sted dad advice needed regarding step son

[toy23]

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

Can you help me here? Is he violent? If he is can you go through the school for help. Even anger management might help a bit. If he witnessed it as a little child then that is where he has learnt it

What does the boy think about his stepdad? Does he like him at all.

I teach secondary, and this sort of behaviour is quite uusual IME if he is violent. I think a mentor or counsellor at school should help. You will find more support for this in a secondary school.

I am a step parent, and the first thing to know is it is not easy at all. Unless you have been in the situation, it is very difficult to undrstand the dynamics of adjusting to it. Step famiies are meant to take 5 years to shake down properly as a family, and 10 years to really meld. So I don't think you should throw in the towel yet. The first 3 or 4 years were incredibly spikey for us.

It sounds like you need family therapy or help to sort this out. I have 2 dss, one I get on really well with, and one I don't get on as well with. Personality comes into it as well

what i dont understand though,is dd1 had exactly the same start in life.she is only 11 months younger than ds1,they have the same father,they ahve both been brought up by me,so why doesnt dd1 have the same issues?

themildmanneredjanitor can you exsplain why my step daughter is typical kid. My 2 year old acts more mature than him yeh girls act more mature normaly but my 5 year old son is more mature.

fizzbuzz i used to teach autistic children myself and thought that he could have had some sort of problem when i first met him.But after looking into this and getting to know him i see that the only problem is him as a person.

Maybe because she's not 'competing' with your dh as ds is?

He probably feels like your dh has taken his place as man of the house.

It sounds awful for all of you tbh. Is there another adult (relative, preferably male?) with whom he has a good relationship who could help mediate between him & your dh?

diva, would you ever consider your son going into short term foster care? There are foster parents that specialise in youngsters that are behaviourally challenging. Your son would receive 1-1 attention and you would get respite to decide the best course of action for long term. A social worker would offer you support. Your son may actually enjoy being in a family unit where he is the centre of attention.

themildmanneredjanitor he was the same before i let me feeling known that i hated him and its made no difrence since he has known.

How for all concerned.

Your son needs help and now. What sort of person do you think he'll be at 18, if he's still alive then?

I'm not being overly dramatic - children like this find 'family' outside of the home and often end up involved in drink, drugs, gang-crime and suicide is not unknown. He needs someone to talk to, who'll listen, who'll be his mentor. Does he have g-parents? Contact Relate who have links for young people or ask through your LEA for young peoples' services. He needs an adult who'll be his friend who isn't you or his mum.

You too also need support. My aunt became step-mother to 3 teenage children, their adoptive mother had died and she married their adoptive father. They are hugely dysfunctional. In time - they've been married 25 yrs now - she has become their 'mother' but back then she had to step back and let her hb parent; instead she said she's always listen and she always has.

Perhaps a mentoring course could be beneficial, rather than a parenting one?

i dont think family therapy is an option for reasons i cant go into.

He sounds very angry and mixed up. There is a lot going on in his life.

I know when my son had difficulty adjusting to the situation (he was 9 at the time), I took him to the doctors and she was great. Referred him to someone straight away. As it happens he didn't need it, as it was just adjustment problems, but there is help there if you can get to a decent doctor.

Boys are more vulnerable than girls when they are younger, which is one of the reasons why his sister may be easier. IME there is unfortunately vry little help for stepfamiies in this country, which is crap consdiering the increasing numbers and the volatility of the situation. Parentline absorbed the Stepfamilies helpline, so they can probably help.

You need to present a united front so he knows he can't get round you. And if you can't like each other, you will have to learn to tolerate each other in some way to survive as a unit. I did read somewhere that you don't have to like your step parent/stepchild, but you do have to luve with them I think that, vey

I wonder if spending more time alone with his mum would help, if she is the only one he trusts, and if she has a lot of other kids demanding attention, he may feel more pushed out (Easier said than done I know...)

Carmenere usually has good step family advice

live not luve

themildmanneredjanitor you say hard for him but imagin how i feel.

everytime the little ones go upto him i feel sick and pray to myslef that they wont look upto him.

Im constantly scared of one my kids or even my wife getting hurt by him.

It makes me feel sick that a 10 and half year old acts like a two year old throws tantrums and windges when you ask them to do something simple like take a cup they left lying around into the kitchen.He exspects every1 to run around after him. He orderes my wife around like she is his slave and i wont ever speak to my wife in the way he does. Yet when i tell my 5 year old son to do something he dont care and just does it.

this thread is very sad and I am sure I am about to cross threads with many people feeling the same way. Stop for a moment and lets imagine this boy in 10 years time, imagine perhaps a future girlfriend asks him about his past; he tells her the story- abusive dad, depressed mum and a stepfather who openly hated him, but loved his siblings, and all this before puberty. That is the childhood your boy is living now. It is really hard for you when you are in a situation and the child is being obnoxious to stop and look from his point of view but it is essential for you to do this before it is too late. He needs some other behavioural options. He really really needs to feel somebody loves him, and somebody values him and for that to happen you need to find something he does well and praise the living daylights out of it. Give him the opportunity to earn some praise. Talk to him properly , calmly, in a non confrontational way. Dont make it all about what he does wrong, let him tell you how he feels. Make some space for him in your family life, give him a role outside of being 'the bad one we hate'. I can only imagine that some sort of outside help like family conselling would help everyone find a way of taking a step back

thank you fizzbuzz

Don't think you shuld have told him you hated him. That is terrible for a young child to here. Part of bing a step family is learning that you can't always say what you would like to, and choosing your words very carfully.

I could not have stayed with a man who hated my son for whatever reason

Well divastrop what are you going to do about it then? This situation is just going to get worse and worse. It makes me feel sick to read the things your husband is writing TBH.

the post ware i said ("you say hard for him but imagin how i feel.

everytime the little ones go upto him i feel sick and pray to myslef that they wont look upto him.

Im constantly scared of one my kids or even my wife getting hurt by him.

It makes me feel sick that a 10 and half year old acts like a two year old throws tantrums and windges when you ask them to do something simple like take a cup they left lying around into the kitchen.He exspects every1 to run around after him. He orderes my wife around like she is his slave and i wont ever speak to my wife in the way he does. Yet when i tell my 5 year old son to do something he dont care and just does it.")

I was just trying to exsplain what i feel like on daily basis.

just read your last post toy23 - how does your wife react when he speaks to her like that, what are your sanctions with him? When he is throwing a tantrum how does everyone else react? Does he get lots of attention for his bad behaviour?

cathpot-when i first split with his father and things were difficult i was very angry alot of the time.i learnt about ignoring bad behaviour/praising good behaviour etc and it did work well.

whats been left out of all this is ds2's father-my xh-who i was only with for 14 months but he was a total bastard and treated both ds1 and dd1 like shit towards the end(he was also abusive towards me)and thats why i threw him out.after that i felt so bad about what ds1 had been through i let everything slip and he basically took over as man of the house.

i appreciate he has been through alot and i want to do the play therapy with him as i will try anything that could help as he is my son and i dont want to give up on him.

but i dont want to give up on my marriage either

Also if you have only been living together one year I would imagine it is the worst time of all. Our horribleness peaked at about 1-2 years, and slowly improved after that. As I said 5 years is the recognised time....

What do you do when he is rude to his mother or hurts the other kids? Does he need some boundaries to make him feel more secure?

What a dreadful situation.

I'm sure you realise that you have totally isolated your stepson - can you imagine how he must feel?

How would you feel if someone told you that they hated you? Pretty crap i'd imagine and you're a grown up.

I'm not under estimating how difficult your situation is but am really concerned about how you seem on the brink of violence with him.

Have you spoken to his school at all? How does he behave there?

we have been living together for 2.6 years.