou youre saying i wont actualy work at the relationship my wife will give you the same answer as i will give. I have tryed everything and i mean everything spending time with them with faimly,one on one, praising them and putting my foot down.We have been to the doctors about him that was my idea not my wifes after working with autistic children and children with emotional disorders i belived that thare may have been something thare.Me and my wife even got married earlyer than planned to show them that the stability was there for him. The whole reason i came on hear is because im reaching out trying to find something we havent tryed.Would i be hear if i wasent willing to work on it?

I came on hear for help hoping that some1 who has been in simler situation to me and they could advise me, yet im being made out to be the bad guy.Yeh i admit giving up and not wanting anything to do with them is the wrong way to go about things, and i have realised this after spending time with my farther last night. He was in a very simler situation with me as a child.

I had a bad childhood my parents split up from abusive relationship when i was at the age of 5-6. My farther was the one getting hit my mother on many ocashions to protect me.When my mother and farther split up the idiotic courts belived that i should be with my mother I was hospitilised on many ocashions by her and my step farther who she started dating less than a week after her and my farther split.At the age of 9-10 when i started going around mugging people with a penknife. I finaly got picked up buy the police and before my mother and step farther got to the station.I broke down in tears and asked them for help it wasent untill i showed them the brusies that they realised what had been going on.Thare ware lot of other things that went on when i lived with my mother and step farther that i would rather not go into.

But anyways my farther came and picked me up i was a very screwed up kid and i turned violent towards my little brother he had no choice but to place me in fostercare to protect my little brother at the age of 11.

From the ages of 11-16 i spent many times with doctors i even spent time in juvenile prison due to constant violance and crimes i dident even goto school from he ages of 12-16 i dident care about it i would rather sit around mates house taking drugs makeing cash via commiting crimes.

When i hit the age of 16 i got my own place and i realised something i was becoming the one thing i hate more than anything in the world my mother.That day changed my life apon realising this i never saw any of my so called friends again i knew they wernt going to help me.I went to collage got my GCSEs then A levels after that i went to uni Advanced Programming degree.A lot of people say to me if they hear of my past rare as i dont mention unless i feel it cant be avoided.

First thing people always seemed to say is im not suprised you ware screwed up its not youre fault.First thing i replie is yes it was my fault i was voilent, yes it was my fault i got in trouble with police the reson for this is altho i was voilent altho i commited crimes i did it becuse i wanted to i always felt i had a choice i always felt i had controll.I dont speak of my past often becuase im ashamed of some of the stuff i did not becuse anything that happened in my past bothers me because it doesent bother me it happened nothing i can do about it so i just get on with it.

What im trying to say by exsplaining my past is i feel like i understand what my stepson is going thro to an exstent but i also understand that for a person to change they have to want to change.I want him to change his mother wants him to change his brothers and sisters want him to change the 9 year old and 5 year old.Cant speak for younger ones untill they understand.But he has to want to change in himself.

perfectfeast diva is fine we have been talking all night looking at new ways to aproch things we have also been looking at ourselfs not just stepson on how we can change as a whole not individuals.

hope you can make out the below post very tired lot of spelling grammer errors.

Toy23 - a grim past is absolutely no excuse for treating a child this way. Having been abused yourself does not entitle you to be an abuser. This has been hard reading; I wish there was some way I could help that boy. Every child deserves unconditional love and it sounds like he has never had it. Right now, he is not even being treated decently.

Upwind i not making exscuses if thats what you think you rearly dont have a clue

i am ok to those who asked.

i am not going to make excuses for dh,but i will say that i told him ds1 comes first and however difficult our relationship has been i love him as he is my son who i gave birth to,and i will not give up on him.

dh and i are going to work together,as a family.i dont think losing another father figure would really do ds any good,after all,i would just end up being the victim of yet another abusive man apparently.

and fwiw i am not in an abusive relationship.

What relevance has your bad childhood had other than as an excuse?

For what it is worth, my parents treated me much the way you are treating your son. It did descend into physical abuse as well as emotional - but it was the emotional abuse that hurt the most, not the bruises or broken bones. I remember realising that, as I was so used to it, being kicked around was not such a bad thing but their words still broke my heart. I left home at 17 and never looked back. They have tried and tried to rebuild a relationship with me.

In the end my siblings seem to have been damaged more than I was though our parents always seemed to love them. They went off the rails, and though when I was 11 my parents would warn them when naughty to stop or they might turn out like me - now they wish they had. I think that watching what happened to me made my siblings realise at an early age that our parents love was not unconditional and that they are not trustworthy or decent people. I have been lucky in later life and slowly built up self esteem but my siblings have not succeeded in that.

Your younger children will be aware of how badly you treat your son. Don't think that your behaviour is not hurting the whole family.

I think the first thing that needs to change here is that you stop showing him you hate him. Showing feelings of hatred to a 10 year is so wrong, stuff your belief in showing what you feel, this is a child we're talking about.

I grew up in a family with step children and my mother never bothered to hide her feelings about my older step siblings. Consequently they had a shit time although fortunately for them they didnt live with us. I am now in my 30's and have had no contact with them since I was under 10. Cant say I blame them for staying far away.

DIva - you said you didnt want to get family counselling. Can I ask why? You all need professional help and now. That's for all your sakes not just the 10 year old.
Please dont stop posting here, toy. You've been incredibly brave to come here and ask for help but this situation requires far more help than you will ever get on a website.

Abuse comes in all forms and it's not always Physical. I do think a husband giving a 'he goes or I do' ultimatum about a ten year old child is abusive behaviour - even if he's not insisting on it until he is 18.

Toy - your background is not relevant unless you are using it as the reason why you are treating this child and his mother so disgracefully. You of all people should really know how it feels to be in a home where you are treated like shit.

I hope you do both work to help this poor little boy and I hope you can reverse the damage you have undoubtably already done.

I was a stepchild to an awful mother - I don't see any of them now and do not even call the man who gave his sperm my father - I hate him with every fibre of my being for letting me be brought up by that evil witch who used to say that she didn't want us, didn't like us - I was a pain sure but I was a child, children are pains in the arses all of them at some point but your main duty is to your child.

My DD is now a stepchild and I hope your son will do as I have done and see that from an awful upbringing you can break free and be a fantastic parent - I hope he learns from your mistakes and you are not the first wheel in a big disfunctional family full of people with no self esteem or self worth.

God no matter what my DD did if DH dared to speak to her as you do your 10 year old - 10 YEAR OLD - he is a child who has gone through so much shit in his little life - I would pack his bags and kick him out!

I can't be nice about this - I was that little boy and 23 years later I still have to deal with the feeling of doubt and worthlessness - I abhore threads like this because they remind me of what a shit life can be when people forget where their responsibilities lie and that is with the child they gave birth too no matter who comes along - especially if who comes along is a sad little man who tells a little boy that he hates him!

Toy do you think that the reason you hate this little boy so much is that he reminds you of a part of you and your life that you regret and that you would rather forget?

Please both of you, get some professional help on this. You can't sort this out by yourselves. This boy deserves a fresh start and that means all of you being honest with each other (but NOT selfishly sharing your feelings of hatred - there is only one person that helps and it isn't the child) but also with the professionals. It sounds like you ALL need some counselling and advice. Even your stepdaughter toy, because her 'good' behaviour now is likely to be masking some pretty uncomfortable feelings that might only show themselves in bad behaviour or self harming in a few years when she starts to digest what has been going on in your family. And the little ones deserve a fully functioning family too don't they?

So I don't know what your reasons for avoiding family therapy might be, but don't let pride or shame or fear of admitting to things that have gone on stop you from being the adults here and doing everything you can to save this poor child from the same teenage years and worse that you suffered.

And FFS you would ask her to give up her son if he hit one of the little ones - he is 10 years old below the age of responsibility in the eyes of the law because he does things that are unreasonable because he is 10 and not yet mature.

I have to go now before my head explodes because toy23 you are becoming, no you are, an abusive parent just like your parents were to you - you are starting the circle now all over again!

A very wise post from ProvincialLady - sound very plausible that Toy, who should be the person who can most understand this little boy, is actually the worst because the boy reminds him of his 'bad' side before he reformed.

Toy, he's 10, he's been through a very hard time, he knows you hate him and that he's treated differently from the others - do you honestly think it is reasonable to expect him to act as you did at the age of 16?

He's a victim of domestic violence as much as his mum - the only male role models he had at a tender age were bad ones. Little boys learn by copying their dads, you know. And his latest dad, you, is showing him that it's acceptable for fathers to abuse their children emotionally, to tell you and demonstrate that they hate you (and Diva, I'm afraid you are condoning this). What chance does he have?

Agree with everyone who says you need professional help - the support you've tried so far hasn't sorted this out, you need to find the right help for your boy and your family. Try the youth services another poster mentioned.

And don't forget all this WILL be having an impact on the other children. They may be turning it in on themselves instead of lashing out, but you are showing them loud and clear that your love is conditional - that if they don't keep their heads down, they might become the scapegoats themselves. This is harming all of you - you need to find the right help to sort it out.

step children are never easy neither are your own. the summer holidays are renowned for family strife and breakdown. You all realise this situation cannot continue. you cannot expect children of this age to be reasonable in adverse situations, as many a person has said you are the adults you have to take control. You say that you worked with autistic children?
I'm assuming that you have some knowledge of how to handle challenging behaviour? take a mental step back and start implementing some of your training at home. have house rules and involve everyone in their creation make sure you have consistent boundaries and consequences for everyone so that every one feels things are fair and no one is being singled out. stick to it get, referred for help but as you know these things take time you have to deal with things in the meantime. remember this is not supernanny it is not goin to be fixed in 2 weeks or even 2 months. so once you've all decided on action stick to it - dont lose heart and give up.
Finally toy23 you sound very stressed and at breaking point possbly you are focussing on certain behaviours and obsessing too much? i would suggest you need to talk to someone by yourself about your emotions and would suggest you start with gp. Good luck all