sted dad advice needed regarding step son

[toy23]

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

Toy has also said "You cant blame my wife for her feelings towards him. " (her DS1) Diva's problems with her son do predate her meeting Toy.

I don't agree that she is not responsible for her feelings. Maybe some children are harder to love than others, but that does not mean it is okay to let yourself hate a child or disregard their wellbeing. My own mother never had it in her to love me - I could forgive that - but I can't forget or forgive the misery she inflicted on me.

Diva - if you are still following this thread you do still have the chance to deal with this situation. Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step. My mother regrets every day that she can't turn back time.

Bump Has anyone heard from Toy or Diva? I hope all is well in the house

Whilst I haven't had time to read through all the posts here, I can really identify with the mother and stepfather who started the thread.
Both myself and my partner are at the end of our tether with my 10 year old son.
My son's biological father was a very violent man, whom I left whilst I was pregnant, although I have had to put up with years of harrassment. I have had severe long term PTSD, with anxiety. He has never had any contact with his son (a court ruling prevents this). I had a relationship with someone for several years, who left quite suddenly (due to my the harrassment from my son's biological father) and did not explain to my son why. My son was 5 at this time, and could only remember this man being in his life. A couple of years later I met my partner, and we had a baby, who is now nearly 2. He also has 3 other children.
I know that my son was affected badly when my ex-partner left, and I understand that he has gone through a number of changes - including going from being an only child to one of 5. So when his behaviour started changing (before I met my partner, but got worse during my pregnancy during which I was very ill, my partner was away working most of the time, and I was and more inclined to ket things slide, particularly in the light of the changing circumstances) - not doing his schoolwork (he is now 2 years behind, but the school are not particularly concerned which is another HUGE issue), not looking after himself personal hygeine wise, occasional lying (to me) and taking things from within the house and hiding them in his room, refusing to eat what he is cooked yet taking food from the fridge when he has the opportunity - I disciplined him, but tried to understand at the same time. However, his behaviour has now got worse - and it is not only that these are isolated issues, there is a drip drip affect, which does result in such heightened stress...everything is a nightmare with him. He cannot be trusted, he never does as he is told, he won't keep himself clean in any way, and has 'breakdowns' (shouting, crying etc) if asked to shower or do his homework. He behaves most of the time as if he is 4 or 5, and cannot be trusted around the little ones. He lies constantly, and the final straw today was that he has taken money from us. Not much - £1. But he lied and lied about it - blatently. He never shows any remorse for anything, no shame nothing. The 2 older children, whilst only a year or two older, have no time for him now at all. He gets on better with children a couple of years younger than him. I dread him coming home, I dread the tension in the house, it is damaging the relationship with my partner - who, after all, is the father of my other child, and I do need to consider her too. The relationship between me and my son is bad, the relationship between my son and my partner is absolutely dreadful. His expectations of my son are no different from any of the others, yet it is consistently setting him up for a fall, as he seems incapable of following simple 'house rules' - which are for the safety and well being of everyone.
He is not violent - if anything, he is overly sensitive - grabbing him means you are trying to kill him. We have tried EVERYTHING - rewards, charts, withdrawal of rewards, punishment, time out, naughty step, tried to work with the school - who don't see a problem as he is OK at school apparently, apart from being behind. We did go to see someone professionally, but it was awful - we went before the behaviour stuff was too bad, when we were just concerned about his education, and the school were not doing anything (promises of special needs support, none materialising etc) but we were 'mis referred' ended up at child mental health where the person focussed solely on my background of a violent relationship and our stress, disregarded the other children, concluded he had low self esteem and that his school work didn't matter, we were over reacting. this was written in a report and based on a half hour 'chat' which involved me sobbing for most of the time as the person was dredging up past issues and questioning me on them. His behaviour got worse afterwards.
I could go on.
I won't, but the upshot is we are close to splitting up over it, and I know my partner hates him.

azu, I am not an expert, merely a (step)mum of a child who has it, but from your description, I think your son may have attachment issues/attachment disorder. You will need a referral from your GP to CAMHS to get him assessed or just go back to CAMHS and ask them to look at this.

This website has a reasonably good description of it:

www.facam.org/Articles/Behavior/attachmentdisorder.html

It is incredibly difficult to live with children like this and help is very hard to come by, but there is a lot of support on the internet and quite a few books which may help.

Oops, here's the working link:

www.facam.org/Articles/Behavior/attachmentdisorder.htm

Thanks for the advice - and the support. It feels such a relief to share this. Because his behaviour is not 'bad' at school, or at other peoples houses, it does seem to people that we are over-reacting. It doesn't help that we live in a small house in quite an isolated rural area and have no external family support and it gets on top sometimes.
More and more frequently.
And our experience with the person at the mental health team did not help.
I shall post on the special needs section, and also look up stuff about attachment disorder. Christ I feel guilty as hell about it all.

Thanks, ByTheSea. I have read through some of the stuff, it has struck such a chord.

The terrifying thing is, it is what his biological father was said to have (he was adopted at a few weeks old, then in care at 5).

My relationship with my son was good - or so I thought - when he was a baby and toddler - so I pray this is not irreversible.

I hope it helps, azu. I find it really difficult to live with, and am currently getting some respite from it while he stays with MIL for awhile. My other DC (and me and DH) are benefitting from this break so much, it breaks my heart to say. I felt like I was headed for a breakdown dealing with it every day. That's really interesting that your ex had it too. We just thought DS2 as a bit of a character as a toddler -- the problem becomes clearer and clearer the older the child gets in my experience and it can be very frustrating to be on the receiving end of the difficulties at home, when they act like perfect angels in front of other people.

I think a major part of the problem is that the only break we get is when he is at school, and before he goes is a nightmare, and we dread him coming home, as awful as that sounds. the tension builds the closer to school hometime it is, and I know my partner will deliberately work (he is self-employed) around this time - although he does deny this. We don't get a break, and therefore no calming down time, and my son doesn't really get much positive imput and the cycle continues - it is so hard to break it. Every day I wake up and start with such good intentions to be positive towards him, and try and illicit some behaviour from him that is OK and stressfree, but within 10 minutes of him getting up, he will have woken the youngest, or left more wee around the toilet than in it, or I find something he shouldnt have in his school bag or bedroom, or he will talk to me or my partner like a piece of crap...every single day. I do not believe our expectations of him are too high - just normal stuff, that the others are expected to do - and do it without needing to be reminded/told to do it, including the 5 year old. Homework is a minefield, and he is getting increasing amounts.
But reading about attachment issues and stuff means that maybe a different approach is required - I gave him hug this morning even though it was through gritted teeth as I had had it with him I really had, and it was at the school gate, I can't remember the last time as he usually just legs it into school but I called him back. I also tried the stuff about practising stuff over and over - daft things which he knows how to do, but 'forgets' - things which may seem like an over reaction but when it is day in day out you feel like you are going mad - an example this weekend was actually putting his toys away - toys with small bits which the toddler does not need to get hold of - every day we have this major battle about it, I gave up doing it myself a while ago, as it wound my partner up and I was just doing it for an easy life, but he needs to do it himself, so I went through the initial grief of having to stand over him and battle etc etc, then I got them all out again and made him do it again, and then again and then again, and told him that every time he 'forgets' or whatever, or he 'cant do it' that is what will happen, and he actually did it the first time I told him today.

Wow.

That's really good news azu. What you are posting is so familiar to me, especially the part about waking up with good intentions every morning, and all the things that go wrong. I really can relate to how hard this is. That is brilliant that you had some success with the toys.

i cant belive this thread thats probley why he is naughty cause u dont like him, u cannot speak for you wife ie when hes 18 he is out this house this is awful and u never want to see him again poor child i feel sorry for him i know if my husband said its me or your son i wouldnt even hesitate it would be my SON full stop. i agree with divastrop. i dont know what answers u were looking for but i cant understand a grown man saying he hates a little boy im disgusted poor child.

toy23: u have obviously not tried hard enough sorry i still cant belive this post. u saying u dont belive in hiding ur feelings then he knows u hate him im not surpised hes watching u love the other children its awful im in shock i think YOU need proper help or that poor little boy does to get away frm this sitution, i dont feel i can read anymore of this terrible poor kid

sorry didnt relise this thread was so old just in shock what i was readin and didnt look at the date and im very concerned about this child has anyone heard off his mother if so can u please post. thankyou.